I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
But you do have choices. As a child providing for a parent, it is especially difficult. We make choices out of obligation instead of weighing out of checks and balances. Some people are wonderful at caregiving and providing for their parents. Others need major assistance while caregiving. Some can't do any of it and need the help of a nursing home or assisted living facility. There is nothing wrong with any of them.
Your first priority is to your family. You cannot give anyone 100% when you are divided so many ways. When I feel trapped, I retreat. I hide from everyone and I don't listen to anyone either. Are you trapped emotionally?
As I've stated over and over again on these boards, love is about tough choices. There is no perfect answer and there is no choice that goes along with caregiving that probably does not include tears.
But investigate your options, make your mother part of the decision when searching (if she is competent), and work together. Maybe she feels she is being treated like a child instead of an adult. So don't give up, and decide what is best for all in this. It will involve tough choices and a lot of love.
I have been going for 5 years. I would have been done long ago if not for the responsibility of taking care of my dad. Sometimes I just cannot think when I have all his health problems on my mind.
But hey I am just about to the end and cannot wait to start my new career. At 42 I hope I am going to have enough time to save for retirement which is the main reason I want back. I am in Michigan and worked for the (you guessed it) auto industry for years. I just wanted something I knew I had a good skill for.
So I am excited about to embark on a reinvention of myself that has been in the making for 5 years and I can't wait to start working.
Thanks for the encouragement. Its beautiful outside and I love it--enjoy the weather ladies.
Alice
I have been so busy and I see everyone else is also. Neon, good luck with your mother's move. I wish you some peace and quite I wish I had more. I feel so run down lately. I have been studying every minute in between dads every need. He has been sick lately with huge swellen legs that won't go down because he won't stop the salt and bad food. And he just wishes a doctor would tell what is wrong with him!!!
That's what makes me so mad--all 10 of his doctors have told him NO salt but he won't listen because he knows everything. Anyway--he is trying a little now so that's good.
Well ladies only 6 weeks until I finish my first degree and go back to work. I just want to get to normal and work and live normal and I keep telling dad he will have to rely on not only me and he keeps saying just go to work. OK I'm going.
Anyway--my cousin has been helping more so that had afforded me more much needed study time. I still go over their every day at least 2 times to put his sox on his legs. I don't think it will ever end.
But the weather is so beautiful and I love it and am looking forward to getting walking again soon before I gain another lb. I am so glad winter is over finally. I only dread the spring clean up that I have to do soon.....and I will once again. I look forward to opening all the windows and airing out the house and cleaning windows and the rest for the summer.
Hope everyone is doing good. Have a great weekend its beautiful...
Alice
Lovingdaughter
I had the same problem with my dad. He was 92 years old and did not take showers at all. His nurse from hospice got him to bathe, take full showers and wash well in between showers. I couldn't get him to do a thing! Carol is right. An outsider is best. Dad had a cute health aid who he adored and would cooperate for her. It is tricky. I would take his clothes away, wash them and then we would put them back on, none the wiser. It got to the point that he wouldn't even give up his dirty underwear. I have mom now and she takes a shower everyday because she in incontinent, and I am brutally honest with her about the smell.
Good luck,
Linda
Take care and please keep us posted. These are common problems, so along with wishing you well with your current (and future) challenges, your tuning in a sharing with us will help others with your suggestions.
Carol
Strange that you should mention this, as that is my next article topic. It's so common - that and living in filth and not throwing anything away.
Sometimes a third party can help with the clothing and bathing. They get angry with family members, which is why he responded with anger, but that is so hurtful to you. I think that they feel they've lost so much control over their lives, and then we want to control their showers, their haircuts and their clothing! From their point of view we're just bossing them around.
Is there any friend who can charm him or bribe him (hey, shower and put on this new shirt and we'll go out to lunch?) It gets tricky, but trickery is sometimes the only option.
I wish I could wave a magic wand with an answer, but it will be guess work. Everyone is different. I would suggest trying a non-family member as an approach, though.
Carol
Anne, so happy your mothers test come back ok, wishing you good thoughts on Wed you are in my prayers.
Today I have to bring my dad to the doctor and am looking forward to seeing if their can be any relief for him. I'l a little scared the answer is no but I would love to know what to expect. I really do not like the way some doctors pass the buck and will not commit to any answers. I just want a straight answer for once! If this is the end I want to know what to expect and what kind of time frame.
Well, I hope every body has a good day today!!! Thanks for listening again.
Alice
Carol
Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Be safe.
Linda
Do you believe I just wrote for like ten minutes and my post went away. Anyway--Happy Easter to everybody I hope its enjoyable for everyone!!
Dad made me an Easter basket at 42, and it was so sweet. He said he did not know what he would do without me. I feel so sorry because he is in so much pain all the time I wish I could do something for him. I guess being their is the best thing. He was going out to dinner with his brother and we went to breakfast this morning it was a nice day!! They decided to stay and eat at my dads because they we both not hungry and I was glad because I think he needs to stay home and keep his legs up. They are still so full of fluid and not coming down and his breathing is so bad. We go back to the doctor on Tues so I hope they might have something to help him.
Well--enjoy the holiday and take care of yourselves. God Bless
Alice
You do what you need to. You are right, being a Christian does not guarantee us to have no problems. What it does assure us, which its two-fold, but I'll stick to topic, is that He will always provide. Granted we have to do our part as well.
God did not create us to be doormats and abused. What I would suggest although probably seeming impossible at this point, is to pray for him while doing what you need in order to provide peace in your life. Work on forgiveness because he doesn't really know what he's doing (yeah, don't ya just wonder). It's a way of life for him now. That's a tragic thought in itself.
Take a deep breath, calm yourself, and hold fast. Do what you need to take care of things accordingly. They will not always be easy choices, but down the road you can look back and say you got through it. Take care of your health and sanity! :)
Take care of yourself. I know how you feel. All of us here are praying for you and your dad. Take time to get some sleep and surround yourself with the ones you love. Thinking of you,
Linda