I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

thank you I know at least I should know better. But she was spoiled terribly by people who loved her and I have continued that just so she doesn't get upset, because when she gets upset she gets sick. As I speak she is sick now, her gastrointestianal symptoms are apparent and I know it's self induced attention seeking behavior but it doesn't belie the fact that she has some very real physiological symptoms. The fear and anxiety I have when we go to the ER is horrible, plus I have to steal myself to make the decion if the ER is necessary THIS time or can we manage this with medication at home. If I have to go to the ER I have to find a place for my child, I can't leave her for hours alone in the house overnight, UGH. YES Boundaries. I must say I am proud of myself, this past weekend I answered her questions calmly and politely. My behavior indicated that I was not happy with the way she treated me and because I didn't "say" anything I could not be accused of being disrespectful or "a piece of work" She got the point. But now she's sick, I am at work though managing not to be held hostage again. Her church friend, who I called this morning will check on her and call me if needed. BOUNDARIES.
thanks for all your support! I love this place!

Good work, Lisaanne! As you say - boundaries. It's not always easy to know what they are. You seem to be developing a good sense.
Carol

My hugh S faded in the wash-I decided that if the husband can not or will not treat me with reapect I will not or can not take his calls for a while thank goodness for caller ID it must have been invented by a long suffering wife. Boundaires setting is my new mantra=take care all of you dear folks.

I am so glad to hear that boundaries are being realized that they are not a bad thing. We (people in general) have become so used to doing and agreeing to everything, we lose ourselves and our identity in everything else.

It is hard to realize that saying "no" is okay to do. It is difficult, many times to deal with the reactions that others have to us setting boundaries. Why? Because they are not used to us saying no. Again, it is okay.

Lisaanne, don't feel guilty for setting that boundary. She's sick because she's lived a life of getting what she wants. You put the responsibility of choice on her and she did not like that. She wanted someone to blame. She had none. Good for you!

Austin.... good for you! Blessings come in all forms and caller ID is that blessing for you! He's probably going to rage. He's not used to it, but all survive the word "no". My own mother doesn't like it, but she found out the other day that her own daughter (me) won't talk to her about my daily life. She found out I went out of town on vacation by my big-mouth aunt. I think she was surprised I didn't tell her. I didn't want the "dramatics" that go along with leaving out of town as we had in the past.

Find the little things to set the boundaries. Eventually the large boundaries will not seem so tough anymore. God bless you all!

Boundaries! My battle cry!! I went down the shore today and was gone from 6:60am until 7:00pm. My mom had 3 different people taking care of her. When I called the last person to see how things were going, she said that mom wanted to know why so many people were here today. What she really meant was, Why isn't Linda here??? Boundaries, free time and self respect! I had a great day. Tomorrow, I am going to a big farmers market, and plan to be gone for hours again. Mom, get used to it!!! On Wednesday, I will take her to a plant shop to buy something for her garden. That will make her happy. Of course, yesterday, when I planted some seeds for her, she had to take a anti anxiety pill because she got herself into such a state. Lissanne, I too have the same problem with my mom, and it is a controlling issue. BE STRONG!! Thanks everyone.
Linda

lovingdaughter... I laugh when I hear you say your mother got herself into such a state.... I so relate to dealing with the behavior. My mom's doctor finally cut my mother off the anti-anxiety pills because she was demanding too many in a day.

Narcissistic behavior takes so long to identify, but man, once its realized, there is such freedom in setting the boundaries and getting on with life guilt free! Good for you lovingdaughter!

I love the fact my mom wants this and wants that, then when I do things promptly, she gets herself so sick with anxiety because I take action too quickly for her she throws a temper tantrum to get my dad all upset. That's a recent stunt for her in the last few years. Gotta love the angles... so nasty behavior, I disappear. THANK GOD she still hasn't "remembered" my phone number. She's trying to piece things together to get answers, but I won't fill in the blanks :) She can make a list for when I'm there every week. She used to call me up to 10x a day prior to the assisted living.

I love my boundaries!! Sometimes challenging to enforce, but definitely worth the effort. :)

stopping elderabuse is great. The sad fact is that most elderabuse is done by family members. Many abusers don't even know that they are - such are family dynamics. I am not sure how appropriate it is on this posting, but I think that everyone needs to look into their own hearts and reflect on the issues that this post has raised.

It is a shame that elderabuse is not given the recognition that it deserves. That goes for emotional, physical and financial. People who would never speak cruelly to a child think nothing of treating their elders with disrespect although many of them have less capacity than a child.

Mitzipinki - you said that your mom's doctor stopped her pills. What kind of anti-anxiety pills were they? Normally discontinuing psych meds is done gradually. That might account for some of her behaviour.

Cat, no offense but my mom's issues are life long and I will not try to explain every web of her issues, med history, pharm abuses, hypochondriac behavior, etc to anyone who thinks they have answers. Sadly there are too many things that intertwine in the formula.

I appreciate the concern. As my husband says to people, spend one week with her then come talk to us.

Mom is a pill seeker. All I will telll you mom has been chipper since my MILs death because she feels she's the center of everyone's universe again. She is on other anti-psychotics, they just removed this one, and I have no doubt they did it properly.

Mitzipinki-how do you deal with her hypochondriac behavior? I am not sure I am doing the right thing by telling I am not going to spend my whole life taking him to unnessary doc visits no more than once every two weeks if he is really sick I will call 911 to take him to the ER- one 9 month period we went to over 100 office visits some were 5-6 a week-he already has a list for when he comes home.

Hey Mitzipinki,
Just got home from a great day out with my best friend and her daughter. Sure mom will be upset some, but there is nothing that I can do about it. We seem to be in the same boat rowing in circles. "Stay strong and remember the boundaries!!". Maybe I will have that tattooed on my arm!!!!! Have a great day, and thanks for all your kind words and prayers.
Linda

Hi everyone, My mother is a hypochondriac as well, I get so sick of hearing it sometimes this is what I do. Oh my, Get Dressed I'll get you over to the ER right away. This usually quells it and she says Oh it's not that bad HELLO..........

Anymore she just waits till she walks by me and moans and groans so I know she's in pain, I am in pain to I use naproxen, night time pain OTC pills, pain relief creams and if it doesn't work I either don't get much sleep or I just keep on trucking. I find it very hard to know I came from that body. When my father was alive it was almost a contest to see who could hurt the worst. I used to tell them can ya find another game to play I'm tired of this one. LOL my father would laugh and say wait until you're my age I'd say I don't have to wait I'm already there thats what I get for working my ass off all my life while the rest of you stayed home and protected the possesions funny they didn't do a good job at that either. Later.

Austin, lovingdaughter, and Neon... I see you all saw the statement about my mother being a hypochondriac. You really would have to factor in the other symptoms of mom to see this whole scenario unfold, but I think you'll get the picture.

I think her hypochondriac ways accelerated shortly after my dad had his stroke (she was no longer the princess). She started coughing up "phlegm" quite frequently. At first it was a few office visits to verify no pneumonia, etc but as time passed, she got so bad, she started calling doctors, having friends bring her to specialists (without my knowing it) and she would call me and start clearing her throat on the phone, say it was just the weather, not to worry about her, etc. My response was always "Okay, I won't". She was floored.

Well about a year ago, she was so ticked off she wasn't getting my attention, she started clearing her throat (now years later) that it was actually sore. She called me one day on my cell phone screaming (now supposedly she said she couldn't breathe) and that I needed to leave work to come home to rush her to the hospital because she couldn't breathe. I was 20-30 minutes away. I said mom I'll call 911 they'll be right there. She started screaming at me again, while clearing her throat and demanding that she needed me there now.

What you also have to understand is that for YEARS, she's been manipulating, using my friends, etc to get me to quit my job for her - she's proven physically healthy. I told her I could not and if she couldn't breathe, 911 should be called. She got so pissed off at me she slammed down the phone. I called 911, gave them the info, and they rushed to the house.

The police called me to say that no one was answering the door and did they have my permission to enter the house and asked for a way in. I told them yes and explained how to enter. They said they would call me right back.

A minute later I get a call from the police that no one was in the home. I mean this is within a 5 minute period in talking to my mother to police being in the home. They said there were indications that she and my father had left the home. I was baffled.

I knew mom wanted to go to a certain hospital, so I ended up calling emergency. Get this.... she called dad's sister who lives 10 houses down from my parents. She hasn't talked to them in YEARS. Had them bring her to the emergency room. Now I didn't find this out until I located her at the ER. My uncle answers the phone and I told him not to let her know he was talking to me. He said something which my mom "heard" conveniently and she started screaming at the top of her lungs. I asked my uncle if things were okay, he was calm, explained. I asked if I needed to be there to get my dad (dad can't be left alone). He told me to take my time. Mom is still screaming in the background for me to get there NOW... and again, supposedly she can't breathe!

When I finally got to the hospital, mom started playing games. Her dear (con-artist friends) were there, etc.... and encouraging mom's behavior. There's a long story in between just at the hospital, but anyway, she complained about her throat and "phlegm" so much, the hospital tracked mom's medical history down (cried wolf for many years) and mom's complaints were still being heard by the staff so they ran tests on her.

Mom had been telling the hospital how she had lung or throat cancer from the pain, etc.... so they scoped her put her under anesthesia, ran esophagus tests, etc. They never found a bleeping thing! She didn't believe them.

Eventually some things happened that a psychiatrist came in and mom was admitted to geriatric psych. Not once but twice (once after she was admitted to AL, which 2nd time anti-psychotic meds started helping her).

Suffice to say, what I'm saying to each of those with a hypochondriac parent, be sure, eliminate any questions, after that... turn a deaf ear. Ask for God's help because you are going to need it. If you don't believe in God, then buy a damn good set of ear plugs!

The beautiful part to this story is my mother did this crying wolf a second time. Only now she was ripping into me when she called me demanding I get to the house. I did go, because I happened to be home. When I arrived at their house, I held open the front door and said, "Let's go, I'm here." She went screaming with her two bags of phlegm she collected and ran into the house that she wasn't going with me. She ended up yelling to my husband, "HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH A WOMAN LIKE HER???" My husband was floored at this behavior. He had never seen it. My father started throwing me out and yelling at me because I was upsetting mom. I asked mom again, "I'm here if you want to go to the hospital now is the time." (I'd had a LOT of practice being calm by this time)

She yelled at me again and told me she was going to call my other aunt (91 years old, still driving), who was 20+ minutes away to come get her. I said, "Fine." I held open the door, did the Vanna White for her to walk out, she refused. I told my husband its time to go... she's acting like a lunatic in the house, and we leave.

I get a call later she's at the hospital. I'm like good for her. I only went to take care of dad (whole other story), and then again she was admitted to geriatric psych.

Pray, pray some more and then breathe while praying again for peace. There is no easy way. But you have to realize when you have done all you can. You have to define when a parent has cried wolf long enough. For those that are looking to figure out an answer... you can't. She is not declared incompetent. She had free will to choose. I was her POA so hospital would call me to verify info, and basically the rest was left to her. Her choice, her doing, her tantrum, her way, her admit to geriatric psych. I didn't have to do a thing other than deal with phone calls, paperwork (annoying tasks).

Do what you can.... we're here to listen. Add this story of being a hypochondriac on top of all mom's other issues you don't have time for, and you see where this is going. :)

Mitzi,
God bless you!!! I know what you are going through. My MIL use to admit herself to the 6th floor of the local hospital ( psych ward) and thought she was the sane one! My poor sister in law put up with her for years. She is a saint and I think you are too. I am not as nice as you; I would have turned off my phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck and we are thinking of you.
Linda

lovingdaugther, truth to be told before all this happened I was THIS close to changing my phone number. My husband couldn't believe I was talking like that. You know what.... too bad. I love mom enough to help her learn to stand on her own two feet even at 78 years old. That's the difference. I'm no saint, I just wanted a life that wasn't so chaotic anymore! Little did I know how her selfish behavior affected every area of my life! Thank God for revelation and healing. Its time to heal.

Mitzipinki,
I believe in Tough Love! I used it in the classroom and I practice it with mom. She really tries to manipulate me sometimes, but she just doesn't get anywhere. It really helps us to coexist much better. One thing I have learned; if mom can do it by herself, I stand back. It gives her a sense of accomplishment and it is one thing less that I have to do for her. I try to put myself in her shoes, but it doesn't always work. I do yell sometimes, but usually wait until I am out of her apartment so that she can't hear me! You are right. It is time to heal. Bless you.
Linda

I cannot believe I "found" (Thank YOU God!!!) this site, let alone This thread! I have NEVER known another as myself. And I have found so many in the same shoes as I. I can't believe it!

I am an only child, husband and I moved my parents in with us over a year ago. We've been killing ourselves ever since. I Finally decided to go away for the weekend (haven't had a day "off" in over 3 months) b/c I am on the verge of going over the edge.

Mom......the hypo all my life who now has some real life health issues. She has never been happy, and she treats me badly, is positively ungrateful. Both she and Dad have been in the hospital in the past 3 months and in rehab after.

Today, we went to the drs b/c of her "severe" pain (she fell again, two days ago) and her pt thought I should get her checked out. I know the MO, but will Not have them think I am neglecting anything. Oh yes:) I am also a nurse, but work only enough to keep my license. So away we went, and I even tried to get her admitted. No luck. Home health services will increase. She is happy being in bed and catered to. I won't...I bought frozen meals (she is PICKY, diabetic on loads of insulin)...fridge is full. She and Dad can manage.

Me, I think I won't come home. Husband will be here working on an outdoor project. He and I will go away in two weeks, God willing that Mom won't "get sick" as she often does. If she doesn't, she will go off on me at some point in the future, telling me how she does everything here she did at her house. Really? I cook, clean, drive, appts, shop, fill rx's........on it goes. I'm EXHAUSTED, was diagnosed with cancer in Dec. I had surgery, came home to have to clean floors etc.

I'm going to welcome this, will be back when I am not so exhasuted:) Bless each one of you!

This place is a blessing.
So the rallying cry BOUNDARIES is working. Last night she was actually civil to me and I stayed cool and she asked me why I was being so distant and quiet. I explained that I didn't like being yelled at and she swore she never yelled at me (insert eye rolling here). I didn't argue I let it go. I will blame it on the dementia that no one says she has but that I see everyday. I let her know that I was going out of town next weekend and I would not board the dog if she was uncomfortable with being there alone and she said yes please leave the dog
(100 lbs german shepherd) VICTORY is mine. She didn't yell scream or make me feel like I was imposing or mistreating her in any way. Unbeknowst to her there will be a STREAM of people checking on her and one friend's older grandchild will be staying the night. This church friend will convince her that this is all her idea of course. Thank GOD for her church friends who love her in spite of herself. Its funny now all the holy hell that was raised when I told her we were going out of town and she didn't have to stay to take care of the dog she could go to a friend's house ( I was following her instructions) Now its all like no big deal after I suffered for a week.

I sympathize with you all. I was lucky that my mom was very sweet most of the time. She was kinda mean to my daughter who she was closest too. She would accuse her of stealing from her (her teeth and glasses) etc. My daughter is a Downs child so it was hard for her to understand why grandma would accuse her of these things. Mom would never complain tho. Sometimes I wished she would. When she was constipated she wouldn't say so. The last 6 months when she couldn't take care of any of her own needs I knew but before she wouldn't tell me. She has been gone 2 months and I miss her. It is so hard being a caregiver for a loved one. I don't know what I would have done without this site. Everybody needs to be able to vent and know you are alone. Vent away guys........but find something to smile about or you'll go crazy!!

Dear HeavyLoad:
You don't say anything about yourself - are YOU in danger of injury if you tried to pick up an adult who's fallen? Are YOU becoming ill due to stress because of this situation? Often caregivers suffer MORE stress than the patient/elder. You can't sacrifice your own health and mental stability to continue to care for an aging parent. You must approach this from a safety stand point - is there a danger to you or your parent? Does she need more help than you can provide? If the answer to ANY of these is yes, then moving her is justified. They begin to act like kids and will make you feel guilty because you want to move them; their intent is not malicious they just want to be "home".


My mother (88) lived with my brother - they were both fine with the arrangement - until my brother had a slight stroke a few months ago. I wanted to move mom for about 1 year since arthritis began getting bad and she needed help preparing meals. The stroke was the last straw...I acted quickly to move mom - and she protested long and hard, she's still protesting - BUT, my brother was getting older (63) and deserved his freedom as well.

It was tough but I approached it from the stand point of safety for mom and my brother - I wanted them BOTH to be safe. How can they argue? My brother has since realized a great sense of relief to be free to leave for a few hours and not rush home to ensure Mom's okay. Also - Mom is more alert and feeling better because she gets good food and her medications on a regular basis.

I feel lots of guilt because I don't have mom live with me and I hear her complaints about food, helpers, lack of company, bad view, anything.... I've shed a lot of tears but after she asks me the same thing for the 3rd time in the same conversation, I realize that she can't take care of herself. You've got to look for similar things - be realistic - and tell yourself over and over what her physical limitations are; it will help you remember that full time care is best.
Good luck

Yes,BOUNDARIES! and taking care of yourself are so important! Mom doesn't know that we are going away in two weeks, but we are! She will have to grin and bear it. I have one of her caregivers who she likes staying for the weekend, so that should make it better for her and for me. I won't worry knowing that she is in good hands. Keep your parents on their own for as long as you can. You know when it is time to take them in or find a facility. We who care have guilt when we don't do everything for the ones who we love. My brother will have no guilt because he doesn't even know who he is such a disappointment. You all are the blessed ones.
Linda

LynnPO, you did exactly the right thing. You'll feel guilt, but it is unearned and you know it. You (and your brother) are still caregivers, but your mom is safe and getting what you can't give her - 24/7 care and the physical help. She will complain as long as she sees it works to make you feel bad.

Natually, she's rather be with you or on her own. She'd rather not be in the physical shape she's in, also. But, reality is what it is. You are making sure she is cared for and your brother has to take care of himself, or you'll be caring for him as well.

Keep up the wisdom, talk it out and try to detach from your mother's complaining. She has a right to complain, but you don't have to internalize it.

Take care,
Carol

It has taken 48 years, and almost a nervous breakdown to realize that I can care for my mother in my home but can also have a life. She controlled me through shame and guilt and I am now cutting the umbilical cord that should have been severed 28 years ago. I work full-time and rush home so that the caregiver that replaces me for 8 hours can go home. I don't do anything fun because she can't and I had given up. Last night, we hired a sitter and I went out with my husband for a couple of hours. She was furious, had a "tantrum" and barely ate. As I rest in bed reading these articles I gain strength and know that I will have a price to pay today only if I allow it. I don't expect appreciation or strokes from her even though I will spend most of my day caring for her. I pray that God helps me take these baby steps to gain control of my life for the first time. My grown daughters and husband are very supportive and I have had to seek therapy. She is unhappy and "drowning" and wants me there with her. I hate that I've waited until she's in this state where she is dependent on me to claim my right to be happy. I feel a mix of anger, resentment, guilt and anxiety in dealing with her. I love and care for her but have come to understand that I need to love and care for me too. It's embarrassing to admit that emotionally I have been 10 years old regarding this relationship. Please pray that I make good choices in caring for both of us and also for the rest of the family.

Hi Carmen1tn, Welcome, You are in the same boat as many of us. Most are trying to stay afloat as you are. You are doing the right thing to think of you and your hubby and family. Without you where would they all be? It is very difficult now you feel the guilt, anger, resentment I do believe that's all natural. One person on this site always talks about boundries and that's what you need to do, set them. It is your home and your rules. That is not being unkind to your Mom, if you don't set them it's being unkind to you. God Bless and keep in touch here these people are amazing they are very knowledgeable and caring, take care now

carmen1tn, God bless you for your choice and start to heal. There is so much FREEDOM in boundaries! There is nothing wrong with setting limits and enjoying your life as well as providing for her. Don't be embarrassed.

After 40 years, I am just learning that God designed me in a way that has been stifled for 40 years. Feel the emotions, but do not let them control you. That's the difference. You have choices that you personally must make. Your mother has made choices of her own that are causing her to "drown" and she's trying to take down the ship. Do not feel bad because you need help to get through this process. Counseling can be (altho not always) a wonderful thing. Tools to help deal with the extremes are great.

Emotional tools are helpful in dealing with the extreme behavior that has led us to live in a co-dependent relationship. I cannot stand my mother, but I love her enough to provide her the help she needs without dragging me into her lifestyle anymore and do that caregiving with excellence. The road to healing is an incredible journey and not an easy one. The tools I have been given with the Godly wisdom from an incredible counselor have provided me ways to understand and to heal. When I walked back into my counselor's door (after 10 years of not needing him), I said "I need to get peace at all costs." I was serious. Little did I know what God would do to help that process along.

Micheleangel, just a word.... I am looking to soar far above, I am not looking to stay afloat. That floating left me dancing with mom's emotional control for far too long. Somewhere, somehow in life, the word boundaries became a taboo word. Yes, boundaries... God's second gift to us for real FREEDOM!

I also just want to pass a word of caution on to all. Having an extreme dysfunctional parent is different than the elder disease of the mind. It is a fine line in dealing with dysfunction vs. elder mental decline, at least when I talk about it. Sometimes its just the disease, sometimes its a lifetime of dysfunction. Please be careful in how we talk about our loved ones. Not everyone is dysfunctional but as a caregiver, there is a whole batch of burdens and emotional drains that make caregiving very difficult. Sometimes those lines can blur very easily. Love them enough to put boundaries in place to help them obtain their independence. If then they choose not to, that's their choice.

God bless all of you!

Carmen1tn,
Welcome aboard! Take a life raft and hang on. We all know what it is like to care for a loved one and we are on your side! My mom would love for me to never go anywhere, but the boundaries I set when she moved in worked. Stick to them, go out with your husband and be happy .You sound as if you have a great family that supports you. Keep coming back to this site. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. MindingOurElders, Mitzipinki , Micheleangel, and the others have sound advice. Again, Welcome!
lovingdaughter

Dear Heavyload,
Please don't feel guilty for your feelings. They are absolutely valid and common. Have you tried visiting an assisted living facility or a small rest home? I find that with situations like yours, a noninstitutionalized placement is very sucessfull for both parties. Hope it helps.

Dear Heavyload,
Try looking at senior apartments, most have activiteis, dinners every so often , day trips ect. Most elderly would enjoy the company their age. That is except my mom!! I understand, sometimes you just have to sit down and tell them the truth, plus did they care for their parents? most did not. Frazzled

frazzled is right. I remind my mom that she did very little for her mom, so why is it my job to care for her.. I do because I live her, but not because it is my job! I leave Friday for a great 3 day weekend. Have not even told her yet! My brother is giving me a hard time about taking mom for 4th of July. Too bad for him. I switch places with him any day!

that is a really good point my parents never did a thing for their parents except take just different kind of people want everything done their way without lifting a finger. don't ya just love it??