I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Frazzled,

Thanks for the advice. I have tried to get my mom to participate in Adult Day Care, but she refuses to go. She just wants to stay in the house and watch TV. My husband and I went on a short vacation in May and put her in an Assisted Living facility for respite care. It was a total disaster and we came home early. She refused to participate in anything, only came out of her room for meals because the staff told her she had to and made herself physically ill. My mother thinks everyone in these facilities "is old". You are right, she did not have to care for either of her parents because they passed away before that every became necessary. My husband and I are now in counseling to help us make the decision to place her. It is so hard, but she is driving us crazy and we feel we need our lives back. I am almost 62 and my husband is almost 68. We would like some time to do things with each other before health prevents us from doing this.

You need to get tough. I know how that sounds, but facts are facts. If all she wants to do is sit in her house and watch tv, LET HER! If you fix weekly dishes she can freeze or usually a senior center will deliver meals on wheels, if she chooses to eat them great, if not, tell her yu will have the local person come who checks to see if a person qualifies for a nursing home, and they do have to come, they will alwys say they qualify, and then SHE not you are making the decision. By the way she won when she got you to return early from you vacation. You're a softy!! God love you but you shoud'nt have came home early. You could have called her, had the nurse check her, the facility take her to the physican or have him come in , but do not come home, unless, sadly she passed away. You will never get a vacation otherwise, she will always pull this, always!! You must have an understanding family, and husband. You're young and have the chance to renew a relationship with you hubby, have fun, the kids are grown!! Live it up, get crazy, fall in love again with your guy. Mine did not understand, I chose wrong, now I'm alone, please do not do that. Ever try to find a desent guy at 62, well it isn't easy girl , so keep the one you have. Your mother has lived her life, you live your's. Can you tell I had a bad day with my little darling mother yesterday!! And she's already yelling at me this A.M Please don't do what I did. You love your husband and enjoy him and your family. Frazzled

Great job, you go girl. Stick to your guns, do not give a number where you can be reached, you call if you feel the need to check on the cond;. of your mom. Neonwocky, thats what most think, it doesn't mean you don't love them but they have lived your life, I just told them I lost my husband by choosing to care for my mom, now granted, I now know I did'nt lose much, but here I am 62 and alone trying to find a decent man. You're young, fall in love with you husband again if you have one. If you don't go have a great time. Remember they have lived their lives, I believe our jobs are to see they get good care, love them, but you can't live your life for them or you'll wake up and you'll be them. I won't do that to my kids, I told them I will go to a nursing home and be the patient from heck!!! frazzled

A nursing home is not always the only choice. Have you checked into any assisted living facilities? Depending on her financial situation, she may be very happy at one of these.
I would start out by getting some informational brochures for her and then maybe suggest a day or two to go visit some of them.
Explain to your mom that you love her very, very much and that you want her to be happy. But also be very honest with her in a kind way about your feelings.

To heavyload,
frazzled is Fabulous!!! She is so right. You caved when you came home! I understand the pull she has on you, but you must set---BOUNDARIES--- Don't let her manipulate you. She eats, fine. She doesn't, too bad. I know that this sounds harsh, but remember what a tantrum is?? We all pulled them we were 2. Our parents , in so many ways, are 2 again. By the way, how many of us are 62??? Me too, soon. and I want my life back. My mom is really very good when I talk to her honestly, but she can still be difficult at times, especially when she thinks my good for nothing brother is a saint! Good luck!!
Linda

some parents have little or no income and some of us are living paycheck to paycheck so some of us have to bring the parent in some parents feel more secure living in a childs home than going to a strange place. Yes we have our purpose in life and sometimes that purpose is to take care of our parents. We may not like it all the time that doesn't mean we don't care.
Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was
disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with
the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over
your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life ......it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'

Yes, there is a very easy way. I did it with my dad. I just told him that I cannot take care of him anymore. I found a Domestic Care Home for him close to my home and he is happy. The emotions that you are feeling are all your emotions not your mother's. Break the umbilical cord. It is not that hard. There are Domestic Care Homes and not Nursing Homes please look into them..

Domestic Care Homes?? I will look into that. I may need it someday!! Thanks.
Linda

Domestic Care homes generally take two to six elders and are residential in nature. We even have a rural one for folks who from farms who want to go out and garden on a big scale and such. If you can't find any on your own, ask your aging services folks if they can guide you.
Carol

What is old is new- when I was a kid my grasndma worked for a women who bought a large home for her family and took in elders-in those days OLD PEOPLE and I also worked for the lady she was a nurse and had about 4 people live there some were bedriden and some were able to drive but not able to take care of all their needs and it was great I aways wished that would come back of course in my state there would be so many regulations that it would not be possible but it would be a great thing to combine those who need care and those who are older but able to help care for others and Domestic Care homes sound fantastic-I am going to bring that up to our elected officials one I met last fall was a caregiver for her Mom and had no idea health care for older folks was so lacking in our county until she had to face it as a caregiver herself and she did win the election. I am so glad there are places like that I am friends with the women who took in elders and can not wait to tell her about this-our 50th high school reunion is coming up this summer and will see her then,

rereading it it was the womens daughter that I was in school with and her mother passed away a number of years ago unfortunately there was no place like she had at that time and she had to go into a nursing home her daughter was a widow and was working two jobs but did go into the nursing home daily to feed her mother her supper and she was an only child and her Dad had passed away years before then.

Thanks to everyone for your help and replies. I have found an Assisted Living facility near our home and my mother has agreed to live there. I did take her on a tour of the facility and her room before she agreed. It was awful telling her that I could no longer have her in my home, but I had to do this for my sanity. My husband and I will be moving her in this week. I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. I do think this was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life!! Again, thanks to all of you for your help and support at this difficult time in all of our lives.

Good for you! And you will be fine trust me! she will have so many more social interactions and make friends. You can only watch Judge Judy so long !!! Enjoy your life and she will be fine. A Place for Mom

After she adjusts she will be fine-there comes a time you just have to say I can not do it anymore-I got to that point I kept waiting for others to day it and my threapist at the time said you are waiting for someone to rescue you and it is not going to happen so aaI did say this last time after 16 or so times in rehab-I can not do this any longer and I got support from others right away and even my husband finally said he could no longer be at home-and it was such a relief for me that heavy weight was lifted off me- my husband did pass away brfore he was on medicaide but was covered by insurance until the day he went into the hospital for the last time so only had to pay for his last bedhold at the nursing home. Many caregivers die before the ones they are caring for more than 30% my lawyer said it was 60%

Dear heavyload, congratulations. This is good to hear. Now you can concentrate on other things in your life, and know that your mom is safe, fed, cared for, and within visiting distance. I did the same for my dad recently, and he is much better, and he and I have a better relationship so far, and now he looks forward to seeing us now. Now you can change your name from heavyload to lightload LOL. Take care all!

heavyload,
Congrats to you. I am sure your mom will adjust and you have just added years to your own life.
Linda

I'm getting ready to move my mom into a Assited Living Facility. I've been taking care of mom for 10 yrs in her home. In Jan.09 move her into mine after a fall. I can't do this anymore and moving her. I'm so tired of being agitated or frustated with my mom. And she is most of the time so gouchy and negative. Just can't listen to it day after day.
We've talked about Assited Living just don't know if she is grasping what we are talking about. And sometimes she says she is living at home til she dies. Which now she thinks my home is her and i'm living with her. And sometimes she remember its mine.
For those of you that have moved them to Assited Living. How did it go? The one i'm moving mom to has a memory care unit. I'm afraid she will not adjust or cause alot of problems for them.
I'm telling her that the dr. wants her to go there for a couple of weeks to help with her back and physical therapy. But she say nothing wrong with her.
Just wanting to know how it went for some of you. Did it work out and they adjusted. And how did u feel. I'm feeling guilt, let her down because i just couldn't do it anymore. Failing, because i just couldn't do it anymore etc....
Any advice is welcomed or ideals on how to make it work. Or how to help her fill comfortable with the move once there. Anything.

Thanks, Elaine

There is a period of adjustment but listen to the community and if they ask you to stay away for a few days do so. They know how to take care of her and if she is grouchy they can handle it. They do this everyday. The consistency of the Memory Care community will make her days better and the social interactions and care will be a good thing for her.
You have to do what is good for you, she would understand if she was in her right mind. She loves you and would want the best for you. Now she is not herself and it will progress and there is no reason to feel like you are doing something wrong. I have been there and it is hard, but Elaine you have a life too.

Do not ask me to remember.
Don't try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you're with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I'm confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can't help the way I'm acting,
Can't be different 'though I try.

Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'till my life is done.

- Unknown

HeidiD: Thanks for the words. It helps to hear from People have gone thru this and how it turned out.
I just want her to be in a comfortable place, and be happy as much as possible.
I want to enjoy mom not be so upset and agitated and as frustated as she is.
I know in some part this is what she would want me to do. She has said so in times that she was thinking clearly. It is just hard to turn your mom over to others to care for her.I just didn't want to let her down or The Good Lord down, on my responiblities of care for her.
I have experiences alot of dieases. But dementia/Alz. has been the worsed. There is no way to describe to people what it is like unless they have been there.
I enjoyed the poem. I want to be her daughter again and not her caregiver. I can enjoy her again.
Thanks again. Elaine

Dear elaine, you will be doing the right thing for the both of you.  I moved my dad into a ALF, just over a month ago and he is doing great.  He has made new friends, and now goes on field trips, and socializes as best he can even with his limitations having alzheimers/dementia.  He and I have a much better relationship now, and he looks forward to seeing me and the rest of the family.  While living at my home, he just sat like a vegetable on the couch everyday, and was very grouchy, and a lot of times unresponsive or resistant to my efforts of keeping him active or socializing.  Now, he is much better.  My family life is much better, I feel less stress, and don't feel as if I am going to lose control everyday.  I can concentrate on other things like my children, and husband.  You too, can do this.  Yes, I even felt guilty, like I was sending my child away.  If you did not have all these feelings about this, you would not be human.  Will you still worry? The answer is yes. Will you feel guilty? The answer is yes. But if you feel she is going to a comfortable, caring environment, then you will feel better about is within a few weeks. Good luck to you, and all of us are here for you.

Elaine, I moved my parents last August into assisted living. At that time it was a move that really had no choice (too long a story to tell). The facility told me it takes approximately three months to get adjusted.

Being that mom is dysfunctional to the hilt, she is just now starting to slightly adjust after eight months. With dad's slow decline with Alzheimer's she gets depressed at each new level of decline.

But be prepared for possible phone calls, adjustments, and so forth. It will change, but it will be hard for both of you for a bit.

Life will get more calm, and make sure you have some advocates for you within the assisted living. That helps tremendously!! It will help with her visits and she will discover friends and if the staff is worth their weight, they will make it so nice for her. They can approach her with a different perspective than you can, which also makes the conversion a little easier.

Nauseated: I'm so glad it has gone so well with your dad. I'm praying that mom will do the same. That has really up lifted me to hear your story.

Mitzipink: I also look for the phone calls. Just praying they are mininum. She is so struck to my hip. Other than her going to day care was all we had. If i got out of her site to long she was wondering where i was.

I think this is going to be like your kids they will do better for others....lol

Thanks for advice, Elaine

Elaine, my father (with Alzheimer's) works much better with others than with me. Its this taking care of family thing he has that a daughter should not take care of the family. So my father is much happier in his new surroundings. Fortunately I was able to get him in just before a little more decline. He has learned his routine and it helps him greatly.

As for mom... well, all I can say is she just is what she is. She gave up manipulating the staff to get my attention. I will not give her my phone number (since she forgot). She's adapting, but being she's lived a life of self-absorbed and gets depressed if things do not go her way, I've had to adjust my emotions accordingly.

There will be an adjustment period, and if your assisted living facility is like mine, I had to fill out questionnaires as thick as an inch regarding their routines, their likes/dislikes, hobbies, bathing routine, etc. They try to make the new place like home but with assistance. That is exactly how it should be. I was able to stress the importance of some issues with mom that they have come to discover, and so all is good in the land. I see her for a "very short" time every week, and that is all. I have no guilt over her position and I know she is well taken care of. I could not provide that for her.

Do your best. Breathe. Pray. Exhale. You will both get through this.

Mom said today that she does not want me to sacrifice my life for her. All well and good. Then she said "How much money do I have left"? So much for wanting to move out. The money is always the bottom line. I don't want to put her in a nursing home, but when we go away this winter, she may have to go for 3 weeks. I hate the cold weather and want to go see my daughter in Texas. I am retired and we have the best years ahead of us. I won't let her take that away from me.

Don't ya just love mothers? I saw mine today and she's sitting up for once and says, "Sabrina, I want you to tell me seriously... do you think I have a brain tumor with my dizziness?"

I couldn't even hold it back. I said, "What the hell made you come up with that?" Then no sooner does she ask that and she asks me if she can get my phone number. I flat out told her no. She asks me about what if its an emergency? I told her that there are many people here that can evaluate her first and rush her to the hospital if necessary then call me. I'm done with the crying wolf act and she was not going to call me 15 times a day. I also told her I'd call her during the week, but she doesn't answer her phone.

I'm sorry her sister is gone and she has no one to talk to, but she created this mess, not me. It was pretty pathetic actually. I can tell dad is going downhill too. Poor thing. What a horrible disease. Just breaks my heart but the administration tells me just how wonderfully happy he is around everyone and just makes them all smile and laugh. I'm so glad to hear that! Makes me know I have both of them well cared for.

God bless hon!

mitzi,
Do you think that there is special place for us in heaven? One with no phones, diapers, or good- for -nothing siblings? I sure hope so!!!! Glad your dad seems happy. I guess that is all we can ask for at this time in their lives. Just wish, sometimes, there was a thank you that went along with the " I want". Keep up the good work and spirits high!

Linda

You simply tell your mother that it is NOT working out for you and that she is no longer welcome to share your household - she will have to make other arrangements. You are not obligated to allow anyone to live in your house who is over the age of 18. Don't let her "guilt" you into it! It will be your undoing.

Dear lovingdaughter, there's a mansion waiting for you in heaven. You have a light heart, and good attitude in spite of your circumstances. You're doing a great job!

Mitzi, sorry to hear your Dad is declining. Does your Mom really have dizziness? (Or just another ploy?) Hope you're hanging in there!

Take care, all!

Well mom has been in Assited Living with Memory Care unit for a week now, and she is doing great. I've been able to go see her twice now, and it has been great. She thinks she is at home.
She is going to the activities (which i knew she would).
The staff said they wish all the residents adjust like her. This has been such a blessing for her and me. Now i can enjoy her more, and be the daughter and not the caregiver. I was so afraid she would not adjust well, but she has. I just praise the Lord Jesus for all of it.
I have been coming out of the fog and feel i can be a better avocate for her now.

Blessing for all, Elaine

Elaine, what a blessing! Isn't it a relief to lift that burden off your shoulders, and find a nurturing place for your loved one? Thanks for sharing your story, and your light!