Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do I tell Mom it's time to move to Assisted Living?
Coolcat, as you are seeing, this isn't a good way to start a marriage. You have to think of your future. Unless your mom has enormous... Coolcat, as you are seeing, this isn't a good way to start a marriage. You have to think of your future. Unless your mom has enormous health issues, nursing homes aren't the only choice. I'd look into your local assisted living facilities, find a nice one and tell her that it's time for her to spend her money. Take her to lunch there so she can see that there's a good social life. But be firm. You can get more advice from the facility's social worker if you like a place and your mom remains adamant about not moving. Good luck. This is the time for change.
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Question
How or can you force elders to get home help?
galoshes, it seems as though you did what needed to be done. There's a big difference between an elder who has a clear mind but simply... galoshes, it seems as though you did what needed to be done. There's a big difference between an elder who has a clear mind but simply doesn't want to move and one with a cognitive disorder or mental health issues. In your case, there was no choice and likely your mom's become perfectly happy where she is. I congratulate you!
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Question
Why am I so scared?
As others have said, your life has been consumed with your caregiving. Finding a new normal will be a long process but you can do it. While... As others have said, your life has been consumed with your caregiving. Finding a new normal will be a long process but you can do it. While everyone is different, there are some suggestions in this article that may help. Blessings,
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm see more
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm see more
Question
Widowed elder dealing with catastrophic change. What to do?
Your mom is young to have these symptoms, though dementia can occur at any age so it's not out of the question. I would have her... Your mom is young to have these symptoms, though dementia can occur at any age so it's not out of the question. I would have her checked for all mental and cognitive health issues.
I do think that assisted living could be very helpful. She sounds like she does better with people around. While she resists change there really is no choice but to change her living situation. I'd check into a local assisted living arrangement and ask advice about how to get her moved. Expect resistance even if she learns to enjoy it since that seems to be her personality.
We love to have you check back in so we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
I do think that assisted living could be very helpful. She sounds like she does better with people around. While she resists change there really is no choice but to change her living situation. I'd check into a local assisted living arrangement and ask advice about how to get her moved. Expect resistance even if she learns to enjoy it since that seems to be her personality.
We love to have you check back in so we know how you are doing.
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Question
My mother smokes two packs of cigarettes a day and she has COPD, emphysema and diabetes. What can I do?
This is a terrible position for you but, sadly, it's not uncommon.I'm not certain you can do much about the smoking but try... This is a terrible position for you but, sadly, it's not uncommon.I'm not certain you can do much about the smoking but try e-cigarettes. They help some people in these situations. As far as her health is concerned, she's done the damage and more cigarettes likely won't make a difference. Neither is safe around oxygen tanks so any smoking needs to be done in a different environment.
We're thinking of you,
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We're thinking of you,
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Question
Is it time to become full guardian?
I'd see the attorney who drew up the POA. He or she could advise you on whether your state would allow you to completely take over... I'd see the attorney who drew up the POA. He or she could advise you on whether your state would allow you to completely take over their finances or if you need to go farther and try for guardianship. This can be difficult and expensive but it's sometimes needed. Try the attorney first and go from there.
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Question
How do I deal with dad who is stubborn in-home hospice patient?
I agree with the mention that this could be a rally. The medications are likely causing much of the odd behavior, but if he needs them for... I agree with the mention that this could be a rally. The medications are likely causing much of the odd behavior, but if he needs them for pain then he needs them.
I'm not certain about finding a place for him in a nursing home for such a short term but your mom needs to be considered if this continues too long. If you need to move him, that isn't the end of the world. Hospice works very well with nursing homes. Generally, though, if people have been in their own home it's best to keep them there if possible.
This is tough because he could change tomorrow (or by the time you check this site). While many people improve when on hospice care and actually go off the program, someone in this stage of cancer isn't likely to have that happen, so this behavior is most likely self-limiting. Keep in touch if you can. Our hearts are with you.
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I'm not certain about finding a place for him in a nursing home for such a short term but your mom needs to be considered if this continues too long. If you need to move him, that isn't the end of the world. Hospice works very well with nursing homes. Generally, though, if people have been in their own home it's best to keep them there if possible.
This is tough because he could change tomorrow (or by the time you check this site). While many people improve when on hospice care and actually go off the program, someone in this stage of cancer isn't likely to have that happen, so this behavior is most likely self-limiting. Keep in touch if you can. Our hearts are with you.
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Question
My Mom and Dad are only taking sponge baths because the shower is too difficult. Is this good enough to keep t...
A thorough sponge bath should be a cleansing as getting in a tub or under a shower. All of the skin should be cleaned well. As was... A thorough sponge bath should be a cleansing as getting in a tub or under a shower. All of the skin should be cleaned well. As was mentioned, there are no- rinse products and large wipes available if you want to go that route, but a bowl of warm water and a soft cloth would work. Just dry the areas quickly and keep the person warm as you move along.
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Question
Does Medicare pay for taxi cab?
I agree that it would depend on the Medicare supplement plan. As mentioned, if the cab drivers have been paid by Medicaid (it's... I agree that it would depend on the Medicare supplement plan. As mentioned, if the cab drivers have been paid by Medicaid (it's terrific that some states allow this - I wish that they all did) then you should check with them. This only works, of course, if Medicaid is the health plan.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Can someone "hand off" POA responsibilities?
This is a prime example of why people should have alternates named on any POA. I'd see an attorney since state laws vary. Possibly... This is a prime example of why people should have alternates named on any POA. I'd see an attorney since state laws vary. Possibly there's something that can be done but you want to make certain it is legal and since your mother can't partake in the decision it could get tricky. Good luck,
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Question
Is it legal to accept a parent's Social Security check to use for her care and compensation if she lives with...
The only problem is Medicaid. If your mom is of sound mind, have an attorney draw up a contract so that the money is not considered a gift.... The only problem is Medicaid. If your mom is of sound mind, have an attorney draw up a contract so that the money is not considered a gift. That would be the safest way to go unless her house is worth a huge amount of money so that if she goes to a nursing home there's no chance that she'll need Medicaid.
I hope that this works out for you.
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I hope that this works out for you.
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Question
I am concerned that because I have a pension of $1650.00 and SS of $1400.00. Will I never qualify?
Laura, please see an attorney who knows how to set up trust accounts for disabled adult children. You can start saving for that trust. As... Laura, please see an attorney who knows how to set up trust accounts for disabled adult children. You can start saving for that trust. As far as current income goes, if/when you go on Medicaid (if it still exists when you get there as Jeannegibbs said) you'll at least have a start. Likely your income would go toward your care, though. An attorney can sort it out best. Good luck. Your adult disabled child needs some backup so I hope that something can get started.
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Question
My husband has Alzheimer's and has started to decrease his eating and drinking. Should I force him or let him...
Isabella, I agree with most of the people here. At age 89, your husband's body is telling him something. Since the doctor isn't... Isabella, I agree with most of the people here. At age 89, your husband's body is telling him something. Since the doctor isn't concerned I don't think you should be either. I can't imagine forcing him to eat against his will. If you feel you need backup, use the POA but I doubt that you'll get an argument from anyone. It sounds as if you're taking good care of him.
Take care of yourself, too.
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Take care of yourself, too.
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Question
Can my mother's property be 100% transferred to me (exempt transfer)?
Medicaid is state run so it's smart to consult an elder law attorney who knows your state laws. What may be permitted in one state... Medicaid is state run so it's smart to consult an elder law attorney who knows your state laws. What may be permitted in one state could be illegal in another.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
What are the cons for stopping Namenda and Aricept?
Always work with a doctor. Many elders get to a point where the drugs no longer help. They are simply living with the negative side... Always work with a doctor. Many elders get to a point where the drugs no longer help. They are simply living with the negative side effects. That is the time to quit. If this is the case, then weaning may be the answer. The doctor needs to be involved with this. If you don't agree with one doctor, find another. You are the best judge on how the drugs work but the doctor is the best judge for withdrawing them.
Best,
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Best,
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Question
Is it possible for my mom to change nursing rehab centers to be with her friends while on Medicare?
Wonderful, Nan. I hope that you can get her with her friends with no penalties.
Take care,
Carol
Take care,
Carol
Question
Why does my spouse refuse her medication particularly in the mornings?
FreqFlyer makes a lot of sense. Stomach issues could be the problem. Another thing to consider is that since she'll accept the meds... FreqFlyer makes a lot of sense. Stomach issues could be the problem.
Another thing to consider is that since she'll accept the meds from a med. tech who is familiar to her, she may not trust strangers. If she has dementia, this distrust could turn to paranoia. This could mean that she feels a stranger could make a mistake or even try to poison her.
This isn't a solution to your problem but it may help you understand it better. Talk with the facility about ways around this considering both the stomach issue and the trust issue. Maybe together you can come up with a routine that works better.
We'd love to hear if you find a way to make this work (or don't).
Take care,
Carol see more
Another thing to consider is that since she'll accept the meds from a med. tech who is familiar to her, she may not trust strangers. If she has dementia, this distrust could turn to paranoia. This could mean that she feels a stranger could make a mistake or even try to poison her.
This isn't a solution to your problem but it may help you understand it better. Talk with the facility about ways around this considering both the stomach issue and the trust issue. Maybe together you can come up with a routine that works better.
We'd love to hear if you find a way to make this work (or don't).
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Should I tell my mom I'm moving out of state?
If you can afford it, I agree that Pam has a point. Your mom may not have long to live and you may want to be close. However, if... If you can afford it, I agree that Pam has a point. Your mom may not have long to live and you may want to be close.
However, if that's not an option, I agree that you shouldn't tell her at this late stage. I do hope that you can somehow keep seeing her as often as you have been seeing her. She may not remember your visit but she still, underneath, knows that you've been there.
As far as her saying it's been a long time, in the later stages of the disease, she could say that it's been a long time in the afternoon even if you were there in the morning. I wouldn't take this as anything more than she is lonely and confused.
Try to work something out that is okay for you all. This is a tough place to be in.
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However, if that's not an option, I agree that you shouldn't tell her at this late stage. I do hope that you can somehow keep seeing her as often as you have been seeing her. She may not remember your visit but she still, underneath, knows that you've been there.
As far as her saying it's been a long time, in the later stages of the disease, she could say that it's been a long time in the afternoon even if you were there in the morning. I wouldn't take this as anything more than she is lonely and confused.
Try to work something out that is okay for you all. This is a tough place to be in.
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Question
Should my loved one with dementia stay overnight in a different home for Thanksgving?
I echo those who would stay home. The relatives could bring food to you or you could go to friends if you think that would work. I... I echo those who would stay home. The relatives could bring food to you or you could go to friends if you think that would work. I can't imagine relaxing under the circumstances that you describe (staying out of town).
In the end, though, you need to do as you mentioned and decide the pros and cons for yourself. You know your husband, your relatives and yourself.
Best wishes for you no matter what you decide. We'll be thinking of you. If you have a chance, we'd love to hear back from you to see how your holiday went.
Blessings,
Carol see more
In the end, though, you need to do as you mentioned and decide the pros and cons for yourself. You know your husband, your relatives and yourself.
Best wishes for you no matter what you decide. We'll be thinking of you. If you have a chance, we'd love to hear back from you to see how your holiday went.
Blessings,
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My Granny keeps everything that comes into the house. What can I do?
At this point, your Granny is not likely to respond to any type of therapy, but kindness and understanding may help in her at least allowing you to clean up food mess and dangerous things. The rest you may not be able to do anything about without causing her terrible distress.
This is unimaginably hard for others to live with but compassion for the hoarder helps with understanding the "why" which helps others make emotional adjustments.
I hope that you can make at least a little progress when it comes to safety and health.
Take care,
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