I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

message keeps getting cut off. Rozslvk, take control.. Hide your money. Can you put it in a account that only you have access to? We are so lucky to have found each other. Keep writing. Everyone has been such a great help to me and I know that we all appreciate each other. Welcome to the group

To Rozslvk, I'll agree with Lovingdaughter on this one.... I'm not saying we should not care for our parents, but there is a line here that parents seem to forget (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not their fault). When things are done on purpose like taking your extra money, etc and starts putting up a fuss all on your dime and time, enough is enough.

Its blatant behavior. Sweetheart, its time to lay down some boundaries. Not for her, because she's never going to respect them coming from anyone. The boundaries are for you and your sanity and health.

When it comes to the food, label her food and your food if necessary. Put a lock on the fridge for crying out loud... but make those boundaries as clear as day. When it comes to money, get a separate account with just your name.

The few extra pain in the butt steps are going to help alleviate a lot of this frustration. Then its... "that's just the way it is" to fall back on.

Take it from members here who have taken their crap-load of manipulation.... lay it down. Start with small boundaries, set penalties that you know she will not like and ENFORCE them!! Its no different with children. And yes, we can do it with a smile and with love and not be the mean S.O.B.'s we're told we are.

Enforcement is all a part of setting boundaries so they learn we mean it.

To heavyload, don't feel guilty for your choice(s). You can only do so much. Explain it with her and give her choices that you both can live with. Check into assisted living, 24/7 caregiver service, and then the nursing home. Find what options work best and possibly present her with the pros & cons (if she's reasonable to do so).

The stigma of putting a loved one in a nursing home does not mean we are bad and so forth. Things have come a long way in caring for the elderly. You can only do the best you can do, and remember you can't honor your mother or father if you are dead in the grave.

We're all here for you and sorry for the length.

I could not agree more with mitzpinki more. She is so right. Set the boundaries. I did, and we are getting along very nicely. I will not give up my life. I say that everyday and sometimes to her face. She gets it because I enforce the rules. My husband and I go out every Saturday night and sometimes even on Sundays. She doesn't like it, too bad. I schedule time for just her. We watch American Idol every night that it is on together in her apartment on her TV. No husband to bother us. She really appreciates the hour twice a week. When that is not on and the weather is nice, we sit outside, have a glass a wine at night after dinner. God luck

well its official I have been put on meds to deal with my father, I have always had anxiety attacts since i was little but lately they are so bad that i get sick and throw up, when my husband told him that it made me feel bad that he got my emmediate family gifts for christmas and not me and that i was now on meds he said he would take me to breakfast , sorry a 7 dollar breakfast isnt going to make me get over 40 years of abuse so becasue we didnt go now hes cutting me out of his will. How is that evern possible hes been diagnosed with severe dementia and alhz . what a jerk i move in to take care of him and this is the thanks i get go figure. no good deed goes unpunished . miak

Oh honey I know how you must be feeling I got 20 years on ya I've been disowned so many times its hysterical, especially coming from parents that don't have a pot to pee in a window to throw it out of and a sidewalk to hit. Hey, he's always going to need you more than you need him. And take it from me someone with dementia and Alzheimers doesn't even know what they are saying much less remember it. I took care of my mother in law with dementia and alzheimers believe me it is no easy task. My mother whom I take care of now accused me of liking my mother in law more than her, now I took care of Dad a few years ago and now she is saying I always liked him better than her???? and your point is I am taking care of you to figure it out lady LOL It will be okay I take stuff for anxiety to I've had it since I was a kid and I am 60 take they make you happy. At least they are prescribed. ha Don't give him your power because baby you got it! Neon

Hi everyone. It has been a long time since I have written. Just wanted to make sure everyone is OK. Things seem to quiet down after the holidays. Spring is coming and with that, I hope, some well deserved rest and sunshine. Be well and remember to take care of yourselves.

Hello everyone,

I have been busy as well as everyone else. Everything with dad has calmed down after his last hospital stay he is doing a lot more for himself. He now is in his own apartment and I have a cousin who is helping me out with him. Just him taking some time off me has been such a huge help I actually feel so much better.

I could have never imagained how much one person helping out could mean. He takes dad out for breakfast and if I need him to he brings him to his apointments. But I have been taking him because thats our time and I know he misses me being around. But I talk to him several times a day and usually see him everyday but I just don't worry all the time and he has layed off the demands since we had "words" about how I am very tired and need to have my time. I am so glad I did that. I just hope he stays healthy for a while longer. We have a mutual agreement that as long as he is capable of taking care of himself with out running me ragged he can stay in his apartment but if he gets sick or starts to fail in taking care of himself we are going to look at assisted living situations.

He knows that I cannot do everything by myself. I still pay him bills and take him to the doctor and see him usually daily I just don't feel pressured anymore because he is doing things for himself instead of waiting for me. So you really have to talk to them and tell them how you feel and what you can handle so they know. My dad said I did not realize how much you were doing for me untill he took his life back and did for himself. SO I guess I was wrong too in doing everything for him--he is doing better now because he is responsible for himself again and can handle most things.

I hope everyone is doing well have a good weekend
Alice

Hi lovingdaughter glad to hear from you and glad things have settled down.

Alice so glad your dad is able to stay in his home and your cousin is helping you out thats so good they feel better or most of them do when they can stay in their own home and I am assuming your cousin is a male so that is good company for him especially breakfast out every morning oh what a treat. Yes, it makes a difference but all people are different, my mom is still living with me I see her or I think I see her going down hill each month. I have had that talk about her doing things that I know she can do, but she wants a note everyday, I don't have time for notes for pity sake if you can't see that it needs to be done than I'll get to it when I get to it

Glad you ar both doing better. I may be putting our house on the market next year, moving to an adult golf community. Of course, we get to take mom with us!! The move will take much of the pressure off of us financially, and we will be with our best friends who are moving this year to the same community. Now we need an entire new crop of doctors and caregivers! I do think that the move will be a positive one for all three of us. Take care. Good luck with our mom, Neon and your dad, Alice. Spring is coming!!!!!!

Lovingdaughter

lovingdaughter, sorry to say Neons dad passed away. your move sounds like a good thing. good luck
Dare

Neon has her Mom, right. That is what I meant. Alive has her dad. Did your dad pass recently? I am so sorry, I know how hard that is to bear. God bless.

Hi Everyone,

Well I started this whole discussion. Took my mother to a very nice Assisted Living Facility to have lunch and tour. My husband and I would like to take a vacation without Mom and thought that this would be the best way to go since she cannot stay alone. Well...she made it very clear to the staff that she did not like the place at all because of all the old people. My mother will be 81 this year. I had to leave before the entire interview was completed because she just made me feel so bad, and had me in tears. I have tried to do my best for her the past three years, but nothing seems to make her happy. She is such a negative person. I had to go back to work and can hardly wait to go home and discuss this with her. My mother is not demented so she knows exactly what she is saying when she says it. She never appreciates anything that is done for her. I have cared and provided for her so that she did not have to spend the rest of her life in an assisted living facility or a nursing home, but I just don't know how much more I can take. My husband and I are still planning on going on vacation so she can just "lump it".

I appoligize i misread that last line. MY dad died 18 years ago he was an only child my grandfather died a year ago, and granny is still here.

Heavyload, she is probably like granny, nothing will make her happy. you take that vacation and don't look back.

This is Neon yes my Dad died 1 1/2 years ago and I have my mother living with me since April. My mom is the same way nothing makes her happy well except a big meal she loves a good meal and her thanks is well that hit the spot like I don't feed her the other 4 days a week LOL.34 thats about it. Yes, take the vacation don't look back God gave you a life to. She will get over it.

Heavyload Take charge and take that vacation!!!!!! She gave you life, but she does not have the right to control your life! Be strong. You are such a good person for doing what you do. My brother never even comes to see my mom, and he lives 37 miles away. Good luck

Heavyload... you said at the beginning of this thread that you were thinking of a nursing home, and just a few posts ago it was assisted living. Have you ever considered or try talking to your mother about the differences between nursing homes and assisted living? It may make it a bit easier for her to make a decision. The other thing is you have to feel comfortable with the assisted living.

I made appointments to take dad and so forth to assisted living facilities to try and find something for "to help mom to heal". I went into a couple that were just so sterile and not the right arrangement for mom and dad. When I walked into the last one I just knew. It was elegant, it had a nice size apartment, housecleaning, laundry for them, and just such an awesome staff. So maybe you need to present the assisted living more like her independence but with help. A nursing home is for people who need medical assistance, etc.

But I will tell you oh I wouldn't put my vacation on hold and I would not let her dictate to me. That area of control may even constitute her getting "ill" before you leave just so you won't leave on your vacation (don't put it past anyone).

Do what you need to do and feel peace in your heart about your decision for whatever you need to do. Just don't let the guilt monster sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear. Businesses are changing and senior care is improving and thankfully they are changing the stigma of nursing homes. Show her different ones and how they vary. Give her some options that don't include you and let her choose, but she must make the choice in the end.

Mitzipinki is so right. Things are changing and she has some very sound advice. My mom always needs just one more thing before I go out the door. It is the guilt game and moms can play it better than anyone. Be strong. You have our support. Good luck

When my mother age 87, came to live with my husband and I DEc. 7, 2007,( a day that will go down in Infamy, as my husband says). She was moving here from another state so we got her to go with us to a lawyer and write a new will making me her legal power of attorney and medical power of attorney as well. What a god send that was. All the complaints you all have , we experienced too. She is legally blind, in poor health and some dimentia. She was demanding to go back to live on her own and I just told her "NO". I told her she could go to assisted living and that was the only alternative. At 87 we thought she would have enough money to last about 3 years. She was eligible for a VA benifit called "Aid and Attendance" so I applied for that. (check that out). It has not come through yet but I believe it will. It will strech out their funds even for Assisted living. I know it is expensive but if you can get them in that kind of facility , do it.
She lived there 4 months . AT first she begged to come back but I stuck to my guns and said no. She almost destroyed my marriage and my sanity. I felt such a sense of relief when she was gone. The home was only 15 min away from my house so I went over about 1 or 2 times a week. That was all. She got used to it and made friends and had activities. AT 4 months she fell and broke her hip, they kept her in hosp. for the required time of 3 days and then we transfered her to a nursing home for the rehab. I told nursing home she would stay there. When she runs out of money we will apply for medicaid. The nursing home helps us do all the paperwork. Now she has a boyfriend, That is a whole other subject. She and her new man are now demanding to live in the same room at the nursing home. and I think my mother is trying to manulipulate him to go back to his house to live which is out of the question as they are both blind, and dimemted a little and confined to a wheelchair. The important thing is to stay in control, lovingly, but filrm. Don't let them ruin your life. Don't be afraid to say no. You will be amazed at how liberating it is.

Thanks for the advice , cologirl42, I am going to look into the va now. Keeping firm and staying cool is the best advice you could give anyone. Stay in control!!!
Thanks,
Loving daughter

To Everyone,

Thanks for all the advice. I am taking it all to heart and using it. I talked to my Mom when I got home from work and had a long discussion with her about going to Assisted Living for respite. She still does not like the idea, but will go. I decided to try assisted living rather then a nursing home because I thought that she might like that idea better then a nursing home. Guess it didn't make much difference to her. She did express that she was afraid that we would leave her there. I explained that we would come back and get her once our vacation was over. I also told her that we might take short vacations in the future and we would use respite care again. It has taken me almost three years to finally realize that I did not have to feel guilty because I wanted to do something for myself. It feels good to finally not feel so guilty about doing anything that did not include her. Again, thanks to all of you and God bless all of us that take care of our elderly loved ones. It is not an easy job and sometimes a thankless one.

Good for you! You are doing the right thing for our mother, as well as yourself and your family. This is great progress.
Carol

Hello Everyone,

This is Alice, I have been so busy--thanks to everyone for writing and I really appreciate writing here. I love to be able to understand what we are all going through and beleive me it seems like in one way or another each story we can each take something from it like we have been in the same situation or close to it. Thanks for being here for me. Carol--you always inspire me--and have helped me through times when I thought I could not take anymore. neon--thank you for all your writing--I feel like we know each-other because I have been their done that so many times and I always feel better just reading and writing to all of us who know what we are going thru and feeling. It's just a great relief to not feel alone.

And all the others I feel equally blessed having found this site. My dad is doing good and he actually wants to get new teeth so he looks better. I do not know if I ever said but my dad is only 65 years young and he has been retired for over ten years. But he has been so sick because he drank for so many years and now he (I mean we) are paying the price for it. When I went to the nursing homes and assisted living places I did feel like the people were so much older then him but they were. I tell him daily that he should not be like this until at least after 80 years old. But besides all that he is finally doing good.

I don't like to admit this but I hindered him by doing everything for him. When someone does everything for you--you no longer feel like you are capable of doing things. I think I am guilty of this and while I still do his bills and take him to the doctor he now does most things for himself. And yes my cousin is a male and thank God for him, he has really helped me out tons. But my dad has 2 brothers still living and many nieces and nephews so their is no reason for lack of help. But it does happen.

I know dad is lonely and I feel sorry for that but I cannot make his life choices effect my life anymore. I like others had nearly ruined my marriage with dads illnesses and ever ending needs. My husband felt like I was choosing dad over him. And because my husbands knows what kind of father my dad was he could not understand why in the world I would do anything for him. I cannot forever live my life mad or holding dad responsible for everything I ever did wrong in my life because no one ever told dad how to be a dad or do anything for that matter, so I put our past behind me and think of a wonderful future that's the only way to get on with life. So dad does not drink anymore and his actually sometimes ok to be around. We are just on a different page now--he takes care of himself but he knows if he needs something I will be their to help.

I talk to him everyday and most days I see him--we meet for breakfast like 2 times a week. We go shopping at least once a week and I stop over just about everyday. So I am still their just not for long periods of time because I have a life too. I am focusing on me now with only 4 more classes to go until I finish my 2 degrees. I am so excited about being finished and going back to work and starting a new career. I know the economy but I did accounting so I am hopeful for a good job while studying for the CPA exam.

Take care ladies thanks for your writing.....

Hi Alice so glad to hear you on a upbeat. Yes, my dad was the same way and before he died he was the dad I always thought he could be and would have done anything and did for me. Was so giving and loving. Now its mom I am trying to teach her to be the same way. We had snow in Georgia and power outage for 19 plus hours and no heat etc. so I had to work yesterday server went down and bad hard drive corrupted file etc took us all day to get it working but fixed it and in between took her hot water for her tea and covered her with quilts etc. took home hot food so last night gave her a hug and told her that I did care about her and she was going tohave to work with me I am only one person so today that can sink in and I try at my every turn to do nice special things for her so we will see if she would just meet me 1/4 of the way I could handle that. I am sure you are excited about finishing and starting a new career, thats Awesome. You will find a job. Take care and yes we will always write. ttfn neon

Oh not as an after thought but I saw on another thread we have a new member Frank Hello Frank and welcome, this site is so helpful and we are all in the same boat sometimes we have to borrow each others oars but its very helpful and I find I like to be an encourager and try new things at my house to make things more peaceful. I have to have peace than I can deal with anything. So Welcome aboard.

neon

Alice,
Congratulations on your insights and standing your ground. The best of luck to you. Check into the respite care system offered by your state. Our private ones in NJ have a 2 week minimum!!!( nursing home too) We did the 2 weeks last year and it was very expensive(3,400.00). But it was really worth it to know that when I was away, mom was being taken care of. Good luck on your exams

Neon,
Hope your power is back on and that you have all had a chance to warm up. We got about 8-10" of snow yesterday, but no power outage! Thank God!

Hi to Frank, welcome to our group.

I just started reading this site and I realized that I am in good company. My mom is 96, has lived with me for the last 2 1/2 yrs.but i have been really caregiving since 1995. She is mentally there but has physical problems. The problem is that I am an only child (dad is gone over 20yrs), I have a wonderful husband, 2 grown married children and I just became a grandma for the first time. I have my mom 24/7, I work from home and help my daughter with the baby a few times a week since she went back to work. I feel overwhelmed, would like some respite care and I am trying to find some for my mom. Not so easy.....she doesn't want to go and she is not happy with any in home care. My children used to help out more but they are not able to right now.
Lately, I feel like I am going to explode........I am always angry, especially at my mom and she doesnt make life easier and she complains about everything I do isn't the way she does it.
I want to run away....but I can't. I tried a support group but the lady running the group told me to send my mom to day care which is not an option since mom is not that portable. I took mom to the dr last week and he said she is doing well. She will probably outlive me!!
I just want my life back. I do try and get out once a week but lately I feel that is not enough. I sometimes wish that in the morning my mom just didn't wake up. Pretty sad huh.
Thanks for lettiing me vent
One and Only

thank you lovingdaughter, the power came back on yesterday around 2:15 in the afternoon and the house warmed up nicely, I wasn't sure so brought home some hot food and boy I could have stayed in that shower until all the hot water was gone it felt so good.

Hello oneandonly, I understand how you feel we all feel that way sometimes. Mom just has to understand if she can that you are not her. That was hard for me and my mom she just wants to be waited on so in a way its easier for me just to do it and let her reap the benefits. but that to is frustrating. If mom don't like the way you do it try this approach okay I won't do it at all a few times, bet she comes around. If she complains just leave the room, sounds ignorant I know but it saves my mind, I just let her fuss with herself. That way she gets it off her chest and I don't have to listen. I have to do it one way or the other I choose the non confrontational. I did that, that don't work, I can yell louder but she can't hear so talking to myself, if she could hear I would still be talking to myself. Its pretty sad sometimes I think these doctors make us live longer, is our quality of life any better for some the answer is NO and the goal anyway from day one is what? So we do the best we can and try to weed out the parts that frustrate us and make us angry and I hate being angry I like peace just like everyone else. So it might sound cowardly but I just leave the room and soon it has blown over and we go to the next topic. Yes there is always going to be a topic But I honestly have to say mine has started to settle down a little bit since I made some changes and some time for me and time for me and my husband. Makes a big difference. Take care neon

Thank you ladies I appreciate your help and glad to hear that the lights are back on! Remember when the power and water went out in so many states, well I am in Michigan and it was very scary that day because after 911 we did not know what was going to happen...glad ours came back the very next day..

One and Only welcome--I know how hard it is to admit that we sometimes wish out parents would be gone because I admit I have thought that many many times. Sorry dad but it is so hard I know. I had my dad with me for a while that was the worst time because I felt like my life was over and that is what brought me to this site.

But through reading and the wonderful people here I made it through our most trying time....Thank you again. Still I know how you feel like getting in the car and never looking back, you know what life goes on with us or without us and believe me your mother would somehow manage but as you know this is a full time plus job and you with your grandchild and work--I give you so much credit--I was only going to school and taking care of dad and the husband and I almost had a nervous breakdown.

So you are a strong woman so you know you can make it. I know its hard to think of tomorrow or next week but we do it because we are loving people who feel the need to take care of the ones we love. I still don't know why this guilt thing always has a way of invading my head but it does and we should never feel guilty for wanting our own lives. You must put your self first at least some of the time--I learned that and it gets easier. You must level with your mother--dad and I have an understanding now, if he gets sick again we are going into assisted living because I can't do it alone anymore. I thought I was doing him a favor by doing everything for him but I was not so talk to your mother--she is hurting also and might not realize outside of her situation so you have to remind her you are only one person and maybe just maybe you have to take every bit of help offered or you won't be able to do it. I found that once I told dad I could not handle things he is more open to everything--he even took a computer class and loved it. Sometimes they don't know things are different today and the nursing home is not like a looney bin like in the 40's and 50's they are scared too.

So I say just talk to your entire family and let them know you need help. You will see it gets easier. Take care and keep coming here for anything you may need. Their are so many wonderful people who have answers for you just ask.......Alice

Hi to the group and Welcome to one and only.

To one and only. You wrote that your mom doesn't like in- home care. I don't mean to sound callous, but too bad. She has to accept the care because you need the break. My mom has been with me for over 3 years. In the beginning, the caretaker I hired through an agency never showed up. It took me a month( all of December) to find someone privately. Mom said she liked it when it was just me. I sat her down and told her how it was going to be. We were going to have help and she was going to deal with it. Now she loves the 3 different women who we have during the week, and they are company for her. It is like getting a visitor 4 times a week. I get a life, and she is taken care of. Try not to give her the chance to complain. I cut my mom off if she starts and I say" OK, Mom, you can call the nursing home this afternoon, and they can come and get you." Shuts her up every time. We get along very well, and she has learned to appreciate me and realize that my husband and I do everything for her and that my brother does nothing. Now that realization was very difficult to come by. I am very proud of her for making that leap. If you mom has a sharp mind, you should be able to reason with her. Good luck, and welcome!
Lovingdaughter