After four years of struggle, a failed trial at assisted living, worsening dementia, falls, hospitalizations, her hostility and rude treatment of multiple caregivers, and dwindling funds, we FINALLY were able to relocate her in an excellent ALF (with multiple levels of care) in February. She had no choice - her house had to be sold to fund her necessary care and she was NOT safe by any standard living alone. She is furious, angry, hates everyone and everything, every day. The caregivers are fat, stupid, ugly, uneducated, their clothes and hair and fingernails are ugly, you name it. Every single phone conversation is a litany of complaint, misery, blame, and accusations. She says they are stealing her clothes, plotting against her or to kill her, and everyone hates her and yells at her... it just goes on and on. In one episode, she told my sister a caregiver refused to give her her inhaler and then screamed at her. This happened in the common area where there is a camera - the caregiver was taking her inhaler to be refilled, and it was MOM who berated and yelled at her. Mom says horrible things about each of us kids to the others. AND NONE OF IT IS TRUE. We all live 1000 miles plus away, and this nightmare is only getting worse. The staff has been patient and understanding, returning our calls and texts promptly. They have a doctor who sees residents weekly. But we kids are losing our minds over her behavior. We had a few weeks of blessed relief from the putting out of fires long distance after she moved in there, and she IS where she NEEDS to be, and is safe and looked after. But JEEEZ, she is just turned into this horror-story witch. I've blocked her calls; she has called my sister 5 or 6 times a day to rant and moan and b***h. We are just about fed up... maybe I'm just venting, but I hate seeing how upset my brother gets after she lights into him (which she just did when he called her for Mother's Day. Ha. Lovely. Seeking commiseration, comfort, suggestions for US... SHE is hopeless.
Be glad you're not dealing with this chronic chaos in person, bringing her snacks and outfits and 10 different pairs of shoes to see which fit due to swollen feet, and 8 bras to see which fit only to find out she now wants sports bras instead.
Limit your calls to X per week and once the nastiness starts, tell mom the doorbell rang and you have to go.
Dealing with constant negativity, complaining and confabulating is not necessary. Set down some boundaries and stick to them like glue. Mom is being well cared for and the facility will call you if there's a real issue.
Best of luck to you.
It is sad to see how these personalities spend their last days .... trying to engage others in their misery instead of being thankful that ANYONE is spending their energies to care for them.
You and your siblings must reserve your energies to take care of yourselves before you are left depleated. (I am still struggling with this, but this forum helps me move forward ... at 67 years old, I must!)
a mom vacation. They should go no contact and block her calls for 2 weeks. And then call her once a week. If she is nasty to them, she gets one warning and then if she starts again, they hang up. And that’s it! If they can’t get through to her there is no reason they should be subjected to abuse. She’s being care for and that will have to be good enough.
They need to hide her anti-anxiety meds in food or something if she won't take them. Maybe see a Neurologist for updated meds?
I agree you are lucky to be 1,000 miles away. Just block her calls, the facility will call you if an emergency.
Your sister and brother will eventually back off, despite trying to be supportive to Mom....since it hasn't worked. I wish you all strength and success in doing what you are doing to keep your Mom safe. It takes extreme bravery and patience!
Your mother has dementia which means her brain is now permanently broken and that she'll only continue to get worse, so you and your siblings need to stop taking everything she says to heart and as fact.
Your mother can no longer control what she says and does, and if blocking her calls or just taking one call a week from her is what it takes for you to keep your sanity, then so be it. And when your mom starts complaining, just tell her that you'll call back another day when she is in a better mood, and then hang up.
Dementia sucks, and I'm sorry you're one of millions that are having to deal with a loved one with it.
But again...your saving grace is that you live many miles away, so count your blessings.