I'm freaking out. I'm taking care of my "mother-in-law", she's living with me. My boyfriend warned me she was nasty, but I thought he was just being mean. He hates her since he was a child, basically, which shocked me. But now I see why.
Age obviously doesn't help, but she's mean, negative, overly critical, demanding, controlling, inconsiderate and very manipulative. She's jealous of my relationship with her son so every time she hears me talking to him on the phone, she sulks and becomes passive aggressive. This passive aggressiveness has been lasting for days now and it's becoming stronger. There's a lot of tension between us, because she is mad at me all the time. I already snapped and told her she had to stop that, that I couldn't take care of her if she kept acting like that. That I wasn't her maid, my role was to help her walk and regain her autonomy and she had to be considerate (yes, she treats me like I'm an 18th century maid).
Now she's putting herself in danger every time she knows I can't be available for her. If I need to leave the house for 5 hours to take care of her things (groceries, bureaucracies or her money), then she waits in her chair or bed without complaining. But if I need to leave for one hour to go to the doctor, work or do anything for myself, even a nap, she purposely tries to fall on the ground.
First she lied about "needing to go to the toilet, but since I wasn't around, she had to go alone and fell". I didn't believe, but I made the mistake of saying "Do not attempt to walk alone again, it's dangerous". I say mistake, because she realized that it stressed me, so it worked. So she lied again, the exact same story - she HAD to go alone, because I wasn't here. This time I confronted her. Where were the injuries? If she fell in the bathroom she surely would knock her head in the sink or the tub(it's a small bathroom). And how did she manage to get up from the floor if she needs help to stand up and get out of the bed and chairs? MISTAKE II. Because, after she swore she did fall and she "was just amazed how she managed to survived with no injuries" and seeing I still wasn't buying it, she now wants to prove me she does fall, so she gets up and walks until it happens.
i.e. I had to take a 2 hour nap one afternoon, because I had only slept one hour that day (to take care of her, yes, I'm exhausted...). But I have a light sleep, since I'm in an alert state, so I woke up with a noise. It took me a while to understand what it was: it was she walking around the room with the walker. She got out of the bed (alone...so now I guess she's acting when she says she needs help), she walked around, but she didn't fall, so she sat in the chair, nothing happened, so she tried to get up again (or I honestly believe she actually threw herself to the ground, because of her position on the floor - if she was using her arms to push herself up from the chair, her arms would have to be by her side, but instead were under her chest and over her head. I heard a noise (but not a bump, like a fall) and after a few seconds of silence she called me. She was lying on the ground (couldn't get up like supposedly she did so skillfully before?). I put her in bed and gave her an ultimatum: if I caught her again on the floor or walking without supervision I'll put her in an assisted living facility. I had to leave that night to go to work, I locked the bathroom's door and when I got home she was in bed so I asked her if she tried to get out, she said no, but she was in a really bad mood. More and more passive-aggressive (silent treatment, yes/no answers, acting very "cool" - "I don't care if the cup it's too large or too small, it's only tea", "Who cares about the glass, it's only water" - when she's always nagging about everything - and she kept a sullen but arrogant expression)
I need help. I'm feeling a lot of tension in my stomach. I'm freaking out! I just want her to leave but there's no vacancies in local facilities and I don't think I have authority to just send her to one. Her son doesn't care about it/her, but I'm not sure if he understands how serious this is.
I always think I can handle things, that I can help people and maybe even help them become better humans that's how I end up in places like this.
But he sold this situation in a much better light (as he always does, why didn't I see it coming?). He said I would have lots of time for myself, we would hire caregivers to come every morning, she would go to the day care half the day or visit her friends, all I had to do was cook and manage the house, and be with her at night, in case anything happened. What I got was the opposite. She's impossible, her friends rarely visit her, she's very limited and dependent, can't/won't afford caregiving, and now she's throwing her codependency on me.
Yesterday, after talking to her about her life thinking she would feel/be better, at dinner she changed again to her bossy personality and after lots of criticism and complains, she complained that I wake up too late - she has no notion of time.... I have my alarm set to her waking time. So I told her, "you can wait, it won't kill you. I can't be by your side the second you open your eyes, because one, I don't sleep with you and two, this isn't the 12th century and I'm not your court lady. "I'm not saying that". (uuhh!)
No, I'm not using my money. She pays for her stuff. That was the only thing I wasn't lied about. Yes, Dorianne and Cellytron, he dumped her on me and I'll dump her somewhere as soon as I can. It's sad how things end up. I almost felt sorry for her yesterday, she's codependent, she's afraid of being alone, and I don't wish that to anyone . But she's also mean and materialistic, what makes her a horrible person and she made her bed.
This is has been a lesson to me, a whole graduation actually. A degree on how not to live your life. Thank you all for your support and ideas.
Imagine if YOUR mother/father/auntie/grandma/whoever was sick. Would you consider dumping them with your boyfriend and peaceing out? Of course you wouldn't. No reasonable person would. Your boyfriend is not a reasonable person.
Please get out of this situation before it gets any worse.
As you were advised, call 911 the next time she falls. If that doesn't work, start eviction proceedings.
Regardless- follow the advice about calling 911 the next time Mom winds up on the floor and refuse to take her back. Point out to the hospital social worker that she is not related to you in any way and you are not under any legal obligation- then give the social worker ALL your boyfriends contact information.
After that - walk away and don’t look back. Ask a friend to be at your place - instead of you - at an appointed time to pick up his mothers personal items. Have her stuff packed up and ready to go - sitting next to the door.
Time to kick these two users to the curb.
I'm doing all I can to make her more autonomous, I help her with walking, I looked online for some bed exercises she could do (and she likes it - yes!). I cook, clean and bathe her, I beg her scarce friends to take her somewhere, I watch tv with her and keep asking her to look for activities she finds interesting - crafts, going to museums (she liked that), whatever. I tried to fight her negativity, telling her there are people who lose their legs at their 20s and keep living and doing things. That this is only temporary, she may never walk like when she was 18, true, but she still can walk and if she can't jog she can use her brain and her hands. She doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I get it, being old can be depressive, losing capacities and autonomy can be very frustrating, I told her that too, I get it. But that she has a life to live. She can't count her days to the end, etc.
But this isn't just aging. It's who she is in a depressed angered state.
And yes, I'm an idiot and I'm always there for my boyfriend I don't know why. I must learn to say no but I always think I can manage it.
I told my boyfriend that today, Countrymouse. He keeps saying "it will pass", "ignore her" and dismissive stuff like this so I told him "this may be convenient for you but it's not for me. I'm not living, I'm exhausted, I'm stuck with a sick person, and I have no obligation to do it". They're being selfish. Both of them.
THIS WOMAN HAS NO CLAIM ON YOU. None. You took her in because she had no one else and your boyfriend asked you nicely? Hon, there are literally millions of lonely, old, ill people on the planet who have nobody. You going to take them in too?
The only thing that cheers me up is that you are already talking to the right people and you are already being both assertive and practical about getting her the support she actually needs. Do talk to her doctor, do keep applying pressure to social services - and not only for your benefit, but also for hers too. Her needs are beyond a single person in a home setting to manage, and you don't even have any duty of care towards her. Her living situation with you - purely looking at it from her point of view - is precarious at best, and that's no criticism of you. You're a saint.
She was "falling" a lot at home when her previous caregiver wasn't there (now I see what was really happening), so she needed to be with someone 24/7 and he asked me to help them and I'm an idiot, that's what I am, and I said "ok, but only until you find a better solution". Well, he isn't looking for any solution now. This is too convenient for both of them - she doesn't/can't spend money to have someone 24/7 with her, he has me there, so he doesn't have to bother anymore. I should have said NO, but Instead I said "ok...I can help" UUUHH!!
She doesn't need to go to the toilet during the night BarbBrooklyn. She can't even get out of the bed and she never tried it before. She wears diapers and she's constipated (another battle to take the medicine). She's just pretending to have to go to accentuate the drama, the victimization. and she only "has to go" if I'm not here. So being locked out of the bathroom doesn't have any impact. It's a way to avoid her to play that game and really hurt herself - the floor is more slippery and the space is tight. There's also another bathroom not far away, if she really needed to go, but she really doesn't have to go.
She's on a waiting list to go to a rehab facility but they don't know exactly how long she has to wait. I called the social assistant today and told her they have to hurry up or find a temporary solution, because she's harming herself and I can't deal with this manipulation. They told me to talk to her doctor. Gosh...
Threaten her (and I was serious about it) with the facility helped. She doesn't want to go to one so she's behaving well now, even if cynically. But I have to take her fear in consideration. No one wants to go. But I think she's too lonely, she's definitely resented, she's very materialistic, she may be grieving, but she has narcissistic traits and she is doing this to get attention. I'm giving her another chance, but I'm calling her doctor and tell him she needs psychological support now.
I like your idea Katiekate. If she does it again, that's a good way to get rid of this problem. Today I tried again the positive attitude, it helped to soften the tension. But she knows I'm not leaving today, maybe that's why, I don't know. Now that I'm here, she's ok with staying in the chair and bed for hours. I invited (insisted) to go out for a walk and when the time to leave came she said she was in pain and can't go she went to bed.
Breathe in, breathe out. But this neutrality won't last.
Thank you everyone.
Insist that she must go to the emergency room....being so old and frail you must be sure she is really OK. If she refuses, tell the EMT that she is confused and this is in her best interest
Basically...say, do whatever you must..but get she to the ER.
Then, refuse to allow she to come back. Tell social services that you cannot handle her safely. She is falling, and you cannot be there all the time. Stand your ground. You are not responsible for her. They must find a safe place for her...do not allow that to be your home any more,
That is how you put an end to this.
How on earth did this woman come to move into *your* home?