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desperation I am very sorry Your dear Mother passed away recently. So Many of Us Caregivers here on this wonderful A/A Site have felt that Heartbreak which You are experiencing right now. A Mother is the Heartbeat of Home, and the Pulse of Her Children's Lives. It is Mother Who keeps the Family together. I can feel Your pain, because only six months ago I Lost My Mother, Who I know is in Heaven with Your own Mother, where there is no more pain, or sorrow. What You are feeling now, We felt that too but believe Me it will become easier. Obviously You adored Your Mom and You were very cloce, so give Yourself time all the time You need. I hid from the World for months after Mammy had passed away. I drove to another Town to do My shopping, I went to Mass in a Chapel far from Home...I simply avoided every One Who knew Me, because I knew as soon They would mention Mam I'd cry My Heart out, but after months had passed I began to thank Our Lady for the Long and wonderful Life Mother enjoyed and for the merciful painless end Mam was granted. I began to accept that it was Mam's Time. 87 years is a great span of Life. None of Us is immortal, as We will All die eventually, hence We must enjoy every day of Our Lives, and Live Life to the full. Desperation give it time, there is no time Limit on grief, but I Promice You the sun will shine again, and You will feel great joy come back into Your Life, because while You can't see Your Mom, She will be with You every second for the rest of Your Life, as Those Who We Love Live in Our Heart, and Our Mind Forever. I found Prayer a great comfort to Me, also I Joined the Newly formed voluntry VISIT THE ELDERLY in Our Town which is wonderful since I have always adored Our Elder Generation. So Many are lonely and Live alone, and Love the Company and conversation. These wonderful People are steeped in history, and have wonderful knowledge if We take the time to visit Our Elders and Listen to Their great story of Life it is so fulfilling and rewarding. I also joined the Legion of Mary and I'm feeling more like My old Self, as I'm after winning back My zest for Life again.
Zythrr, my comment wasn't that Desperation couldn't benefit from support. It was that Desperation perhaps isn't even around to check the thread she created and may in high likelihood not even read any responses to her 2012 post.
Dear Desperation, My deepest sympathies and condolences on the loss of your beloved mother. I am so sorry to hear of your pain and sorrow. I know its hard during such a difficult time to want to do anything but cry. It will take time to adjust to a new normal. Please try to take care of yourself the best you can. Thinking of you. With hugs.
Desperation, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Its understandable to be depressed and in a funk. There is not a set criteria on how long it should take for you to come out of your mourning depression. One thing which may help is to imagine that you were passed on and your mother was doing what you are doing, sad, depressed, stuck. How would you feel if she was mourning you and haveing a hard time. What would you say to her? Well I think she would say same to you. She would not want to break your heart or see you with a broken heart.
I think it also helps to understand that she is always with you in spirit through God. Also think of her in a beautiful place. no more pain nomore sorrow.. With her own mother and father and other loved ones.
It makes me smile sometimes when I think of the people my beloved deceased will meet there in heaven. Always one person who will ease my heart and concern is up there waiting.
We get blessed, those memories are with us forever. They are with us in memories and what they have instilled in us just the itself is always with you.
So cheer up my sister. your mother would want you happy and enjoying what is left of your life cherished and loved and happy. you have a husband there pushing you, loveing you. Cherish these moments and blessings while they are here.
The older the get the more pain we experience the more people we see move on. Try and spend what's left loving and making more beautiful memories. That is the way I have felt since my father passed on. To give love and make sure my loved ones know i love them. The memories and what he instilled in me, i passed to my son and i see him over and over in my heart, in my son, in how he does his family, in other kind hearted loving people.
my mom passed away after a short illness from septic shock. she had not been able to speak due to a stroke for almost 19 years. with her passing, went the hopes and dreams she might one day speak to me again. last I saw her I had the urge to hold her and tell her I love her. she rubbed my forearm and cried. that was her way of telling me she loved me. I have that, but I am very depressed, always feeling could I have done more? I know your post is old and hopefully you have more peace. my mom just passed away in May and my emotions are all over the place.
Dear Desperation: I am a priest and a grief counselor. All these messages are helpful. Know that God is grieving, too, and wants to be at your side. You are in my heart and prayers. collar-button
I am sorry that you're going through this right now and certainly sorry for your loss as I know how great a loss it is. My mom passed away in April and I seemed to handle it differently then you but we still grieve the same. I was the picture of calmness after she died and all through the arrangements and funeral. I even gave the Eulogy for mommy. I think I was so proud of myself that I didn't break down in front of everyone. I believe that unlike you, I thought that I was supposed to "get over it" fast so that all the relatives didn't feel so bad. Okay, fast forward to maybe...August or so. All of a sudden this horrible horrible feeling of being an orphan and not having mommy here was overwhelming to me. (maybe you know the feeling I am talking about). No one anymore, knew about my childhood like mom and there was an emptiness that no one including my children and husband could fill. Now fast forward to today. For the last 4 months I've been silently suffering from severe depression. I'm talking very very bad. I see my mom at times, I ALWAYS talk to her as I've designated a star as mom so that I can talk to her at night. The reason I'm telling you this is because I think that your grieving now is completly normal and there is NO set time to "get over it". I chose to let everyone think I "got over it" and look where it landed me. Grieve for your dear mom. She was everything and there isn't one person in this world that knows the relationship you had with her. You have every right to grieve for weeks or months if need be and I sincerely don't think your husband has lost anyone or he would know this. I'm soon going to get myself some help with this but please know that there is nothing wrong with going to a doctor and asking for help. I've put it off and I don't want you to be in my shoes. Hugs to you and please know you're not alone. Mom is watching you and trying to help you through this.
The emotions you are feeling is grief, your body and soul need healing time. Your husband sounds like a fixer, he wants to help you and at the moment is helpless. He hates seeing you like this and that is his way of helping. Reaching out and talking with others will help you in this process.
Your depression is understandable given your recent loss, but your husband's response to your depression is not reasonable. I can imagine that you might feel hopeless and helpless in light of this depression and the unrealistic expectation for you to just snap out of it.
I have bipolar I which means I have times of great highs known as mania and great lows also called depression when I sleep for 14 hours a day, don't feel rested when I get out of bed or like doing anything the rest of the day, often do not take a shower, brush my teeth or check my blood sugar level. My meds have had to be adjusted and I'm finding therapy helpful, but tough when it comes to not letting my moods control me.
For example, if I wait until I feel like taking a shower, I'm not going to. If I wait until I feel like getting out of bed as well as wait until I feel like I actually do something during the day, then I'm not going to. Plus, when I sleep in super late and let the feeling of not feeling like do anything control me, it is then tough to go to bed at a decent time and get to sleep in a reasonable amount of time. None of this is easy and some days I do better than other days, but I am making progress. So, I'd say pick one simple thing to do and motivate yourself by thinking about how good you will feel when you accomplish that one simple thing. Then, build from there.
Right now, you are overwhelmed with grief. You may need to ask your doctor for an anti-depressant to help you work through this time of grief in all of its stages and you may benefit from talking with a clergy person or a therapist.
I wish you well and I wish your husband was more empathetic.
Bless you. My heart goes out to you! You Were such a great daughter, keep reminding yourself of that. Like the others said, try to do things for you. I find nature very healing. try different things and eliminate those that make you sad. Although grief must run it's course. When my Dad died it took at least a year. I am dreading the time when I loose my sweet mom. Hugs!
I too, am sorry for your loss. In due time, you will be more up to your old self. Your dh's timetable sounds like too fast. But he probably didn't know what to say. Best wishes.
Desparation: I too am so sorry for you. You have my deepest sympathy. I am new to this site. I, like you have cared for my mom for a very long time. Please, please get some help. I can only tell you by experience you are on your way to breaking. It happened to me two days after I had to put my mom in a nursing home. My grief was overwhelming. I had a physotic-break due to not eating enough or drinking. Potassium levels were "critical". It wasn't pleasant. My husband and daughter thought they were going to loose me. Had that happened they would have had extreme anger toward my mom, because they would have blamed my taking such good care of her and not of myself the reason. I don't know the relationship between you and your husband, but I know my husband loves me very much....but he basically told me the same thing a few weeks ago. He knows my moms dementia and decline are something I have to face and he wants me to get help for feeling as bad as I do (The folks on this site helped me see that I really did need to see someone). I was able to set up an appt with a therapist I had seen before, but I couldn't get in right away. I knew I needed help, so I called the social worker at the nursing home my mom is at. She was so kind and helpful. It was good to talk to her. I was able to see my therapist yesterday, and between this site and the help from the social worker and therapist, I can feel improvement. You just need someone who has the experience to help you. Your husband is probably like mine, he loves you but he can't take seeing you hurt like this. My husband watch me take care of my mom for 32 years. Then he saw me "break". I had to be hospitalized 3 days. Try to get some help. I'm sure some of these fine folks know of some other websites that can help you through grieving. Try to focus on your hubby now. If he watched you care for your mom for 10 years he's probably learned to live without his "wife" for a while. I know my husband has. I'm really trying to concentrate on him now. I do see the benefits of my mom being in the nursing home. I am able to now visit with her, but then I can come home, have dinner with him and I can spend a little time with him. Normally after our dinner, I'd go downstairs to get mom ready for the night, and I wouldn't be back upstairs for 2 to 3 hrs. By then the poor guy fell asleep, and I was so wrapped up in my mom I can see he was grieving for me. Try to get up, take a shower, eat, and get out and walk! It sounds nuts, but it helps. I fought having to take anti anxiety pills, but after the "break" I was on them for about 2 weeks. I'm doing much better, and I know you will be ok if you concentrate on you. You're husband will feel better too, because he doesn't want you to hurt. Grieving takes time though....so don't expect to just "snap out of it", but you can get a hold on it. I've got a brochure that helped me cope when my dad died. If you'd like one let me know, and I'll give you my e mail address. Then I can send it to you. Please take care of yourself and keep in touch. Elaine
I am so sorry for your loss. Take really good care of yourself now. You know that is what your Mother would want for you. You took care of her so lovingly all these years and now it is time to take care of yourself and your family in the same loving way.
My husband would probably react the same; not that he isn't loving and supportive....he is scared and worried about you. In his own way, probably grieving for your Mom as well. Both of your lives have changed and it takes time to adjust.
I agree with everything said above and pray you will soon find peace and joy in moving on.
Everyone grieves in their own time; you need more than a few days; give yourself permission to grieve for a long period of time -- especially with holidays. Don't beat yourself up or do what others think you should "get over it". Try to set small goals for yourself everyday (beyond the paperwork). Getting up; getting a hair appointment; going for a walk daily. Also, check with your local church, senior services center, hospital and get into a grief counseling group. This will allow you to be able to share your feelings anonymously and give and get support from others who are in various stages of grieving process -- they'll help you see a light at the end of the tunnel and that there is life after caregiving. You've done a loving thing for your mom; now take care of yourself so you can be the woman you want. You may need to meet new friends or connect with old ones -- join a book club, birding club, etc. when you are up to it. Reconnect with a neighbor and invite them to tea/coffee or a quick lunch out. You'll be back to your oldself or better self; give it some time and heal thyself. Just don't let yourself slip into depression; make sure you are connected to outside world and if its just too overwhelming after awhile --seek professional help from your physician or counselor. Many hugs!
I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful blessing that you were with your mother and giving her personal service right before the end.
You will miss your mother forever, and remembering the loss will always be painful, but it will become more manageable over time.
You are up and logging into this site. That is a good sign.
I don't know your husband's personality or his reasoning, but I know it would concern me very greatly to see someone I loved unable to get out of bed all day, unwilling to shower and take care of themselves, eating only junk, and unable to answer the phone. I would want that to end, too. It is not so easy to "snap out of it" but I understand the wish that it could happen.
You took care of your mother for many years. You need to turn those caregiving skills toward your own needs. You can get by on junk food for several days, but do start feeding yourself more nourishing food. Maybe not a big meal, but a cup of soup, then next time a piece of toast with peanut butter, hot chocolate made with milk -- think of some comfort foods that will give your body strength. Getting dressed and going for short walks will also be healing. If you don't answer the phone you won't have to deal with junk calls, but when friends call, try to talk to them briefly, even if it is just to say you aren't able to talk now and to thank them for calling.
You are a worthy, unique, caring individual. You deserve to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it right now. Surely it is what your mother would want. It is what your husband wants. And as a fellow-caregiver it is what I want for you.
My husband died last week. I find that keeping busy is therapeutic for me. Yesterday I spent getting pictures ready for the memorial service. What is good for me might not be good for you. Each of us handles our losses in our own ways. Cut yourself some slack. But do try to take care of your body even when your mind is in such pain.
Desperation- I am so sorry for your loss. (((((hugs))))). Maybe you are being too hard on yourself. It has only been a week. You cared for your Mom for almost 10 years - I think you deserve at least a week to grieve. You may have bottled up emotions for those 10years too. It is hard being a caregiver. You may not just be grieving for you Mom but letting go of years of emotion.
Personally, I think going to a therapist is a great gift to oneself. Find one you really like- if you do not connect with your first try do not feel bad about changing. Sometimes it takes a few attempts at finding a good therapist. I know this from experience. But it will really really help. You mentioned you had a mass for your Mom- so I am guessing your are Catholic. I have turned to my priest in times of counseling and he was very supportive. I called the office and asked to meet and he was very kind. But first I would -as hard as it may be- try to getoff the junk food. I totally do that-my therapist calls it carb loading-when you at depressed. Your body does crave those kinds of food.. It is hard to not eat them but if you can get your diet better balanced you -physiologically - will feel better. The same with exercise. Try try try to get up and walk for 30 minutes a day. It will make your body heal even when your mind doesn't want to. Depression is very physical. I would not worry about trying to "snap out of it". I would just try to walk for 30 minutes a day, eat a little better and then grieve the way I want. This is my opinion-this is what I would do. I think that as long as you are not harming yourself you should be able to set your own parameters of grieving. Blessings to you.
Oh so wrong for your husband to do that!! I am so sorry for all you are going through. My Dad also died in his sleep and that helped knowing it was peacefull. When I got the call and went to the house, he looked like he always did sleeping. One hand over his forhead and one foot stuck out of the side of the covers. So I know he didn't know it was coming, which helped. So know even though you are suffering your Mom did not. I am sorry you are going through this alone as well. Like I said in previous post, try talking to your Mom as you go through her paperwork ask her questions and realy think what her answer would be, sounds funny but after a while you actually hear the answer in their voice and it's comforting. Also take comfort in knowing you had that special tender moment with your Mom just before she closed her eyes and went to sleep. Alot of people regret not having said "I Love you". You not only said it just prior to her sleep, but you also had the tender hands on moment of washing her hair, which I am sure she enjoyed more than you will ever know. My prayers are with you.
I cared for her for nearly 10 years. I know I was a good daughter but now I think I am just dead in every way. I do not know how to be happy. Mom died in her sleep. I wasn't there. I washed her hair the night before, gave her a milkshake told her I loved her. When I went back at 4 in the morning after the call I held her dead body for two hours wrapped in flannel blanket for Christmas and told her I loved her, closed her eyes and played her favorite cd. We had the wake, (very few people) and beautiful mass. I will get her ashes this week and am taking them to her childhood home. I have done this all alone for so long I lost myself. I do not want to talk to anyone on the phone now. Put up a good front but now feel like I am underwater. Still have paperwork to do for her even tho she was left with nothing from all years in nursing home. I just retired this past year so do not have a job to go to, husband gave me three days to snap out of it and get on with my life. How long will I feel like this?
Try talking to your Mom as if she where there durring your everyday work. I talk to Dad all the time durring the day, while I am caring for Mom. It makes me feel closer to him even if he is no long physically here, he is always by my side helping me care for Mom just as he did for so many years. My prayers are with you, and take your time, people process their greif differently so don't let people make you think you "should be over it".
So VERY sorry for your loss. It is natural to grieve. You may want to consider a grief counselor. Grieving is an ongoing process. It is different for everyone and the length of time varies as well. TRY getting up for a little bit of time instead of under the covers all day. You just may benefit from a grief counselor.
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APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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If anyone needs a current thread/discussion to go to, I recommend:
"Life after the loss of a loved one".
You're probably right. Desperation may have logged off after her mom passed.
Desperation give it time, there is no time Limit on grief, but I Promice You the sun will shine again, and You will feel great joy come back into Your Life, because while You can't see Your Mom, She will be with You every second for the rest of Your Life, as Those Who We Love Live in Our Heart, and Our Mind Forever. I found Prayer a great comfort to Me, also I Joined the Newly formed voluntry VISIT THE ELDERLY in Our Town which is wonderful since I have always adored Our Elder Generation. So Many are lonely and Live alone, and Love the Company and conversation. These wonderful People are steeped in history, and have wonderful knowledge if We take the time to visit Our Elders and Listen to Their great story of Life it is so fulfilling and rewarding.
I also joined the Legion of Mary and I'm feeling more like My old Self, as I'm after winning back My zest for Life again.
True, though Desperation could still be missing his/her mom. Heck I think often about my dear uncle, and it will soon be 8 years.
I think it also helps to understand that she is always with you in spirit through God. Also think of her in a beautiful place. no more pain nomore sorrow.. With her own mother and father and other loved ones.
It makes me smile sometimes when I think of the people my beloved deceased will meet there in heaven. Always one person who will ease my heart and concern is up there waiting.
We get blessed, those memories are with us forever. They are with us in memories and what they have instilled in us just the itself is always with you.
So cheer up my sister. your mother would want you happy and enjoying what is left of your life cherished and loved and happy. you have a husband there pushing you, loveing you. Cherish these moments and blessings while they are here.
The older the get the more pain we experience the more people we see move on. Try and spend what's left loving and making more beautiful memories. That is the way I have felt since my father passed on. To give love and make sure my loved ones know i love them. The memories and what he instilled in me, i passed to my son and i see him over and over in my heart, in my son, in how he does his family, in other kind hearted loving people.
She is right there, will always be...
I have bipolar I which means I have times of great highs known as mania and great lows also called depression when I sleep for 14 hours a day, don't feel rested when I get out of bed or like doing anything the rest of the day, often do not take a shower, brush my teeth or check my blood sugar level. My meds have had to be adjusted and I'm finding therapy helpful, but tough when it comes to not letting my moods control me.
For example, if I wait until I feel like taking a shower, I'm not going to. If I wait until I feel like getting out of bed as well as wait until I feel like I actually do something during the day, then I'm not going to. Plus, when I sleep in super late and let the feeling of not feeling like do anything control me, it is then tough to go to bed at a decent time and get to sleep in a reasonable amount of time. None of this is easy and some days I do better than other days, but I am making progress. So, I'd say pick one simple thing to do and motivate yourself by thinking about how good you will feel when you accomplish that one simple thing. Then, build from there.
Right now, you are overwhelmed with grief. You may need to ask your doctor for an anti-depressant to help you work through this time of grief in all of its stages and you may benefit from talking with a clergy person or a therapist.
I wish you well and I wish your husband was more empathetic.
When my Dad died it took at least a year. I am dreading the time when I loose my sweet mom. Hugs!
My husband would probably react the same; not that he isn't loving and supportive....he is scared and worried about you. In his own way, probably grieving for your Mom as well. Both of your lives have changed and it takes time to adjust.
I agree with everything said above and pray you will soon find peace and joy in moving on.
You will miss your mother forever, and remembering the loss will always be painful, but it will become more manageable over time.
You are up and logging into this site. That is a good sign.
I don't know your husband's personality or his reasoning, but I know it would concern me very greatly to see someone I loved unable to get out of bed all day, unwilling to shower and take care of themselves, eating only junk, and unable to answer the phone. I would want that to end, too. It is not so easy to "snap out of it" but I understand the wish that it could happen.
You took care of your mother for many years. You need to turn those caregiving skills toward your own needs. You can get by on junk food for several days, but do start feeding yourself more nourishing food. Maybe not a big meal, but a cup of soup, then next time a piece of toast with peanut butter, hot chocolate made with milk -- think of some comfort foods that will give your body strength. Getting dressed and going for short walks will also be healing. If you don't answer the phone you won't have to deal with junk calls, but when friends call, try to talk to them briefly, even if it is just to say you aren't able to talk now and to thank them for calling.
You are a worthy, unique, caring individual. You deserve to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it right now. Surely it is what your mother would want. It is what your husband wants. And as a fellow-caregiver it is what I want for you.
My husband died last week. I find that keeping busy is therapeutic for me. Yesterday I spent getting pictures ready for the memorial service. What is good for me might not be good for you. Each of us handles our losses in our own ways. Cut yourself some slack. But do try to take care of your body even when your mind is in such pain.
Personally, I think going to a therapist is a great gift to oneself. Find one you really like- if you do not connect with your first try do not feel bad about changing. Sometimes it takes a few attempts at finding a good therapist. I know this from experience. But it will really really help. You mentioned you had a mass for your Mom- so I am guessing your are Catholic. I have turned to my priest in times of counseling and he was very supportive. I called the office and asked to meet and he was very kind.
But first I would -as hard as it may be- try to getoff the junk food. I totally do that-my therapist calls it carb loading-when you at depressed. Your body does crave those kinds of food.. It is hard to not eat them but if you can get your diet better balanced you -physiologically - will feel better. The same with exercise. Try try try to get up and walk for 30 minutes a day. It will make your body heal even when your mind doesn't want to. Depression is very physical. I would not worry about trying to "snap out of it". I would just try to walk for 30 minutes a day, eat a little better and then grieve the way I want. This is my opinion-this is what I would do. I think that as long as you are not harming yourself you should be able to set your own parameters of grieving.
Blessings to you.