Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?

*now to finish my post*............ and I am calmer, not as exhausted mentally, and not dreading going to work.... all things take time... change takes time... and if I can't make positive changes then what is the point.....

So, my only day off and I'm hitting the back roads today.... I love to 'rock hunt'.... it is harmless, no violence involved....peaceful out in nature.... and I get to bring the great finds home with me..... I call it 'going to church'..... best therapy in the world besides laughter....

Love all of you and appreciate that I don't feel so alone anymore.....


CHEERS.... the name of the sitcom was CHEERS, how appropriate if we think about it.....

Im enjoying reading the stories from compassionate caregivers. I apologize in advance if my questions bring down the mood but I do need to know from paid caregivers what I should expect. Our HHA is lovely in many ways, but there is part of me that feels she takes advantage. For instance she is scheduled to work for a certain amount of time, she will leave a half hour early without even asking. She does her own personal errands and work, and even brings her child to work without asking permission. If these issues are addressed, she makes a scene. Today she brought her child to work, its Saturday. I would like to have peace and quiet, This is why we requested that the HHA come in a bit later on weekends. Im livid that she brought her young child to work today.

toomuch, she IS taking advantage... start looking for a new HHA now..... we do not go into homes to take care of elders to also be having to keep an eye on a kid..... that is a NO NO NO....... how can she be present for your family member if she has her child with her....

And I look at not staying your whole shift and still getting paid as , stealing..... I wouldn't even bother trying to talk to her... if she thinks it's ok to 'get upset' when you try to call attention to your concerns.... then she has way too much power in your home.... it is YOUR home.... so... find someone else..... good luck with this and let us know what happens.... and you can't bring down our mood... we are used to swinging by our tails from one situation to the next..... we're flexible like that.... lol

Ladee you seem like a great,caring care giver. I feel like our caregiver goes which ever way the wind blows. Meaning whoever agrees with her is who she likes for the moment. For instance my father doesnt have anything to do all day so he doesnt mind if she brings her son. If I say anything she will say, "Well your father said it was okay.." The basement is my only escape..she comes into the basement and brings her own laundry to do...and says well your father said I could do it...My father fawns over her and her child, and pays no attention to his own grandchildren. ,,tells her what a great mother she is while treating his grandchildren as if they are going to steal from him. Im sorry for venting but this is not what I signed up for.

You can't change your Dad's attitude but you can set bounderies..
If she comes into the basement uninvited tell her to get out and take her laundry with her.
Is it your home or Dads. Who pays the bills? is he mentally competent? Why does he need a caregiver. Vent away no one minds and it gets it off your chest

I moved back home with Dad to help with his care. Its his home, she knows that so when its convenient its "your father said its okay" when shes going to leave early she tells me shes leaving instead letting my sibling who hired her know so that her pay can be adjusted. My sibling that lives out of town hired her. I had nothing to do with it and I certainly could not fire her. I made it clear from the beginning that she was only allowed to do laundry on Friday afternoons. From the moment I made the rule, she has not followed it, from the first week !!! As soon as I went out on an errand, she was in the basement doing laundry. When I reminded her of when I said she could do laundry (for Dad) she starts yelling that she doesnt feel comfortable ....I work from home. I cannot have background noise. I certainly cannot have it sounding ike a laundromat in the background with a washer and dryer going. I work a few hours every weekend as well. She is also very loud on the phone with her friends during the day.
Today which is a day I value quiet, she has brought along her child and my father expects my children to entertain her child. Not to mention, she is also doing her own laundry. She also watches to see my reaction so she can start yelling and carrying on.
My father needs a caregiver because he is prone to falls. He is not able to cook or clean for himself. So she does those things during my work hours. Once she comes through the door, its like she rules the roost. If Im in the kitchen, she makes sure she is in there doing something as well rather than sitting down waiting for me to be done. She seems to be the type of person who likes conflict and wants someone to confront her so she can fight with them.

This is the 'other' Ladee ..

That HHA is so far off the mark, I want to personally come and throttle her. Even in my position, where I live with my client, I keep very separate boundaries. I do MY laundry only when it's not being used to clean her stuff, I use my own products. While part of my compensation is meals, I typically buy all my own food on my days off. My room is mine .. the rest of the property is HERS. The only things of mine in the main house is my purse and coat, and my shampoo in the bathroom (I even keep my towels in my room). This is issue is actually one of the tug-o-wars I have with my roommate/co-caregiver. She feels very comfortable vomiting her own stuff all over the house (and she's a bit of a hoarder, so it's an issue). I've been badgering the POA daughter, very lightly about it, since .. forever, it seems .. I think she recently 'got' it, and is going to talk to her about it, soon. After all the hoorah from the hospital stuff settles down. I truly consider it just WRONG to impose my stuff and values on my client.

And to bring a child into it? Oh, NO NO NO as the other Ladee says .. and to use your father as her alibi is equally wrong .. she's taking advantage of HIM.

I'm going to guess that the only way you'll get control over it is to be willing to move back out. If it were me, I'd be calling sis and telling her: "this woman leaves (or complies with my needs) or I do." Mean it and follow through.

Sorry to hear you going through this. Let us know how it goes?

Its funny because my whole reason for coming on this site was to ask about HHAs. I didnt know if my situation was unique, living at home and having a caregiver. At first our HHA was live in. From the start her attitude was "well you're here.." meaning she was free to choose what to do and what not to do because I was here in the house. Yet she takes it upon herself to do things without asking. Eventually she reduced her time to coming during my work hours...the one good thing I can say is that she NEVER misses work. Im so thankful for that. However she hired her friends to work the weekends. One of the ladies is a gem. The other lady she hired did not work out at all. She had a very nasty attitude. Its funny you mentioned food Ladee. Our HHA expects no one to touch what she puts in the refrigerator. The other day I used something she bought intended for her use only. She snapped at me that I never replaced it.
I know it sounds selfish, but there are times when I wish we didnt have anyone coming in at all.

2much, I do agreed with both of LaDee!! This type of HHA are up to something... I did post my suggestions earlier at this thread, please talk to your sibs!! Sue

Simple solution: if it's hers, she can put her name on it. In our household, if it's not named, it's up for grabs. Remember, this is now YOUR home, as well as your mom's .. at least until you decide you've had enough and set some boundaries you can both live with .. or not.

And .. wait .. the HHA hired the other two caregivers? How'd she get authority to do that? Hmm. Anyway .. again, if it were me, I'd start a little journal and record all the stuff she does .. the good and the bad, then with great patience and common sense (I never advocate for confrontation, I personally hate them, and they rarely get you what you want or need), write a letter to sis, and explain WHY this is so important. And be sure to add your own contribution towards your mom's care and how it effects the balance/trade-offs you have with living there and taking care of mom. It IS a balancing act.

Ladee, yep .. healing has begun. She's no longer agitated, though she's still very weak and is sleeping nearly the whole day. No wonder. Who sleeps in a hospital??? I didn't even attempt PT yesterday. We'll start some today and slowly work our way back to 'normal'.

*hugs* thanks for all the support!!

I totally agree with the suggestion LadeeC made of telling sis, it's the caregiver or me, but one of us is going.....
My charge before C and Gene would tell me horror stories about the caregiver they had before me.... She didn't know how to cook, she slept, yes, SLEPT on the couch during her shift, and many other things..... I asked M why she didn't fire her..... she said it was a very awkward situation.... how do you fire someone?

So I guess if someone is going to hire someone they must also be prepared to let them go if it's not working out...don't know what will happen if sis is not willing to do something about it.... so you will have to make some tough choices....

Some elders do have that kind of bond with their caregivers.....but in my way of thinking, it is up to the caregiver to not take advantage..... so to me, it sounds like this arrangement is set in stone.... might just be time for you to pack up your kids and find some peace and quite....

As a live in, I also provided my own food and drink....as a shift caregiver, I bring my own drinks, and bring me something to snack on.... I don't eat dinner with them...tho it has been offered.....and I would NEVER bring a child with me.... what if the kid has an accident and my charge needs me at the same time.... the kid would win.... sure hope you can find an answer to your dilemma soon....

Now lets see what we can do about this obnoxious woman. She is there to take care of your father during your working hours right? She performs personal care cooks, cleans and does his laundry.
Is the main problem that she invades your basement space and disturbs you by doing the laundry. Could you tell her that you will take on dad's laundry because you can't work with the noise and after all you have to do laundry for yourself and children. Put a note on basement door that says "Working do not disturb" If she does not honor that install a lock or bolt. She may scream all day so turn up some music and do the laundry. you may loose a days work. Her objective is to get you to leave and my guess that is not convenient.. Does she want to move in herself and control your Dad. There should be nothing in your fridge except her food and drink for the day. Another note on the fridge "remove the following items today" How old are your children? Who supervises them when you are working?
You definitely should tell sis what is going on as she is the woman's employer and should know the hours the woman actually works. if sis won't co-operate then you may have to issue an ultimatum and be prepared to carry it out. If you leave it may be inconvenient for you but it will be a lot more inconvenient for sis.
I sincerely hope you can make some changes, you are being held hostage by this woman. Dad may not be pleased but so be it, this is too much stain on you.
This is your home. have you checked with dad that he actually has given permission for this woman to do what she says he has?

No caregiver should bring their children (unless absolutely necessary), should not do their laundry, or try to take over a house. I'm close to G's family, but know my boundaries. I buy THEM food, yes they offer me food everyday but will not eat unless they guilt me (lol, they do all the time) I love reading all your comments and experiences, but families know if a caregiver is going to far, you have every right to voice how you feel. Some caregivers get to "comfortable" which is fine if everyone is on the same page. But I also ran a home care company and the biggest complaint I got from all family was how they make themselves at home. I let the family set my boundaries, and respect them. I'm not family, I may feel differently, but it's not up to me. Unless life threatening.... a respectful caregiver will be just that.. respectful. Hugs to all you guys! Your teaching me a lot!

My former MIL has a paid carer. I don't know how much money she's paid, but I do know it can't be enough...

In my experience, it's not about the money.... Well we work, but caregivers know we are not gonna get rich doing this. Me personally, I love just helping someone. And I worked for over a month, owed 2000, and never got paid. She didn't want to leave her home. And had no money, but promised it was coming. Didn't hinder my thoughts on my career choice. Love it!

Will try this one more time... keep getting bumped..... I too enjoy my work with elders... but depending on the circumstances.... I would not be a happy camper loosing out on that kind of money..... and no, we aren't going to get rich, just rich in experience, rich in being with someone we end up loving, rich in learning new ways to do things..... rich in knowing I did what I could under the circumstances.....
My 'specialty' is working with Alz..... but can honestly say, it has been a good change working with Gene.... he has dementia..... caused by being misdiagnosed. The fluid on his brain caused brain damage.... but it is not anything like working with Alz..... guess I didn't realize how burned out I was.... my brain just kicks into gear and off I go..... so it's been a good change....

Just wanted to say I do appreciate all the family members that have been posting... this thread is a godsend for the paid caregiver, but is also going to be building bridges with families.....

We will be helped to understand the family, and the family will get a glimpse of us being human..... a win-win.....

Going to bed now.... long week ahead.... sending hugs to all who are participating here.... and those that are reading......

LadeeC - I agree about HATING the word confrontation. Have you (rhetorical you) first tried asking nicely? A confrontation sounds like an attack, and an attack seldom ends peacefully. You can communicate, explain your boundaries, express your concerns with someone's behavior, and let them know what the consequences will be.

What a group of wise people we are.

Just wanted to share my day, no cable or internet, we laughed all day telling stories and jokes. It was surprising, no tv, and G was alert and hilarious! We had a blast! Even family showed up out of the blue... all day was laughs!

Oh PC123, I have 'laughter envy' !!!!!! I get to joke around with Gene, we play silly games all day, he can't hear so we pantomime things.... and sometimes things get lost in the translation and it gets funny.... but C is very jealous and tends to put a damper on things if we have too much fun....

I do notice that she is saying Stu's name more.... talked with a dil this weekend and think C is finally grieveing.... for that, I have a ton of compassion..... last night when I served dinner, told her I will always think of Stu when I see mac and cheese.... one of the few things he wanted to eat toward the end of his life.... she did say, she thought of many things during the day, every day, about him..... so this can be a good thing for me to pay attention to and hopefully we can get a little closer... if not, sharing about Stu helps me......

So, am going to try to rest some today..... my body is so wore out.....

Hugs, angels, and chocolate to everyone....

Another day of laughs. G wanted to hear things about my family that make me smile and laugh. So I told her all my favorite funny memories, she was cracking up! Then she shared some of hers and we sat and just laughed. Her husband asked what the heck had us cracking up, G said every damn thing lol! I love these times, we had a set back a while ago with a medication, since it stopped she gets more alert every day and getting her wit back. As a professional, I know it could Chang anytime, but I will enjoy these moments with her, cause I know how much she loves to laugh and make the best of the situation. Hugs to you all :)

PC .. You practically wrote my post for me. We had an awful scare on Sunday, to the extent that we called family and said, "You may want to come visit, just in case." Only time, in five years, together. Did a minor change in meds, and the result is astounding: she's mentally better than she's been for .. well .. since nearly the first of this year (it's been a rough one, all the way around). Still physically weak, but we're working on it, and she's laughing up a storm.

And I'm grabbing up all the hugs, angels and chocolate .. thanks, LadeeM!!

The Donut Debacle....... I am so grateful yesterday is yesterday.... don't think I could do another one any time soon.... When C gets her mind on something... wellllllll, nothing will do but we do what ever she has conjured up....

I get a call from her about a mile from their house... she HAS to have mineral oil for her constipated dog..... I try to tell her I am almost at her house..... to make that long story short, I went back to town... a twenty mile trip..... got the oil, and got back to a mess!!! C had decided it was the day to make doughnuts.... alrighty then... the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off in it.... I was already aggravated that I had to make a trip back to town.... gave the dog the mineral oil and she insists WE are going to make doughnuts......

Let it suffice to say... I do NOT eat anything she touches with her hands.... she never washes them, and well, ya'll get the picture... she is totally disorganized, has the dough on the table.... nothing to cut them with.... flour everywhere.... and she is telling me this that and the other to get the oil hot..... I did take time in all that chaos to get Gene a snack....

Remember, she can't see, she has Macular Degeneration..... those were the most messed up doughnuts I had ever seen..... and she is getting into the drawer under the stove to find something,,, hot oil on the stove, doughnuts getting a 'tad' too brown.... and Gene throws a TIA.....

I cut the stove off, moved the pan off the burner and am tending to Gene.... she is screeching in the kitchen that the doughnuts are burning... and remember she can't hear either.... so I am going back and forth with Gene and telling her the fire is off, no doughnuts are burning.....!!!!

I finally see that Gene is coming out of it..... but he pooped his pants....so I start getting him ready to take to his room... but knowing I am going to have to wait for awhile.... until he is alright.....

She is in the kitchen screeching that the doughnuts had risen too far.... !!!! By this time I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.... I went in the kitchen and told her a TIA trumps doughnuts!!!!!!

Get Gene cleaned up and put him to bed early..... he had to have a shower, and he was so weak.... made it a fast clean up.... but when I put him to bed he said he wanted to go back down.... no , you've had a long day.... need to rest now..... 'YOU'RE FIRED!"...... I just stood there,,, didn't know whether to do a happy dance or be professional.....

Get him settled and go back down....and of course we resume 'DOUGHNUTS'.... as requested by the lady of the house..... grrrrrr.... so there are now three dozen, ugly, too brown, nasty glazed doughnuts that I wouldn't eat if I was starving.....

THEN the clean up.... I woke up with a crick in my neck yesterday.... and my back hurt.... I didn't set down until I finally looked up and said..... MY TURN... went outside and smoked, took some time to look at the moon.... go back in and she is trying to open a bottle of wine..... oh good grief..... she had already had two glasses and on top of all her hydrocodone's..... it wasn't pretty... of course the destroyed kitchen in the background...

Oh and somewhere in there I fixed dinner.... took me forever to get that nasty kitchen cleaned..... put her to bed and just sat on the deck for another 20 minutes before I headed home..... think I will remind them today I was FIRED yesterday..... lol...... ahhh , the life of a caregiver..... and I VOLUNTEER for this..... there is something wrong with me, but am too busy to find out what... lol

So, wanted to share my day, and find some humor in it .... or I will take them up on the FIRED part..... hugs to you all.... what an insane job we all do.... and families..... can't tell you enough how awesome that ya'll do this all day every day.... kudos to you...... more appreciation than I can put into words....

LadeeM .. it must be in the air. Yesterday turned into a day of 'crossover' .. she was in some other universe yesterday where she could walk, talk to daddy and take care of the baby (the dog). Just one example:

She has her supper on the tray in front of her. She's slowly pushing it away. "Where ya going, Edna?" To the kitchen (tho the words weren't quite that clear, so I had to repeat the question several times). "Why." Time to fix supper. "How are you going to get there?" Walk. "Ok. Let me see you lift your leg. No, not that one, the other one." Bless her heart, she tried for nearly five minutes and collapsed, completely exhausted.

I know this doesn't sound like much, but it's a full 180 from any behavior she's ever exhibited, and I found myself getting really angry. And I finally realized that I wasn't even angry at her, I was angry at the condition and how it was frying her brain. It lasted for nearly two hours, until I came up with the exercise option. Couldn't afford to leave her side, lest she try to crawl out of the chair and fall.

And, I'm with you, LadeeM, I can't imagine doing it 24/7 with a family member. It's devastating, and the caregivers are truly angels.

I have another question for the paid caregivers. How close do you become with the family members ? Sometimes I feel used by our caregiver as if she pretends to be my friend in order to get things. When she is upset with my father she wants to listen to my woes as a caregiver. When she is not upset with him its "oh well that is just how he is.." My sister is visiting since last Saturday. Now our caregiver cooks enough for both of them. I am the only other person at home with them during the day and no one even offers me a thing. But she can certainly leave the dishes for me to wash when she leaves for the night.
Not only that but shes nosey and likes to gossip about us to her friends on the phone. I would like to know how close are you all with your patients' families.

I am fairly close with my patients family, but with boundaries. We all spend time together, but I don't use them for anything. I come and do my job and treat them all the same. Sometimes we all sit around and socialize, but my job comes first. I have been upset with G, but I don't let anyone know. I go above my duties at times, such as setting up meals for guests and family, but I want to cause I do for G and that's what she would of done. The family talks to me about things, but no gossip and I don't go digging. It all comes down to professionalism and respect. I admit, I have a great relationship with them all, but don't abuse it. We care a great deal about our patients. You can't help it. But her behavior seems inappropriate....

Can I ask what things she is trying to get?

I actually set some serious boundaries. I won't get involved with family politics and money issues, I refuse to take a side with any one sibling over family issues, I decline offers of "just be one of the family." Families are dysfunctional by nature (mine included .. maybe especially) and I don't need more than one. My role is to be my client's advocate, health curator, and cheerleader. When the family member tries to step and and 'do' something for mom, I have to step in and say, "Would you DO for a child, rather than teach them? There's very little difference here." Not if the goal is to promote as much independence as possible. And, I can't do that, if there's a tight emotional bond with the family.

Also, personally, I'm hypervigilant about taking advantage. I do all the shopping for the household .. first out of my own money, then reimbursed with proper receipts .. making sure NOTHING is out line. I have a certain amount of latitude, but with it comes the responsibility.

I think the thing to do is be clear, from the beginning, what's acceptable and what is not. Agreements can be renegotiated, but as far as I'm concerned, we don't begin to blur the lines when things begin to feel inequitable.

As for the gossip. Quash it. Right now. Everything in her client's and your home is PRIVATE, not just by law, but by ethics. My personal response is, how DARE she?

I have boundaries...but there is usually one family member I bond with.... not always....I stay out of the family dynamics... doesn't mean I don't email one of you and do a verbal puke, but not to them....

This lady is not a CAREGIVER, she is a warm body..... but the longer you let it go, the more she will take advantage.... It won't do you much good to complain and not do something about it.... so my question is... does she not take care of your parent to meet your standards or is it boundaries crossed and can't be retrieved....??? There is a family member that I can not stand to be in the same room with... but I am professional.... she doesn't like me either.... but I am not there for HER.... so is it a personality clash?

There are some awesome home caregivers out there, sorry you have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find one that meets your needs....

Happy Thanksgiving Day!! My client's daughter will come over and cook TG dinner for us and invite my client's sister and her daughter, we all girls would have wonderful and thankful day.