I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Guilt is a tough one. As an eldercare professional, I certainly meet my share of guilty adult children of elderly parents. I have an elderly parent myself and my professional objectivity goes out the window when the elder belongs to me. For what it is worth, I am going to offer my personal philosophy on guilt. Take it for what it is worth or throw it out with the trash. Here goes:
"Guilt is a worthless emotion. If you plan to do something about whatever it is you are feeling guilty about, there is no need for guilt. If you are not going to do anything about whatever is causing you guilt, why would you bother to waste energy on feeling guilty for something you have no intention of changing?" Aside from my personal perspective on guilt, please talk to a trusted, supportive and objective professional about your feelings (clergy, social worker, mental health counselor, etc). My prayers are with you.

Thanks so much for your support. I have come to realise that I can't make everything better without help and I certainly can't make dad better behaved. We have to look at the good things in life and hope they outway the bad. It's hard and I try to improve my outlook on life. I am getting support from my family and we have decided to look into him going in a care home, social services and doctors have agreed to help in any way they can. I'm going to take all the help I can get and then live a life myself. Its taken me along time to say this out loud, that I can't cope and I need help. Lots of hugs and kisses to all of you carers . xxx

I no longer feel guilt. I can keep mom for about 1 more year and then she will be too far gone for me to do the job correctly. Honest about the facts, not guilt ridden about my promise to dad when he died. Can't lift her -she is too fat( and no- that is not cruel, just honest); can't stop her from falling- not strong enough. I don't want her to get hurt because he waited too long. She will need professional help soon and I am wise enough to know this. This point in my life did not come easily- it took much soul searching on my part. It is all about her and not my guilt or my love for her. Rther it is about what is best for her.

Sending hugs and prayers for both of you for all you do, and for your loved ones, too!

Sister,
Someone is coming to look at the house, dropped the price. Keep your fingers crossed!!!!!!!
Linda

Praying!

My mom has a paid for home about 6 hours away from me and I am really thinking of gettin a uhaul and loading all her worthless crap in to it and dumping her off again there and having the power cut on and just say I can't know more.. I can't take this any more. She is the meanest, most backstabbing woman i have ever met.

2old,
We all know how you feel. Is there a way that you can get away for a while? Respite care is great and many states have programs where your relative can go for an extended week. Even if you don;t go anywhere, tell her you are. Then you can relax at home. recharge and rethink your situation. It is getting very close to the time that my mom can't stay with us. After 4 years, she is starting to not listen and do some really dumb things. She has been walking around with her disposable underwear around her knees if I don't
respond quick enough to her call for help. I am not jumping to her commands and she has been warned. If she breaks a hip , she is gone. You will know when it is time to change your situation. When you know, don't ignore your thoughts. We all can't do this for very long. Good luck and look for a way to get that break you need.
Linda

Loving-may I ask why you still have your Mom at home with you? You must be much younger then me, My Mom has been in a NH for about 6 months.
She gets very good care, do you not have good NH's where your at?
I'm not being mean, but I do know that it takes it's toll on caregivers, still being in a NH does not get rid of the concern but they are trained to do their job and I feel relieved that she can't hurt herself there.
I go see her every other day and I'm trying to take a bit better care of myself.
After years of Mom care, I lost friends and even my sisters, as they stayed away from us.
NH's don't solve everything but at least I can sleep through the night.God bless you and take care.

Sleeping through the night is no small thing when you have been a caregiver or being allowed to stay in bed when you are sick.

Nance,
I am 62 and feeling it. I do have lots of help, but she is getting to the point that she needs more care than I can give her. As soon as we sell our house, we are going to move her with us. Probably within 1 year, she will be in a NH. We don't want to uproot her more than we have to, so we are waiting until we move. Just pray we sell our house. That 55 and over community is calling me!!!!!!

my situation is slightly different in that my mother is definitely and very suddenly going to need tomove in with us or go into a NHS care home. So she hasn't yet been in one. She is I think a sociopath - she is the bright spark of the conversation when strangers are here; but within the family she is destructive and manipulative. How can I therefore put us all (husband - greatly criticised by mother - and our teenage daughters - also sometimes hurt by her- and me who is in her grip yet loathing us both for it) into this dreaded situation where she lives with us? I am aware that no-one has the answer - it's just good to tell.

Ducie, It is hard enough taking care of someone who raised you lovingly and unconditionally. Your situation would be next to intolerable! Don't do this to your family, unless you are prepared for the consequences. Begin br reading past posts from the "grossed out thread". Many of these people are caring for abusive parents. They could give you better advice on the subject.

Ducie, In total agreement with Deefer12. You must think of your family. I knew long ago that my mother would not live with us. She knows this also and has come to terms with it. I love her and want to care for her but as my husband says: "You are like two cats in a box & would claw each others eyes out". We both chuckle but know he is right.
The consequences could be devastating. You must be realistic, and although you WANT to care for her...........It could end VERY badly.
PLEASE think it through.

My mother-in-law moved in with us after having a stroke 1.5 years ago. Since that time she ahs fallen approximately 17 times. We had her in a nursing home and she fell there 6 times. We took her back out of the nursing home (when she falls, at least someone is around and cares).Now she is living with us once again and I am miserable. HOwever, to lighten thte load, I found an Adult Day care Center. I take her there 4 mornings a week and she is there until 5pm everyday. She is fed a hot meal, exercises, socializes and gets a shower twice a week. And it is affordable care. Once a week we have someone come in for 5 hours. This companion takes my MIL to the stores, does her laundry, cleans the commode and changes her bed sheets. This has made our life much more bearable. I suggest you call the Dept. of Aging in your area to locate a Day Center. Good Luck!

I am in a situation. I let my mom come live with me and my husband and she has been here 8 months and it's driving me insane! Both of my grown children finally moved out and now I have my 90 yr old mother because my brother backed out taking her and I felt sorry for her. I quit my job to take care of her but started working part time again to get out of the house, but when I come home, she just wants me to sit in the room with her. I can't have a conversation with her because she can't hear. My husband works nights and when he is home, we can't even watch a movie together because she insists on sitting in the living room with us. We have a tv in her room, but she will not go in there because she says she likes to be around us. AHHHHHH My brother never gives me a break by taking her a weekend nor does her brother & his wife that only live 5 minutes from me...and they are such "the Christians", ya know...Yeah right! She has taken over my recliner and I either have to sit or lay on the couch, which kills my back, and if I go outside...here she comes looking for me. I just can't get away or never feel like I ever just have any me time. Then when I get aggravated, she starts singing some religious song or gets her bible out and starts reading it. Tonight, she was talking to herself saying how mean I am to her. DOESN'T SHE REALIZE I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES EVERYTHING FOR HER? I'm tired of her trying to make me feel guilty and draining the life out of me! I noticed I am dying my hair more often too. lol She lived 2 hrs away from St. Louis and says if she has to go in a nursing home, she wants to go back there. God, I am ready to make that call! Our friends quit coming over and we rarely go out because we feel bad leaving her by herself. Thoughts please......

Our parents gave life to us. When we cryed, they comforted us, when we were sick they didn't rest until we were well, when we kept them up all night crying as baby's for different reasons they went sleepless, when we needed diapers they changed them. When you were hungry you were feed thirsty you got a drink. When sick you were brought to Dr. so you could get better. Do you think they felt guilty if you needed a needle with medicine and it made you cry. Does anyone think they questioned... why me?... I don't deserve this?... I could be having fun, this child is ruining my life, someone else should be doing this instead of me. Our parents did what ever the cost to provide a safe, healthy, quality of life to the best of thier abilities or none of us would be here. Doing what you need to, to provide a safe, healthy, good quality of life for your parent should not be viewed as a burden, no matter what the sacrifice. I remember when I was 5yrs old being hospitalized for 3 weeks with pneomonia. I nearly died, in those days my my brother and sister couldn't visit and parents couldn't stay at night. I cryed and screamed every night when they left. I couldn't understand why I was being seperated from family and that's all I wanted but being in hospital was what I needed. I am pretty sure my parents never questioned why this was a burden on them or the treatment that I needed, just did what they needed to do to keep me alive. I just hope when I get to be elderly and need help someone is there for me, like I am for my Mom now, and my parents were there for me always. I would much rather go thru the struggle now than live with myself knowing that I didn't do everything I could have. That would be a greater and much longer burden to deal with.

Can someone say LONELY? A life bad life decision shouldnt be the end all. He is human, after all. If he's able to live in a hotel on his own, try helping him find an apartment with other seniors, make his transition an easier one- you aren't cutting him out of your life,you just don't want him to live with you. He is still your dad, and unfortunately, it's all the bad times we remember most vividly when they pass. This doesn't ave to be so horrible. If everyone is telling him he isn't welcome can you imagine how lonely he is. Youve done so much already, and only you know your heart. But just because you stood up for yourself ( good for you) doesn't mean you don't care anymore. You are posting here- that means you're not finished yet.

I disagree with "wuvsicecream." Our parents CHOSE to bring us into the world - none of asked to be born. It is cruel and selfish for a parent to bring a child into the world in the "hopes" that it will care for us in our old age. It is also unfair for society or family members to "lay the guilt trip" on us because we have no interest (or no ability) to have an elderly parent move in with us. In addition, some elderly people are not nice people; they are manipulative, demanding and selfish - they were probably that way when they were younger A person's basic nature does not change. No one deserves to be emotionally abused by a family member, even it is the elderly parent. Help them find an assisted living place or nursing home when the time comes. But don't allow your life to be ruined by your elderly parent. Sometimes the adult child just has to put their foot down.

You are under NO obligation to have your elderly parent live with you. Put your foot down and simply inform her that you will NOT have her living at your place any more. If she will not go to a nursing home or assisted living, then she is being selfish and inconsiderate of your family and household.

to botkinlk57: It sounds like you are being held hostage by your own mother. If she is able to follow you outside and invade into your life in every way, she can live by herself. You might want to check into senior housing--usually based on income, so it's affordable. Also check into assisted living. She will have friends, freedom and medical care there. My mom is in assisted living and has made lots of friends, but can go to her room and be away from the other residents when she wants to. Does your mother qualify for Medicaid? In Missouri, Medicaid pays about $300 per month toward a room and board of about $1400. Her social security makes up most of the rest. If your sibs have jobs, they can contribute monthly for her additional expenses. If they wont come for a family meeting, start a conversation by e-mail, forwarding to everyone. You are the victim here because you are the one that caved. I agree that some elderly get very unreasonable. She may have a little dementia by now. I have been through that. It can wipe out any loving feelings you have had for your parent when they threaten to have you arrested and call you a liar. I love my mom but she will not be living with me. I am sending strength and hope to you. Di

I don't want mom to live with me any more either. The decision was made to bring her here because she had fallen and could only go to a nursing facility. Assisted living required her to be more mobile. She had been rapidly decling from Parkinson's and I thought I could give her the best quality of life for her last months. It is now 3 1/2 years later and she is doing very well although still unable to qualify for ALF. I have spent the last few months looking at options. I have found a place that I believe will be good for her. I basically gave her the information and said, I want the best for you but we have to look at the long term. I want you to think about where you would want to live and we are going to make decisions to move that way. I would strongly advise that no one take in a parent unless you are really ready for the long haul. Caregiving for someone for 3-6 months is one thing, 5-10 years is very different. Stats show that most caregivers believe this is a short term gig that in truth averages about 7 years. I think alot of the postings on this site show that it is not healthy. We resent our parents, our deadbeat siblings etc. Caregivers have increased depression and stress related illness. I certainly don't intend to abandon my mom. My husband and I will continue to be responsible and over see her care. But it is very hard to reverse the course once the parent is in your home. I do think some caregiving can be very rewarding and if families work together the burden is much lighter. But those caregivers aren't on this site looking for support. I am glad I was able to give mom the quality of care she has had for the last years, but I am also ok with moving a different direction now. I love my mom but she will not be living with me. I like that line, alot.

I will have to agree with dragonflower on their statement. My mother has always told me to make sure I have kids to make sure there is someone to take care of me when I get older and that is what she expects from me. That is wrong. That is not the reason why anyone has children. The problem is my mother and I have never gotten along. That is truly by her choice and her narcissistic behavior. I was adopted and not conceived by "choice". But I was adopted by a family who treasured me, but mom had her own mental issues and that is something that has been a problem between us all our lives. Now it has left her in a position of being alone. I still provide for her, but not in the way many choose to do.

If there truly are problems in the relationship, do not take on a task like caregiving out of guilt. Do it because you treasure them as a human being and you want to see them enjoy what they can out of their life. I thank God that dad worked and saved correctly to provide the assisted living that he and mom now live in and can maintain that lifestyle. Because I can honestly say, I would not be caring for my mother or my father. They are too difficult for an only child to handle.

drangonflower You certainly have the right to disagree with what I posted. I'll tell you a bit about my family. I am the baby of three, I have got a brother 6 years older, and a sister 3 years older. My brother is mentally disabled. I don't think my parents chose that for thier first born. My sister is very well edjucated and I always went with street smarts and I am happy. My mother told me my father didn't want me, I wasn't supposed to happen, I was a "blackout baby" from 1965 blackout in NY. I was born in 66. (There was nothing else to do) I believe my parents were under stress from my brother. My Mom was always a wack job. Dad was a great provider and worked while he went to school at night. As soon as my father was financially able to care for our needs and could divorce Mom he did. My Mother refused to take my brother so Dad did, sis and I were supposed to have lived with Mom until I graduated HS that was divorce agreement. Well 6 months before my graduation my Mom took off and moved 2hours away with a potential 2nd hubby. My Dad was locked into a lease traveled alot for work, was engaged himself. Left with sister in house she worked most of the time. You would think a teens dream. NOT. I spent that x-mas alone crying. In a house with my Mothers hoarding mess. No tree no gifts just the yule log on TV. They both made a choice to do what was best for thier lives at the time and I got lost in the shuffle. (Growing up we saw my Grandfather(Mom's Dad) every Sunday without fail (Grandma never left the house.) My grandfather during this time was careing for my grandmother, who was allways agoraphobic (fear of going out of the house) she had a stroke. He had to put her in a NH he placed her near my mom. I never saw my Grandfather so sad as the day he had to remove his wifes wedding band and leave her in someone elses care. My Mom went to NH everyday to feed her. She later passed away my Grandfather commited suicide leaving a note that he never wanted to be a burden to anyone. He also said if he got sick all his assets would go to his care and he wanted his family to have everything not to get depleated by any NH or bills. I would give anything to go back in time and tell him that nothing is more important to me than your life. I would have cared for him if he ever got sick and needed me. A wonderful man who was more worried about others and thier well being, took his life not to be a burden. My mother never asked me to care for her and still tells me she doesn't need me, I am... your Mother... your not mine. She fights with anyone who cares. She is impossible and stubborn, always was and just last week said after I commented on her great appetite "Well I gotta eat I don't want to die" That is the most wonderful sentance I ever heard. I also lost everything I owned in a fire but Mom got out of the house. She was the one on the insurance policy and due to her early dementia she refused to give me the money she got to replace my things or sign for the hotel room all they needed was her signature (which was no problem with insurance co.). I was homeless and had nothing, disliked Mom for what she did to me, not knowing that dementia was the problem at the time(I was living with her to help her out financially as I was seperating from husband). All this, and I was still happy Mom was alive. Then I spent time getting my life back one item at a time(imagine having nothing and no money just a job). Lived with sis for a bit. Moved out about 6 months after. Mom's fire insurance repaired house gave her money for my things she kept it all. Then about 2 years later she was starting to really get bad. Guess who was the only one willing to deal with the burden and actually cared about Mom. After you have only your own life and family members lives left and nothing material to speak of, you realize what's important. The most ironic part of it all is I took on the task, with Mom's care in focus and her well being. Everyone else cared about money and assets and thier lives getting interupted. Now I am in control of it all and Mom is doing well and instead of being happy they are pissed. They could not understand why I was asking for help either. I was giving a chance to include them in details. I have been thru hell and back but all worth it... I live in peace with myself.

Hi, wuvsicecream:

My own family's dysfunction paralled your own.......so I've been there.

My point was that parents DO choose to bring children into the world, and mostly for the wrong reasons. The most selfish reason is when they give birth to children in the hopes that the adult children will take care of them in their old age. As you know, it often does not work out that way.

As your own experience has shown, the burden usually falls on ONE adult child. Often the others will have nothing to do with the situation and will not help out. When my father had dementia, my brother (an attorney, BTW) could not emotionally deal with the situation so I had to handle everything by myself. Been there, done that.

I'm glad you now live in peace with yourself. :)

melindabr thank you for using the word"martyr". My sister did that with our dad and her husband. I couldn't stand our dad, he was hateful, demanding, ect. The day of our dad's funeral, she took her husband to a Dr. appt. because he refused to change it. No one felt sorry for her, they just rolled their eyes. I did not give up my life for the old man. As many have said here, he made his own choices and I made mine... But thanks again for using that word. When our caregiving turns into that, it is no longer about the person we are caring for....
And believe me when I say I was made out to be the bad daughter, I just went on about my business because "sticks and stones" didn't change how I felt about the choice I made... thanks for sharing..

hi heavyload
what is exactly is your mom doing that you dnt want her live with you anymore

msdiva,

I was just thinking last night that the way this website includes the original post at the top of every page of responses makes it far too easy for people to forget or not notice that the original post can be very OLD. Especially in long threads like this one.

If I designed it, and wanted to have the original post repeat on every page, I would at least have the OP marked more clearly, like "Original Post" (probably bold, colored) with the background of its area tinted slightly or grayed.

Anyway, your post proves my point. heavyload hasn't post in almost 2 years.

well thanks..so observant i c

Ugh!!! I am considering taking my mom in and she is only 75 years old. I know that if she comes to live with me, that she will want to be taken care of. I can't handle it! I feel so guilty. I told my sister a few years ago that I would be the one to take my mom in. I realized, recently, that the only reason I said that is because I knew that she would never do it. I already feel resentment towards my sister AND my mom. I don't know what to do...