Bobbi Carducci
Caregiver for loved one with Parkinson’s
Bobbi was the in-home caregiver for her mentally and physically ill father-in-law, Rodger, for seven years. Issues they dealt with included Parkinson’s disease, schizophrenia, heart disease, dementia and severe dysphagia. She wrote the book "Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver" and also blogs about the realities of caring for a loved one.
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Question
Is clinginess with dementia normal?
The coloring book is a great idea. Also try giving her a job to do. Folding towels and washcloths works well becasue you can unfold them... The coloring book is a great idea. Also try giving her a job to do. Folding towels and washcloths works well becasue you can unfold them and give them back to her many times. This worked well for my fahter-in-law. He kept his mind and hands busy and he felt useful. see more
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How do I handle the comment "I wish I'd die and get out of this world"?
It's easy to understand why some feel he is manipulating you. I certainly felt that way when my loved one said the same thing. It was... It's easy to understand why some feel he is manipulating you. I certainly felt that way when my loved one said the same thing. It was hard because I had recently lost my mother after she fought to live as long as she could. Why was she gone and one who wished to die still here? One day, after he said it again, I held his hand and looked him in the eye and said, "It's not your time yet. When it is we will both know. Until then I want yo uto know that I will be here with you and thank God for every moment, no matter how hard it is." He didn't say a word. He patted my hand and sighed. He blinked back tears that never had a chance to fall and patted my hand again. He never said those words again. I believe he was afraid to die and was trying hard to hide it. Let us not assume the worst, even when they are behaving badly. Who would not be at least a bit afraind at this time. My heart goes out to you and so do my prayers. see more
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Anyone else feel guilty?
Guilt is almost a given for caregivers. We do our best at a job that is so hard for people who's needs change at a moments notice. I... Guilt is almost a given for caregivers. We do our best at a job that is so hard for people who's needs change at a moments notice. I call it "creative problem solving on the run." No matter waht we do our loved ones have setbacks, my loved one has passe away. What sustains me now is knowing that he loved longer and with a better quality of life than he would have if I had been there for him. Take heart in knowing you are doing all you can and we are here for you. I write about these feelings on this blog and on mine.You are not alone. see more
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Death of loved one. How to transitioning from caregiving?
So sorry for your loss. You are probably feeling not only the loss of your father but the loss of your place in the world as his daughter... So sorry for your loss. You are probably feeling not only the loss of your father but the loss of your place in the world as his daughter and the loss of your role as his caregiver. All of these are major life changes that are hard to deal with. First alllow yourself to grieve the way that is best for you. And you may grieve for the little girl who lost her daddy one day and the adult who lost some of herself during the time she was a caregiver the next. First be kind to yourself. Sleep when you can. Nourish your body and soul. When you are ready, begin to do the things that bring you peace and joy. Think of the things you wished you had time for in the past weeks and months and do them one at a time. You will think of your father often, when you do know he is with you in spirit and he is okay now. Bless you. see more
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My mum (96) makes growling noises has anyone else come across this? It is horrible.
Yes, please don't worry about it. It's an easy way to verbalize and it doesn't mean she is unhappy. If she has trouble speaking... Yes, please don't worry about it. It's an easy way to verbalize and it doesn't mean she is unhappy. If she has trouble speaking listen to the intonation. A soft growl can be purr-like and soothing. If she is in distress it can indicate she needs help. You know her better than anyone and once you become accostomed to this manner of expression you will be able read it better. Bless you for all you do for her. see more
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My MIL (82) lives alone, gets meals delivered, is depressed and isolated, not ready to consider assisted livin...
Perhaps a visit from a service dog will give her something to look forward to. Orgnizations such as Paws4People and others like them make... Perhaps a visit from a service dog will give her something to look forward to. Orgnizations such as Paws4People and others like them make home visits on request at no charge. If she had a dog as a child it could bring back memories and lighten her mood. see more
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Dad's going to do whatever he wants to do despite what anyone tells him. Any advice?
When my FIL behaved that way, and he also had dementia and Parkinson's, I would walk away for a few minutes then go to him and ask him... When my FIL behaved that way, and he also had dementia and Parkinson's, I would walk away for a few minutes then go to him and ask him to sit with me for a bit. Let's talk about this, I would say. Sometimes he would speak of his frutration with me and the limitations I put on him. He accused me of holding him prisoner and promised to tell the doctor or call his brother. I'd hand him the phone and assure him he could call whomever, whenever he felt the need. I also gave him a notebook and suggested he write down the things he wanted to tell them. Once or twice he made a call to his brother but once connected he just asked how he was doing, assured him he was well and ended the call. He always refused the notebook, reversing his accusations and telling me he would tell the doctors nothing. I beleive the acting out was his way of asseting some control over his illness in the only way he knew how.
That doesn't make it any easier on you but I hope it helps you to know that regardless of what he says he's in there somewhere and knows you care. I bought a baby monitor with a video camera I could carry with me wherever I was in the house allowing me to keep an eye on him even when he was in another room. It helped me save him from himself mnay times. see more
That doesn't make it any easier on you but I hope it helps you to know that regardless of what he says he's in there somewhere and knows you care. I bought a baby monitor with a video camera I could carry with me wherever I was in the house allowing me to keep an eye on him even when he was in another room. It helped me save him from himself mnay times. see more
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My 83 year old mom won't eat food! What to do?
Give her milkshakes, real ones if she will drink them. Give her whatever she wants and don't press her to eat. Her body is telling her... Give her milkshakes, real ones if she will drink them. Give her whatever she wants and don't press her to eat. Her body is telling her it doesn't want food. I know this is hard for you, harder for you than for her. Know you are not alone in this and we are praying for you. Bless you for being there for her. see more
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What can I do to help stimulate a person with Dementia especially if they fight you on it?
Give him something meaningful to do. It can be as easy as folding towels. My father-in-law would do that for long periods of time. He also... Give him something meaningful to do. It can be as easy as folding towels. My father-in-law would do that for long periods of time. He also enjoyed playing cards. Often he didn't follow the rules of the game but it didn't matter. he was winning and smiling. One of the best things I did with him was help him make a hooked rug for the baby my daughter was expecting. She was a few months old before it was finished but he was proud to sign the back of it and present it to her. She is fiver now and will always have this special gift from Old Grampy as she refers to him when she sees photos of the two of them. see more
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What has been your experience when a loved one returns from respite care?
I used respite care through the VA hospital for my father-in-law. It was a blessing and I used it to take a vacation once, and for long... I used respite care through the VA hospital for my father-in-law. It was a blessing and I used it to take a vacation once, and for long weekend just to get some rest at other times. I needed it as he needed more and more care. However, it always took a long time to get him back on schedule once he came home. While he always said he liked it there and didn't mind going he would act out for a long time afterward. If he was there for three days he was angry and hard to deal with for a week. If he was there for a week it took three weeks for him to settle down. Part of the problem was that his routine was disrupted and he had a hard time with that. Part of the problem was hospital personnel did not read or comply with his many dietary and medication restrictions. (Like crushing his meds and putting them in applesauce so he didn't spit them out.) He needed a special diet due to swallowing problems and often he was given things he was not supposed to have resulting in aspiration and another bout of illness. It reached the point where I only used respite when desperate. I hope your experience is better. see more
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Any advice if you have experience brushing someone else's teeth?
I found that a very soft toothbrush and a small amount of warm water worked best. I called it his morning dental massage. The first time I... I found that a very soft toothbrush and a small amount of warm water worked best. I called it his morning dental massage. The first time I said it he looked at me as if I was crazy but after that he came to enjoy it. He'd smile and open his mouth when I showed him the brush. During the seven years I cared for my father-in-law I found being creative and flexible to be the best way to deal with the many challanges and opportunities that arose. see more
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Sibling accusing me of overmedicating Mom. Any advice?
As her primary caregiver it must be hard to be questioned. All the above suggestions are good. I don't think I can add anything new. I... As her primary caregiver it must be hard to be questioned. All the above suggestions are good. I don't think I can add anything new. I just want you to know that I am here for you and know you are doing the best you can. see more
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Are there any caregivers of spouses among this group?
Your VA hospital may have a respite program. When caring for my father-in-law for seven years they allowed us to check him in to the... Your VA hospital may have a respite program. When caring for my father-in-law for seven years they allowed us to check him in to the hospital for 30 days each year. No stay could be more than 14 days in a row. Most were shorter. I'd take a three day weekend now and then. It's worth looking into as you clearly need a break. see more
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Mom is reliving Dad's recent death everyday. What can I do?
As hard as it is, the only thing we can do is be in the moment with our loved ones. It is as real to them as ours is to us. When my lvoed... As hard as it is, the only thing we can do is be in the moment with our loved ones. It is as real to them as ours is to us. When my lvoed one repeated the same horrible scenes from his life, I repeated my response to him. I listened and let him know I was there for him for as long as he needed me. One day it stopped. I don't know why. He moved on to another moment in time and I went with him. see more
Question
Has your elder parent developed into a "terror"?
Yes, the one who does the caregiving gets the brunt of the anger. It's not fair but it is true. I try to think of it in the same vein... Yes, the one who does the caregiving gets the brunt of the anger. It's not fair but it is true. I try to think of it in the same vein as I did when my children would throw a tantrum. It's a result of feelings they can't express and all I could do is let it run it's course. That doesn't mean taking abuse. It means removing yourself from the center of the storm. To do that I often had to retreat to the bathroom for a few minutes and vent, or if possible, get out for a while. I say, if possible, because most of the time it wasn't. I hope you have a care partner to support you. If not, please use this space to help you through it. see more
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I am married but have no support system. Any advice?
I fewl for you. You are in a very difficult spot. I also feel for your wife and grandma. Your wife is probably feeling overwhelmed. She... I fewl for you. You are in a very difficult spot. I also feel for your wife and grandma. Your wife is probably feeling overwhelmed. She had no way of knowing how involved and how consuming caregiving is. Part of her anger may be with herself for agreeing to something abd then finding out she is not really ready for such a challenging long term commitment. More than a few caregivers in support groups express feeling that way. What to do now? Really assess what is going on. Ask your SO what she finds most difficult and work with her to find a way to ease the situation. What can each of you do to find a solution. It may be that grandma has to go elsewhere. Not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver. That doesn't mean she or he is not a good person or that he or she has failed. Not everyone is cut out to be an artist or a an athlete either. Bless you both for wanting to help Grandma. Now it's time to help one another. see more
How to suppress my grandpa's ridiculously high sex drive?