Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

What do you do when it isn't your mother, but your mother-in-law living with you? She is a recovering alcoholic, now, because I went to her home town and took her out of the mess and away from a controlling husband to stay with me, and hubby, until she got better. A year later, she is still at my house and her husband has passed away. She has 3 other sons, but of course, none of them want her living with them. She is only 69 so she could be around for a long time. I have a full-time career I don't want to give up. My husband says this is non-negotiable. He's the oldest and she worships him. Hmmmmm.

MRN, my dear, tell your mother in law to get up and take care of herself. 69 is not old by todays standards, and she needs to get a life. i am 63 and feel that i have a lot of living to do. whatever you do, do not give up your career, and non negotiable? hmmmm I would non negotiable him. lol. it is bad enough when you are the blood kin of someone who needs care, much less forced into service. RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can. donna

Hello, My dear girlfriends, Had a very bad day yesterday. Had a terrible migraine all day, and Dad beaconed me to come. I asked what he wanted and he said he wanted to see his life insurance policies, which are in a metal box that I keep in perfect order. I told him that I didn't feel well enough to go through everything and I would let him see them later. He insisted and started hitting his arm chair with his fist. I stood my ground and told him later, and I was ill. He wanted to phone to call the police on me to put me in jail, for not giving him his possessions. He goes off every so often, but this was the worse. I said, let me call your wife to handle this.

He said he hates me for watching my mother abuse him and not doing anything about it. I have never seen my mom physically hit my dad. I have seen her push him or shake her fist at him. I dress and bathe him every day, so if he had bruises I would see them, not only that I am not out of their site at all.

I went in the room and closed the door, so my poor little one wouldn't hear and told him that I was sick and tired of taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate it. I told him to call his fair haired boys on the phone, and see if they would take care of him. I told him that he throws to many fits and that I didn't appreciate him masturbating in my house and that he soon was going to go.

He stayed up all night pouting in his chair and I didn't care. Didn't even get up to check on him. Today, I wished him dead and didn't talk to him at all and am not ashamed to admit it. How I wish, if I were sick, that I would have a lovely place to stay, 3 meals served to me and someone to bathe and dress me and complain about it. Talked to my brothers today and told them what happened, said they would listen to me, but couldn't help. What else is new.

Donna, you are right to tell MRN run, run as fast as you can. That lady is young yet and she will be stuck with that forever. Non negotiable, my ass. I would give him non negotiable. My husbands mother is sick with alzheimers and he can't take his turn taking care of her because of me. I feel guilty about that, but can't handle any more.

Love you girls,

Marylynne

Donna you are so funny. Hi MRN, my name is Cindi. I take care of my 82 year old mother and 84 year old father who has altzheimers.

Sounds like your husband is being unfair. From what you said you took your mother in law in away from her controlling husband and for her to get better. Her husband is gone so one problem solved. Is she better? I agree with Donna, time for mother in law to get her own life. She is too young to be with you. She can worship your husband from her own place. He is married to you. He needs to be in alliance with you not choose his mother over you. We all know that the women do much more then the men in this regard. So most of the work is on you. If he is so hellbent on living with his mother he might find you gone. You all can help her get settled..etc..and help out when and where you can..but what he is asking is not right. He is enabling her. Good Luck!

Hey Girls, hope you are all doing alright!

Hugs

hey everyone, well the story of our lives another appt. today. but not til later in the afternoon. So I am going to take it easy this morning.
MRN, these situations need boundries, my husband basically doesn't do any of the care unless I need him too. In this case from what you said your husband is taking advantage that he has you to watch his mom.
How is your relationship with her? Is she ill? He should be at her beck and call and maybe he would understand better. If she is healthy enough to be on her own then so be it.
I have been biting my tongue because my mother has been saying the most rediculious things. Marylynne, it did good for you to get things off your chest. We are dealing with adults and sometimes because of the behavior we treat them like children it is very confusing. have a better day oxoxox Judy

OMG GIRLS this has been a rediculous day.. i was cleaning out the never clean garage, and found boxes and boxes of clothes, outdated worn out no good clothes, that my mom has stashed. she said i am saving them for a garage sale, i said no one would want them. so, i took them to the dumpster. she was very very aggravated. said a lot of people need things like that. I said good, let them dumpster dive for them then. then, amongst the junk,. i found a baby pillow case, with my nephew's name embroidered on it. I handed it to her and said, you may want to keep this.(my nephew died of pancreatitus in 1998) It was her grandson. she took it in the house, and then a bit later came to the door and said, I am going to give this to Mary (her younger sister) i said why? and she said, well, after all, he was her little brother too. and she will be here when i am gone..I just shook my head in disbelief, then i said, mom, do you not remember Jerry Dale? he was your grandson. She said no, he was my little brother. i just had to let it go. frustrating for me, as well as hurtful that she had forgotten such a precious person. He was my brothers oldest son, and only 19 when he died tragically. Then, tonight we had tornado warnings, and one actually did touch down a couple of miles from our home, but she said, why dont you call the kids and see if they are allright. I said which kids? she said your kids that live in the City (Oklahoma City), i said, I dont have kids living there. She said you do too. your baby is up there.. I said no mom, my kids live in the tulsa area. Bixby. she gave me that knowing glance and said, well, ok, donna, have it your way, you are always right. That statement always pisses me off to the max. and she knows it. Makes me want to slap her or shake her, whichever came first. I just walked out and left her mumbling to herself. Then after all the crap this afternoon, I finally gave her her meds, and got her in bed, settled down to watch tv for a while, and lo and behold, she gets up, and says, you will never watch tv with me, wait til i am in bed to do it, sneak around behind my back????oh my gosh,, she is driving me nuts. Will this madness ever end?
Marylynne, sounds like your dad's tantrum was equal to some of the ones this old woman throws. i am so sorry he waited til you were ill to act up, but that is what they do best, catch u at your weakest moment and act like spoiled children. Judy, what kind of rediculous things? bet my mom could top the best of rediculous.
Cindi, hon, you are still uplifting us all, and we love you for it. Even though you have so many problems of your own. I wish i were near you, you make me feel good. maybe tomorrow mom will be more with it, and i wont be faced with more of her idiocy.
I cannot believe this is the same person who i once went antiquing with, shopping with, on vacations with. That lady was very nice, agreeable, lovable. This lady here is a stranger, and i dont like her. She is controlling and mean. she complains nonstop every day. back to my first letter in this saga, HELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP
luv you gals, Donna

Dear Donna,

Know exactly how you feel. What happened to the parents we once loved. I can't stand to look at my Mom and Dad. I actually hate them now and am not ashamed to feel that way. I have a right to feel whatever I want, and I am not going to feel guilty about it any more. I want my old life back, my old house back, my friends, my community, everything I lost in the storm.

My 12 year old noticed on caller ID that someone was calling that my mom didn't want to talk to. She asked Maw Maw, do you want to talk to this lady before I answer it? My mom said Whisper, she can hear you. My daughter just rolled her eyes and said Maw Maw has lost it. Took her furniture shopping. Of course, Her back didn't hurt, as long as shes doing something she wants. Don't understand, All of this drives me crazy.

And Donna, you are right, Cindi, is so uplifting. I wish I was like that. To involved in feeling sorry about my own life.

Love you girls,

Marylynne

Hi Everyone,
Today was a long hard sad day. Gloomy weather and gloomy mood. Thank you Donna and Marylynne for your compliment. I am glad you find me uplifting sometimes. That was the nicest thing anyone said to me today. I don't see how I am uplifting when most of the time I am venting/complaining. Went for a drive tonight 8:30 after mother and dad went to bed. I felt closer to my mother today. We both started our day sad in regards to my sister. Her boyfriend called and asked us to reconnect with my sister over mother's day because she was deeply depressed. He broke off their engagement 2 weeks ago. We had been keeping away from my sister. She has some type of mental illness and denies having a problem and she is obscessed with my late son. She claims to be able to talk to him at any time and she does. Long story. We are worried about her and I am ultimately afraid of her taking her life. I feel as if I cannot go through this again. It all feels too familiar. WE have asked her to get help, told her she has a problem but refuses and denies. My brother says she needs to crash before she gets help. I told him that is what happened to my son and eventually he took his life. I said to this day I still feel somehow it was my fault. I really can't go through this again. My mother is broken hearted too. Been crying and talking to husband and even mother. I am afraid of her taking her life, or of me ending up having to take care of her too. I am going tomorrow to talk to some counselors. I asked my husband and mother when did it all go so wrong? I wonder to myself. I prayed.

Marylynne, you had every right to tell your father how you felt about the way he was acting and treating you. He needed to know how his behavior and actions made you feel. You are better then me I bathed my dad 3 times a week. I figure he doesn't do anything to get dirty and his skin might get too dried out..etc. You are the only other person I know that bathes her father. You are a good daughter no matter what they say. Donna, it is hard to feel anything but annoyed when you have had too much on your plate for too long. Your mother is getting more forgetful and confused. I know the feeling when you want to pull each one of your hairs out of your head one by one. When you don't trust yourself to be able to stand one more thing they say or do. That is when I know I have to get out! ASAP and even then when I get home sometimes that feeling is still there. I do feel better after posting you all. Still trying to get over this bronchitis...Take care of yourselves.

Cindi

Funny thing Dad thinks someone changed the toilet seat on the toilet he uses I said noone changed the seat couldn't convience him though. He wears his shoes to bed to keep his toes from rubbing on the covers HMMMM and his shoe came off and got stuck between the mattress and the foot board. He has a hospital bed and all he had to do was move the foot of the bed but he couldn't figure it out. He's complaining about his bowel habits again. Thats what I think I hate the most because its announced all the time. I give my dad showers because there is no way for him to get in a bathtub.
I think today is going to be a long one have to go see the friendly ppl at the pharmacy again more drugs for dad. later oxoxo judy

Good Morning Everyone:
Judy, it sure does take a saint amount of patience, doesn't it? They forget, or insist on things sometimes we can take it better then others. The other day my dad's alzheimer's kicked in and he was looking for his wallet. That set off red flags for me. I finally told him my brother has his wallet because he no longer needs it to drive and he doesn't handle money. He finally was satisfied with that explanation. I get anxious when he gets that crazed look in his eyes and wants to know where something is etc. Afraid he won't accept the answer and then I have to get innovative and make up lies etc. He is usually a quiet man but when he gets like this he gets agitatated. Gonna be a long day here too. I have two counseling appts. I never have done that before. Turns out they were both available sooner to me and on the same day! Gonna be a dishrag when I am through. Mom knows she will be alone with dad for about 4 hours total..2 hours and then 2 hours. Getting out of the house by 10 is gonna be rough on me. Enjoying a nice cup of tea now...ahhh...(laughing)...Dad is in bed still..Mom is up and in her room now. It's egg day today so will get breakfast going soon. Might have to wake Dad up early so I can be on time. My daughter's beagle, Oliver is here with me. He comforts me. Dad likes him too. My mother has a bird that stays in her room. It helps her to keep her busy having to take care of it. It is a pampered bird! His name is Pretty Bird. Hopefully going up north to see daughter on Saturday. Trying to get myself well enough. Hard with all this emotional stuff though. Will fill you in more on sister another time. Sun is coming out, thank God.
Be well, take care and lots of love to you all...

Cindi

I am new here nad have read only a few of the postings but do not feel alone anymore. I am a 49yo single dad of a 15yo daughter. I am an insulin dependent diabetic and an only child. To cut to the chase my parents (both 77) have lived with us for the past three years. We have constant battles over privacy (my mom goes through my stuff and my daughter's stuff - even tried keyed locks, but that led to more problems); hygene (my mom uses the same washrag for a week); things that are "not a good idea" (warming the car up in the garage - after two years of arguements I got my neighbor to talk to him and it has stopped, at least when I'm home).

There is an endless pile of this stuff that keeps growing. I am tired, frustrated, somewhat depressed, angry, negative, hopeless, wondering what they told my neighbors today (ex. bills), and / or what trivial item today's / this week's battle will be about. The arguements follow the same pattern. They tell me they are mad / disappointed but will not tell me what it is about only that I "should know". Then they don't want to talk about it, at least not with me. They have phone calls with friends and family about how, for example, wasteful I am in very general terms. Then a week later I find out it was because I threw out a perfectly good light bulb, or a completely brown banana , or ..............

I want to move out, BUT IT IS MY HOUSE!!!

dear sylow, and other great friends, i can so completely sympathize with you on the privacy thing. My mom comes into my room when i am gone and snoops around, makes me crazy. Then, i took some things out of my closet that i no longer wear, (lost a lot of weight, due to depression and nervousness, taking care of her) and she went and drug them back into the house, and told me that they were perfectly good clothes and that i had better keep them. sooooooooo they are back in my closet. funny about the toilet seat judy, sounds so familiar, because we have things like that all the time. my mom also has a hospital bed, and she tells me every day that it is leaning to one side and she nearly falls out of bed during the night. Each day, i look at it and it looks perfectly normal to me, but she complains about it every day. Now the newest big thing is that she itches all over. her head seems to be the worse, and she wants me to do something about it. WHAT THE H3LL CAN I DO ABOUT IT???? i gave her some benedryl, she went to sleep, but that only means that tonight, she will be up longer than usual, and i will not have much private time. i still want to run away. i dont deserve this. love, donna
Cindi, hopefully your sister will see a counselor soon, sounds like she is in great need.

Dear Sylow,

Was wondering if there were any men out there doing the same thing we are doing. I completely sympathize with you. I am just like you, I do not speak my peace, just wonder constantly what there mad about for the day.

If it is your home and they are living with you, for whatever reason, it is time to tell them that it is your home. It took me quite a while to stand up, especially to my mother, and tell her this is my home and these are my rules. My mom and dad live with me because we all lost our home in Hurricane Katrina. It took me 2 years and a nervous breakdown to finally say, this is my home. Now I have bought another home and am building them a separate space for them and they are paying for it. Hope this settles my problem, but yet to be seen. Welcome and feel free to vent any time. I am a 46 year old female, with one grown child 20 and one 12 year old, both girls. I was the baby of the family and my two brothers do nothing. We all know what you are going through. Do not feel alone.

Marylynne

Hello Again Friends: Donna, you are right. Thank you for your good wishes. If you only knew the rest of the story! Donna, your mom sounds like she has a strong personality. Insisting that you bring in clothes that are too big? Then you have to leave them in your closet? Where does free will come in? It's not her closet you are using. Controlling comes to mind. Maybe to them we are still young! Laughing. Please tell us what to do! We aren't old enough to know better...so how the heck do we take care of all of you! What a conflict! I just finished cooking dinner, early. My next counseling appt is at 4 so I have to leave in a bit. Be back around 5:30 so don't want to cook then. Mom likes to eat between 6:00-6:30 then she goes to her room to get the lotto results from tv. Made Pepper Steak and rice of course. Mom helped peel the skins off of the bell peppers. She was commenting how I was doing it so I asked her if she wanted to do it so she did. She even said I could go lie down for a bit while she did it for me. Such generosity, where did my mom go? Whose mother is this? She also thanked me yesterday for taking her to the dentist and opthalmologist while I am sick. Have to share the good things when they come seeing that I am always talking about the bad! And, yes...my mother likes her bell peppers skin peeled off. Try it sometime, it will make you absolutely knucking futz! But, then again we are all use to being driven nuts! Tell us somehing new! Benadryl was a good idea Donna, but like you said hope you don't pay for it tonight. Maybe she is having anxiety problems making her itching or maybe a reaction to some medication? Some kind of topical thing to put on skin would be good too. Anyways...
Welcome Sylow. I am sorry you are here with us yet I am glad you are here at the same time. Read your posting and am wondering if your parents are slightly off? I learned that if the people you are around do not make any sense and make you feel crazy then most likely THEY are crazy. As far as going through your things how do they justify that? Key locks sounded good to me..wonder why they didn't work. They need to respect your privacy. You can't control them but you can control what you do. What actions you take etc. After telling them that it is a non negotiable unless they are crazy they need to stop or if not you can put a stop to it. The hygiene thing not sure about that one. Can't make her be more hygienic and it only affects her mostly. I would warn family and friends that they are going to hear bizarre and untrue things from your parents and if they hear something that is alarming come to you for the truth otherwise disregard what they hear. If they are upset at you you cannot do anything about it unless they tell you. If they tell you that you should know...how could you...you don't read minds. If they tell you what they are upset about you can listen and maybe do something if not..they tell parents that you cannot fix what you don't know..and you don't read minds so..sorry they are upset and that's it. They sound as if they think you are incompetent and that they almost take care of you? Wanting to find fault with all you do. My counselor told me today that she was glad that I am trying to take care of me while taking care of parents. She said, Cindi you say this and that but what about you? How does Cindi feel? Anyways..I guess the bottom line is for us to take care of our parents if we want to as best we can..at the same time taking care of ourselves and if the two are conflictual, intolerably conflictual then we need to lay down the line and say I love you I want to help, I want to take care of you but I need this in order to do it..otherwise I can't, I am sorry. Easy to say, huh? Hard to do....but we must, or else we will be good to noone and as resentful as hell.

Time to go...
Oh, I called my sister and left her a message regarding mother's day and her coming over and us trying to mend the relationship...(what I learned today from my session)...

Hugs
Cindi

Oh and Sylow...I think at age 77 they can live elsewhere...what about assisted living or an active senior residence? Time for them to be on their own.

Good Luck! Hubby just called said he had a fever at work and took the tylenol I gave him. Made him an appt to see the doctor tomorrow at 1:45 (he moaned and groaned about it)...told him he just finished antibiotic yesterday should not get a fever again...it could be viral and we relapsed but have to make sure..esp since he is driving 5 hours up north on Saturday then 5 hours home on Sunday..and we are moving our daughter from one apartment to another. The fun never ends around here! Helppppppppp get me off of this merry go round just for a while please!

HI, This is the first time I have ever tried to share my thoughts with others. After reading your postings I feel very lucky. I am 37 years old and I am the sole caregiver for my 82 year old father. There are times when he is a handfull and a half, but at least once a day he thanks me for all that I do for him. I have a brother who loves us both but he is a thousand miles away. He calls often, but that dosen't help with doctors appts. My husband took a second job because I had to stop working. Our son is 9 and is trying to understand all the changes with our family. My Dad has lived with us for 9 years and has just started to decline in health. I never thought I would be changing his sheets everyday due to bedwetting. My Dad is a proud man and is having a very hard time with all his body parts starting to fail. (I'm having a hard time with it too.) I cryfor him everyday. He keeps sayingall he wanted to do was die with some dignity. What is dignified about bedwetting? I try to give him the best life I can. He says I can't do anymore than I already do. Why do I feel like I'm failing him?
Cathy

Dear Cathy,

You are not failing your father. You sound like a very caring and loving daughter. You are giving him the best life you can give him. It is hard to see your parent decline. Just be glad that he is just declining now. He seems like he realizes that you are his savings grace and appreciates it. My father had a stroke 20 years ago, and I have been watching the decline for a long time. My husband wasn't so supportive of me staying home to take care of my parents, but after the last 2 years of his parents being ill, has come to be supportive of me now. I think you have a lovely family life, Keep up whatever you are doing, it seems to be working for you. NO GUILT!! There are few people like these ladies on this website in this world and I am proud to know all of you.

Love,
Marylynne

marylynne, thanks so much for the compliment. I get few of them, as you well know, our parents sure dont dole them out freely. Cathy, sounds like you have a nice dad, only wish my mom were that way. Now she is wanting me to take her someplace tomorrow, i dont know where, probably to some store. I hate it. would rather be beaten as to take her places with her wlker, the fact that she most always has an accident in her pants before we get home. but, she says all i do is take care of my man, never pay any attention to her, lays on that thick guilt trip, and i start feeling that i should do more with her..where are all these people who think she is such a sweet old lady? no where in sight.. not a one of them have ever offered their services to stay with her, or take her out to dinner, or shopping or anywhere. that is all left up to me, along with the doctors visits, the drugstore trips, the cooking the cleaning, the everything. i am so sick of it i could scream. i soon will have to escape, even if it means going to the nuthouse. i hate it. my nerves are shot. i cant take much more. i am truly in distress. i know most of you have been where i am tonight, and it is no fun. maybe tomorrow will be better love to all my friends, donna

Dear Cathy, maybe you feel like you are failing him because you see how he is having a hard time dealing with his loss of functioning and you want to do more but can't. In the past you have taken good care of him and everything was good. However, he has aged and is declining and that is a very hard thing to accept and cope with. But cope we must.

Best Wishes
Cindi

Hi Donna, sweetie don't let your mom manipulate you with guilt. You take good care of her regardless of having your boyfriend. She knows how to press your buttons. Tell her you take good care of her and have a boyfriend, you can do both. You have a life also, and want to take care of her and also live life. Nothing wrong with that. Cope with it mom. Get use to it. I can't remember the care giver situation but Donna, you NEED to get out more. I don't know how you are going to arrange it but I don't see how you can continue giving quality care and not exploding with resentment if you continue like this. The ONLY way I survive is to have at least one day off a week. I take 4 to 8 hours off. This has trained my mother that I need time off and that someone else can take care of things. Also, I sneak time. When hubby is home from work and after I have fed everyone. I will go out to have a cup of tea with a girlfriend like to Barnes and Noble..bookstore. Or, even sometimes go see a movie. Or go visit girlfriend. Maybe you boyfriend can stay with your mother when he is home sometimes. Or arrange it with another friend to stay with mom. Or, contact altzheimers association or another aging association and hook up with other caregivers to maybe exchange care hours for free even! We must take care of ourselves better or we will not survive this. Love you all

Cindi

Thanks for all the compliments and good wishes. I realize I don't have it so bad. My Dad is a good guy. I worry about all of you. Donna, I get the whole going out thing. My Dad wants to go with me anywhere I go. I bring a change of clothes for him just incase. When I go out its like I'm trying to run away for a few minutes. But he has to come. I get help from home health care. We have a nurse that comes 2 times a week. An occupational theripist and physical theripist that comes 2 times a week each. Its only an hour, but its an hour i'm not incharge. Do you guys have anything like that?
I have great friends in my neighborhood. I can vent to them(they don't understand none of them live with a parent), but they listen. They all have advise, again they don't live with him.
I hope you all have a good day. I will be thinking about you
Cathy

I forgot, how does romance work? I have a baby monitor next to my bed incase something happens during the night. HE DOSEN'T SLEEP!!!!! My husband just looks at me. My Dad makes more noise at night than he does during the day.

Cathy, maybe shut off the monitor when it is romance time. Hard to enjoy oneself if you can hear dad. I mean he is usually okay when monitor is on so don't see why you can't shut it off and have some time for the both of you. Remember, we must take care of ourselves and have a life too while taking care of them. Will be harder to do without a husband.

Best Wishes
Cindi

Hi Friends: Still sick and tired...(haha) attempt at the truth and a joke rolled into one. Well, let's see how has my day gone. Woke up, made husband lunch, put out his meds for the am (he is sick too), put meds for this afternoon with his lunch, went to grocery store to stock up on things parents will need in our absence making sure to have lots of things mom likes to eat (she hardly eats so I try to stimulate her appetite with things she has been craving..then she just eats a few bites of it but better then nothing), put groceries away, wake dad up (early PT appt for mom), make his breakfast, he eats it in his room while watching tv, give him his meds including cough med etc, bathe him, help him dress, drop his eyes with med, spray his nose with meds, give him his shoes(he puts them on), cook rice for mom in the am in case she wants it for breakfast (and she did), let dog out, feed dog, fresh water, let him roam in house til we go, medicate myself( test glucose, give myself byetta injection, use nebulizer for asthma and then two other inhalers because I am sick), eat breakfast, then take oral pills, load dish washes with breakfast dishes, bring newspaper for dad to read while we wait in car for mother during her PT appt, bring coffee candy for dad, bring book for me, bring scissors and water jug (for flowers to put on son's grave), drive to PT, go with Mom into dressing room cause she likes me to help her tie her bathing suit top on (she has water PT for her back), go back to car and drive to cemetery with dad, remove old flowers and put fresh flowers on son's grave, drive back to PT and wait for 25 more minutes..(give dad the paper and some coffee candy), read a few pages in my book and contemplate life, try to shut eyes and relax for a bit, mom finishes PT and we drive off, take them to eat Japanese restaurant ( has to be asian for mom usually), we eat, I pay, drive back to home but first stop at the gas station to buy her lotto (second time today), get home, listen to messages on phone, call husband and tell him the dr wants to give me more antibiotics so tell him to remind dr to give the samples to husband (husband is being rechecked by dr cause he ran a fever yesterday after finishing antibiotics), call the caregiver to arrange a meeting this afternoon so I can instruct her on dad care (husband and I are leaving tomorrow for San Jose 5 hours away and caregiver is coming after I leave), have to still type up instructions (but I got waylaid here..laughing), called sister's boyfriend to arrange a meeting here next week to discuss sister and problems..(long story) call brother to remind him he is on call for emergencies cause I am going out of town, mom asks me to play secretary and call a nursing home that her girlfriend (from active senior living) was moved to...they won't give us info on phone we have to go there in person (scratch that off for now she will have me take her another day), then she wants me to look up a pharmacy's number so she can ask the girl to special order some face cream...that is when I say Mom, you need a private secretary...oh yeah..all the while the dog needs attention so I play with him off and on and pet him..in fact he is here now squeaking his ball so I will throw it!!! Opps it is his monkey not his ball..laughing. Day isn't even over yet waiting for the caregiver now...and got to go type up instructions! Tonight going out to dinner..(early mother's day kind of) thank god not cooking. Have to pack yet..oh and give dad his clothes from the dryer so he can fold/hang it...(gives him something to do..in fact that is the only thing he does..read it is good for them)...And, how was your day? What did you all do?

Love and Hugs....sorry for the longggggggg letter and boring details of my life..just had to vent I guess...

Cindi

Cindi, Have a great trip. Hope you and your husband feel better. Thanks for the support.
Cathy

welcome Sylow and Cathy,we let everything pour out here, I have both parents with health issues. My Dad is 94 and Mom is 74. There are six of us living together for the past 6 years. When my Dad's sight went we had to move in together because my Mom gave up driving years ago. My Dad had a tragic fall a year ago and has been through alot just to walk again. My mom had a stroke around the same time. My Dad is also appreciative of my help and doesn't want to put anymore on me, my Mom on the other hand can be vicious. Like all our mothers here, negative.
Dad's sleeping meds have been making him act different. he says he's sleeping through the night but I think they are knocking him out too much, he said he saw little ppl in his room and his feet were wet to his ankles. We tried to tell him it was the sleeeping pill and he still thought he saw them. We were fighting about his eating habits again I see it declining. He said he hopes he makes it to his birthday June 30th.
Cathy how about depends for you Dad so he doesn't wet the bed or bed pads those may help. like babies that don't come with instuctions neither do the elderly. We do what we know is best and they can't expect more from us. I don't feel guilty about going somewhere they had their time and we deserve ours.
Sylow, what is the reason they came to live with you, are they ailing? I leave my Dad a pile of washcloths in the bathroom and that seems to work and I take the one he used away. Alot of behavior has to be dismissed just because we know how things really are and we know what kind of ppl we are so don't take too much too seriously. As long as noone is getting physically hurt but I would take the car keys away and only let them have them when you are around. Take care everyone, lets make a date where no matter where we are from we have a day out. Happy Mother's Day to the best caregivers in the world oxoxox Judy

Marylynne, Do you get time away? Time off? Help? I spent my day at my sons and my nephews baseball games, but my mind seems to come back to all of you guys. I don't have it so bad. I can leave my dad for a few hours at a time.(somedays, depending on his mood)I always worry about what I'm going to come home to. Like you said we have to keep living our lives. I haven't figured out the no guilt thing yet!
Judy, We have tried depends, other brands, with inserts, without inserts, we have started having him use the bathroom every 2 hrs. It seem to be helping.(maybe? One morning dry. We will take the little victories.)
I have never been a patient person. I'm learning. To go anwhere we have to start getting ready an hour earlier. AGHHHH.(that is what I yell in my head)
Do you guys ever feel like you have A.D.D.?
I start a task, he calls me, I do whatever he needs me to do, them I stand and think what was I doing? I walk through the house tring to remember. I walk into a room and have no idea why I'm there. I have to tell people what I'm thinking when I think it or I will forget. Even if has nothing to do with the conversation we are having. Somedays I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I can only imagine what you all go through on a daily basis.
I hope you all have a happy mother's day(even those of us that are not mothers)
We all have the responsibility if one.
Cathy

Dear Cathy,

I have been helping take care of my dad for 20 years. My dad had a major cerebral hemorrhage and was paralyzed, my mom does not drive. Her world fell apart after my dad took ill. I took over little things, at first, and then over the years took over everything. My mom and I lost our homes in Hurricane Katrina, so when I and my husband bought a home, we moved them in with us. My dad has the garage fixed up as an apartment and mom stays in her room in the house. My dad has had several more strokes and now has little to no speech. When mom tries to understand him they fight and it goes on and on from there.

Yes, I do get to get out the house for 2 hours a day, but my 80 year old mother follows me wherever I go. She is very mean and doesn't appreciate anything. My dad gives me trouble too, but not as often as her. I can leave my dad for short periods of time, if he stays in his chair, while I am gone and promises not to transfer into his wheelchair. I tried the baby monitor thing for a while, but my husband could not sleep with all the noises my dad makes at night. So I turned it off and said come what may. He has fallen a few times, since they live with me, but hasn't broken anything of lately.

I thought I had it bad before the Hurricane, traveling back and forth between my house and my mothers house to do whatever I had to do for the day, doctors appts., pharmacy, etc. until the Hurricane hit, and they moved in. I had it super easy before. I cannot believe the difference of taking care of them in my own home. At least before, I got to go home at some point, even if it was late in the evening. Sometimes I slept there for a week at a time, if one of them was sick, balancing my family and theres, but this is pure torture. Of lately, I am close to a nervous breakdown, so husband and I bought a house closer to where we use to live before the storm and is adding on, with my mom and dad's insurance money, an addition that is wheelchair accessible and that I can close them off by a door. Hoping that this will give me some peace of mind. I know what you mean when you say about ADD. My mom calls me from across the house 100 times a day. I have to stop, go in the room, ask her what she wants, do it and then try to figure out what I am doing. She is 80 and has taken several falls this year and seems to be getting very forgetful. She is the type that knows every thing and no matter what you say, she is right. Speaking up for yourself, does no good with my mom, she will turn it around to you being the guilty one.

My 20 year old is coming home from college and I am actually trying not to put her back in the mix. She is very hard to get along with and is use to living with a boyfriend. Told her that will not happen at my house and if she wants to do that, she needs to find an apartment that she can share with him. Can't take much more havoc in my life. My 12 year old daughter is just hanging on by a thread, not use to this way of life for the past 2 1/2 years.

Sorry to give you my life story, all the other girls know it. Glad you're only 37, you have a chance at a regular life, before you get much older. You are a very good, kind hearted daughter, like the rest of us. I have heard there are just rewards for people like us, just don't know what they will be and when we will get them.

Happy Mother's Day to you and all my wonderful friends.

Love, Marylynne

Dear Marylynne,
Please do not apologize for sharing your life with me. When I first visited this website I was feeling very sorry for myself. After reading about all of you I realize life could be sooooo much more difficult. I try and remember that when my dad is driving me crazy.
A year ago we found out that he has a triple A (abdominal aortic aneurism). Very big and very bad. He went for a cardiac catheterization and they also found that he needs a triple bypass. Dad also has atrophibulation. In heart health this is a nightmare. Some doctors say surgery, some say too risky. He is sick (haha) of doctors. Dad is a walking time bomb.
Before the catheterization you would have never known he was ill. The doctors released him from the hospital. He came home and that night fell. He had aminor heart attack(they think). After a week in the hospital they put him in a nursing home for 19 days for rehab. He is stronger now. He is hoping the surgen will give him a green light for surgery. Rehab after surgery will be another nightmare for all who care for him.
My Mom died when I was 4. It has been my dad my brother and me for so many years. It is all I know. My Aunt and Uncle offered to take my brother and I after my mom died. My dad said they are my kids i'll raise them. In 1974 there weren't that many men raising children on their own. My dad is at the age of most of my friends grandparents. He fought in WWII in the navy. He has always been my hero. That is why this is so hard for me.(sorry had to pour my heart out a little, with some tears.)
I am very fortunate to have the family and friends that I have. I hope to include you to that list as well.
Thanks for listening.
Cathy

Dear Cathy,

You have a lovely father. My father was also a lovely man, guess after taking care of him for so long, I have just gotten bitter.

As far as heart terminology, know all about it. My dad had a major heart attack before his first stroke. They found that he had an aneurysm on the heart caused by a heart attack that later caused his stroke. The surgery was to intense for him to withstand, so they sent him home saying that he was a time bomb, like your father. He lived that way for 13 years, taking several falls, until he fell out and and had to have emergency bypass surgery. He recooped from that to have atrial fibrilation and so on and so on. In 2000, he fell, broke his pelvis and had another stroke and was hospitalized for 6 months. My children have both lived in hospitals, because of my mom not driving. I had to be there all the time. It is a sad world when you can't trust hospitals to take care of your loved one.

You were so very lucky that your dad took care of you and your brother as a single parent. That is hard for men. You have great love for him and he for you. After 20 years of this, I just can't imagine how much more I can endure, but know that God is only supposed to give you what you can handle. Every time I say I can't go any more, something else happens, So I better shut up or knock on wood.

What did your Mom die of when you were 4. That is such a tragedy and How old is your Dad? All the best on this Mother's Day.

Love, Marylynne