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Crislynp, if you made this decision without consulting your family, its probably a major reason why you feel the way you do. It makes for no support when others aren't in and agreeable to a situation.

But you do have choices. As a child providing for a parent, it is especially difficult. We make choices out of obligation instead of weighing out of checks and balances. Some people are wonderful at caregiving and providing for their parents. Others need major assistance while caregiving. Some can't do any of it and need the help of a nursing home or assisted living facility. There is nothing wrong with any of them.

Your first priority is to your family. You cannot give anyone 100% when you are divided so many ways. When I feel trapped, I retreat. I hide from everyone and I don't listen to anyone either. Are you trapped emotionally?

As I've stated over and over again on these boards, love is about tough choices. There is no perfect answer and there is no choice that goes along with caregiving that probably does not include tears.

But investigate your options, make your mother part of the decision when searching (if she is competent), and work together. Maybe she feels she is being treated like a child instead of an adult. So don't give up, and decide what is best for all in this. It will involve tough choices and a lot of love.
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I talked my mom into moving in because it was the right thing to do. Now when I come home I go straight to my room. At almost 50. I dont know how to get out of this, my family doesnt understand why I feel this way. There isnt anyone else to care for her, just me. She refuses a nursing home, she refuses to let me do anything. She is nosey and listens to everything and make snide remarks about everyone. I feel like I am losing my mind. My choices are to continue like I am or to kill the relationship that I do have. She cant live alone and medicare will take everything that she owns. Its a no win situation.
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Thanks Austin

I have been going for 5 years. I would have been done long ago if not for the responsibility of taking care of my dad. Sometimes I just cannot think when I have all his health problems on my mind.

But hey I am just about to the end and cannot wait to start my new career. At 42 I hope I am going to have enough time to save for retirement which is the main reason I want back. I am in Michigan and worked for the (you guessed it) auto industry for years. I just wanted something I knew I had a good skill for.

So I am excited about to embark on a reinvention of myself that has been in the making for 5 years and I can't wait to start working.

Thanks for the encouragement. Its beautiful outside and I love it--enjoy the weather ladies.

Alice
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Alice-good for you going back to school and knowing you can do is so great -I went back in my 40's and only took 5 classes but I am glad I did it now looking back.
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Hello Everyone,

I have been so busy and I see everyone else is also. Neon, good luck with your mother's move. I wish you some peace and quite I wish I had more. I feel so run down lately. I have been studying every minute in between dads every need. He has been sick lately with huge swellen legs that won't go down because he won't stop the salt and bad food. And he just wishes a doctor would tell what is wrong with him!!!

That's what makes me so mad--all 10 of his doctors have told him NO salt but he won't listen because he knows everything. Anyway--he is trying a little now so that's good.

Well ladies only 6 weeks until I finish my first degree and go back to work. I just want to get to normal and work and live normal and I keep telling dad he will have to rely on not only me and he keeps saying just go to work. OK I'm going.

Anyway--my cousin has been helping more so that had afforded me more much needed study time. I still go over their every day at least 2 times to put his sox on his legs. I don't think it will ever end.

But the weather is so beautiful and I love it and am looking forward to getting walking again soon before I gain another lb. I am so glad winter is over finally. I only dread the spring clean up that I have to do soon.....and I will once again. I look forward to opening all the windows and airing out the house and cleaning windows and the rest for the summer.

Hope everyone is doing good. Have a great weekend its beautiful...

Alice
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Neon- how are things going with the move. I wrote my update on my wall I feel guilty venting you all have it so much worse than me.
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Dear lovingdaughter, "rat race"? I agree with you. The nicer weather promises hope that we can get outside for some refreshing after a long winter, and perhaps even invite our loved ones to join us for some fresh air. I love Spring!
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Answered prayer for you and her! Keep your cool with her, and be gentle with both of you. You know how hard moves can be, and then adjustments. You will both have some reprieve and peace. Praying for your move. Yeah!
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Well this seems like the appropriate thread, my mother is moving back to the apartment complex she didn't like in the first place???? She hasn't packed one thing yet and is already whining about her pain, well what about mine. She doesn't seem to realize that I make all the calls do all the running pack the majority of her stuff and than move it and unpack it and settle her in than go home and redo my house mememememe but I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my sholders and she is going to have a white board next to her phone with all the phone numbers and she can have her meds delivered. I will take her shopping twice a month and to her doc appointments and pop in occasionally it will be a huge relief. She asked me what I thought I told her I thought nothing this had to be her decision not mine. So she said okay than I'll move. yippee
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Hope all is well with all of you. Easter was a nice break, but it is back to the usual rat race. Now that the nice weather is upon us, we can all take a break, take a walk, and clear our heads. Have a good week.
Lovingdaughter
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Wildwind,
I had the same problem with my dad. He was 92 years old and did not take showers at all. His nurse from hospice got him to bathe, take full showers and wash well in between showers. I couldn't get him to do a thing! Carol is right. An outsider is best. Dad had a cute health aid who he adored and would cooperate for her. It is tricky. I would take his clothes away, wash them and then we would put them back on, none the wiser. It got to the point that he wouldn't even give up his dirty underwear. I have mom now and she takes a shower everyday because she in incontinent, and I am brutally honest with her about the smell.

Good luck,
Linda
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Thanks Alice, and all. Praying for your Dad and you.
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You are welcome. You'll find, as time goes on, that there are things that others do better than family members, and sometimes that's hard to get used to. We're used to "doing for our own." But he has pride, and I expect this is a way of showing he won't be pushed around. Yes, a male friend may be best, if you can figure that out.

Take care and please keep us posted. These are common problems, so along with wishing you well with your current (and future) challenges, your tuning in a sharing with us will help others with your suggestions.

Carol
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Thank you Carol, that's a start. I just felt that involving outside people was like airing your dirty laundry. But I guess if it gets the job done I need to swallow my pride and ask for help from someone that's not a family member. Probably another male would be a better idea also. This is the first time I've had to deal with this and I think I have been treating him like he's deaf(which he's not) and like he's a child and that probably makes him more frustrated than me. Thanks again for your suggestion.
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Hi Wildwind,

Strange that you should mention this, as that is my next article topic. It's so common - that and living in filth and not throwing anything away.

Sometimes a third party can help with the clothing and bathing. They get angry with family members, which is why he responded with anger, but that is so hurtful to you. I think that they feel they've lost so much control over their lives, and then we want to control their showers, their haircuts and their clothing! From their point of view we're just bossing them around.

Is there any friend who can charm him or bribe him (hey, shower and put on this new shirt and we'll go out to lunch?) It gets tricky, but trickery is sometimes the only option.

I wish I could wave a magic wand with an answer, but it will be guess work. Everyone is different. I would suggest trying a non-family member as an approach, though.
Carol
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Can anyone tell me how to nicely get my elderly family member to wash himself. He also wears several layers of clothes and I can't get him to remove them to wash them. I don't want to treat him like a child but he smells, he still lives alone but not for much longer. I just took him on a vacation and before we left I suggested he get a hair cut. He tells everybody he was ordered to do it. I feel awful. If I hadn't stepped in to take care of him he would have lost everything. I'm just feeling really sad and frustrated.
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Hello,

Anne, so happy your mothers test come back ok, wishing you good thoughts on Wed you are in my prayers.

Today I have to bring my dad to the doctor and am looking forward to seeing if their can be any relief for him. I'l a little scared the answer is no but I would love to know what to expect. I really do not like the way some doctors pass the buck and will not commit to any answers. I just want a straight answer for once! If this is the end I want to know what to expect and what kind of time frame.

Well, I hope every body has a good day today!!! Thanks for listening again.

Alice
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Thank you dear ladies. I'm at the hospital with Mom now. All her test results came back OK. Still awaiting one. She's on oxygen for COPD, and major pain meds. She's afraid the headache will come back if they send her home. Cancer surgery Wednesday. I drove 200 miles solo cuz my husband and son are sick, so I'm not thrilled to be here alone, with Mom at her house. But she needs someone. I will have internet withdrawals once we leave this hospital. Thank God I have a phone to talk with my hubby, but I really wish he were here. Mom will try my patience and compassion. Wish my better half were here! We are eager to know what to expect concerning her Cancer surgery, and PET scan results for lymp node detection. Sad when parents decline.
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Take care, Anne and be safe. We are with you in spirit.
Carol
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Anne,
Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Be safe.
Linda
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Hope you all had a good Easter. My girlfriend just posted a message on my email, saying my Mom was going to ER by ambulance, and that the girlfriend was going to take care of her dog after work. I was going down tomorrow for her Wednesday surgery. Instead I am packing now. She lives 3 1/2 hours away. Please keep us in prayer. It will be a long week, and we don't know what to expect. My husband and son are sick, so I'm traveling alone. Mom's a mess, and it will be hard to do it all alone. Please pray for us. Thank you. Hope all is well with all of you. Seems there haven't been many postings lately.
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Dear Alice, mitzi, naus, Carol, lovingdaughter, dogmama, and ladies... God bless you for all you do. Alice, I was so touched by your Dad making you an Easter Basket. I took mine to an Easter Service at his Nursing Home today. He got up in the middle of it to hug a kitchen worker in the other room, then came back. Alzheimer's is stealing my Dad. I haven't told him that Mom (still home) has Cancer surgery on Wednedsay. He doesn't even ask about her. I don't know what to expect, or what to do with her, but she told me last week that she's ready to move. Difficult days! Prayer appreciated. Thank you!
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Hello and Happy Easter to Everyone
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Hello and Happy Easter to Everyone;

Do you believe I just wrote for like ten minutes and my post went away. Anyway--Happy Easter to everybody I hope its enjoyable for everyone!!

Dad made me an Easter basket at 42, and it was so sweet. He said he did not know what he would do without me. I feel so sorry because he is in so much pain all the time I wish I could do something for him. I guess being their is the best thing. He was going out to dinner with his brother and we went to breakfast this morning it was a nice day!! They decided to stay and eat at my dads because they we both not hungry and I was glad because I think he needs to stay home and keep his legs up. They are still so full of fluid and not coming down and his breathing is so bad. We go back to the doctor on Tues so I hope they might have something to help him.

Well--enjoy the holiday and take care of yourselves. God Bless

Alice
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Dear Austin, I know its hard to see it now, but how sad that your husband does not realize what he is doing. I think that's what I grieve most about. They have no clue how deep the insults or snide remarks cut to our spirits. I used to get really mad, but I see deep down that he does not know better. It still does not make it easy to forgive and it definitely cannot be forgotten.

You do what you need to. You are right, being a Christian does not guarantee us to have no problems. What it does assure us, which its two-fold, but I'll stick to topic, is that He will always provide. Granted we have to do our part as well.

God did not create us to be doormats and abused. What I would suggest although probably seeming impossible at this point, is to pray for him while doing what you need in order to provide peace in your life. Work on forgiveness because he doesn't really know what he's doing (yeah, don't ya just wonder). It's a way of life for him now. That's a tragic thought in itself.

Take a deep breath, calm yourself, and hold fast. Do what you need to take care of things accordingly. They will not always be easy choices, but down the road you can look back and say you got through it. Take care of your health and sanity! :)
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Austin, No one wants you to be abused. You have been supportive, and now it is your time to live!!!!! Bless you and take care.
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Dear sweet Austin, you are a wonderful woman! The talking to the man, will never do any good. Place him, and leave him, so you can enjoy the rest of your life without the undeserved abuse, verbal abuse is still abuse. But I nor anyone else has to tell you, because you have lived with it, and way too long. You take care now, and Love and Hugs to you. Lisa
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Thank you all above who understand what I and several ladies in this group and perhaps some men go through. I know being a Christian DOES NOT protect you from troubles but you do have a kind loving father to go to with your troubles -I do a lot of praying on my walks-we are lucky to have miles of paved trails where long ago smaller trains went through the two counties I have to use my cane because I have fallen a few times on it, I did ask my doc that operated on me to put it in writing what my limitations are -the husband- said I was faking it all because he was not home when I had the surgery- he even wrote more restrictions then I was aware of. I do not love him any more -how could I after all the abuse I have received from him over the years and the verbal abuse still is present-every time he leaves a phone message there is a zinger or dig or putdown my son said I need to talk to him I will but not alone with just us-he would not give me a chance to talk and would not consider anything I say important anyway. We have been married 47 yrs within 3 months I started getting badly treated but in those times people did not talk about it-and it was me who stopped the hitting and kicking of me and the kids by reporting it to a therapist and he really did not want me to say anything he tol me to be very careful how I answered his questions ans then asked if that was the truth and said he would report it and someone would call on us but instead wrote him a letter and I knew what it and called the therapist and asked if he wanted us killed because he always said rhat and he said the letter was a mistake and someone would come to the house at a certain day which happened-a big dude my husband took it well at first then moved out a day or two later to live with his mother and she was shocked what I had done even though she had told me she was going to report him herself so I let him believe she had done it. That was about 30 yrs, ago thank goodness things are a little better now in this day and age-women like me would get more support now and our husbands do not OWN us now.
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Dear Alice,

Take care of yourself. I know how you feel. All of us here are praying for you and your dad. Take time to get some sleep and surround yourself with the ones you love. Thinking of you,
Linda
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Dear Alice, it doesn't sound good. Our prayers go out to you at this very difficult time. All I can tell you is, to make your father as comfortable as possible, and make sure he knows you love him. No matter how much we try to prepare ourselves, we are never ready when the end comes, because we don't know the unknown. Take care, you are not alone. Hugs to you, Lisa
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