Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?

I am a private caregiver and know there are a few on this site.... It would be a good idea... I have another lady here who is private also and we email.... I am always concerned how we might sound to others who never get a break, are struggling financially , and have no help at all... it would be great if we had a site dedicated to paid caregivers..... something for us to think about maybe.... But I do understand the need to have someone who understands, to talk to... I have been on this site many years.... paid caregivers were not readily accepted back then.... but I came on and said I had as much right as any one else to have a place to go..... but I have learned that what others share, and my sharing the same thing, is interpreted differently..... so I don't usually share too much of what is really going on with me...

Let's see how many respond to this and who is interested.... we might be able to figure something out to have our own support group...... sharing info to help us do our jobs better, and to have a place to come and vent our own frustrations.

If this doesn't take root, maybe we can exchange email addys.... let me know... thanks for the great suggestion....

Thanks for responding, was hoping I'd get positive feed back. It's just as hard for us when we get emotionally connected with our clients. I feel we feel a lot of the feelings family caregivers feel, but not as accepted cause we go home everyday. But let's see where this goes! Advice, support, venting! Even us need support!

As a care giver to a family member I think I would find Y'alls point of view interesting. I bet a lot of us would gain insight as to what we take too personally, and what is just natural behavior from the disease.Try it. I'll visit. I am even considering continuing care giving ,as a profession, when Mom no longer needs me.

Yes we do.... I have lost two clients this past year... I am up to my neck in grief and thank God I have caregiver friends that we all email.... or I would burst into flames on some days.... families do not understand the very fine line we walk everyday.... the mixed messages we receive... the blame and having to watch another family's dynamics, that sometimes trigger our own lives..... I love what I do..... or I wouldn't be doing it.... but other than in emails, I really don't feel that most, besides another private caregiver, really understands how attached we get to our folks.....that we are very invested.... and that some days we have to wear many 'hats' and try to remain professional..... extra stress that they don't understand.... not taking one thing from the hundreds and hundreds on this site that have no help at all..... and no money for some respite..... don't know about you... but I have thought if I ever had enough money, I would travel around and give some of these awesome people some respite... for free.....but I am struggling in many ways as they are..... but my heart is with them always..... so, like we said, lets see where this goes.... we may have to start our own site, because I have been here a long time, I have great friends here, and would never want to hurt them by saying things they might not take the right way..... guess if it's meant to be, we will find a way.....

Wow Boni, how awesome your response is.... and yes, we do see things a little more different that family.... and approach things differently..... we'll see if any other family members would be interested in learning how the private caregiver feels...

It would be great to perceived more human than a trained robot.... guess my concern would be if we were shamed or made to feel bad for feeling what all of you feel.... I wouldn't be ok with that.....

But thank you for sharing and hope we hear from other family caregivers also...

PC123 has a wonderful idea.... it would be awesome for those of us in private care to have a safe place to go... we could be so much more effective as we would be learning from other private caregivers how to handle situations, learn more about the hands on care, the medical side, which many of us also know.....

So thanks again Boni..... who knows.....

In my experience we come to love our patients. I know when I come home, I sit and worry if everything is ok. I know personally I worry as if she was my own family. I care for a bed ridden MS patient, she goes through so many emotions, pain and guilt. This week she was great! Alert, eating but nauseous and in some pain. Week before was incoherent. I know everyone in the family is on a different page. More meds, less meds!!!! But I do everything to keep her pacified. She feels she's a burden, but I let her know everyday no she's not and I get that smile! Any advice on activities for her, she also can't see. She gets bored a lot, and we talk, but I want to be more engaging.

If it doesn't upset her to talk about her past.... get her to tell you her favorite stories.... did she travel, what were her hobbies..... the gentleman I care for has dementia, but he has traveled the world... he loves to tell me about things he did while he did that.... and laugh, we laugh a lot.....

Are you able to do any 'hands on' massaging when she is hurting??? Just the human touch can bring some solace to the person we are caring for... put lotion on her hands. Paint her nails..... Try and get her to tell you what she would imagine the perfect 'get away' would be... of course it depends on whether or not these things only make her feel more sad...... but let her know you and her can have any world you choose when you are together..... you sound like an awesome caregiver, trying to find other ways to help her, to help her be happy more..... that's what we do.... use our imagination...... hope others come on and give suggestions too....sending you lots of hugs...

She traveled a lot and we talk about that all the time, she lived in different states and countries. Today the morning caregiver got her all dolled up, she was having visitors. Wig, make up, dressy clothes (she's usually in a night gown) she loved it! Her attitude was "flirty" lol, she was concerned about looking fake, I told her no, she looks beautiful! And not to worry about that. I think we should do it more often! She didn't even want her meds cause she wanted to be alert and awake. She said she was in no pain, and we don't force meds unless necessary. It made a world of difference for her! She has been talking about wanting her legs massaged and motioned up, so that's a good idea. She also likes to know about my life, so I could talk more about that. Thanks for the advice, I see now she likes the "beauty treatment" definitely gonna work with that for sure! :)

Heyas, folks. Another 'paid' caregiver, here. Live-in. Happen to be on one of my days off. And thank the heavens for that.

Honestly, I still think of the family caregivers as superhuman for being capable and willing to do this full-time. It's literally a killer job.

Yes, as non-family, independent caregivers, we have some different issues. And, I think a thread dedicated to it might add to the site's overall benefits. I'd want to set some guidelines, though:

- The primary focus would be on issues specific to non-family caregivers (whether paid or not)
- Everyone is welcome to comment (no exclusions based on relationship to the caree)
- No Flaming. This doesn't mean we can't express our own opinions, but it does mean that people consider each other to have real hearts and hands and heads behind the keyboard and to treat each other as we'd prefer to be treated: with respect and kindness ... even when they don't seem to deserve it. Maybe more so, then.
-And, at the outset, I'd feel the need to acknowledge that this site was specifically designed for family members and the issues that go along with caring for a family member, and the unique issues that creates. I realize that the site has actually mutated over the years to include all kinds of family members aside from parents, includes more than the elderly, and has opened its arms to non family members. That we've been welcomed into the arms of this magnificent 'family' is a great blessing to me and I don't care to lose that support.

With all that said, I'd support a thread dedicated to non-family caregivers. Yep. I would.

LadeeC

For our client, we incorporate all kinds of things throughout the day. She needs Physical, Occupational and Speech therapy, so we make sure that her activities (just the motions of going through the day) are a form of some kind of therapy. She gets someone a couple of times a week who comes over and gives her PT and OT, but that's concentrated and focused. What we do, we try to make as innocuous as possible. I don't like the idea that every hour is some kind of 'work' .. ugh. Not good for her, and not good for us.

Examples:
- When she has to get up for potty, we dance
- when she's prepping for a meal, I make it a stretch .. put the tray almost out of reach to get her to work on her balance and stretching
- When she's dressing, I practice letting her DO as much of it as possible, starting with a set of directions that challenge her mind with process and order. "Put this sleeve on that arm, this one, there. Then pull it over your head." And back out of her line of vision to 'supervise'

Every day has some kind of creative something: coloring (she loves it), jigsaw puzzles, pointing out things she wants in a catalog; cutting my hair (yep, I let her and she's pretty darn good at it .. at least the ends, lol). She folds the wash cloths (used to be almost all the laundry, but, meh .. her stamina and strength don't hold up to it, these days). On a good day, she can push the vacuum, from her wheelchair. These last things are things she MISSES doing. She loves to play in the dirt, so we got her those starter planter kits. She decorates with us during holidays: dipping eggs, making bows, hehe .. she's great a giving direction, so we let her. (And when stuff it's neat or tidy or whatever .. after she's gone to bed we fix it up and the next day, she's all ".. Pretty!! .. "

I bounce the exercise ball at her and have her kick or push it back; before she gets out of bed or her chair, I have her toss all the pillows at me (she's a darn good shot with her left hand, considering she's naturally right-handed).

All kinds of things. These are just a few ideas that I hope stimulate a few more for your specific circumstances.

Well said LadeeC this is a thread for advice, experiences and what not. Just a place to go to share experiences, get support, and just talk to other caregivers. I get this site is designed for family caregivers, and I respect that. Just wanted a thread going for us non-family caregivers to reach out and support one another. Very clean, respectful and helpful. I agree, everyone can post even family caregivers have offered great advice! I got my start as a family caregiver, so I know how hard it is. Let's just share stories, advice, thoughts.

You sound like caring providers and this is so amazing.

A little backstory.... I am currently caregiving for a family... C has general age related issues, Gene has dementia caused from undiagnosed hydrocephalus and their youngest son who passed away last month from brain cancer.... It is so hard to go into that house and know that Stu is gone... I miss him so much... and am in some serious grief..... just letting others know that just because we are PAID , does not hinder our love for others.... I became very close to Stu and we talked a lot... things he didn't feel comfortable talking to the family about..so as his life on this earth grew closer to an end.... I knew his deepest thoughts, fears and joys.... I am so blessed to have been a part of his life.... but I am finding it very hard to go into that house and keep it together.. I do, C is a very difficult woman, period.... but Gene is my saving Grace... I love that man too... and him and I use a lot of humor.... he told me recently he loves me because we laugh together.....He has aphasia, so it is hard to understand him unless you have been around him for awhile....

It feels good to have a place to come to and talk about missing someone we have given our heart to, them not being family, and it hurts just the same.....

So, hope this thread grows... I know there are other paid caregivers on this site.... it's ok for the families to know how we really feel about things.... some will learn from our posting here.... and it will put another light on paid caregiving and what to look for when families are wanting to hire someone for their loved one......

Thanks for letting me put my sadness here.... this one I can not carry alone.... sending hugs to everyone..

LadeeC, Family is in the heart, not the genes. Any time I meet a paid caregiver I always tell them that I think God made some people extra special, to be able to do what you do. God gave Ya'll an extra dose of love, patience, compassion and selflessness. God bless you all.
When I just wrote " Family is in the heart, not the genes" I decided I want to share something off topic with my AC friends. I lost another son last month.
I did not conceive, nor birth him, but he was my son. I met him shorty after my oldest sons death. His Mom, a severe drug addict, dropped him off one night. He was an acquaintance of my youngest son, at the time, and they( Him, Mom, and little sister) had been kicked out of where they were staying, and I gladly took him in for the night, so he could go to school the next day. He and my son became friends, then true brothers, as he lived with us on and off(mostly on) for 10 years. I also took his sister in a few years later, when their Mom was going through an extra bad time. His and his sisters children are my grand children now. I love them all as family, and non of us share genes.
36 days ago, he took his own life. He left a wife and a 3 year old boy behind. We are all heartbroken.
You don't have to "love " your biological family. But those you truly love are nothing less then family
Again....GOD BLESS all of you who have chosen, or been chosen, to do what you do. I respect you all, more than you will ever know.

Dangit! I got ladee C and LadeeM confused again! Love you both!

Hello to everyone on this threads!! My name is Sue(Japanese) and independent caregiver.
I have been reading and posting(not as often I want to post but my English writing is terrible so forgive me...)
I started this AC site since 2010,currently working for a very sweet lady 90 since March 2012. She is living home by herself has COPD. So far I could not complain anything about my work. I stayed with her full 4 days a week the rest of 3 days are another wonderful caregiver, I'm very pleased!!(happy caregiver, It's me)
Before I took this position I was working another client 76(F) had a stroke and Diabetic plus incontinence whom I really like her, but her adult kids(2 sons and 2 daughters). Specially two daughters are both alcoholic... each holiday I was there they did physical fight front of their Mother!!! I could call police on them... Anyway one of daughter told me a day before she is plan to have the surgery said "Mom is going to have a surgery so she doesn't need caregiver for a week or 10 days" I was with her each time when she was in hospital...
My point is "if you have a good relationship with family members we are the private caregivers would do anything for our clients keep safe and happy"
Oh one more story I was caregiver of Doctor for 16 years whom had MS, he passed 2008.... but I still has good friendship with his family!!! Love you all, Sue

Linda,Happy Halloween !!

Happy Halloween Sue... happy to see you here... we don't care how good or bad your English is.... we'll know what you mean and what you are talking about..... I am happy that you are happy.... and you are right, even if they are in the hospital, we are there too..... hope we see you here again.... sending you hugs tonight...

Boni, I appreciate so much you sharing about your 'son'..... it really helped me to be more ok with missing Stu so much... and I am so sorry for the loss of this young man.... I know your heart is broken..... but you were there for him ..... and we don't know why it got too big for him on this side..... loss is loss, regardless of the circumstances....

And we appreciate that you look at us as humans... many see us as robots that just come in and work, and I can only speak for myself here, I feel the reason that it appears we have more patients is because we do not have the history family does with their loved one.... and we can be more objective about most things....we are not looking at things with as many emotions tied into the caregiving.... but we are not always patient..... tonight, Gene was giving me a hard time trying to transfer him from his chair to his bed.... I could feel myself getting so uptight because he has started doing this stiff body thing and won't move his feet..... I sat him back in his chair and went outside for a few minutes...regrouped, went back in and went thru the whole thing again about he had to help me.... went smooth that time.....

We wear many hats in our jobs.... and I usually can bond with at least one family member.... but that is the part of my job I do not like.... having to deal with families...... I feel like a politician sometimes.... talking out both sides of my mouth.... not being honest, having to be PC..... keeping my mouth shut.... I gettired of always having to find the right way to approach certain topics or even certain family members.....that part of my job makes me more anxious and tired than all the lifting, poop and puke cleaning.....repeating myself about the same things everyday..... none of that put together makes me as tired as dealing with families that won't listen..... but I have a tight reign on myself.... I am constantly monitoring myself and how I approach family... I do have to set boundaries with some of them..... and it always causes tension..... but I have to pretend it doesn't..... put my happy face on and go about my business..... I am very passionate about elder care.... and so many things are preventable if only families would consider, maybe, just maybe, we know what we are doing and what we are talking about......but we see many things that go on that puts us in awkward positions sometimes.....

I was thinking about you today... and was hoping you would come here and participate..... I feel safer now sharing, knowing that at least some care how the paid caregivers feel.....

Again, I am sorry for your loss.... but am thanking you also for letting me know I am not alone in my grief for Stu..... we are on this journey.... and we are not alone..... sending you many hugs this evening..... know that I am thinking about you.....

When I first started with Edna, the family members said, "be a part of us, join our family." At that point in my life, I'd been having more than enough problems with my *own* real family and friends, that I declined, just based on my own emotional needs. As it turned out, it was a WISE decision. My role with her, aside from the day-to-day caregiving is as Edna's advocate. It's NOT to get into family dynamics. I drew a line in the sand about certain things: I will NOT discuss anything to do with family assets. I won't get in the middle of the family dynamics (extremely dysfunctional; but then I'm not sure I've met a family that wasn't dysfunctional at some level, like mine). In this case, the good news is, they all concur about Mom's care. Thank heavens. I choose NOT to bond with the family, except to allow them to SEE my level of caring .. when things start getting scary, I let them see the tears, I don't pretend to be an unflappable, stalwart pillar of strength. They know I can manage (and do), but I also need them to see that I CARE. I tend to be politic, naturally, so I don't find that much of a challenge, to be honest. My greatest challenge is with the health professionals. *rolls eyes* .. but that's another topic.

*hugs to all*
LadeeC

LadeeC, then give me some tips on how to be 'heard'.... I, like you, do not participate in any money issues, as they all try to make me feel bad for asking for a raise....I, of course, hear and see the family dynamics, but do not get involved there either... and they have seen me cry... about Stu...

Do you think some of it is geographical...??? I do live in the South... most people are more laid back and less likely to keep the dysfunction from prying eyes and ears..."let it all hang out" surely originated from the South!!! lol

I think what I am asking is..... do you give verbal queues, body language, or simply say what's on your mind..... but I will sense who is going to be forthcoming and who will advocate for ME.... I feel I am having trouble here, making myself clear about what my need is.... deep sigh.... maybe this is why I have so much trouble.... lol.....

I am very clear that I take my own 'dynamics' in the door when I start working for someone..... and like you, I stay away from my own family....I apparently don't know where my 'stop' button is until I am too stressed to be professional, then I don't say anything because it's going to come out angry and defensive..... then I wait until an opportunity presents itself and then set a boundary.

Ewwwww, I am feeling very vulnerable right now..... but I have to cut my stress level....any suggestions will help...... keep in mind I'm from the South.... everything is played different down here..... People just 'assume' you are family if your car is in the driveway.... lol

How is Edna doing? Hope she gets stronger and gets to go home....sending you hugs of gratitude.... and ya, folks, what are the odds there would be two Ladee's that are paid caregivers..... it's a blessing for me, confusing to others.... hugs to everyone....

LadeeM.. I'm not sure if it's just me and my personality, to be honest. While I'm really a cuddly kitten on the inside, what most people see on the outside is more like the dominant alleycat. I also tend to come across as self-assured, wise and common sensical, because I Believe it to be true. So, maybe it's really about self confidence and being willing to show it. I'm also entirely willing to be wrong, and let people know that, too. I also set pretty stringent guidelines right at the beginning, and when necessary (for my own well being, as well as my client's) re-establish boundaries. Basically, along the lines .. "My job, my role is as your mom's advocate and to make her as comfortable and maintain or improve her health to the best of my ability. I can't do that if you second guess me all the time. I will always be accountable to you, of course, but if you can't trust me to have her best interests at heart, we won't be able to work together. I'm not a servant or employee, in the traditional sense: she is my client, my primary responsibility. If that doesn't work for you, perhaps someone else would better suit the situation."

I don't think there's any reason to be shy about it. There are so many in need out there who DO appreciate my approach. Regional differences aside, YOU have to determine what's good for you, what's going to keep you physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy enough to to the work for as long as you want.

There isn't anything 'normal' about the kind of work we do. We have to be twice as trustworthy to be trusted at all. We have to be educated and trained (by whatever means) about nutrition, various therapies (physical, speech, occupational, behavioral, etc), knowledgable about general and senior health .. we're not doctors or nurses or other professionals, but need to be at least as current in specific areas of our client's health. What I don't know, I will learn. So I expect to be treated with the respect I deserve. I'm not just an adult babysitter. For me, the key is .. I have to be willing to walk away. If I don't have the full support of the family, I can't do what I do best, which is make the last years of this person the very best they can be.

Thanks LadeeC.... so much of what you said resonated with me.... some things went down at work last night that will determine whether I stay or not....My 'loyalty' is mistaken for weakness sometimes.....

I was told last night to 'set boundaries' with C.... I just laughed.... my response was , 'she is in her 80's, we have had this conversation before, if she doesn't know how to treat people by now... me setting boundaries is simply more work for ME...... '

I am very clear that this woman is not going to change... and I wish I had a force field around me so that she didn't cause my blood pressure to go thru the roof....for Gene's sake........so, who knows how this is going to turn out.....

I am getting too old for this stuff.... what I want to do is tell C to shut up and set down..... wouldn't look to good on my references now would it.... lol...

I appreciate that I finally have a place to come and talk about how I REALLY feel....

love and hugs to all of you....

I need the input of private caregivers on this board. We have a private caregiver for our father, I moved back home to care for my father. I have 3 children. It seems as if our caregiver wants to run to show. She doesnt want to be told anything to do. This makes me afraid to give her any instructions whatsoever. I did not hire her, my siblings did so if I say anything or anything happens that she doesnt like she threatens to quit. I can hear her talking about us on the phone..etc. Another thing is that she and the weekend HHA take it upon themselves to throw things away..rearrange the kitchen etc. and it drives me crazy and I think its very disrespectful. I dont think its their place to do so. If I didnt live here it would be one thing, but for them to come in and take over is not right. They may like their own kitchens a certain way, but this is our home and its not like we leave the kitchen messy or dirty. I clean it up every day. To me its an insult for them to come in and rearrange and throw things away after Ive spent my morning cleaning up. I know if I say something then they wont do anything at all...so your input is welcome. Perhaps Im seeing it the wrong way.

Oh and our HHAs are not live in. They work during my work hours.

Anyone here who is a private caregiver and does their job from a space of genuine love...I give a million hugs to...you are amazing, amazing, amazing people...I would not have a life without you...and if I were a millionaire I would develop a center-resort-respite place just for you....thank you, thank you, thank you

Hi, toomuch I'm just guessing about you and your hired caregivers... but sound like what I'm hearing from you at your post that those caregivers rearrange your kitchen or toss things out without asking you.... tell us that what they are disposing???? Do you have a list written down for what HHA to do and don't? well if they are from agency you or your family has it... They are not for hired to be as a Housekeeper( a very limited housekeeping).... Focus on your Father's ADL!

My suggestion's would be have a little Paw wow with you and your siblings so they could talk to agency...or before you go to work just leave a little nice note for aide " thank you so much but no thank you"......My experience with HHA was very bad one... my client(M)'s family hired male HHA when I was off for 48 hrs, one day I have to come back to client home, this HHA was making out with woman... I fired him right there on spot!!! I was not concern about agency at all...That time I was worrying about my bed ridden client! You are living your father's home and you have a right to say things respectfully. Hope you are not hearing complains from your Farter about aide.... sometimes when you feel threat from aide you might check with your Dad..... he afraid and might not to say anything to anyone....Good Luck with aide... Sue

Thanks, Quechua .. that's a lovely sentiment. Let me know when you win the lottery, will ya? *grins*

TooMuch .. I'm going to say to you what I say to my 'families' .. we each have to be willing to set boundaries and know when to let go. My role as caregiver is to .. duh .. give care to my client. It's NOT to rule your household, or take over your (your parent's) home. It's THEIR home. There are times when things are not safe in the environment and I might shuffle them around. I might make some strong suggestions or recommendations for the benefit of caring, like: better seating, bed, equipment, supplies, etc. IF those things aren't provided, I can't give the best care your parent deserves, so I hope you'll hear me. If you don't, and I think it's not in the best interest of my client === remember, the elderly is my client .. first and foremost .. if I think the family is going to stand in the way of doing that, I'll walk. It's as easy as that. And I think the family has to be just as willing to let go and find the right person. We're out there. I might not be your perfect match, but someone is.

However, if the caregiver is just making power plays, shame, shame on them. If they're playing games to get away with whatever they can get away with, then it's time to say goodbye. It IS your right to set boundaries, as well .. especially when you're also living there.

*laughing* You can always ask them if they're willing to help pay the rent if they're so keen on making YOUR home, their own.

Personally, I would NOT be very accepting of someone besides someone who knows *far* more than I do about caregiving to tell me how to do my job. FYI .. I'm always seeking more information, from the PTs, the RNs, the Drs .. I can always learn something new. But, if you just want to play boss .. meh .. I'd probably walk. Not because of pride. I'm very secure in myself, I don't play games with anyone, I'm so responsible, it's almost ridiculous. And I'd bet there are more like me than not, out there, doing this 'work'. Truth be told, it's not just a job with me, and it's not with the other best caregivers. It's a calling.

Bottom line .. don't let the threat of them leaving scare you off from defending your position. Frankly, ALL jobs are renegotiable, at any time. But be prepared to take over until you can find a suitable replacement. That's the cost of standing your ground.

This quote.....
My job, my role is as your mom's advocate and to make her as comfortable and maintain or improve her health to the best of my ability. I can't do that if you second guess me all the time. I will always be accountable to you, of course, but if you can't trust me to have her best interests at heart, we won't be able to work together. I'm not a servant or employee, in the traditional sense: she is my client, my primary responsibility. If that doesn't work for you, perhaps someone else would better suit the situation."

Is what I would like to say, with a few words changed, to my SISTERS, who do NOT pay me! Bravo!

Seeing differences .....but mostly seeing similarities, in paid and family caregivers.
I get, room, board, cigarettes, (very expensive here), toiletries, gift money for my grandchildren for birthdays and Christmas, beautiful places to go when I get a chance for respite (not often), and respect. From my BROTHERS! If I worked for my sisters, instead of Mom, I would have quit a LONG time ago.

Too much4me, as a caregiver I respect my client and her families wishes as too my position in their home. You have every right to let her know what you don't want her to do. When I was hired I was told how they wanted stuff done, Not offended at all. They are set in their ways. Speak to her about how you feel, if she gets offensive, well not to be mean, but maybe find another caregiver. Some caregivers may feel they know best. But it's not up to us. A caregiver has to honor their clients and families wishes and boundaries. Whether we agree or not... Good luck in your situation.

Toomuchforme.... absolutely address this with the caregivers... if you feel there will be no cooperation then let them go... but as was said, be prepared to do the work until you find someone else... or find someone first, then let them go.... you do not owe them an explanation.....

I always respect my families homes... it is not my home... if I want to straighten something, say for instance ,the linen closet , I ask first.... my primary job is caregiving, but when Gene is napping or reading.... I would rather be busy, but I would never do something without asking first.....

You are saying they have come in and taken over... are you saying no matter what you say, it is overridden by them? No matter how you say you want the care done, it is ignored? If this is the case, then these ladies are not CAREGIVERS.... not sure what to label them... but I would not allow someone to care for my loved one with the attitude you are describing....

There is a very fine line between caring for someone the way family wants it done, and the way the caregiver may want to do it..... if there is no problem with the outcome, I compromise.... but if I have a more effective way, I try to suggest it..... if I am met with resistance... then doing it their way is no problem, as long as the end result is what is desired by all..... if it is detrimental to my charge, then I do it my way.... especially after we have had conversation about it....

It's a shame to me that these situations turn into power struggles... which tells me right off the bat something is not right with these caregivers.....

I wish you well.... and have the courage to stand your ground.... it's your fathers welfare we are talking about here...it is YOUR home....and please come back and let us know how this turns out.......just because someone is a caregiver, does not mean they are a fit for the family...... sending you hugs.... the added stress of having someone you don't trust in your home is harder on you.....