I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Thankyou for allowing us into your world to share the trials & joy of your life.
We are here for you.
Take care, xxxx
The idea that we can control what death looks like for our loved ones is an illusion. She had love in her life. Celebrate that and chuck the rest.
I say this primarily for your family members. DH, SIL and YD will probably fall into the guilt pit. It is not productive. Every time they start going there, they are going to have to train themselves to think of the good. Otherwise, it will drive you all nuts.
hugs from Hope
Dear old MIL. May she find peace.
Im not sure what After holds for us humans - but if there is a heaven, I’d like to think MIL is there with her husband, her siblings and her beloved Poochy. And, of course - she is young again.
Thank you, Dorker - for taking us along on this journey.
Thinking of you and your family in sympathy.
The NH had recanted yesterday late afternoon on closing the window to family visit(s). Opened that window again for her son and 1 guest to visit.
He and I went yesterday evening. Stayed until almost 10 PM.
She was not really responsive (Morphine/Ativan). Sometimes when speaking to her she would lightly groan ... other times, no response at all. We thought maybe her attempt to talk, but unable. So really we didnt talk much.
Just held her not responsive hands, stroked her all grown out (because of Covid/hair cuts impossible) hair ...
We left a little before 10 PM.
DH said she wouldn't make it through the night and he was right.
She's at peace now. Her cloud took her finally.
SIL no, unable to have come. She lives in IL and restrictions there as to Covid, stronger than here in FL.
She would have had to do an airport .. airplane ... (she has stayed mostly isolated, she & her husband). Said she told her husband's doc she'd like to fly to FL to say bye to her mom but doc cautioned that would mean a 14 day quarantine upon her return there to IL. Taking her out as to any presence around her husband for that 14 days.
She felt it best not to risk it. Terribly sad to not be able to be here though.
Him trying to 'plan' is sad, but it gives him something to reach for, I suppose. Take a long, long look at him and see how far he has fallen to get to the stage he's in. Realistically, is he going to rehab to the point ANY kind of home care is feasible?
I hope you can stay out of the day to day as best you can. I've pretty much come to the realization that life very rarely goes the way we want, and wishing it would be different is kind of a waste of time.
Glad you got to see MIL, it sounds like she is on the last legs. It's so sad that her daughter cannot see her. Doesn't SIL have ANYONE she can leave her DH with for a couple of days so she could fly in and out to see her mom one more time? I think if her mother dies before she can see her once again--she'll never get over it.
Just--when it rains, it pours. Please take of yourself and try to do what you can and don't beat yourself up over what you cannot do.
Bounce back into hospital.
Rehab.
Home.
Bounce again.
Hospital.
Rehab.
Home.
Hospital.
My friend's Dad is on this merry-go-round - lost track of how many rounds.
If your father wants in-home help and insists on at least trying that, as long as he is deemed competent, that is what the facility will accept upon his discharge. If you step up and start arranging for it all (isn't that what you meant with the comment to your father of "I'm going to need an army of other folks, and preferably professional sorts"?), then you are enabling him in and condoning his unwise decision. And you will be stepping and fetching once again. Since you enabled this folly, you will be responsible for filling in when the caregivers don't show up.
" I do what any human would do .. that has an ounce of compassion." I suggest you set some very firm boundaries for what you will do, because in the moment I foresee a great chance of your weakening. And he will grab that opening. He expects you to step in, just as he expects your stepsister to take care of her mother.
You are doing so great! Praying your dad and K (ok, your dad) will find some way to realize their current situation is all of their own doing, and they will both acquiesce to the appropriate assistance. Please hang in there and know we are all rooting for you. Stay strong by caring for yourself!
(((((Huggggs)))))
All the Best!
Oh, and P.S. praying for excellent rehab and quick recovery for your BIL!
But in any event .. between his issues .. and the fear of Covid and risk .. of spreading it to her husband in any trip down this way .. she isn't coming.
Accdg to today's visit by the Hospice nurse, MIL is resting comfortably (likely Morphine and Ativan at work there) .. and not really responsive.
Their "rules" where she is, .. have always been clearly stated that she'd be allowed visitor(s) at end of life ... set with their stated rules that the vital signs in decline.
We did always (and still do) question, .. "what if those vital signs don't drop .. what if she just passes in her sleep and that all important tick down of vital signs comes and goes . and her gone .. and no one the wiser .. then no visit?".
I kinda get it, .. these NH's are doing the best they can also with navigating this whole Covid closure of their facilities. An all new dilemma not seen in our lifetimes. As a rule, NH's are closed to visitors, period. Until the powers that be figure a better way to open those NH's to visitors and yet still lessen the risk of Covid exposure. I get it.
And yes, .. unfortunately . she could slip away with no visit(s) from family, except they did open that window .. momentarily for a couple of days .. and at a time that MIL was semi-lucid enough to know we were there.
Grateful we got that much. All of this could've come to pass with zero opportunity to get in there to visit, at all.
What is really heartbreaking to me is this though. We did get in there to see her, and we didn't know at the time, whether that window would slam shut .. had been said it could indeed, slam shut and it did ultimately.
She wasn't lucid enough really for us to explain to her, "now we are here now, but if you don't see us again, .. it's because they aren't allowing us in any longer".
She really wasn't lucid enough to have explained that to her.
So to her, does it all seem like a dream .. if she is awakening and able to think at all at this point ... does she ponder, .. "now they were here, ... but why aren't they coming back?".
That part is bothering me. I keep telling myself, that thinking . that capacity to think .. is lost on her at this point, so don't let it bother you.
As to why I'm "involving" myself in the things with dad .. I am the *only* one .. that can be of any voice for him in all this. That's about all I do, is act as voice .. to it all.
I ordered him a new belt for his slacks .. and hauled it there the other day, per his request.
I tried to sort out (thru the back door, as I don't have POA) .. some of hill bills that his wife has fouled up .. and .. fortunately for him the lady that works where his auto/ho insurance is, a church congregant of mine . .and so for that particular uphill battle, .. I was able to straighten that out with a phone call to my church buddy.
He calls me, . for instance, this AM .. feeling as though he is perhaps dehydrating . hasn't been eating/drinking .. some nausea .. .has tried .. so he tells it, to get atten to the matter there on site, to no avail.
I am the only voice in it, .. on his behalf. So .. I do what any human would do .. that has an ounce of compassion. I put in calls to med personnel.
Your situation is so like the EOL for both my dad and my FIL...they were both actively dying in the same year--we lost them about 7 months apart. I went right from 'doing' for FIL to spelling mother off so she could get a break while daddy was in Hospice.
It was grueling, but it was 16 years ago and I was a lot tougher then.
As much as you say MIL isn't 'EOL'...she really is. The introduction of the Morphine and Ativan--kind of spells it out. Her 'vitals' may be good, but that's not all they look at. I would push for having her dxed as EOL and you will be able to get SIL down there to say goodbye. My FIL had ONE DAY on Hospice and he passed. His vitals were 'good' and he was eating. Luckily his doc was really aware of the deeper illnesses and kept us apprised. He did not die alone.
Your poor dad, I wonder how much more assaults his poor old body can handle.
I don't get why YOU are stepping in to a mess you said you'd never get involved in, but I'd do the same thing, so I cannot judge.
Make preparations for a double occupancy for him and K in a LTC facility and then let it go. I highly doubt he's going to recover to the point that that kind of living arrangement is going to work. He's always just one fall away from being hospitalized.
At any rate--I feel for you and the ongoing drama. We're 'kind of' there with both our mothers--DH's is being a real pill and mine isn't speaking to me. (That is absolutely FINE with me).
Wish you could get a break--I hope your personal life is better. Having my YD home from VA has meant babysitting 3-4 times a week and I am enjoying it--but rapidly becoming tired from the high energy kids. On a new med that is making me so tired---but calming my over-active heart. (A problem brought on by STRESS....)
On the upside-Dh went out of town this week. One flight then a week in a very small town. It is SO NICE to not have him here, and I know he feels the same way.
Hugs to you lady--take care.
likely the same fate that her mother faced .. cared for in her home .. by what family could patch together (stepmom doesn't have that luxury in extension of many kids . and their kids .. as did her own mother) ... until that was no longer viable and by that time, her own mom didn't know who/where she was . and was then sent to live in a NH ..
How that occurs with stepmom .. how it plays out, I don't know.
But circling my dad back to the realities of it all, just in talking with him .. and his notion that a 2 bedroom apartment can be had as to his and her's arrangements going forward. Not gonna happen.
I personally think her detrimental to his care and should NOT be in the same setting . that's MO .. but whatever that's worth. Not likely to happen though.
And day by day . any hope that ALF might be a path for him . is diminishing ... it looks as though . his mobility is plateauing .. and as such ... he is going to need a higher level of care.
Getting him on that page .. will take the professionals repeatedly driving that home.
But on that LTC policy .. that was simply a matter in the end, .. dad could tell me the company but not where I could lay my hands on the policy (more to the point w/stepmom standing guard at the house) .. he could at least tell me the name of the insurance company.
From there a call to the corporate location for said company to dial in on, who is his local agent. That information provided to me, a phone call to the local agent, who . understandably, would not release any information without consent from the policyholder. Conferenced in my dad .. and dad giving permission to speak to me and/or provide the policy to me. It was emailed to me .. I have it, and some conversation with the agent on the workings of the policy now.
to spend too much time around her mom . that's all been a given throughout all of this. She doesn't even really trust her own daughter and me ...?!?!?!?!?.............she wouldn't trust me out of her sight there in your home . there's not really anything I can do to assist on that front".
Dad: "I know you're right .. I guess I lay up here in this bed .. and ponder it all .. don't have anything else to do ... and .. I worry about her .. want to make sure she isn't abandoned".
Me: Right now you really have to put your focus on your own well being and what your path forward will be .. as of right now . you tell me that they is talk of discharge for you . but . no clear answers as to how those wounds of yours will impact your placement in doing so .. and no real clear answers as to your lack of mobility . and what that looks like in real time and where you land, so those answers have to be forthcoming first and foremost"
I do feel for him . laying there lost in thought/worry about his wife.
But what to do? You have someone who . really . in the end . in his wife .. throughout the years . .. this isn't new .. she really had no use for me or my brother (his bio offspring). Myself . she would at least put forth a facade .. so to speak that I am welcome there . .but let me ask to see important papers in her presence (and make no mistake about it .. she will ALWAYS .. A.L.W.A.Y.S. be present if I'm on site) ... let me ask to see important papers and/or discuss important matters .. She will make certain that ole dorker here .. is ... to be dispensed with. Cloaking it always in .. "now you don't need to bother with that, . why your dad bothers you with these things .. now don't you worry about that (whatever "that" happens to be at the moment) .. we'll get that figured out, your dad needn't bother you with that" .. Cloaking it all in ... the politeness of not wanting to bother me.
My dad because of his cowardice . or .. whatever the basis for it .. let all that stand thru the years... her disdain for his offspring.
None of that is new . none of it, .. only made worse over time by the fact her mind is slipping into senility . and .. she can no longer "we'll handle that, we'll take care of that, . your dad needn't bother you with these things".
And my brother .. worse ... she is barely able to hold much in the way of any dialogue with him .. from a standpoint, she loathes him .. and so his ability to work thru much . on their behalf . .is negligent.
I do feel for him . in a sense .. laying there in the setting he's in . nothing but time on his hands to worry and wring his hands at it all . and what is to become of his wife who is (and she is .. really pretty much) abandoned in all this ..
Obviously I don't wish upon her that she leave a pot on the stove and burn the house down and her in it .... but do I think that a possibility with her? Quite honestly I've been astounded she's been alone all these months and there haven't been any earth shattering events on their homefront. So yea, I think it's a possibility.
Pose that to her daughter and her daughter's response is "What am I gonna do though Dorker ... I try to get her to agree to be seen by her MD and let's get real about all this and she treats me like I just fell off the turnip truck . and I'm stupid . and won't agree to do it, .. I can't forcefully remove her from the home".
Nothing I can do about any of it. He has made his bed.
Surprising lack of forethought for someone I knew in my dad to be a meticulous detail oriented person. Now he finds himself ailing and likely his fate forward is going to be one remanded to a setting for supported living ... and so what's to become of his wife.
A blast of dynamite wouldn't pry her out of their home and into a supported living arrangement per his words of "A 2 bedroom unit for ALF" .. not gonna happen.
Not mine to fix thankfully ..
I don't know what becomes of her .. likely the
I was trying to ... thus the call requesting the MD call me.
What I hope to find in discussion with that MD is that he concurs (he has to, how else can he possibly view all this) .. that dad and going home is not going to be possible.
If that is the MD's professional opinion . and yet there is awareness of his vague mention to dad in the last several days . of an imminent discharge. Ok doc ... so what's the plan there?
Discharge to where?
No one has asked to see any docs on LTC plans or otherwise, .. not to me.
My hope is that the doc will drive the bus as they say ... and drive it home that ... home is going to be perilous for him ... and dad does seem to have an awareness of that himself. So ... where to now?
I happen to think, much to dad's unhappiness on that topic .. ALF .. is probably not going to be optimal . and more a SNF ..
Unfortunately he is higher functioning than some others he'd find in that setting .. but .. so was MIL too . when she arrived at that juncture.
Unfortunately, as I found walking this walk with MIL's plight. NH's aren't Burger King where you can have it your way. There isn't a carte blanche' menu of NH's .. where those who are higher functioning can be housed with like minded folks. Doesn't work that way.
In dialogue with my dad and his amblings/ramblings that go off course .. and his hope for an ALF with a 2 bedroom so that ultimately his wife can be housed there too.
Uh dad .. first and foremost let's circle back . you won't get her agreement to leave that home .. she has zero interest in doing so ..
To his response (and sometimes slipping into weeping doing so): "Yea but her mind is going . it really is .. I mean she can't keep up . she think I was at the house yesterday wanted to know where I am .. she can't keep up. Sometimes in the wee hours I think perhaps it's going to come to having her committed involuntarily and I know that I'd rather tame a lion . .as to her family to take that route .. that won't be taken lightly if I take that approach as to her well being ".
Me: Dad .. you and I both know that she showtimes .. so you have law enforcement show up there to cart her outta there, . when she appears not in imminent danger of harming herself or others .. they aren't going to take her, and if they do .. a long shot .. it'd be about a 36 hour hold ... and so . committing her involuntarily . is really a crap shoot . not going to work .. it really isn't .. and not only that . when the day comes that she can ultimately be shoved/kicking and screaming out of that household . it's going to be at Memory Care not in an apartment that is 2 bedroom . for the both of you ... "
Dad: "You're probably right, .. I guess I lay up here at night and forget some of the nuances of all of this .. and ponder and think of ways to work around it all, I worry so about her, .. all alone there in that house .. is she going to put a pot of something on the stove and forget it and burn the damn house down . and her in it ... I worry about her and her well being .. and I get quite disgusted with her daughter, that she is . for all practical purposes .. really absent her mom's life and her mom's well being. Your stepmom is really .. pretty much all alone .. her daughter doesn't really see about her, spend any time with her ... and so .. the fact that she is slipping mentally more and more, is lost on her".
Me: "And I can't fix that ... and wouldn't even try to ... She has been so absolutely pervasively distrustful of anyone . and for a long long long time . .. her daughter tried .. many times to get her to see her physician about her mind .. and she absolutely dug in her heels and refused to do so .. and her daughter has her own mental frailties and can only take so much dad . you know that, it impacts her own mental well being to spend too much
Poor dad. I'm glad he is coming around to the idea that home is not the proper setting for him. I guess perhaps a nursing might be a more suitable placement for now, correct?
Someone needs to find that LTC policy.
I need a lot of help with things like .. getting onto the toilet .. or into and out of bed .. and the chair and so forth .. I don't think K is going to be able to be of much help with all that in the home".
Me; "So dad did you discuss any of this with the doctor and get his thoughts".
Dad: "No .. he really was pretty evasive on what his plans are as to discharge .. I don't know maybe you want to put in a call and see what you can dig up".
So I did that.
Put in a call to ask to speak to PT .. that guy did call me back . .and it's thought by them .. dad will need a supported setting .. be that ALF (aware of the wounds as barrier there) .. and if home is his preference, then 24/7 support. It's thought dad is reaching a plateau as to any ability to improve.
Put in a call at the same time, . to ask to speak to wound care nurse as well as MD.
As luck would have it .. when wound care nurse and MD called back . and together both of them in dad's room (didn't know that until later when I talked to my dad). They called back and I happened to be on the phone working with tech support on a banking biz website issue ... our biz account .. some issues there with working some things online . and I'd even made an appt and gone in to the bank (one doesn't walk into banks anymore with Covid an issue, one has to schedule an appt). I had gone into the bank . only to find they too were unable to help resolve it . and so appt set with a rep for online support over the telephone . and that call did come in and so going thru the troubleshooting steps to resolve the issue over the phone.
And that's when I get a return phone call from the MD and wound care nurse. A call I missed.
Wound care nurse did ultimately call back later and so talking with her, no the wounds are not yet "stageable" (that all important caveat as to any admit to ALF). Said she would talk to the NP for their group and see what her thoughts are .. when she next sees dad on Wednesday of this week and report back in with me ...
Was going to try again this morning, to call and put in word I want to speak to the MD ..
When I got a call from my dad . .who reports himself weak and possibly dehydrated (and has tried to get atten to the matter from staff on site there, not to his satisfaction). Says he hasn't really eaten much in 4 days . no appetite . some nausea ... and feels weak and mouth is dry .. ponders whether he is dehydrating . and has said as much to the powers that be on site to promises they'll look into it and to that point in time, no action.
I did call the site to ask for the charge nurse, who was said to be in a meeting. Passed along the concern. She did call back . said she'd spoken with my dad who reports those same concerns to her (she is just on duty as of this AM, after having been off for the wknd). I suppose the charge nurse on duty on the wknd .. maybe doesn't care .. who knows.
The charge nurse said she spoke with the MD who has ordered some lab work and if needed . they can do an IV there for fluids.
Yesterday was spent watching the twins so their mommy could finish painting one of their bedrooms.
I need to not be needed. That's what I NEED.
First, .. we were allowed a momentary window to go in and visit what is a severely declining MIL.
It's been said all along, .. that EOL visits are allowed at the site where she resides. Usually that is precipitated by a decline in vital signs and process of dying.
Her vital signs are okay still. But .. she is *mostly* refusing meds/foods. Says she can't fight anymore, .. is ready to go.
This set in motion in SIL the prompt to then reach out to the powers that be, .. to see if we could be allowed to visit MIL .. more importantly before she declines (if possible) to the point she doesn't know we're there.
The answer given .. yes, we will allow family to visit .. no more than 2 at any given time, and no more than 15 mins .. and that window is open for now. Full PPE ... given there at entry.
It was said that may be yanked, .. any ability to visit (and it has been now), as it may be determined she isn't actively dying . .and thus . this is more her new normal .. and so visits at that point would be suspended until she is actively dying. That is what did end up happening.
But that window was opened for 2 days .. and so we were able to go visit her 2 x's .. and her g'daughters that live here in town, also went to visit.
She is .. in and out of being able to interact really ... mostly sleeping.
Hospice has now rx'd Ativan and Morphine (pressure sore on her bottom). And that is now being administered, and I don't know .. since that was started after we visited, but I suspect her ability to interact at this point, has lessened with those narcotics now a part of her regiment.
She did know we were there, .. could (some) interact (barely). Did utter the words (barely audible really) .. that she wanted to stay but can't ... it's all too hard to keep fighting .. and we did give her permission to go . at which time she then said .. she can't (confusion) .. we're all too precious to her, she doesn't want to leave us. So who knows. I think she has to *let go* herself .. and it sounds pretty imminent to me.
This EOL stage .. it's heartbreaking. We question why we put our LO's thru this when we aren't expected that our animals endure this and can assist them to depart their broken bodies. I know, another thread another argument. Not one I'm going to entertain. But suffice it to say . it's heartbreaking to watch someone in this EOL stage .. and their only thread of any life left in them is what is in between some state of too far gone to interact, and not yet so far gone they can't.
Eternally grateful for the opportunity of that small window that opened and her lucid enough (barely) that she did know we were there.
We will be allowed back in .. should her vitals dip and dying process in motion. But I suspect at that time, she won't know we're there. Who knows when that comes.
On the other front, ...
Dad having mentioned the other day the MD's words in passing to him of imminent discharge/release from there. And of course, dad doesn't ask the probing questions I would of that as any notion going forward.
"Dad what about those wounds, .. thus far, ..to my knowledge those wounds are barrier as to any entry to ALF to continue to work on your mobility . have those wounds improved?".
Of course his answer, 'Hon I dunno ..."
Did he ask. No.
So of course, a phone call to the site that I'd like to speak to the wound care nurse (as well as the doc that mentioned in passing that he may be discharged in a week or so, . what are the docs thoughts .. will be drive the bus on the issue that he isn't going to be safe to return to his home . .not without 24/7 support).
My other question to my dad: "Dad last I heard from PT you aren't ambulating independently for xfer's .. and need a lot of help, has that changed".
His response: "Oh I don't think . I have a sense myself, that going home is going to prove pretty perilous .. I know that I need a lot
The “bullet-proofness” of it all. Before life had kicked my azz around the block a few times. Good times!
If I had been you, Dorker - I might have been tempted to ask YD -
“Really, you think that’s the way to go? And, what are YOUR plans for YOU taking care of YOUR grandma round the clock? A FMLA leave of absence from your job? That not having a paycheck might be rough. But, I’m sure you’ll work it out since you have all the answers. And do remember - I won’t be able to assist you in ANY WAY, as I need to be available for MY father and his increasing needs”.
Now, I’m not saying you are to actually be at the ready to go pick your father up off the bathroom floor. But YD doesn’t really need to know that detail.
Seriously, Dorker - seems to me you are currently staring down the double barrel of an old aged chit-storm.
Given my militant stance on all things Covid19, I do not say this lightly: Tell MILs “team” that you need to be there for your father. Tell your father you need to be there for your husband and his mother. Then find yourself an open 5-star hotel and check in. Indefinitely. Order room-service, binge watch TV and read a couple of good books.
Just be sure to pack some masks and hand sanitizer.
It's also hard for me to imagine YD (who knows from her profession as a CNA how overwhelming it is to care for a bedridden senior) would consider moving MIL to your home! Terrible idea, for everyone including MIL.
Take care dear Dorker, you are in our thoughts and prayers!
And thank you for giving words to the thoughts that DH and I also have about his mom living (her very little QOL existence) while others pass away.
We have lost several really delightful, loving, caring and vibrant people in our lives over the last few years . . . . yet MIL just keeps going. Sometimes I think that the meanness and venom in her is what propels her forward. The hardest for me was a friend who wasn't even 50 yet, leaving behind 3 kids - her daughter was just entering her Senior year of high school . . . . .and yet his mom remains, still sitting in that recliner, watching Law & Order SVU *sigh* complaining about everything and trying to pit family members against each other - ugh.
"As of right now, barring word that changes things from wound care nurse, as I await return phone call from her .. those wounds are barrier to entry to ALF ... and so . it's either discharge to home with round the clock care .. or to LTC with the hope that one can be ALF .. (though it's not looking promising).
Trying to get dad to understand that, .. I'm going to need an army of other folks, and preferably professional sorts."
All sounded okay until I got to your last sentence -- "I'm going to need an army of other folks, and preferably professional sorts."
Is this "I" to mean you? YOU? You are offering to coordinate all of this? Why? If you don't condone his return to home (and you've said you don't), then why not simply refuse to take part in any of the planning/coordinating?
Just a sad time right now. MIL clinging somewhere in the doldrums of between life and death ... and my dad and his frailties.
I talked to the PT guy this morning about my dad. Essentially it's believed he is plateaued. His level of function is what they call "contact guard assist" (?). Meaning, .. he does xfer etc .. but with someone with their hand on him .. no heavy lifting . but there in case for certain. He is not someone they would consider can xfer safely on his own without any help/guidance. Not even with walking .. .even w/walking with a walker, someone has their hand on his back as a steadying presence for this guy who now has developed some balance issues, and has a tendency to fall b'wards.
The PT guy's words, .. "it's our recommendation that at discharge he got to ALF .. or if home, .. do so with 24/7 support".
I guess I'm going to need to get the MD on this more, to the degree that professional opinion needs to be spoken ... and with frequency to maybe drill it home . that going home .. if that's whatcha wanna do dad .. it's gonna be costly .. because in home help around the clock is going to be more costly than is a setting of ALF or LTC.
As of right now, barring word that changes things from wound care nurse, as I await return phone call from her .. those wounds are barrier to entry to ALF ... and so . it's either discharge to home with round the clock care .. or to LTC with the hope that one can be ALF .. (though it's not looking promising).
Trying to get dad to understand that, .. I'm going to need an army of other folks, and preferably professional sorts.
Or .. if not .. go home .. with your 9 to 5 you think will suffice, and I predict he'll be in the floor with some serious injury likely within a day or two at the most and .. .. probably between those hours he thought .. weren't needing in home care.
And on another note .. filed under utter frustration. YD who lives here .. gets word about her grandma .. and how she is teetering essentially at the gates to ride on the cloud .. and also word that SIL will reach out to see if now is the time that visitor(s) can enter .. and she gets pizzy ... "well either they allow visitors . so we can go be with our g'ma . or we need to have her brought here then .. she can't be made to die alone .. that's .. we just have to do something".
Uhm . no ... we don't bring her here to die . no .. not unless you have a crystal ball that tells you her stay here will be approximately 24 hours or less. No, I am not willing to take on the care of someone's EOL issues ... no ... get pizzy all ya want .. not happening.
I need a vacation! Far far far away .. from all this b'chit
I'm so sorry for all the sadness in your lives right now.
As to your sudden death experience with your congregant; we had a similar situation 2 years ago, except that the wife came home and found her vibrant 60 year old college professor husband on the floor. He'd had a stroke. He is in a NH permanently. Very disabled. She hasn't seen him since March except for a brief visit in an ICU a few weeks ago when he was vented for {no, not COVID-related} breathing difficulties and they thought they were going to lose him.
Not sure which is worse.
(((((((hugs))))))))) to you all.