I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Hello,
I hope everyone is doing well! I have had a full week as always and I am super tired. I believe my dad is going downhill and fast. He is mad at the doctor because she told him that their is no magic pill that is going to cure his liver disease. And she told him that they have been telling him all along about his eating habits and how important his sugar being stable is. Well as usual he always knows better then they do. So needless to say he is getting worse off and is starting to be in pain and does not like it. He is having trouble breathing also and this is what worried me the most. He was in the hospital two weeks ago and they told him his heart was fine and no fluid in lungs or CHF. So all the swelling is from the liver now and his legs and feet are huge and his breathing is so bad.

So they are saying their is nothing they can do for him now. I just don't know what else to do.....I'm a little scared because I don't know what to expect next. I take him to the liver doctor on tues but he told me last time this was the start of his liver failure. Everything I have read and been told no one can tell me what to expect or what 's next,

So I don't know I just wish I knew what an when things were going. Does anyone know of this kind of disease and the outcomes? I know that everyone is different. However, I feel the time is near and I don't know if i'm ready yet. I gues I'll have to get ready.

Talk to you later----Alice

dogmama,

we need to share and this site lets us do just that. Can you find someone to share the burden, church, friend, paid caregiver? Ask the hospital what your options are before he is released. The VA has help we don't even know about because the information is not always readily available. Good luck.
lovingdaughter

Thanks for sharing this with us, dogmama. You at least know your aren't alone. You'll find a lot of company with these issues. Your dad's personality may get even worse is he is in any stage of dementia. Sometimes, with people who've always been difficult, it's hard to tell.

Keep coming back and sharing your story. The support will help, and you may pick up some ways to protect yourself. You need not suffer abuse from anyone, but it take courage to stand up to it all.

Take care,
Carol

Glad I found this place. My Dad has always been a mean and selfish person so I've limited my exposure to him somewhat. However, the past few years, he has required some major surgeries and has come to my house to recuperate. He is needing another surgery in a few months and I dread going thru this again. He goes to the VA hosp here. He is pleasant sometimes to the nurses and staff. but at other times, he calls them bitches to their face and argues with them, calls them stupid. It's not only embarrassing but infuriating. He creates his own problems by offending the people who are the caregivers. He takes his anger and resentments about everything out on others and blames everybody but himself. Thanks for listening.

Glad I found this place.

He no longer gets physical that was reported when the kids were small, he is careful to harrass me on the answering machine and JUST give zingers and jabs only and say disrespectfull things but nothing that I could report.

Dear Austin, I am so sorry to hear about the heartaches you are going through. I am praying for you. God will step in if you ask him for help. I know, because I asked God to help me several times, and he did. Ask expecting God to help. You will be amazed! He loves to care for those in need, and I believe you are in that category. It breaks the hearts of your sisters on this site to hear about your difficulties. If there is anything we can do or say to encourage or be of help, please let us know. Lots will pray for you, I'm sure, right ladies? (And gentlemen?) Do protect yourself, and perhaps get some legal counsel as well. If my State Policeman friend and Pastor knew of this situation to one of our church members, they'd probably be paying a visit to hubby... Get my meaning??? In fact, my Pastor suggested I purchase a little hand held digital voice recorder to tape some of the conversations with my abusive Mom. It fits in my pocket. When she talks, I record, just in case, to protect myself. By law, I had to tell her I'm recording her, and she actually behaves better now, but not always. And she sometimes forgets that I'm recording. (You only have to tell them once.) If I ever need proof, I have it. Downloaded to my computer, it's a good thing to have when it's their word against yours. And it's also a good idea to keep yourself from vulnerable situations. I'm never alone with Mom, if I can help it. If hubby gets physical with you(hope not)...run, use the phone, etc. Take care of yourself, and definitely ask for help.

Unfortunatly verbal abuse is allowed and acepted these days and no authorties will step in that is why I had to separarte myself from him and let the machine get the calls now that he is using a pay phone I have to use called ID which is on my phone to not anawer even when I listen to the calls later they make me sick -such anger and meanist I have not heard since the MIL was on earth. My son told me not to erase the messages if it keeps up I may turn off the answering machine-I do not need this with all my medical problems to deal with.

My Dad was extremely violent, and angry and just plain weird. He was wandering and placed in a Geriatric Psychiatric Ward, then a Nursing Home. He stayed in bed, wouldn't eat, wouldn't shower, and threatened the nurses who tried to care for him. He also had some incontinent issues. This went on for 8-9 months, until recently, when everything changed. He is in a new facility, and they have adjusted his meds. They took him off Namenda and Aricept, and put him on an anti-depressant, called Celexia (not sure of spelling). He is a different man today. He is content, social, eating again, not angry or combative, and laughs a lot. The whole nursing staff are amazed at the changes in him. He gives the girls a kiss on the cheek, and takes his meds without a fight. He is involved in activities, and gets out of bed. He talks to the other residents, and housekeeping all of a sudden, and just seems more pleasant than he has been since starting Aricept in 2003. There was a fear that he would decline when taken off the Alzheimer's meds, but he declined so rapidly while on them, that it was worth the risk, especially seeing how he may have some joy in the current stage of his disease, and have some good memories to leave behind for loved ones. He will get worse, we're told, and he will die. We all do eventually. But the med change has been a blessing for him. Sorry I didn't wait for Pkpurs to post. Perhaps she has some other ideas that will help as well. A

I have a question for anyone who posted a commnet especially Pkpurs if your parents are on any alzheimer/memory type drugs and a sleeping pill.

My mother was put on one drug and it made her so mean and violent. She screamed, pulled on doors to get out, would not bathe, always hungry and would not be at rest all day until we gave her the sleeping pill (when she woke in the morning she looked horrible, like she never slept). She had bed wets everynight which was unusual. She seems in torment! My family remembered back when these things were not nearly this bad. So we removed her from the medications and now we have peace. She still cries so we use a mild relaxation medication. She still does has moments of don't touch my head, stop this and that but nothing like the episodes of the medications. We chose not to replace those meds

I believe that there is a special place in heaven for those who care for others. Just remember to take care of yourself because if you don't, you won't be there for the ones who need you!

Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (Matthew 22: 18-19). I am not advocating taking abuse. My Mom stays in a hotel when she visits, because she brings with her a contentious spirit. She fights with me, my poor suffering Dad who has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. And I have to protect him from her, and me from her. That is what the authorities are for, if need be. But I am a caregiver, by choice, and by calling. I choose to care for my Mom and for my Dad. I choose to care for them because it is right to honor my parents, regardless of what they do for me in return. They gave me life, and God commands I honor them. He didn't say I have to bring Mom to my home. I choose not to for my own sanity, and for the peace of my home and family. I tape record our conversations, because she is abusive. I remind her that I am taping conversations at times, because she has told people I am abusing her. I am not. I am caring for her needs, both physical and financial. And I usually always have my husband with me for a witness and my protection. Hope that clears things for some of you struggling with similar situations. In love, Anne

lovingdaughter, didn't mean to make it look like I was ignoring your post. Yours came in as I was writing an addendum to mine. You are right that we should not ignore our own needs. As Christians, we are to love our neighbor as our selves. That doesn't necessarily mean my needs come first. It depends on the situation. I need to go to church, (for my personal spiritual growth) but if my mother needs surgery, I put my needs behind hers. She is very nasty to me at times, but that doesn't mean I am not to serve and help. It is difficult for me, but God is bigger than that, and he helps me. I remove myself from Mom in order to set boundaries, but I can't neglect her because she is cognitively deficient, feeble, old, with failing health. I don't have to take her into my home, and put her into a hotel when she visits. Sounds mean, but she brings a contentious spirit, and that is not welcome in my home. So I care for her, with limits. In the end, we will all stand before God for what we do, and every knee will bow, whether we want to acknowledge his authority or not. Still, he made us and that is the way it is whether you believe or not. So it doesn't so much matter what we think or what we believe, as much as it matters what God says. Jesus commands us: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22:37-41). Whether you believe that or not is up to you. And while God will not force us to love him, he will hold us all accountable for following his Word. Especially those who have heard it. He never said that we are to put ourselves first. As for abuse, and abusive people, often we are to turn the other cheek. Or call the authorities, whom God put there to protect us. God's ways work better than man's...always! And he said, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine

An additional note: being a Christian, or a member of any church does not make us immune from troubles and difficulties. For those of you who are Believers, you have faith, and I encourage you to pray for those who don't, and who desperately need God's help. For those of you who are not Believers, in what do you place your hope? Dealing with some of these sensitive issues leads us to rely on others, and hope for help or something better. Our parents won't always be here, and we have only this chance to try to mend and heal the broken places. It is here we can help, and here we can forgive. How much should we forgive? 70 times 7. Then we can rest. Until then, our elderly and ailing parents needs us. We can choose to make a difference. Thanks for reading. A

Neon,
I do not believe that we should put others first and at the same time ignore our own needs. Those of us who care for our family members are a different breed than those who do nothing. Just because we care for others does not mean we should not care for ourselves. No matter what your religious beliefs are or are not, no one has a right to destroy our hopes and dreams. When we let our children see how we allow others to put us down and treat us like we are of no value, we are sending our children really bad messages. My daughter is so proud of me because I have stepped up to the challenge and at the same time, have not ignored my own value and self-worth. She is getting all the right messages because I take care of myself while caring for others. My husband is a good man who does not expect me to make unrealistic sacrifices for him and the others in my life. This did not come easy. I had to fight the accepted conventions of our society to get where I am today. Our mothers are of a different time and place. My mom was a WWII bride who always put her husband first, her children as well. She put herself last and expected that of me. Big surprise for her when she moved in! Now she sees that my life is full because I have made it that way. Never ever let anyone put you down!!!!!! You area wonderful person who does so much for others. Do for yourself. It will give you surprising results.
Linda ( lovingdaughter)

My heart goes out to all you ladies who suffer from the devasting effects of abuse. I too, was there, once. Thank God it is in my past and God gave me a wonderful husband the second time around. Too bad I didn't know God the first time, or as a child. But God can heal. I am sure his heart is grieved when one of his children is abused by a man, or a parent. Somehow we got off the subject of this thread, but somehow it also all ties in together. I suffered at the hand of an abusive and neglectful mother as a child, which led me to rebellion and poor choices in my teen years. It is this same mother who needs my help, now. She will not be able to move in with me, though, because she is still the mean-spirited, selfish person she was. Only older with lots of health problems. It is only by the grace of God that I have the compassion to try to be of help to her in her distress. I am Guardian and Conservator for her. It is a challenging position for two who struggled for the last 51 years. But God called me to serve, and that I will do, with his help, and the help of my wonderful husband, until my mother no longer needs it. She is a Presbyterian, still, and puts her faith in things other than Christ alone. So even spiritually, we struggle. But as God's child, I am called to honor my mother and my father. So that I will do. And I will pray for those of you who are struggling with your difficult situations, as well. Thanks for sharing your stories, ladies, and your prayers.

I am also a active Christen but it comes to the point the verbal abuse really gets to you and he does treat almost as bad in public inc. Church and put me down as often as he can-one of my friends at church said why get a legal seperation you are already emotionaly seperated and I am not moving out of my house so he tells me he can take care of himself so when the aides are not here that is what he can do- and I am going to do what is best for me God never promises us another day here on earth. I do want to hear any commets you want to say to me and others in my place and I take everything to heart and I do not want a hearden heart but honestly it is at times and the Bible is center in our little PCA church which is a reformed church reformed from the PCUSA that was formed in the 50's and goes back to the early Presbyterian Church and came up to the NE from the south our first pastor planted our present church.

Hi Girls,

I am so sorry for your troubles. I agree that one should never never stand for anykind of abuse and I know first hand that sometimes verbal abuse hurts worse than if someone smacked you in the face.

I hope you will find the confort you need, I have been in this situation before and know that it is never good and people usually do not change unless they want to. I am sorry it seems like after so many years your husbands are not going to change. You must take care of yourselves and love yourselves first because we can only take so much. And we all know that in caregiving their is lots of abuse and hurt feelings. You have been through much please think of yourselves first now its not to much to ask for peace in your homes this is what we deserve.

I am here for you and praying for you--I don't think God wants anyone to tolerate any kind of unhappiness for so long. Take care of yourselves neon and mitzipinki I have you on my mind and have hope for you now. You can overcome anything you want and will be happy for it.

Put yourselves first for once and take steps to allow for your happiness.

Alice

Well said, mitzipinki! O Neon, you are so loved. Regardless of how we feel, God says you are precious in his sight. He made you and formed you in the womb, and will help if you trust and fear not (Isaiah 44:2). Only God can heal the broken hearted, and it was hardness of heart that allowed them to divorce. We know, though, that God can heal the hardest heart, the set the captives free. Neon, if there is anything we can do to show how much you're loved. We'll tell you every day. You have been doing a hero's job with your Mom and husband. Keep looking up for the help you need. He'll not leave or forsake you, ever. He can carry you when you're down, and lift you out of the darkest hole. He alone can give peace that passes understanding. We are here when you need to vent, but he hears your cry and gives you comfort and rest. Look up, and thank him for the opportunity for God to get the glory in all circumstances. You are the apple of his eye, and he will lead you. He will hide you under the shadow of his wings, from the wicked that oppress you, from deadly enemies, who compass you about. With their mouth they speak proudly, but God is bigger than all that. I know you're tired, but look up. God is not the author of confusion, and he will be your help. Do not tolerate abuse, and get help, if needed. Praying for you.

Neon, I believe I was misunderstood. I don't believe God wants anyone in an abusive marriage. Scriptures make enough provisions if necessary to do. I've been fortunate enough to heal mine and continue working on it. Some people however, make choices that force the hand of another. After as many years as you have talked about, I understand enough is enough.

What I think is irrelevant at this point.... abuse in any form needs to be stopped. Maybe this is his rock bottom as well. None of us would presume anything about your situation. Its wrong of us to do so. What we want is to see you get past all the hurts and to heal. It is so wrong for a person to be in this position.

My heart cries for you. Know that we support you and we care.

God loves you, Neon, and so do we.

and in response to your earlier post I do not feel valuable I feel like nothing!

Dear Mitzipinki,

I feel I must respond.

I too am a Christian I understand there is only one way for a divorce. I go to church Sunday morning sunday night I go to class on wed. eve. I do the research for all our VBS classes cradle roll thru adult.

I am very active in the church, everytime we have a fellowship I invite my husband, he does not want to be with those people. I have belonged to "The church of Christ" for 8 years now. I am a faithful servant of God. I to have over and over again treated my husbands outbursts of rage with gentleness and love. Knowing he gets over it within a day or two or after I have made everything okay. God did not say I have to be a doormat. At first he would attend worship with me now I know not to even ask. I look around me in church and see the couples who put Christ first and although they have problems they treat each other with "Love" and respect, all I am is a house keeper, do what needs to be done and excuse me a piece of A whenever he feels the need. If Ihave a need oh well just wait it will be addressed sooner or later. I have tried so hard to get my husband involved, lets have a date night, lets go some place together, but his job his friends are foremost in his life, we could have a vacation planned and if someone else wanted him to do something the vacation would be called off no matter what. I know its happened. If he feels like buying me something that is all that is necessary in his mind to show his love. I don't have to like it, I am a very caring, loving person you can ask anyone that knows me, but I am 60 years old and I am sick of people smiling at me and telling me they need me to do this, mother and husband and the rest of the week acting like I don't exist. I have wrestled with this so much the last six months as we are studying proverbs, I have hardened my heart, why, I am sick of having it hurt, I am sick of dissappointment, I am sick of working myself to death to enjoy what? lonliness, are you like me and know that you are stupid, I am called greedy, only because I want our bills paid yes some are mine, I've worked all my life since I was 15, am I not supposed to have anything? Or just what people think I should have? As of this date I will not buy another thing it only adds to the problem, as of this date I will do what I am supposed to do whether I like it or not but also as of this date I will not pretend that I love my husband anymore because I don't. I have tried to hold this marriage together for 38 years this is nothing new and everytime I think turn the other cheek, how many times are we to turn the other cheek as many times as it takes, I know I ;am not responsible for my husbands lack of growth. But we are two entirely different people and I wonder what I saw in him. I look at him and can't even stand to look at him anymore, I have been here many times, reworked my head, prayed and got what I thought was back on track only for this to happen over and over and over again. It is not going to change unless both want it to change, but you see he is getting what he wants from this relationship, I am not I can talk to him about it I have many times, it goes in one ear and out the other, why he doesn't care. If I leave oh my goodness its the end of the earth for him it changes for two weeks and we are back in the same rut so now what Do I get a chance to be who God made me to be or am I just a puppet? No I am not a puppet!!! I will honor God but I will not honor my husband anymore! He needs to have something happen to him to make him realize he needs to grow. I wonder if God will fix that I am at the point where I wonder a lot about God I feel my faith failing I keep going thru the motions so I don't fall but my heart is dead, dead, dead!

I just received this email: "Stop telling God how big your storm is... Instead, tell the storm how big your God is !!!"

He can lift us when we're sinking, and calm the storms when the waves are crashing all around. God will walk beside us in the firey furnace, so even our clothes aren't singed. And he can lift us on wings as eagles to soar above the problems below. At others times, he walks beside us in the darkest valleys. He helps us over the wall during battles. The Holy Spirit gives us restraint, when we want to respond to insults and injustices. As we look to God, we can rise above evil and shine as lights in this dark world. On the potters wheel, we become clay he molds to make a vessel fit for his service. Praying you all have a blessed day!

Neon and Austin, my hearts go out to you. It is actually a miracle you've made it for as long as you have. What people don't know about me is that I am married to a man who used to verbally abuse me (something fierce), and I am still married to the man to this day. Why?

Forgive me for those of you who do not believe, and that's okay, I'm going to put this out here anyway. Read it or don't.

Only God can provide the healing from something as severe as this. My marriage is far from lovey dovey but what is changing is the respect factor. Everything you ladies need to do is because God asked you to do it.

There are times my husband and I were in the midst of a heated discussion and I could feel at times I needed to stop and say I love him or just sit next to him. Do you know how hard that was when I felt like killing him? Especially after he just told me to F* off? Oh man...

Then I had to learn about boundaries. There's that darn word again. I would make choices based off of him, but when he would start to rage, I had to learn to respond (not react) calmly towards him. Sometimes he would rage like a hurricane and it is VERY easy for me to snap back. I'm defensive by nature and training. So to respond calmly??? OMG.... God had to keep a thumb on me.

It's opposite world thinking. All I knew is that when I read the scriptures God made one thing clear.... God only allowed divorce in certain circumstances (believe me I was tempted to prepare a few situations for my hubby), but the one thing that was in fine print between all the scriptures was anger. If my spouse is angry and leaves then I was free from the bondage.

In our house, God kept things together. My husband never walked out. But daily I made choices to do what God asked. It has NOT been easy whatsoever. There are days.... oh are there days. But now God has given me a different outlook and ability to deal with things. He provides a way out of situations because of my obedience to God.

I know I'm going to get ripped on for this, but I'm telling you, I've been close to divorce three times. I've had my parents preparing finances for me to be on my own. The opportunity was sure there. But it was honoring a commitment. I married a guy that believed differently from me, but I still loved him and still do. We are just now realizing how different we really are and having to respect that in each other. Also not easy to do.

Anyway ladies.... my prayers are with you both. I'm not sure what it will take or what you need to do, but I'm praying for you both. It sure is not easy. But believe it or not, there is hope when you seek.

IF he comes home I will continue shopping for what I want to eat and will cook because it calms me down but he will have to fix his own meals=warming up what I cook and I will eat when I want to and live seperatly in the same house as we did last year and come and go as I feel fit-I was very happy then I have a load of friends and have all you dear understanding friends only this time his laundry might be done so well and he can get his own cereal down from the pantry and put his soda in the fridge there will be desserts but maybe not what he likes my days as a rug to step on are over and if he gets manic at night I call the emergancy no for the psych group he use to go to. Neon you stay strong and so will I.

Well I've always been treated like dirt from my parents, and my husband when things don't go his way and its so laughable that when I get the problem fixed I don't get a thank you , kiss my ass or nothing, its just act like it never happened. he won't go see anyone he's perfect so I am done, I treated him yesterday just like he treated me the day before, I thru the piece of paper at him and he said oh no thats fine and I just kept right on walking. He got his supper thats all he and my mother are interested in the laundry is done and Ihave things to do this week end. I am now going to treat everyone just like they treat me. Ignore them unless I want something but vowed I will never ask for another thing. Looking for a part time job after this job so i won't have to be around the house, I always wanted a home but you can't have a home if there is no respect and no love so its just a house. I could care less about any of it any more not killing myself for him will get my bills paid off and he can do as he pleases. can't take me anywhere but sure can go out with his friends all the time and always has so he needss to pick up where he left off with his friends and get a life. He sits in front of the tv the whole time he is off work he is only working 2 days a week but if I get on the computer its different well I don't care. we have nothing in common he doesn't want to grow and I do have a church family but I can't always be whining to them either. they have their own problems from now on I am not making any decisions as they are all wrong and I'm sick of whatever you think as an answer so from now on he can make his own decisionsI'll do my wifely duty for the time being cook, clean and wash up and thats all I'm doing He wants something else he'll have to look for it some place else, not catering to someone who can't give me respect and the same goes to my mother. Well I'm done, my mind is made up no sense going on about it. When you're treated like crap than there is no reason for a relationship in my book, I will just stay a piece of crap until it suits me to change it and it will change just keeping my mouth shut and getting my ducks in a row. You all have a good day and like yours Austin mine wouldn't dare talk to anyone else like he does to me. I see the future his mother had alzheimers I took care of her while he was on the road he had nothing to do with her care and if he gets it someone else can deal with it I've had all I am going to take. I see his mother in him very much. my way or no way just the same as my mother, funny thing is they both have birthdays in Novemember. could it be november people?

Neon- you said what I feel -I have had it up to here with the husband. Last night at church the elder of our church saud he had gone to visit him in the NH and he was so postive about things I said he only screms and yells at me when I visit the elder said he does not yell at me I said he would not dare treat you like he does me- it just reenforces that I do not want him home it is amazing he can turn his hatefullness on and off- well if he comes home his friend the elder can take him to church I can no longer lift the w/c in and out of the care and lift his legs in and out of the car and push him up the ramp of church--I guess my back problems came in handy after all -even though the husband says I am faking it.

A network of helpers - what music to a caregivers ears. Churches are good places to look for help. Everyone needs relief. It's often hard to find. Lovingdaugher suggests one good souce.
Carol

To everyone who fills the same shoes,

Keep remembering that you are valuable, and take time off when you need it. Go to your local church and see if anyone wants to earn some extra cash to give you a break. You will be amazed at how many people are willing to help. I have a network of helpers who have saved my sanity. Keep up the good work and remember that you are important to us all.
lovingdaughter