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I have been caring for my two sick parents for nearly five years. Mum has dementia and Dad is a cancer survivor with many other medical issues. I have several siblings (7); I am the middle child and none really helped so far, yet, call me all names under the sun, since, they yell via emails, mostly, that I am the worst person on earth when I dare to ask for anything... yet some of them havent even visited them for over 3 years, I think. Important to highlight, dad has no dementia but wont ask them (out of pride) and always come up with excuses as to why I am the only one running around trying to make things work despite my full time work which allows them to be comfortable at this stage of their life. Similarly to other caregivers, I am tired, stressed, and had to give up so many things starting this "role" at the age 36 to make sure both my parents are ok. I have been vocal about it to all my siblings, family friends and to dad. I hit a moral limit when I had to drive for an important medical appointment last year, 2 days, after having surgery despite telling my Dad that, on that occasion, he needs to ask on his many adult children to drive him... Earlier this year, my workplace was contemplating redudancies and I once yelled back at dad that I am always around I might loose my job... yet he wont ask the others... when I told him that I could not everything and he said all the others do work lol. Recently, dad lied to me about something not important to cover for one of my siblings and it has been a week that I stopped talking to him. I come and take care of my mum on wds and visit few times a week but I dont talk to him anymore. Both parents, were not very nice people growing up and now I am the punching ball when they are having a bad day. I keep telling myself that I do it for me and not for them. I refuse to put myself to their level and choose to look at caring as a form of rebellion against the toxicity I was raised up around. One thing I have been struggling with, though, is I observed my parents, siblings, family friends and also some of my close friends choosing to stay silent on the situation that is unfair even if they have known the whole family for my whole life. I try not to judge them but I find it incredible and at times. It messes up with my mental health how everyone around us won't adress the issue with my siblings not helping at all or even withness abusive behaviour from my father when I am obviously left to my own and doing this biiiig of a job! I would love to hear opinion from other caregivers!

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You are not crazy. From what you described, it may be toxic family dynamics and members who may see the problems and choose self preservation over helping and involvement. I’ve learned a lot about family enmeshment, emotionally immature parents and parents who never dealt with their childhood trauma who passed it on generation to generation. There is a scapegoat, the golden child, the peacekeeper, the one with lots of problems and never can be counted on. And there is the fixer and the overdoer and the self sacrificing one. You don’t want to be that one. You get stuck, and responsible for everything and then angry and resentful. It’s quite possible your parents never matured emotionally. They grew up and had kids but saw their kids as how they could help the parents. Not as free individuals who have their own lives to lead. . It’s very backward and often in very restricted families who were controlled by their parents and so on. It’s not healthy and healthy families don’t get it. It’s not about wealth. Poorer families can have emotionally mature parents who put their children first and are good enough parents. Read about emotionally immature parents, cptsd, family enmeshment and covert narcissism. Do what is best for you. Get support from therapist who understands and support group like aging care. Your family will likely not help or give support or worse, cause you more trauma. Move away. Get away from caregiving and let someone else pick up or lead. It doesn’t have to be you.
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thanks all again for the feedbacks. it is very lovely to read so many testimonies and see how many stories are similar in a way or in another.
I learned a lot already and wanted to share a recent situation where I used strong boundaries and it has been very helpful. Maybe it is just venting :
One sibling visited the parents - I did not know about the visit - which is fine.
He then decided that mum was unwell and to call an ambulance. (mom was fine she just has mood swings especially if she is not used to some people, and my sibling visits twice a year maybe and never really interestact with mom when he does so) .Once at the hospital he contacted me ( for the 1st time in months) demanding me to pick up mum from the hospital since he had to leave and catch a train...
I said no. I was at work and could not leave yet I shared 2 transports companies that I used in the past when I was stuck/ without a car and provided great services. Sibling refused and told me that if my job was more important than mum than I should stay at work and called me stupid.
I carried on with my day.
Mum came back home ( how ? I dont know). The sibling left without reaching back.
Later that day, the carer and the nurse called me to inform that my sibling was not picking up the phone and wanted to obtain some news about mum from me.
I told them to ask the sibling since he went to the hospital with mum and I was not there.
They were annoyed with my response but I found it strange that they did not contact me BEFORE interacting with my sibling despite them having my details.
Anyway, it felt great to say NO and gave me so much agency.
They found a way and I stayed at work and above all mum was fine just her normal dementia (:
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I Believe that it's sad but true that there are people that will help and care for other people and put themselves out just to make other people happy. And they will do this no matter what because they're good people right down to the core. And then there are the other people who will just look the other way, or pretend nothing is wrong, or just learn to take and take instead of give. And the majority of us on this forum are the people that will care and give and never take.
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Is it really to much to ask for brothers and sisters to actively take their turn in helping their parents like they looked after them or because one of their siblings has a more open heart to take advantage of that quality.
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I'm the 4th of 9 children and my siblings and I aren't close. I called my mom and visited from states away both before and after her serious hospitalization. My siblings seemed to call on holidays and rarely visited even those who lived in the same state. After she came to live with me, it was rare that anyone contacted me to see how she was doing...but they wouldn't be complaining or telling me what to do either. I would only tell them when our mom was in the hospital. So I guess I didn't see them differently.

My experience as a caregiver (my mom lived with me for the last 2.5 years of her life) had me cross paths with people I otherwise wouldn't have. I met many caring, compassionate people (hospital, rehab, home health, hospice) that helped me along this journey. Reminds you there are many kind, caring people in the world.
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Of course you get a different look at life, nobody has an instruction book that tells you how to do it! Many families have a falling out because of their lives are more important than the caregiver. I totally went through the "I'm expendable" because I was single. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and get them the help they need. It's difficult to admit defeat but it's necessary for you to survive. I'm barely on speaking terms with one brother,he is an @sshole! Yes, it's different and it's your choice to stay in this situation or leave it. This is too much work for one person,we all know it and felt better when we let the professionals take over. Your father is responsible for your mother and her care. Tell him and walk away. If you're on their will as POA, I'd find a way to get off as it gets harder when you have to take care of the finances and move them and sell the property,etc. You think it's bad now? TCB
Take care of yourself!
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I think that some day those siblings who aren't involved will pay a price. There is something to be said for helping an aging parent or sibling to navigate old age. My husband is in memory care and I consider it an honor and privilege to assist him on his journey. Our children have very busy lives raising their children and do not visit often. It saddens me because some day they will hopefully be old and not a good example for their children.
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Sorry about the duplicate! I got distracted by animals and forgot I has pushed post!
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My brother lives on the opposite coast so he handles my mother’s finances and I manage her health and personal care. when my brother did visit he often managed to complicate things even if unintentionally. My mother was in independent living two hours away from me and I was the one who hired caregivers, drove her to appointments and visited her at least weekly. When she reached the point where she needed still more care I found an excellent memory care facility for her near me. I am giving this brief history to answer your question about how caregiving has affected my view of humanity. Now that my mother is in a good facility I am able to see all the wonderful, caring staff members who I probably would never have crossed paths with otherwise! Their job isn’t high paying nor glamorous (definitely not glamorous!) but the care they are giving my mother has shown me that there are indeed people out there who do care about others and they treat the residents, no matter how they behave, with patience, love and respect. I have also seen many other family members who visit their loved, ones out of love and not just duty, on a regular basis. They do it for love even though some of the folks they visit may not remember who they are. It was only after I moved my mother to a memory care facility that I could feel like I was part of a community caring for my mother and not just the “boss” searching for and hiring people to help her, even though one of the caregivers was a long time friend of mine.
I still have to play an active role in my mothers care since I still make sure she doesn’t run out of personal supplies specific to her, I keep in touch with the health care providers and recently had to straighten out some insurance issues. And, of course, I do visit her as often as I can. The stress hasn’t totally disappeared but at least I have people to help and advise me when I need it. I can visit my mother any time and I can also leave at any time if she is starting to get on my nerves. Many people have suggested placing your parents in a care facility. I didn’t want to have to do it with my mother but I couldn’t meet her needs anymore. I am so glad that I did! If you can find a way to move them to the right facility it might help to restore your faith in humanity! I know that not everyone has had the experiences I have with facilities and finding the right one can be hard, but it is worth a try. She is happier there too!
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My brother lives on the opposite coast so he handles my mother’s finances and I manage her health and personal care. when my brother did visit he often managed to complicate things even if unintentionally. My mother was in independent living two hours away from me and I was the one who hired caregivers, drove her to appointments and visited her at least weekly. When she reached the point where she needed still more care I found an excellent memory care facility for her near me. I am giving this brief history to answer your question about how caregiving has affected my view of humanity. Now that my mother is in a good facility I am able to see all the wonderful, caring staff members who I probably would never have crossed paths with otherwise! Their job isn’t high paying nor glamorous (definitely not glamorous!) but the care they are giving my mother has shown me that there are indeed people out there who do care about others and they treat the residents, no matter how they behave, with patience, love and respect. I have also seen many other family members who visit their loved, ones out of love and not just duty, on a regular basis. They do it for love even though some of the folks they visit may not remember who they are. It was only after I moved my mother to a memory care facility that I could feel like I was part of a community caring for my mother and not just the “boss” searching for and hiring people to help her, even though one of the caregivers was a long time friend of mine.
I still have to play an active role in my mothers care since I still make sure she doesn’t run out of personal supplies specific to her, I keep in touch with the health care providers and recently had to straighten out some insurance issues. And, of course, I do visit her as often as I can. The stress hasn’t totally disappeared but at least I have people to help and advise me when I need it. I can visit my mother any time and I can also leave at any time if she is starting to get on my nerves. Many people have suggested placing your parents in a care facility. I didn’t want to have to do it with my mother but I couldn’t meet her needs anymore. I am so glad that I did! If you can find a way to move them to the right facility it might help to restore your faith in humanity! I know that not everyone has had the experiences I have with facilities and finding the right one can be hard, but it is worth a try. She is happier there too!
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You will get nowhere trying to get your siblings to help and getting your parents to ask them to help you. You need to get out of the situation. Let them know that you can no longer help and they need to either go to assisted living or hire help to come in. You are way to young to take on all of this. You will destroy your health, and yes, you will end up losing your job. The only thing you can do to fix this is to stop.
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I'm sorry to say, I'm not going to agree with your outlook.
YOU have put yourself in this position, willingly. You are disappointed in your siblings who have not taken your approach. We see this same complaint here SOOO often! I can't relate, as I don't have any siblings. But, I have learned from our other caregivers on this forum, that you can not expect your siblings, or anyone else, to jump in, as you have, and do everything for your parents.

You do not need to do everything for your parents.

They have other options. If you back off, They can ask their other children for help. If their other children won't step up, they can hire an aide to help with personal cares, a housekeeper to clean; some in-home aides will provide light housekeeping and light meal preparation. If they need more than this, they can enter an assisted living facility to get more care.

It is not your job to do everything for them. You need to decide your level of involvement, what you are willing and wanting to do. Then, set your boundaries and stick to them. Your parents are not going to respect you more or love you more for doing all of this. Your siblings are not going to respect you more for doing this. They will simply expect it from you, as you have shown you are willing to take it on.
Choosing caretaking as a form of rebellion against the toxicity you were raised with is Crazy Talk!
Your friends are staying silent because they can see you are being unrealistic and choosing this for yourself, while complaining about how unfair it is.
You are being unfair to yourself. And only you can change it.
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I understand you want others to commiserate with you as you keep repeating your question. I think it's obvious from their replies that many others have experienced the same thing and they are trying to help you. This sounds to me like your house is on fire and you keep asking the neighbors, "Do you feel hot too?" when they are screaming at you to get out of the house before it burns down!
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Tess, you ask "did it alter your view of how you see people when becoming a carer?" What many of the answers are suggesting it that it should alter your view of how you see YOURSELF.
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I agree with "Way to Misery's" response here. The ongoing experience of caring for my father for the past 6 years with no emotional support or actual help with tasks from my sister has shown me how selfish she is. I do the right thing and keep her informed about his condition and help him call her (he is almost blind now from age related macular degeneration) every week. From what I've seen in various forums here and from discussing this with others it is not uncommon for one well meaning sibling to end up handling everything with no support at all from the others. I'm grateful that my husband helps me with everything. Even after we moved him into assisted living there are still many things that need to be done and monitored. Ugh.
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"I have been vocal to my Dad yep millions of times and it ended in tears each times. I have been telling him I cant do it all."

"He wont adress it or respond when I ask him and lately I noticed he will just " hide " in his room when I would visit.."

"Dad refused to even talk about care home/ assisting living options for him and/ or my mum when I suggested it."

"dad has no dementia but wont ask them ( out of pride) and always come up with excuses as to why Iam the only one running around trying to make things work despite my full time work which allows them to be comfortable at this stage of their life"

"I have been vocal about it to all my siblings, family friends and to dad."

"the toxicity I was raised up around."

"withness abusive behaviour from my father "

Your father is an abuser. You are his enabler. Your siblings have all wisely decided to stay away from his toxicity. That is their choice. It has been your choice to remain within the toxicity. I hope this discussion has opened your eyes to the reality of the situation, and that instead of complaining to and about your siblings, you'll withdraw yourself from the situation. You deserve a life of your own, free from orbiting around them.
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Tess2026..
I read your message and I thought I would respond here as it might be meaningful for others.
You can't fix everything or everyone.
What you can do is set boundaries and decide what is important. Important to you. At some point taking care of yourself should come first. If you are not well mentally, emotionally, physically how can you help someone else?
Propping up people so they have a sense if independence does no one any good.
Don't try to do it all. That will lead to burnout, frustration and anger.
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thanks all for taking time to respond;
it provides me another angle and meanwhile I feel that I gradually detached and reduced help on many fronts it helps me to see that I really need to step even further back..
Already, taking 2 months aways yearly helped me to focus on me and question myself on how to better prioritize my own life regardless and caution myself against resentment / bitterness which poisoined me at the beginning 100% ( indeed there is an emergency button at my parents just in case which will call directly emergency services for example)
I dont regret one thing to be honest, neither that I wasted my time but juggling life and being a carer was a big task that I was not prepared for neither the behaviours of siblings and people nearby!

To respond to one of you: Dad refused to even talk about care home/ assisting living options for him and/ or my mum when I suggested it. I once had a social worker -working with the caring agency- involved about 3 years ago who recommended via email we ( all the adults kids) start looking at this option for the future and to plan for it.
My siblings remained silent on that point but threatened the social worker to sue them if they dont update them ALL on any updates since legally Iam not the legal guardian. The social worker decided to move on and leave it as it is.
I dont blame her or anyone I am just observing this pattern on how outsiders will only look on the other side and not call it out..(possibly rightly so but I am in the middle of it so Iam surprised that the big elephant in the room was not adressed)

I indeed stopped updating siblings after that episode and indeed it gave me more peace and less workload.
You all are right, only me can change the situation even more.
It definitely made me look at people / family/ family friends differently the whole caring situation!
thank you all and wishing you all the best x
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Stop informing your siblings of anything regarding appointments etc . They can ask your father if they want to know .
You don’t work for your siblings , you don’t owe them email updates or explanations . You do not have to share with them what you do in your own life either . Dad can call 911 when you are away . You don’t have to tell your siblings what you do .
I did that too and all it did was invite criticism, so I stopped until parents were near death .
I was chosen by my mother to care for my parents and siblings treated me like a servant , so I stopped communicating with them .
If they don’t help they don’t get a say .
You can’t make them help and they can’t tell you what to do either.
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I was an only child and had nobody but my husband to help me with 2 aging parents. So I made the decision long long ago to do no hands on caregiving at all and insist they move into Assisted Living when the time came. Dad lived to 91 and mom to 95. I still did a ton for them, and the family rarely came to visit and never helped, but it preserved MY sanity to have them cared for by others.

Why are you doing this to yourself? What other options exist for care for your parents? If you consider yourself the "only" option, then bitterness and resentment for others is likely to eat you up.
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thanks for the response. I hear you!
I have been vocal to my Dad yep millions of times and it ended in tears each times. I have been telling him I cant do it all.
After 1 year and realizing I became a carer, I stopped asking them, then hired people, visited less spent less, or simply as of now just not talk to him.
A couple of times in the past I just could not take them to medicals and asked him to ask his kids since I realized after a whole year of becoming an 'accidental carer' lol that he should ask himself . (I used to send monthly updated medical appointments to all children and inform my dad too and leave a copy on the fridge) .he did not ask anyone and both appointments needed to be rescheduled or we had to search a new specialist miles away for the specific issue.
He wont adress it or respond when I ask him and lately I noticed he will just " hide " in his room when I would visit..
I tried it all I think and got support via therapy etc
I do go away twice a year for approx. 1 whole month and leave them at it with a summary / list of numbers if needed and usually when I come back I have to do the back log and always ask my dad why did he not ask x if they were around and it now became urgent and I was away for 4 weeks....no response.
I once received an email from a sibling saying I did not buy groceries before leaving and I had to make sure to go buy groceries once a week lol but I guess she managed to find her way to the supermarket in front of the house to buy groceries..
My question was more along the lines : did it alter your view of how you see people when becoming a carer?
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You are making poor choice after poor choice and then insisting the whole world acknowledge that you’re a saint and a victim. This isn’t about your parents, siblings, or friends. This is about the things you keep choosing to do. You did not “have to” drive your dad to an appointment right after you had surgery. You chose to do it and now you’re choosing to complain about it. In an emergency your parents can call 911. Anything less than an emergency they will figure out for themselves if you stop with the unappreciated victim act and just stop doing all this.
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Yes , the experience showed me who my siblings really are .
It’s not uncommon for families to break up like mine did when parents needed help . It’s also not uncommon for siblings to completely go separate ways after parents die .
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Thanks for the response!
The story is very long lol.
Never been close to mu parents but my siblings were.. I found myself as a carer by " accident". I took one parent to the hospital for an.emergency and informed the others who then complitely shut down lol
i asked but they responded they were busy which is fine.
Yet they spent a lot of time saying that Iam doing a terrible job and putting the health of their parents in jeopardy. I offered them to step in big silence. I heard it and hired help after 1 year on this journey.
Both parents have help except on wds and for medical stuff mainly and general logistics.
I probably did not explain enough. Many family members / folks around us tend to micro-critise or ask me constantly were are my siblings but I dont have an answer
My question was more along the line did you find yourself looking at others differently.
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I was one of 5 siblings . None of the siblings helped . I didn’t ask for help . You can not force them or guilt them into helping . BUT, you also do not have to put up with criticisms either by these relatives. So long as you don’t ask anything of them , they will have no excuse to give you a hard time . People who aren’t helping need to “ put up or shut up . “.

That being said , I think some therapy for yourself is needed regarding this unhealthy need to prove something despite or because of your childhood .
A therapist can help you figure out healthy ways to deal with your past and current situation .

You also need boundaries with your parents . You can say you can’t do something and NOT do it . Dad will have to come up with another plan.

If you continue to keep up this as is , people will remain silent . Only you can change how you deal with your parents .
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There is nothing to be gained by becoming a martyr. I recall that the Romans not only condemned people to die, they enjoyed the sport of watching it happen. Some families are like that. But you rebel - good for you! The problem is that your rebellion is mental; caring for the parents is a form of it. You think caring is a battle against the toxicity you were raised with? How? And you try not to judge? Why? Which is causing you mental problems. Ye gods. Ye merciful gods. Please help this person who agrees to be the punching ball and worse.

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation with your family. The mental gyrations that you have gone through in order to keep this up are way beyond me. For the first time in years of being on this forum, I give up and have no helpful advice to offer. You'd have to work your way out of the prison you've put yourself in, and I'm not sure you'd want to give up the beliefs that sustain you.

I wish you peace, and again, I'm so sorry your situation has become what it is.
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You have made the choice to care for your parents while the rest of your siblings knew better not to and now you're mad at them for not helping you when you're the one who made the decision to begin with. Do you see how unfair to your siblings that is? They were the smart ones to stay away from caring for your parents, while you perhaps were the foolish one who stepped up. And why would they step up when you've chosen to do it all yourself?
You are the one who decided to be the martyr in this situation, despite it affecting your physical and mental health, so instead of being mad at your siblings why not be mad at yourself and decide to make yourself a priority and step away from this situation. If your parents are needing help they'll have to hire folks to come look after them and take them to their appointments with their own money of course so you can get back to living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
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."Both parents were not nice people growing up and to this day I am the punching ball when they are having a bad day." This, quite simply and adequately, explains why the others won't help. Why should they? Why do you? Stop being a martyr. The reason why they are silent is because they feel, accurately, that you are throwing away your life on this toxic situation just out of rebellion, and if they try to talk some sense to you, you just rebel more.

Who are you trying in vain to prove yourself to? Just walk away, and reclaim your life. You can't get back the five years in which you "had to give up so many things," but you don't have to continue giving them up. Please realize that you deserve happiness and peace, not this kind of abuse from your dad or anyone else.
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Have you been vocal to your dad?
If you are able to "do it all" then why would he have to ask others for help.
And if you are able to do it all why do your siblings have to help out?
Just playing the devils advocate here.
Maybe if you back off the help that you are giving and make yourself a little less available your dad would then have to ask your siblings for help.

Maybe tell your dad that starting Feb you are going to have to back off some of the help you are giving him/them. Tell them that your work schedule has increased and that you also have doctor appointments yourself that need to be taken care of.

YOU stop asking siblings to pitch in.

If there are other things around the house that need to be done then either they won't get done or someone else can do them. Either a sibling or dad pays someone to deliver groceries, plow the drive and shovel the walk.
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