I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
That is the thing that ticks me off so much is that while trying to obtain VA benefits for my father, the statement made to not give my dad his benefits is that my parents have too many assets. Well pardon my dad for being wise outside the military service but so the heck what? I'm at a new battle there to obtain them for dad.
Do what you have to in order to provide. Keep your receipts, prove the spending so God forbid IRS or some other government agency has something to say about it. Just make sure you do what you must to provide for your father. Him being stubborn is just too bad. You don't want to be dead first from stress do you?
Okay, there's my two cents! LOL
lovingdaughter
I am feeling bad today because I think my dad is starting to go into liver failure. I had him at the emergency room all day and he would not let them admit him to the hospital. He wanted to go home, so I let him. His legs have swelled huge and his bellie is just full of fluid. The doctor said he has CHF, and the only reason I let him go home is because we have an appointment with his liver doctor tomorrow early and I did not want him to stay in the hospital when he was freaking out about it.
I think he is not thinking correctly and he just was not going to stay. I took him to dinner and stayed with him for the rest of the night and I am going back in a few hours. I am just scared right now--I feel bad that he is in so much pain and no one can do anything for him. But then I know what I read and they say that he had to eat right and keep his sugar stable which he had refused to do any of it. I know its hard but I feel like he has given up lately because he is so lonely.
Well thats whats going on here, I hope everyone else is doing good. Take care.
I will let you know how he is doing tomorrow.
Alice
hi Alice I hope things work out I understand about them giving up tho sometimes that is not a bad thing it just hurts us because we don't want to lose them but to be humane we must let them live according to their feelings not ours. We as humans sometimes and I'm not saying you are doing this, I just mean from my own experience we think we own them like our children but we don't and things can change at any second. I personally especially after taking care of FIL, MIL and my father and now my mother I want them to be pain free and at peace. laying in bed in pain or not being able to talk to someone from a severe stroke, etc is not good quality of life. I personally think that death (which is our goal from day one) is better than some of the things our parents and others have to live with. I don't mean to sound cruel I am just realistic like that. No one wants to lose someone they love dearly believe me I know first hand but God is in control not us we only get to make decisions that effect others and ourselves. Than we have to live with the consequences. My love and hugs to all of you who are dealing with such hard issues.
A few years ago, my mother had abdominal surgery. She was sent home to heal with an open wound. The next day, she de-hissed, which means that her intestines literally spilled out of her. She was rushed to hospital. My mom was awake through all of this. An incredible ER nurse took care of her. My mom called her an angel and asked her what her name was. The nurse told her and my mom said: "I will always remember you." The nurse: "No, you won't. You won't remember any of this."
Two weeks later, she went home, and of course the nurse was right. My mom had no recollection of any of it.
I feel like that ER nurse. (Only I don't get paid for what I do.)
My mother and my wife are filled with gratitude when I'm there to take care of their crises. But as soon as the dramas have passed, I'm insulted, criticized, belittled, and told I'm a lousy husband and father. And now, I'm reduced to this -- a pathetic whining martyr playing for the pity of complete strangers.
Forgive me for venting and self-pitying. I actually called my dearest, oldest friend to vent earlier, but he was on his way to a party and I didn't have a chance to say any of this.
Thanks. I mean it.
As far as being insulted, criticized and belittled, I can relate. "No good deed goes unpunished." The ones who do the least criticize the most, I've found. Also, consider the source. Who is doing the complaining about you? Are they realistic and emotionally healthy? Are they contructive or destructive. Find those who support you, and encourage you, even if they are strangers. Not all friends can handle our trials, or completely understand our needs. I've often felt like others are living life, while I am "stuck" caring for those in need. It's a place of self-pity we don't want to stay long.
A lousy husband and father is one who dumps their responsibility and runs off, which hardly describes what you've told us about you. You haven't abandoned your loved ones, and can only do what is humanly possible. Vent as much as you need to, if it helps you. And be discerning when accepting counsel. Prayer helps. Keep up the great work you are doing for those God has given you to care for. Praying for your wife, littles ones, and for your Mom as well. Keep coming back, and let us know how things work out... Thank you for sharing your story. Remember, because you love and care, you are a hero! God bless you all.
It sounds as if you have a handfull right now. Multiple issues are part & parcel of the caregiving experience as you have seen from being on this site. You know from your experiences on this board that everyone will be supportive as always. Its not easy being torn in many directions while caring for your mom. Depression in a family affects everyone - hope you are finding the support you need locally to deal with that issue for you & the kids.
You are having to cope with a superhuman situation. It's remarkable YOU aren't the one in the psych ward! Please keep talking, seek any help you can get, and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Each of us knows the gratitude we get when we do something for an elder (or a mentally ill person) and then they forget and we can't do anything right.
Blessings to you, my good man. Your family is so lucky to have you. Please keep checking in.
Carol
Thank goodness a man of your character has stepped up to the plate. It is so nice to know that you are there for your loved ones. Your children are very lucky to have you. Have you looked to your church, visiting nurse and the hospital for help? So many avenues of help go unused because we don't know that they are there for us. One of our members to this site clued me in on Veterans help for my mom and it is an avenue that I am now researching. Keep your mom at her home and give your children the stability of their home with you. Good luck, your family is very fortunate to have you.
lovingdaughter
I just wanted to say hello and tell Edrex that things have a way of working themselves out with time. I do know what you mean about timing with things our loved ones seem to do. It seems like the biggest things happen when we have something else going on. I have handled this by not discussing anything about dad with my husband and nothing about my husband to my dad. It works wonderful!!! And dad is no longer allowed to know when I go on vacation because he always pulls something. Last Christmas he stoped taking his meds and got really sick and spent Christmas in the hospital while I was on a cruise worrying the whole time. But the calls stopped as soon as I reached a few miles out at sea...
Anyway my dad is doing better, I just have come to the realization that he is not going to take care of himself, because he wants all the wrong foods that are making him sick. I can't do it for him and I told him today I won't be yelled at anymore because I care about him and if he wants to eat himself to death he can call a cab to go to the emergency room every week!! He did not like that at all.
Well hope everyone is doing good, I am in the middle of exams all week so everybody stay wonderful and do something for yourself this week. The spa sounds so great ladies it is so fun.....and relaxing.....see you their!!!!!
Alice
Nauseated
My husband, maybe 10 years ago, said to me "I hope you don't come to the point in your life that you regret not having a life". I, with my know it all self, said "I will never regret taking care of my parents". Unfortunately, I have hit mid life, I am 47. I am regretting not having a life. I am regretting it so, that I too, put myself in a psyc ward for a couple of days. It didn't get me any where, I still have the same problem. But, if i could change anything, I would have set my boundaries with my parents, as far as what i could do caregiving wise. I am trying to set them now, but it seems too late. Now, I am stuck and so very unhappy.
Vent all you want, I am here to listen.
Marylynne
My wife was admitted to the psych ward five days ago. And since that happened I feel like I've been fighting Iraq and Afghanistan. The kids (all under 8) held it together for a few days, but tonight my daughter started to lose it. As much as I reassure her, she blames herself for Mommy's illness. She's a smart kid. I've never used the words mental illness, but she knows it's not like when other people go to the doctor.
Every few days a pain goes through my cheek and eye and skull and I think if something happens to me who's going to take care of my babies?
After three years of unemployment I just got a new job, but I've had to be with my wife practically full time to advocate for her at the hospital. Somehow I still manage to get home and fix dinner for my kids (I do have a wonderful woman who helps me with the kids when I'm not there) and fix their broken PS2 video game controller. But I don't know how much more fixing of broken things and people I can do before I break down.
And though it's only been five days, my wife is definitely getting worse at the hospital. The doctors tell me it's too early to expect any significant improvement, but originally they told me she'd feel much better and be ready to go home within seven days. Then I go on-line and read about people who've been on the medicines they're giving my wife. Most of these people are still suffering six months to ten years after they started treatment.
My wife hates the hospital. She says the hospital is what's making her sick. She begs to be released. Technically, no one's holding her there. She's free to go if she really wants to. But she knows she's not ready to face the daily stresses of home life. And her vague plans of staying at a motel or on a friend's couch just don't make sense.
So I'm left to convince her that, as much as she hates it, staying in the hospital is the best course for her. And I present the case in favor of continued hospitalization with certainty and passion... even though I'm filled with doubt. I encourage her to trust the doctors who tell us she will make a full recovery... even though they can't give us any timeframe.
And it's not easy to tell a sad, frightened, angry 7 year old girl that we just don't know when Mommy will be well enough to come home.
My wife was so desperate to get out of the hospital, but not come back home, she thought it might be a good idea if SHE moved in with my mom and took care of her. At first, I thought that was the craziest plan I'd ever heard. But who knows? My mom's healthy from the neck up and my wife's healthy from the neck down. Maybe together, they make one well-adjusted, able-bodied person.
There. That's it. Just had to vent.
I hope you get some relief soon. Are you going to your new job? I believe that is very important for you now, it can get your mind off the family for maybe a little big but at least you are employed not. I hope your kids will see how wonderful of a father they have and I am sure they will. Those little ones always know when something is wrong don't they? People think they are not seeing things and they know. But kids are resiliant and bounce back so hope and pray your wife will recover quickly to help you out.
And I hope your mother does well too. Wow I really thought I was going crazy with just my dad and husband to take care of now I feel slightly stupid for complaining so much.
Try to get time out for a few minutes to get yourself together--your family needs you most now. Obviously you can do it or you would not be handling it right now. I am praying for you and your family. I wish I could help you in some way--let us know how things are going for you and we will be here to listen whenever you need to vent.
Alice
Have they given you a name for what the believe is affecting your wife? How young is the baby? Does anyone think she might have postpartum disorder? Anxiety attacks? We have been through much of this and I can tell you, the first drug doesn't always work. Sometimes you have to go through a few until you hit the right one. I know that this sounds really cruel, but you need to stop going to the hospital all the time and takes care of yourself and those children. Give them as much stability as you can. Your wife is in the best place she can be right now and your children need you more than she does. Give yourself some time to rest and be there for your children. Go to work, give them some financial stability, and then you can start putting the pieces together. Good luck and keep writing to us. We are all here for you and your family.
lovingdaughter