Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Cindi, when I get a day like that, I call my friend and sing into her answering machine, you know the commercial:

I'm free to do what I want, any old time.........
I'm free to do what i want, any old time.......

Love, Marylynne

Hi Marylynne, glad you got out sorry your husband got ill but glad he is all better now. Boy, lots of chaos going on, huh? Even though it takes a lot of work before we can go out and have fun I think it's important to go out. That way our parents see that we need to get out and they maybe are a bit more humbled even if they would not admit to it. Nice that your mother admitted she needed you and was anxious when you were gone. Funny, how we both think alike maybe it's because our mothers are the most alike! Peg your mother is so mean! She is also not mentally okay because she hits you and says you were violent with her??? Doesn't make sense. You know someone is crazy when they do not make sense and you feel crazy around them as if you were losing your mind. That is what I learned from my counselor/mentor and surrogate mother. Peg the book you were talking about can it be purchased at the bookstore..or where? Peg glad you walked out of the house to go to er and get care...probably should of not come home or leave her to her own devices. I mean if she hits you...you are gone..tell her that Peg, and do it. It will just get worse if you don't take a stance for yourself. You did say she doesn't have altzheimers..or other dementia right? So she is doing this full knowing.
Judy hope you are feeling better and able to go on. Donna thinking about you too. Have a nice day with boyfriend helping?
I went to the hospital with my gf to see the other gf and her mom who is dying. Going to call her later to see how things are...My sister (I call her the other) is going to take my mother and father out to lunch today. Hallaleujah! Husband asked me to meet him for a quick lunch. I am gonna sneak out while they are gone and have some time for myself. Told mother to bring the housekey with her. Thing is...if sister learns that I used this time to have some fun, she is so mean that she won't like it that she helped me get out. Probably won't take parents out to lunch anymore or something, who knows...Have a wonderful day friends...the sun is shining and right now my heart feels light.

Love,
Cindi

Thanks Cyndi; I'll keep that in mind.

Come on girls - let's make a pact - we all have to be careful about saying we want to hurt or kill ourselves. I accidentally said it while on the phone to local Office of the Aging, and when I was done with the phone call, there were several local police cars around my car (I was in uniform and ready to go to work) and they questioned me closely to make sure I wasn't go to kill myself. I felt like a fool - a uniformed Security Guard being considered a possible suicide.

Yesterday when I came home from church and grocery shopping, Mama and I started peeling potatos for dinner and with NO warning, she became verbally abusive then punched me in the left eye. I was terrified (that I'd lose sight). I grabbed my coat and purse and started for my car (to get to the hospital) and she yelled that I was to come back and finish making dinner. I ignored her and got to the hospital (my father came from his place and met me in the ER - he is very supportive, and it bothers him very badly that she does these things to me). After exam and Xrays I'm fine - just the bones around my eye are sore but no "black eye". Then I had to go back into the house to get my uniform shirt and pants to go to work. Mama accused ME of being violent, and I said she had punched me in the eye, and she said I was "lucky". I was depressed all thru my shift at work.

Someone loaned me a WONDERFUL book - I recommend it to all - I read it and took lots of notes while at my post today. It is from AARP and titled "Caring for your Parents" by Hugh Delehanty & Elinor Ginzler. It really explained Dementia and Alzheimers very well. It has tons of other info also.
Hopefully you are all seen or heard of it - if not, it is worth tracking down and reading.

love,
Peg

Hey girls, didn't hurt myself, yet.... Saturday, got out for a little while to go to a crawfish boil. What I had to do before going out, was not worth going. Mom and Dad were fighting about something, Mom got depressed and sulked and had to bathe dad then fix them lunch, take my little girl to a school fest and than meet my husband for one whole hour, before I had to go back get my kid, and fix dinner for the olddddd people. Sound familiar. Well it only gets better from there. My husband came home and got violently ill. Thought he had food poisoning. His pressure dropped dangerously low and I rushed him to the emergency room. No one else who went to the crawfish boil was ill, so I don't know what happened. All I kept thinking, was don't let me lose my husband. I told him don't leave me with these oldddddd people. You can't. He is doing better today. Mom admitted to me today, that when I had to go to the emergency room, she actually did know what to do and got very nervous about me not being here.

Read all of your postings. Girls, I don't only think our mothers are quadruplets and think we are too. Judy, I say the same things all the time about running into a tree or something... Sometimes I accidentally say it in conversation to one of my friends and then they think I'm going to commit suicide. Then I have to reassure them that I am o.k. The day I brought myself to the hospital, My 20 year old, who hates my guts, said Mom please don't do anything to yourself. I love you and I need you. I couldn't believe it.

Cindi, Girl everytime I read your postings, and the things you say, It sounds exactly like the things I think in my mind all of the time.

I love you girls,

Marylynne

Donna
Great idea! You might just have an idea there! I do wish we lived closer! Maybe there are others...but god, what if we find people who have parents worse then ours!!! Wouldn't that be something...Hope you got a lot of flowers planted and that you are enjoying your time with your boyfriend.
Marylynne, hope you are doing okay hun...
Judy...girls I am worried about Judy she is having a real hard day...scares me when she says those things. I prayed for her and all of us..
As I write this posting a girlfriend of mine called and said another one of our girlfriends is in the hospital waiting for her mother to pass away. That puts in perspective for me that no matter what we feel or go through we are taking good care of our parents girls..and someday it will be final when they go and we are going to miss them greatly and be sad. This girlfriend's mother was in the same nursing home my dad was in. She turned 90 a few months ago...and has lived in that nursing home for 5 years. She has parkinsons and hasn't been herself the last 2 to 3 weeks..last night they had to take her to the hospital cause she is not eating or drinking and having difficulty breathing. She perked up a bit last night but today she is worse. They pulled out the Iv's etc..because she stated she didn't want any life prolongment. She is dying and my poor girlfriend has to sit and watch and wait. She has one daughter there with her..and the other one (who is very emotional) is driving in from 10 hours away. They (all 3 of them..mother and two daughters) are going to spend the night in the hospital. If the mother lives through tonight they will move her back to the nursing home and hospice will step in...until she passes..My heart is breaking for her. I am going to finish cooking dinner and am going with another girlfriend to the hospital to offer some support.

Judy, just read your post. Please do not say that or do that!!!! You must really have had it today! Get away from her somehow...take a break get out of the house...someplace where you can be quiet for awhile. Can you tell her you are not doing well, you are frustrated and need her to be quiet...or whatever you need? No driving off of any cliffs...not acceptable...Take care of yourself, sweetie. What would you tell someone to do if they weren't you...if you were someone else taking care of you what would you do? Saying a pray for you and all of us now...

Love and Hugs
Cindi

I felt like driving my car off a cliff today. Just sooooo frustrated. I too would not let anything bad happen to my mom but I wish she would take some initative and do something for herself.

IN READING THRU ALL OF OUR POSTINGS, IT JUST HIT ME. JUDY'S MOM, CINDI'S MOM, MARYLYNNE'S MOM, AND MINE ARE QUADRUPLETS SEPARATED AT BIRTH. THEY ALL SOUND JUST ALIKE. WOULDNT IT BE NICE IF WE LIVED CLOSER TO ONE ANOTHER SO WE COULD SHARE CAREGIVING DUTIES WITH ONE ANOTHER? ARE THERE OTHERS WHO LIVE NEAR US WITH THE SAME PROBLEMS? WOULD THERE BE A WAY TO SET UP A CARE GIVER SHARE OF SOME KIND WHERE WE COULD HAVE A LITTLE MORE FREEDOM? JUST A THOUGHT, BECAUSE, REGARDLESS OF HER HATEFUL LITTLE WAYS, I LOVE MOM, AND WOULD NOT BE HAPPY TO PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME. AM THINKING OF RUNNING AN AD IN THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER TO SEE IF ANY ONE RESPONDS. I KNOW WE ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES. LOVE, DONNA

Judy, I'm glad you know that your dad loves you. That does help. Your mother just seems like mine, miserable. Sounds very unhappy with her life and so she puts it on you, complaining complaining complaining. How does your dad take it? I've told my mother that she is the #1 complainer and my sister is #2. She said nothing. I last said it in front of my brother who was here. I didn't say it mean... just said it as a statement...(a true one). Hate when they are in that complaining mode sometimes you feel you are just going to burst! Time to get out then. I'm sorry to hear that your mother is using your home as collateral for you taking care of her. My mother would do that to if she could. She is that way. Very much in the controlling, power position. Bad place for you to be, you feel powerless and as if all you have done is insignificant. I mean if you can't take it anymore and she needs more then you have...it is the way it is. Thank goodness that after years of her hounding me about how she helped take care of my son and countless other things she really doesn't have much over me to use on me. With her type of personality that gives me the edge. But, she does what Donna's mother does. She says too bad I am here if I weren't here you would be free to do what you want. Stuff like that. She wants me to say oh no mom it is okay it is best for you to be here we will work things out etc. Or, sometimes I say mom if you want to stay or if you don't want to stay it is all your choice. I think it is better for you if you stay cause I can give you the best care but it is your choice. Also told her before that if this arrangement works or not will be directly up to her. I told her I am pretty flexible and accomodating and she is picky, critical, complaintive, negative....(difficult basically) and so it is up to her to make things work. Anyways, I feel for you. I know how it is to be in that position. I lived with my parents as an unwedded mother for 6 years, both my son and I. She would never let me forget about it for years. Lorded it over me, until I finally said if I knew you would do this to me and talk about it etc like this then I wish you would have put me and my son out on the street....in fact I would have chosen that. By the way she has erased me from her will several times...(laughing now) because of my candid way of telling her the truth. She hates it. The other sister has cussed her out etc..they battled like cats and dogs. My brother also gave it to her..but they had not been taken off the will. But look who is taking care of her now. Funny how life can turn around and bite you on the butt huh? My sister (who has mental and emotional problems now...that Ifeel are due to my mother) use to say that my mother is an ingrate. That she is not grateful for anything we do and that she has a short term memory for what we do but remembers every little thing that she has done for us and she uses it as arsenal against us to guilt us and manipulate us into doing things for her...Sound familiar?
Our mothers suffer grave emotional even mental problems and ladies, we suffer for it. They use it and take it out on us. What is that saying about we hurt the ones we love...or should it be..we hurt the ones that love us??? That would be us girls. OUr mothers hurt us and don't even see it. They are too busy suffering their own lives, emotions, conditions and they can't see what we give up and do for them and take from them all because we love them. Yes, we love them despite everything and so we hold on...and go on...God help all of us...mothers and daughters included...

gm everyone~! looks like going to be a nice day today. My mom is in her chair, and watching tv already. I need to do flower beds today, so wont be on much. as cindi says SSDD. yesterday my friend and i went fishing and it was fun and nice to be out, when we got back she was not happy. said , if i had any place else to go, i would leave and let you do whatever you want. I am just in your way. I told her, no, mom, you are not in my way, but you need to be a little kinder to me. I also need a life. She said nothing, but has been somewhat nicer to me this am. Another day on the edge, as my bf is here and is going to help me in the yard, and i need help too, but can tell that she is unhappy about him being here. I certainly cannot please everyone in this family, so i need to quit feeling guilty that i do not. Judy, i can relate to your problem with the house and all. Sometimes it just is not worth the effort of fighting about though. Cindi, you are a sweetheart, to stop doing the things you enjoy to help your mom. I hope we all will be rewarded for our sacrifices. Marylynne, hope you are ok today. i love you girls!!

morning, Cindi we all can't see the light at the end of the tunnel the cays seem long and aometimes like they will never end. All I hear all day is complaining like a broken record over and over and over. Things that happened 40+ years ago. Right now as I am on here my mom is complaining. It weighs heavy on my heart to think that she would take my home away from me when I am helping her if she can't live here anymore. Its all about money I have dealt with thaoe arguements all my life. They have plenty they don't have to worry, my Dad is different he wants me to have things my Dad loves me. Well got to take him to therapy. Bye, Judy

Good Evening Everyone. No words from you all today. Been feeling guilty because Mom has been lying around in bed a lot the last few days. I have been in and out alot more this week. Going to call the doctor tomorrow and have her seen for stomach plmbs and lack of appetite. She said she didn't feel well and feels down. I was more attentive to her this afternoon into the evening. Husband and I got out to a movie earlier in the day. Right now feeling frustrated and burnt out. She was needy tonight. Husband and I were trying to watch a movie and she kept interupting where we had to keep pausing the movie. I become impatient and it was grating on my nerves. I wanted to scream. Yet, I just went up to her to see what she wanted and did it. I just wonder how long and how will the time play out. How will I get through it. She has been with me for 5 months yesterday and I am so tired already. Some days I do better and am actually proud of my accomplishments and how well I take care of both parents. Other days, I really don't give a darn how well I do I just wished I didn't have to do it anymore. I know it is hard on them. That they must feel depressed etc seeing their bodies failng them and having to lean on people to care for them. But that is their issue and though I feel for them times like this I can only feel for myself. How the hell am I going to get through this. The huge loss of freedom. Having to be patient all the time. Dropping what I need to do to tend to her. This really is all too much.

Marylynne, I do agree with your friend. Your parents will not admit to any wrongdoing on your part. They are not affecting you is what they believe. If they took the responsibility that they are making you sick it would be too much for them. They would have to face the truth. Much easier to live in denial and put the blame on you. It doesn't really matter if the fess up to the fact that they are affecting your health. You know the truth. It is fruitless to try to prove it to them or to get them to admit it. It is a vicous cycle that you can choose to step out of. You don't need their admittance or approval. Your opinion is the only one that matters. Know your truth and proceed from there.

Marier:
looks like you are going to be a godsend for some lucky people and their families. I think it is great what you are planning on doing. I am an LVN and use all my skills and more taking care of my parents. I have jokingly said to my husband that I am going to put a sign up stating senior care. You must of had nicer parents to take caregive. If you had some of our parents, namely Mothers I couldn't see you choosing to do it again. You see taking care of them is one thing but taking care of them while they abuse you is another. Some of us have very emotionally unhealthy mothers. I have a feeling they were that way before too maybe it just didn't show as much. You had a lot of good insight and info especially about the nursing homes. Good luck in your future endeavor. We need more people like you.

Cindi

NMoreno, It is normal for you to live with your fiancee after you marry him. It is not normal or healthy to take care of your grandmother, risking your own physical health, risking your marriage, all the while taking care of her. Why isn't your mother doing this or handling this? It will not have a positive outcome for you if you continue down this road. Choose you. You could still be there for grandma in other ways...Good Luck...

Cindi

Donna,
You have through a lot. Losing your grandson, your brother, then your husband. Having to take care of your husband during his illness. Having your son who has a disability. I feel for you...for the tragedies you have had to endure, the pain, the loss. Yes, it awful losing my son and I will always live with that. You have some understanding because of losing your grandson. Having to be there for your son when he lost his child. I understand what you mean about not wanting to take care of anyone for once. I feel the same way. Although it does give me some joy to know that I am doing good by my parents and for them. I also mourn my loss of freedom. I have always longed to be free but before my daughter went off to college my dad was already living with me. My daughter said "Mom I feel bad for you cause you were looking forward to be free when I went off to college and now you are not free." Boy, is that right. I just hope my day will come when I will get to be free and enjoy my life. I hope I don't die before that happens..or die for that to happen. I'm also sorry about your son who is in prison. May he find healing and turn his life around. My son was addicted to Meth it turned out. He could not stay clean. It had started messing up his mind. He didn't see a way out so he ended his life. At least my sweet boy is in heaven now. No more pain.
Sometimes I tell my mother...what am I suppose to do never go anywhere or not have a life at all? She says no, I didn't say that. It makes her stop and think when I put it that way. Donna, you are doing your mother a favor by keeping her. You are trying to have a life where you can take care of her and yourself. If having your male friend live with you is going to make your life easier, better and help you through better then go for it. Mother is going to have to get use to it..or else she can choose to live somewhere else. Unless, she is allowed to dictate to you how it is going to be, what you can and can't do...all the while frustrating the hell out of you...and leaving you to exist only for her. You will resent her. You cannot control what choices she makes or what she does or threatens to do...you can only control what you do, what choices you make. Make the right ones for yourself while trying to help your mom too. If she doesn't allow you to help her unless you do it all her way..then you have some decisions to make...take care of you hun...

Cindi

Dear Girls, I forgot to tell you one thing, I consulted with my best girlfriend who always gives me sound advice. She said I have to get over the fact that my parents don't get that they are the ones giving me my nervous trouble. They both will not take responsibility for them being the problem. She said they will never get it and until I get over that fact and go on with my life, I will never feel better. Do you think she is right? And how do I forget that they don't care that they are the ones doing this to me. I get up every morning hoping that i will have some kind of revelation and I don't. Love, Marylynne

nmoreno Take care of yourself and move in with your significant other. This will only take a toll on your health and emotional being and you need to have your own life. I know you deeply care for your grandmother, but let your mother take over finding whatever is the best for her and you take care of your health.

marier I wish I lived near you. You are just what I am looking for in New Orleans. Over here, before the Hurricane they had what we called Group Homes, where a caregiver, like yourself would take in 5 - 6 people with help and provide for the needs for about $2000 a month. We had my dad in one when he had his last stroke and broke his pelvis at the same time. He couldn't be moved, so we couldn't take him home and care for him. We only had him there for a month, but since the storm, there is no other alternatives, but nursing homes for him. I understand what you're saying about them losing their own strenth and independence, but when it comes down to 20 years of it, a person just gets emotionally drained. When all you have to look forward to for the day is going to the doctor it is hard to get up.

Donna, Love you honey, your personal tradgedies are too much for any one to endure. I think about running away and never coming back. Today, I had to go to a crawfish boil for my husbands company. What I had to do before I left, so I could go, was just not worth going. I feel like I am punished all of the time. If I go outside and talk to a friend, she follows me. If I'm gone too long, she wants to know why it took too long. My dad being totally disabled, is more easy to handle than her. I wake up every morning and vomit, because I don't want to get up and start my day. If I didn't have ya'll to talk to I don't know if I would make it through the day. I have lost 5 pounds in one week, from depression and look sickly. Hope I start feeling better soon. My friends say, I just have to suck it up and deal with it if I'm not going to happy either way.

Hi; I have been trying to cope by living with my edlerly grandma who has not only had a heart attack, but also has had mini strokes, and has revived on her own, which is short of a miracle. But living with her every day; it's like too stressful for me, as myself, I was born with a heart condition, and its very hard for me to deal with this living situation with my grandmother. So; I consulted with my mom, that after I get married, I may have no other choice but to move in with my fiance'. Since; my grandma doesn't get along well with new people in my life like my fiance', would that be a good idea, to move out and start a life on our own? I don't want to sound selfish; but this is taking a strain on my own heart and life.' Anyone has any advice? I'd appreciate it, thanks.

hi all,
Marylynne, thanks for the words of encouragement. and you said something that really made me think. You are right, if i had a week away, i would never want to come back, it actually happened. I hired a lady to stay with my mom in february, while i and my friend went to nashville for 5 days. When it was time to come home, i dreaded it with every thread of my being. As i got nearer home, my stomach started getting in knots, and when we pulled in the driveway, i was almost afraid to come in, knowing the cold treatment i would get and how aggravated she was with me for leaving. like a child who has misbehaved, that is how i felt. This is wrong. A grown person should never feel that they have to slip around to do something for themselves. This afternoon, i had to go to the parts store, because the top radiator hose on my car had gone bad. I was gone for about an hour but, it takes time to figure this stuff out. then when i came back, the phone was ringing. It was my son and he just wanted to talk about his week, and right after he hung up, my girlfriend who lives 3 houses away, but yet i can never go to her house to visit, called and we talked quite a while. My mom came and stood in the hallway, just outside the door to my room, and listened. and every once in a while she would say, Oh? are you still on the phone? although she knew that i was, as she was standing right there.
Girls, i am not handling it anymore. just not doing well. my nerves are shot, and i am thinking seriously of nursing homes more and more. I am tired of the bs that i am going thru, my life is nearly over too, and i want to live while i can.
Marylynne, hon i have only touched bits of the tragedies that i have had in the last 10 years. The worst one of all was that my 14 year old grandson drowned, while visiting me at the lake. My son and husband were with him, and an undercurrent caught him and pulled him into a culvert, and he got hung up on brush and could not get out. my nightmares are of that. then, 2 months prior to my husbands death, i lost my only sibling, my younger brother, who i adored. when my husband died, due to lack of funds, i had to give up my house at the lake, sell most of my things, give up my new car, and move to my moms house.(away from my kids) when i finally got my money from the life insurance, i spent most of it remodeling her old house, which is now mine, as i borrowed money and bought her half, which she promptly gave to my sister in law, the princess. My mom thinks she is perfect though she does nothing, to help, never offers to take her anywhere, or anything, just comes by a couple of times a week for 30 min or so, and visits with her. So, yes, i am bitter, very much so. As i said, i am not handling it right now. hopefully prayer will help. I dont know what i would do without you ladies to whine to. i love you all, and pray that each of us can find some peace, some how. love, Donna

Dear Donna: I am so sorry for all your tragedies also. I feel for you and Cindi with your true losses of life. You move your boyfriend in, and if mom don't like it, let her find some place to live. You're right, where in the hell is she going to go. You know before the Hurricane, my daughter, who is 20 now, made my and her fathers life miserable always getting into some kind of trouble. Not drug related, just a trouble making kid. Couldn't wait for her to go off to college, than the storm hit and had to take in mom and dad. But, I have had no real personal tradgedies such as yours and Cindi's. Sometimes I wonder if God's going to punish me for complaining so much. I sure wouldn't want one of my children or my husband to get sick from me complaining about my life.

I often wonder, if we all had one week of freedom, I mean real freedom. Not having to call and check on some one, Not have to be home for a certain time, Not have to go to the doctors, Not to worry what is happening at home, would we want to come back? I think not!!!

I use to think I was doing this out of the goodness of my heart. Now, I am doing it with a heavy heart. I pray for us all, Donna, Cindi, Judy and Peg.

Love, Marylynne

hello girls, hoping that i will be able to get thru today. first of all, cindi, my deepest and sincerest sympathy to u on the loss of your son in such a tragic way. believe me, as the mother of 4 sons, i know about the drugs, and how they can ruin lives. My eldest son is now in prison for the next 12 years, because he was manufacturing methamphetimines. I worry that he will never get out alive.
Marylynne, in answer to your question, my husband was diagnosed in 97 with prostate cancer, it was very bad and a fast moving kind, so they had to do a radical prostatectomy. He was very ill, and had problems for the next 9 years until his death. I took care of him and my mom for the last 3 of his life, and he was made miserable by my moms constant nagging to him. according to her, he could do nothing right. And in private, he would gripe to me about her, but yet, he wanted me to take care of her. Then of course, there is my son who is mentally ill. i had him too. I feel like my entire lifetime has been taking care of people, and i am so tired of it. I want to have freedom to do as i want without any one telling me what i have to do. I am very unhappy, because now, my mom is saying if my bf moves in, she will leave. well, good for her. where the hell is she going? and why hasnt she already left?
anyway, going to read some of the pstings you were talking about cindi, and see if they make me feel better. luv all of u, donna

Hey girls, thanks for thinking of me, I am exhuasted this week. With the therapy three days a week it has thrown my body out of wack. Also having the Eagle ceremony for my son and his best friend tomorrow I am very nervous hoping everyone will get their parts right.
Had an out of town guest arrive late last night, started my youngest son in drivers training classes this week too. I have to force myself to rest. Glad all of you are still going strong. I will be very busy tomorrow I will try to get back to you girls on Sunday if not Monday. Have a great weekend, oxoxo Judy

Hi Everyone. I agree with Marylynne wondering how Judy and Donna are doing. First thing I thought this am was SSDD (same sh*t different day) but hey it's friday and the weekend is coming, right?! Should be a bit different seeing the weekend is coming. As I type this the parents are still asleep. Mom will be waking up soon though (usually between 7-7:30 am) Dad sleeps 8:30-9:30. Have to get ready to go to curves today. Go Monday, Wednesday and Friday for Stress relief and to move it around a bit. I don't like excercising though so I make myself go. Changed our health insurance to an HMO from a PPO. Have a doctor appointment to meet the new doctor today. Going to leave mom and dad home by themselves. She'll be here so she can keep an eye on him for awhile. I don't leave him with her very often but she will be okay on this. Seeing that she wants me to be as healthy as I can (also so I can continue caring for them). Better get ready now..Have a good day and hope them mothers and fathers are behaving and doing okay.

Hugs
Cindi

Marylynne, sorry to hear that lexopro didn't work for you. I seem to be okay on it. Hope cymbalta works.

Love,
Cindi

Donna, I saw your last posting, saying you can't get through. I thought something happened to you. Hope everything is ok. Waiting to talk with you again and Judy too.

Got off my lexapro today. Made me feel like I was pregnant with the nausea. I'd rather die than have that feeling. Am filling my Cymbalta prescription now. Hope something works.

Love, Marylynne

Cindi - thanks for your response - yea, I know I shouldn't be beaten. no, a couple days in jail would only make her more angry and ready to blame me. And my needs went out the window years ago.

I will look in the library for that book you found - Elder Rage - I'd like to read it.

And my mother and I have visited senior living residences - they seem to be two types: 1, sell the house to pay the entrance fee and monthly fee (which she could do if she sold the house)and be taken care of hand and foot, or 2.have such a low income that she could have a really cheap apartment. Since the deed is in her name, my only option is to move out and get an apartment, and leave her to sink or swim. She doesn't cook anymore, and can't write her own checks, etc. I have been told that if I can't take it and have to move, I should call Adult Protective Services, and they will send someone in to make sure she eats, etc. But I don't know if they would have enough people to be able to do all the things I do.

too tired tonight to think anymore - the Tylenol PM is kicking in and I'm getting sleepy. hope she sleeps all night.

Peg

i am sick to death of this site just like the rest of my life. i have written several postings and cannot get them to go thru

Ladies,
I read a post under a different category and have some good news that may help. I know that I have usedit myself, but think this clarifies it more. Also, the book might be very good. Here goes...(this posting was under frustrated daughter)

I just saw a book entitled "Elder Rage" by Jacqueline Marcell on another post. She said that we have to start start setting some boundaries and use behavior modification, which will be very effective.

She said that we first need the “Jacqueline Marcell Emotional Shield.” Put it on every day and then don’t let anything that they say bother you. Allow all of the negativity to bounce right off you. Then after they make a nasty comment, or do something out of line, say calmly, “Oh Mom or Dad, I love you, but that wasn’t very nice to say. You know, when you are ready to talk nicely to me—I’ll be back”. And then just leave the room. No arguing, no yelling, no attitude, just set your boundary EVERY time.

If you do this enough, they'll start to get it. And then most importantly, when they are being nice to you, be sure to acknowledge it, give compliments, throw in a gentle touch, hug or kiss—and you will be sure to get lots more of that behavior.