I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Are you doing it out of guilt? Obligation? Love or compassion? Then under each option look at the pros and cons under each option.

Sometimes it is healthier if a parent goes into another community. They thrive with the socialization, sometimes responsibilities of watching out for another resident. It makes them feel better. Sometimes a one on one is not good. So examine your reasons why before you accept the guilt of your sister's lack of doing.

How about just finding a place that has a warden and arrange carers for to come in and see to her and tell her you are going away for a fortnight and have arranged this place for her. Stay away for the 2 weeks so she can settle and maybe she will be ok, but what ever don't bring her back. I lived nearby my mother since 1983 when her 3rd husband died and did not have time to have any friends of my own, my son couldn't go out to play with his friends as WE HAD to be up her place and like a fool I wasted my life on her only for her to get dementia and accuse me of being the crazy one. Your mother and mine and many others try to relive their lives through us, then we have no life at all. Put her in a place where there is a communal room so she can choose to join in. And just visit her for short periods don't have her out until she has resigned herself to knowing she has to stay put.
Best of luck, don't waste your life like I did. Only go to see her once a month so that she knows she is not in control of you anymore.

Have lived w/daughter and husband 6-1/2years. Not by choice. Had no place to go, no job. Drove 2000 miles cross country. Intention was to get place of own, living with child temporary. They took my inheritance, the money I was going to use for my older way of life. Then they maxed out 10 of my credit cards. Have virtually nothing left other than poverty level SS. I want out. Looking for places for low income seniors. Since live in bankrupt state, no section 8 available so looking in other states. The patent child relationship goes both ways. I took care of patents and grandmother, using own money in many cases. Grocery shopped, took to doctors, picked up prescriptions and much more, because I wanted to. Now the table is turned. Never did I nor would I ever take my parents last dime and max out their credit cards. Where oh where did this entitlement of what is mine is theirs. At 63 must escape this prison that has bankrupted me at this age. Had AAA credit, owed nothing. So again, this living situation can go both ways. Never in a million years did I or would I have believed the theft from my own child who appears to have no clue that there is virtually no way for me to leave, but doing my best to get out of their bogus elite lifestyle. Say nothing. Was promised it would be paid back. I still pay for doctor, medicines, diagnostics, buy my own food, cook. We have zero family life. Everything is separate. ENTITLED!!!!! Kids, treat your parents as you would want to be treated. When it is kids turn to be unable to work, living at poverty level, what will they do? No savings, keeping up with Joneses is all they know. No children to care for them in older age. The only Commandment with a promise is...Honor thy father and mother so thy days will be long upon the earth.
What do I do? Didn't report them for theft and credit card fraud...couldn't do that to them, yet, look at what they did, took everything I had financially. God forgive them.

Call Adult Protective Services and ask for their assistance in empowering you to regain your independence and self determination!

You are a FOOL for not reporting your adult children for stealing your credit cards and maxing them out. That is a FELONY in any state if the cards were not jointly held in their names also. If they forged your signature or used your cards without authorization, they are guilty of grand larceny. Why on earth are you "protecting" them? If a neighbor stole all of your credit cards and maxed them out, would you ignore that also?

You have been taken advantage of by your children - and they are felons. Report them to the authorities with all of the appropriate documentation. It's the right thing to do. Keep your emotions out of it - just do your job.

Wow dragonflower, you use some harsh words there calling djjewell a "fool". Situations are allowed to occur/continue for all kinds of reasons but almost always is there a sense of powerlessness, hopelessness and fear. How can you expect any parent to "keep [your] emotions out of it - just do your job"? I don't know of ANY parent/child relationship that CAN be separated from emotions. I agree with your encouragement to make a move but the last thing it sounds like this person needs is more belittlement.

djjewell, I do not think you are a fool, I think that what is done is done. But the more important thing I heard you say, was as children of parents who need care, where do we get off with this sense of entitlement.... I totally get what you were saying. When my dad died, it did not matter to me in any way what I got from him. He didn't owe me anything, and he had enough money to stay in AL until he died at 98 yrs, old. I did not like or love him, so it would have felt weird for me to have any of his money. I know this is different, but my heart goes out to you and I know you will find a way to be on your own again. And what your kids did, well, as I always say they will answer to a higher authority and I didn't have to file charges...
Thank you for sharing the "other side of the coin". Makes me see things in a different way,,, hugs across the miles..

It's interesting. We answer these questions with interest, and then check out the profile of the person who started it.
"heavyload " has not had any activity on AC since August of 2009.
So maybe we can assume she got rid of her houseguest?

I was not belittling HER - my intent was to mean that she has been "made a fool" by her adult children who have taken advantage of her and her goodwill. They must be horrible individuals to have done this to their own mother. The bottom line is that these adult children have committed a FELONY and nothing was ever done about it. What is done is done.....but she still has every right to press charges.

I too cared for my elderly mother for many years. She could be so grouchy and mean with me, but with others, she could be so sweet. After 15 years of that, I made the decision to move her into a nursing home and did alot of checking around. Needless to say, I was not too happy with what I found and I knew she would be even less happy. Finally I ran across a small but very nice Assisted living home and the people were amazing. When I made the decision to move her, she was hesitant. However, after a week or so, she really seemed so much happier. She had activities, a few people to talk with and spend time with (her own age) and a very nice room for her alone time. Because it was so small, the staff paid full attention to all the needs of the residents. They even ask for their input on meals and all were prepared homestyle. It was perfect for her and for us. The home strongly encouraged family visits and did everything they could think of to entertain both the residents and the visiting family(s). I think it was the best decision I have ever made. Good luck to you all...I know how difficult it can be.

There is a type of insurance you can get for those under 80 that will pay for the nursing home when parents need to be there. If yours are under 80, check into it so you aren't stuck with no way out. Of course, it may take some doing to have your parent pay for the insurance if you don't have power of attorney but it's definitely worth looking into before the fact because nursing homes aren't cheap.

I'd truly understand. I let myself get so sick, depressed, SAD, overwhelmed, to the point where I lost weight and myself. I hate that I've finally had to put myself first and foremost however, it was either me or my mother-n-law. I made a choice that I can live with simply because I was going to have a nervous break down. I can live with guilt, I can not survive being a sole caregiver. She is going to assisted living and her 3 sons will be doing that because I can not even deal with the process. I am at wits end and I had to do something. I absolutely hate our states programs that will not make siblings pitch in or at least pay for a sitter or at the very least take care of our parents like I know that other state/governments do. Elderly are considered above us in some countries, but not here. Shame on us! I will stay on this site and continue to be support and a lending ear because alot of you helped me as I was losing it. I am finally free of one of the hardest jobs in America...SOLE CAREGIVER to an elderly parent with dementia. I nursed her back to health at my mental and physical expense...I won;t regret it...but what I am saying is....TAKE CARE OF YOU...If you do not, you can't do anything...I KNOW!! You all are in my prayers and will be..God Bless. They say I was earning my wings by nursing her back to health after her fall...Well, I am sending my wings on to all of you...Please use them wisely..We can visit and love our elderly parents in a NA or AL...It will be ok....SMILES...I have a poem I wrote while I was watching her with the UGLY disease DEMENTIA...I will post it soon in hopes that it will inspire you....Hang in there...HUGS to ALL.....

Omg. I had my 93 yr old Mother in our home for 9 months after taking her out of unacceptable care home. Thought I was losing my mind, so put her in one residential care home end of May. Depressing bunch, no walking or exercise, so put her in home recommended by her attorney! Help!!! I picked her up today after they called and said she was screaming for me all night, this morning, disturbing other residents, hitting, slapping, pulling hair, cussing, and they wanted to drug her some more. Guess I have to suck it up. Husband put her bed together, she is exhausted now, hope she is not up every 2 hours tonight. The nightmare continues. No one can care for her like I do. I never caused her 1/10 of the problem she is to me. God have mercy. Good luck to all of you. Just pray.

I know my mom would pull a stunt like that just to get her way. Could your mom be manipulating you? Just a thought....

Hi cinnamon. I would say "yes". She manipulates to get what she wants like a baby or animal does. It's a survival instinct, I suppose. There is no reasoning with her. She is selfish and it's always been about what she wants. The dementia has allowed her to pretend she doesn't understand what she's doing.
Ha ha. Very funny, huh? Well, I am trying to take "the higher road" this time around. I am just trying to survive it, too:) hugs, Christina

Christina, Maybe you can look into "in home care" to give you at least some relief. These situations we're all in are so awful and there seems to be no clear cut answer,other than take care of yourself first. (where would she be if you weren't around to help her?)
How's your BP? I didn't even think of that and it ended badly w/a stroke, as a result of the stress. Fortunately, I've fully recovered so that noone but myself notices the lasting side effects. Now I'm on BP meds and anti depressants. Never thought it would come to that but I'm determined to outlive her and be in good enough health to say I survived the hardest trial of my life and get some enjoyment out of retirement in a few years.

cinnamon, I had caregivers to help during the day and will get them again. I take night time duty--get up with her if she needs to go to bathroom, and when she is not stabilized, that could be every few hours. Before we moved her last month, she was sleeping at least 8 hours, but the early morning--from about 3:30 until 7--can be hellish with her constant whining and demanding "what she wants". I refuse to get her up before 7:30 to start the day. I do take care of myself--have coffee, spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work, get on my laptop an visit my friends, etc. This time, I am NOT sleeping with a baby monitor. I'll get up when I hear her naturally. My BP is perfect--I am young and healthy-fitness walker and lift weights. I do not take anti depressants or pain killers. For years, my Mother and sister "projected" their own mental illness onto me. I took meds off and on, but I discovered any depression i experienced was circumstantial, due to their crazy-making. So, I am done with that! I have a great husband, loving kids, and supportive prayer warrior friends nearby, as well as many friends on this site. I do not like what I have to do, but I am doing it because it is necessary. I have a selfish sister, but my brother is stepping up out of compassion, and I appreciate it so much. Thank you for your thoughtful post. All the best to you, Christina

At this point it would be best to be honest. You changed your life around for over 2 years. You have done more then your part to be there, and help her. She may have not adjustd well to the NH the first time, but if their are no other options then I'm sure she could get use to it. You can always go visit, and take little treats. The best part is you will get your life back. If you do "nothing" then look forward to the next two years being just like the last two. Im sure you and your husband must miss having your home together and more time for one another. For the best of everyone take mom to the NH. Maybe tour a couple different ones and find one you think best suits her. I hope you get it all worked out. I am going through simalar ordeal, and Im taking the steps to get my life back. KB

I am 69 yrs old and cared for my mother who is 91 now for 12 yrs. I just had to put her in nursing home and I feel so bad about it. She just wants to come home, but I cannot do it anymore. She has dementia really bad, and I have had back surgery and have arthritis and I am just so tired. Did I do the wrong thing. I just feel so guilty, like I deserted her. But I am just so tired and worn out, as she needs constant care. I would appreciate and opinions and advice.

Hi Donna,
We sound like we're in a similar situation, only you're ahead of me by about 9 yrs... When we are so close to our loved one, it seems like we can never do enough, eh?... It's because we love them unconditionally... I think it's been a Blessing that you have taken care of your mom (and, you still will, only with additional care that she needs... so, she doesn't harm herself), and that you've given so much of your own life to do this (like me)... (other people who are not in our 'shoes' are oblivious to what we have given up and what we go through)... Even though my mom can still get around (though her balance is a problem), I am exhausted with 'merging' her schedule with mine... Very difficult to do... I'd like to see what other caregiver's say in response to your question. But, I believe you have made the right decision... One that I'll also have to face in the furture... Try to be easy on yourself and know you're now alone in this difficult situation. Your mom is so lucky to have a loving daughter like you, even though she doesn't understand what you are doing is for her own safety. With much love... Lynn

donna - you made the right decision - I am 74 and my mother 99 and as the caregiver ages, a whole new set of problems arises. My health has suffered from the stress. My mother has borderline personality disorder (had it all her life) and probably a little dementia has developed the past few years. What I could do in my 60's I cannot do in my 70's, and I am heathy compared to many my age. Despite that I developed systemic candida over a year ago and am still on meds for it and working to regaining my strength and digestive system health. I attibute the illness developing to this extent to the stress of caregiving. I have had candida infections before but it never spread like that. Mother is in an ALF (having been moved at her request twice in the past couple of years - I could never have her in my home with the BPD). She is doing well - her physical health is excellent - though she complains continuously and wants me to "fix" every little crisis, but I can never do it to her satisfaction. I have had to distance myself to regain my health. I wish it were different. I am considering removing myself from being POA (she handles her own finances still) as she has been playing games with it - asking me to get involved and them slamming me when I do - and I don't need the stress. I know my situation is not quite a parallel with yours, or yours, heart, but the principles are the same. You do what you can and when the burden becomes too heavy - for whatever reason - you have to make some changes. I do that without guilt as I have "paid my dues" over the years and gone the extra mile more than once and become ill by not curtailing my cargiving activities sooner. I will not make that mistake again - I have children and grandchildren to think of, as well as myself and a sig other.

donna, no you did the right thing, you had abandoned YOURSELF some where along this journey.... honey, if you can no longer do it, that does not mean failure, abandonment, giving up, none of those things..... it simpley means, you can not do it anymore... if you were at any other 'job' would you feel this way if you couldn't do it anymore???? Maybe after some rest, getting some of your health back, and seeing that your mom is being taken care of.... you will let that guilt go.... I know there are all kinds of 'feelings' connected with this, but as tired as you are right now, things just feel bigger than what they are... give yourself some time, and if you brought her home out of 'guilt' and something happened to her or you, you would never forgive yourself..... it takes a lot of courage to say, I'm done, I did the best I could, for as long as I could.... of course she wants to come home..... but she will adjust.... and you have adjustments to make also..... take care of yourself, so when you do go visity her, she gets 100% of you during that visit... she can't have that now with her living with you..... it is your turn..... I have nothing but admiration for the job you have done, and more admiration for you being able to have the courage to say you have had enough.... It may not 'feel' like a good thing, but it is.... sending prayers and hugs to you.... you did the right thing.....

Oh thank you, Ladeeda. I feel so much better now. I know you are 100% correct in everything you said. You have helped me feel much better. Hugs to you and thank you again.

so we had to relocate and when I did mom went into an assisted living facility. she was diagnosed with altzhiemer's soon after my drug addicted brother "her chosen one" was killed in an auto accident. her abusive behavior continued but I know now it was the onset of the disease. she is still oriented most days just has no short term memory. when I brought her here she screamed and cursed and cried for 2 hours until I couldn't take it any more, so the caremanager stepped in and told me not to see her for 2 weeks! I called and went to see her through their monitoring system (cameras) and she was fine and adjusted well. after 2 weeks she was contrite and happy to see me. it took her a full 3 months before it was safe to bring her to our new house for a visit or to take her anywhere out of the facility. she is doing fine now has adjusted and made friends. It is WONDERFUL. Thanks again to all of you for your support and kind words. I hope I am able to help others here as I have been helped.

Lisaanne, I think you are right.... my mom has a lot of anxiety when her routine is "disturbed" but I find that when I step out of her routine that she "tries" to impose on me, she operates in the assisted living environment so much better. I think to some degree we have to learn to let go. It becomes a codependency issue and we feed off each other. It is not easy to let go when we have been such a big part of their caregiving, but once the separation and time has passed, we find out that it becomes an enjoyable family instead of time we dread.

I am 46yrs old, married for 28 yrs., 2 children 1-13yrs. olds, 1-8yrs old, my father passed away about 8 yrs. ago now my mother ( now 65 yrs.) and we were like sisters, EVERYONE always said they wished they had a relationship with their mother like I had, after daddy died she didn't leave the house but maybe 1-2 times a week, We combined households after 1 yr. and a lot of thought, we were excited to be under the same roof, THEN is when it all started, we sold our house and built on to the end of her, she kept ALL of her home that she and daddy had, She started wanting to control everything and everyone, we allowed her to FORCE us to sell things we wanted to keep, she wanted to pick HER place to put her chair down in our part, she demanded to park next to the door, I finally told her NO on that one, I had a small baby at the time and it was easier for me to load and unload closer to the door, she has run completely thru my husbands will to help her, he hardly ever speaks to her, she has tattled on my children to the point they don't want to be around her, and she is sneaky in trying to get her way,
She is a woman that KNOWS everything, she a negative attitude, never has anything nice to say, I am a professional cook and I have NEVER cooked ANYTHING that she thought was good, she is always telling me what I did wrong. She has the answer for everything.
This is what I have always wanted : I wanted to set my mother up to ENJOY the rest of her life as carefree as I could make it for her, she lives here rent free, we pay for her lights, phone, water, cable, garbage, food ( other than what she chooses to buy) before I took over the company she went out and bought a new car and passed that to us to pay for and we did, when it was paid for she wanted me to keep on taking that amount out of our account and give it to her, I said no, she got mad and pouted, she ran up a credit card bill over 5000.00 and passed that on to us, I made her pay 1/2, I NEVER wanted these kinds of problems, I wanted her to go out and have friends and meet people, she claimed that my daddy was the only reason she didn't, 8 yrs later she is still at the house, I want to be a kind / loving/caring daughter, but I am finding that I am starting to HATE her and I don't want to, I don't want to think in my head, OMG here she comes again, I don't want to roll my eyes when she drives up under the carport. I am finding that EVERYTHING she does is driving me crazy,
She will draw you into conversation and then she will pick something you say and just go on and on about it, We have found that we can't do anything nice for her because if you do it ONE time then you have to do it forever, ( My husband took her car and washed it for her one day and then 3 week later she came in and said you need to clean my car again it is dirty) she is like a person that you try to avoid at all cost.
I really don't think she nor I deserve to be in this, but you can't get her to change except if you pitch a fit, then I have to hear that I'm just like my daddy, NOW I understand why he was that way.
WHAT can I do ??? I really want her older years to be happy and NO ONE in this house is ever happy and it is even effecting my children
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP !!!!

heavyload, hear me out before you begin to think I'm not sympathetic. My mother "tried" to raise me to be her provider for when she was older. Yes, as children we do have a responsibility to care for our parents, but to what extent?

My mother was a narcissist. From what I have heard from her I think I know what went wrong, but back in the day, they did not diagnose depression or such. My dad was there to always kind of be her guiding force. I never knew if there were any problems. But as life changed for her as she got older, she got miserable!! I believe that dad could no longer control certain aspects about her narcissistic behavior or depression. And when dad had his stroke and life took another drastic turn... oh my!!

She was miserable and dad was a handful with having dementia. Being an only child, I tried to do things for a while after I had gone back to work. I could not do it. I had to get assisted living to help. Knowing my mother as I had and my dad with dementia, there was NO WAY I was going to live with them and I had my own household to take care of them.

Sometimes caregiving means doing what is best for them. I needed people around to give dad the stimulus he needed so mom wouldn't provide the stress level for dad. He couldn't handle it. Mom raised me (due to narcissism) to believe that I was her "slave" (not in those words), but she made it perfectly clear. I ended up having to make it perfectly clear I was not there for her.

So I ended up having to put them in AL because there was no other way. Don't get me wrong, things did not end up real sweet there either. I still had to be there frequently, but it was a lot less than what I had been doing. I had to work with staff to understand a narcissist and mom's behavior.

But in the end, I knew she was not going to be happy whatever happened, so I had to do what would provide her the care she was entitled to as a human being (not as a nasty mother), and what was best for dad with dementia and lastly what was best for me too.

Not easy, but I was raised by a generation that you take care of your elders. But to me I learned that taking care of elders does not always mean I have to do it personally. My parents are both gone and I miss my father terribly, but not my mother. I lived an intense life under her hand and to be free of that level of nasty intensity is freeing!!!!!

Relax (try) and do what you need to do. If she is miserable regardless of what situation she is in, there is nothing you can do to help her. Give her the best of what you can at a distance and that does not negate your love for her. It just keeps sanity and health in tact!

Glad to see I'm not alone, but sorry for all of you going through a similar situation. My dad died a few years ago and mom was afraid to be alone so we sold her house for her and bought a bigger home that could accommodate mom, myself and husband, and the large family we knew would be visiting mother. My home has become the place where everyone comes to see her. I'm one of five children, but none of her other children bother to come by to take her out for the day, or even keep her overnight to give my husband and I a break. We're in our early 50s and miss our weekends out hanging out with friends. My mother is highly critical, hurtful, spiteful and selfish. She says what she wants whenever she wants, and thinks I'm 12 years old again living in HER home. I try to bite my tongue, but there are times when she oversteps her bounds and tries to tell me what to do, when to shower, how to speak to my husband, etc. She's in her mid 80s and healthy so she'll probably be with us for a while. Lately I have been resenting her. We never got a long when I was younger, I spent years in therapy because of her verbal and physical abuse, and I'm not even the favorite daughter!!! Not only is she totally dependent on me because she has nothing to do all day (she absolutely refuses to go to a senior center), but she also is afraid at night so if my husband and I go out on a Friday or Saturday, she waits up for us. We can never stay out overnight because she's afraid to be alone. I feel hopeless and am starting to hate my life! Does anyone have any insight?

jazz, I had a mother who tried that with me and she didn't live with me. My reply was always to her, "Last time I checked, I was not married to you nor answer to you." Oh would she get indignant, but she got over it. If she didn't.... I always had time for peace in my life without her bull.

It is important to set boundaries even in sharing a home and you need to lay those down regardless of what her reaction will be. You have already seen what happens without them. Don't let her take the best part of you. Maybe you have to remind her that this is not a walk down memory lane where you are 12 and she's got authority over you. Sometimes a reminder can snap them out of it, but if she is narcissistic like mine was over a lifetime, it took a little more bluntness.

Jazz, I'm not sure why you would subject yourself and your family to a spiteful, nasty person who abused you as a child. I've noticed a pattern on this message board, though. It seems to me that abused children are more likely to feel obligated to have their elderly parents live with them, or feel that they have to move into the elders' home to care for them. The more "normal" the parent/child relationship (respectful boundaries, child is expected to leave nest and have own life/career/family) the more likely that the elderly parent is well taken care of in an Assisted living or good nh environment.

She sounds depressed. Has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist for depression and/or mental illness?

Is it FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that keeps you from finding an alternative living arrangement for her?