I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

(((((((Neon)))))))) When a person gets shoved so far and finally reacts people are going to stand there and scratch their head or their ... well you get it.

As far as your husband (well using the term loosely), do what you need to do. Its never to late to start over, but this is coming from a person who is in a recovering verbally abusive marriage (oh the stories I could tell).

Your mother.... can you get her other assistance whether using her finances if able to do so? I would think at this point you have reached where you need to take care of you or else.... I shudder at that thought.

Hon, we're here, to vent to be honest and to just learn from each other. We do need you as much as you need us to love on you. Don't give up and talk with the social worker that helped get your husband help. They are a wealth of good information when you are blessed with a good SW.

Keep in touch!!

Would it be ok for you to hire a caregiver? Though it would be hard to find a right person to care for all your relatives, but maybe this is good solution?

Thank you! That was so needed. I appreciate your positive advice and approach. Just went to an Alzheimer's Support Group, and was given similar advice and many more helpful suggestions. You have confirmed just what we needed. Not a coincidence in my thinking. Atty, Rosenblatt, thank you! Would love to read your book, and will follow your link. Anne

Dear Neon, I don't feel invisible at the moment. I am so sorry for your pain and struggle. If there is anything I can say or do, I'd like to help. We are all struggling to some extent, aren't we. I pray for wisdom and direction for you. I know you have had enough. Are you firm in taking care of Mom and you? Are there any other options. I wish rest and peace for you, and health for your Mom. What a tough situation. Thanks for answering and writing. I know a lot of people care about what happens to you. Take care of yourself, please. Know you are loved. Let us know how things are going.

Hi Austin glad you think you need me apparently I'm still here.

Anne you would be surprised how much stress a daughter and I might now add a wife can take, to tell you the truth those bottles of pills I take everyday are starting to look more like friends than just pills, I am ready to cut the strings to both mother and husband and call it quits I've been holding it together for all my life now my husband has to act like a well choose a word anyone will do and I am ready to call it quits I have had enough. I am supposed to do everything, think for everyone and never make a mistake because if I do than he won't even talk to me so I don't think I have to take anymore I don't think I can take anymore I don't want to take anymore so I guess we will dismantle everything in my mind anyway and call it quits 38 years is a long time to walk on egg shells with one man and 60 years is a long time to walk on egg shells with a mother I can't take anymore I just can't. How's that for a comment??? so much for being wise and strong. After a while you get beaten down mentally and emotionally and just don't want to deal with it anymore. So I think its time to find homes for the pets, get rid of the house if I can of course, there is always foreclosure, find a small apartment for my mother and myself and find a second job and stay away from both of them as much as I can. At least for the moment thats my plan. As soon as I let my other half know he will not be receptive to the idea we've been down that road many times but I think this one will be the charm enough bs is enough bs. and thats how I got my degree!!

Sometimes I feel invisible here. Just went to see the Dads after being away two days taking care of Mom. Dad had another "seizure episode" as we watched helplessly. They can't both be sick at the same time, can they? How much stress can a daughter take?

Neon-you can not leave us we and I need you comments and friendship I understand how hard life is for you and you have no time but you important to us here so please come on when you can girlfriend

Austin,
Good for you. You get a round of applause from me. Take charge!!!! You have a life to save, your own. Take care and I will be thinking of you.
lovingdaughter

Endrex there is nothing wrong with losing it now and then my 18 yr. old granddaughter calls it having a hissy-fit. Even God has rightous anger no one who has all to deal with you do can be calm -the husband is bi-polor and has personality disorder besides many many physical problems I once told him I could deal with anything as long as he treated me with respect-he will not or can't -now after him being disabled since the early 90's and being married 47 difficult years- the first 3 momths were ok I can't or won't be his main caregiver any more he has had so many- one more chances- and now I have had it he threatened to take all our bank accounts and put in his name-so I went and did it in my name-he had a cell phone that had 30 min a month and he went over by at least 100 min which is expensive so I suspended service-I use to be a mouse not anymore,

Drove 200 miles each way this week to find out Mom has Lumpectomy surgery for Cancer on April 15th. They also found "something" on her lung, so did another CT Scan yesterday. She has severe back pain, and emphysema, and headaches. By the time it was all said and done yesterday, she was a crumpled mess, ready to go back to bed when we left. I felt sorry for her, but needed to get away, too. She needs more help, but we can't have her live here. Closer, maybe, but with the Cancer surgery, not a good time to move her away from all she's known for the last 52 years. She will need 6 weeks of Radiation 5 days a week, and doesn't drive. I live 3 1/2 hours away. Not a good scenario for any of us right now. At least I got their taxes done yesterday. One blessing. Guardian/Conservator 1st annual accounting due for Probate next. Can you say stress?!? At least Dad with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's is stabilized in the Nursing Home 4 minutes from my house right now. Can't wait to go see him today after two days of travel. Lord, will the emergencies cease soon? I'm weary from battle. Much prayer appreciated. Thank you. I know you're all weary, too.

Well, I suppose Agingcare did not receive my email about taking me away from the site so here I am. Just had to say in my case there is no one to pass the buck to and there aren't any bucks to pass anyway. I had to put my foot down this week end, Mother has lived with me 1 month shy of a year and she is still packed up and saving empty boxes for another apartment. She cannot live by herself. So I made the decision for her and I think she wanted me to I told her to put her winter clothes in the specified closet the summer clothes in the specified closet take the clothes off the door she has some kind of contraption over the door, I live in a old house and the weight is pulling the door down and messing with the door knob old glass kind and put the clothes away, she keeps buying more anyway. Take the empty boxes and put in the living room and start unpacking the boxes she has lined up all around her room and under her bed. She has her bird cage hanging her parakeet died, I've offered several times while we were at the same strip mall to let her buy another she has declined every time so told her the cage can go in the attic and she can hang a plant if she likes and if she didn't want to do it I would do it for her. I also bought her a computer and put it together so she can play solitaire oh boy she told me the mouse wasn't working LOL it was working alright she had the tools bar half way up the screen and down the side three icons for solitaire she tried to download antivirus program she has no dsl no sense confusing her all at once, seems she didn't know how to click the card and hold the mouse down and move the card and release the mouse. So after I cleaned that all up she said she was working on it seems to be alot of work she said to play a game LOL I told her practice makes perfect. Now if I could teach her to unload and load the dishwasher. Nothing compared to what edrex has on his plate, my heart goes out to you but do as these kinds souls tell you and save yourself a lot of grief. I am so sorry your wife is having so many issues. I know it is hard on the kids to. I suffer from depression myself but I pop my pills at least twice a day doesn't make it go away all the time, like last week but helps most of the time and I have always been the one to do everything for every one including their thinking so I have a good handle on keeping things running to the best of my ability, doesn't mean it always gets done when someone needs something but it all gets done eventually, actually I am slacking off because It will be here when I'm dead and gone and after last week I might be dead before the rest of em. LOL

Edrex,
Pass the Buck!!!! Tell your brothers that they have to do, not their children. Get power of Attorney if you have not already. That is ,medical, real estate and financial POA. Also, put your name on any of her accounts and put the bulk into a Trust. Don't put your siblings on any of the accounts. You have the responsibility of taking care of mom's needs. They need not to know anything about her finances. Also, when you put money into a Trust, there is a 5 year look back. Hide as much as you can so that it there when you need extra money for her care.
Sounds calculating, but I am there now. My brother has taken what we call the " No Thank you portion" of her care, so we are even changing her Last Will and Testament soon. Good luck and keep writing!

Praying for you both. The valley may be dark, and the storms rage, but you're not alone. God be with you.

Oh I'm in for passing the buck, but sadly that is not my task in life, which I am learning to accept. Hang in there! Prioritize and share that priority list with others and if they (your mom or whomever does not agree), then they need to step up to the plate.

I've learned I have so much to do on a daily basis, I go for whatever fire is burning brightest or yelling the loudest at this point. One day I know I will see the end of the tunnel. Right now I think I'm at the entrance of a 50 ft diameter mile or longer tunnel to be quite frank. :(

You're not alone in that wish Edrex. You, as many, are in a very stress-filled situation, desperately needing help. I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I am also learning some things from your posts, so thank you. I hope you don't mind if my husband and I pray for you.

Hey Everybody,

Thank you to the people who wrote on my wall. (Sorry, I didn't get back to you earlier, but I didn't even know I HAD a wall till today.)

I lost it a little today. I took my kids to a Passover play this morning. (We're non-observant Jews. But when my daughter was 5 years old, without any prompting from anyone , she told us she wanted to learn Hebrew. We didn't want to join a temple, but somehow I found a very religious but totally non-judgmental Jewish organization that has been teaching her Hebrew and about Judaism.) The kids had a great time at the Passover play. Afterwards they learned how to make matzah (unleavened bread) from scratch.

i was so tired driving them home I nearly fell asleep at the wheel. When I got to a red light, this thought actually passed through my head: "I'm stopped. It would probably be okay to doze off for a few seconds here." Thankfully, I came to my senses and pulled over till I was sure I was safe to drive.

When we got home, I fed the kids. Exhausted, I was going to lay down for a moment when the phone rang. It was my mother. She's doing great. She sounds strong. She's in that manic stage when she overestimates her ability to take care of herself. I hired another aide to take care of her when the first aide broke her foot. My mom decided she didn't need help and sent the new aide home. She told the cat sitter i'd hired for her that she didn't need her anymore. As I mentioned earlier she tried to cancel the wheelchair I'd ordered for her. Every time I arrange something for her she either cancels the order or fires the worker. Then the next day, she'll realize she CAN'T take care of the cat alone. And she CAN'T give herself a bath. And she CAN'T drive herself to the doctor. And I've got to call all these people back and redo all the arrangements.

I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but there are 20 MUST DO things on her TO DO list and each one drains an hour of my life. Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal. Except I have to drive more than an hour every day to visit my wife in the mental hospital and manage all of her psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, nurses, and therapists. Plus, kids need to be fed, washed, dried, chauffeured, read to, played with, toys need to be found, fixed, fights need to be mediated, homework needs to be checked, shoes need to be bought, zippers need to be unstuck, and Polysporine needs to be smeared onto cuts and scrapes on uncooperative, squirming bodies. And sometime, somehow, dad needs to carve out an hour or two to do some work so we can keep this American Dream going.

I could be doing a half an hour of work this minute... if I didn't need so desperately to vent right now. Maybe tomorrow. Only I've got to arrange the discharge for my wife. She's leaving the hospital even though she's clearly not ready to. She's going to stay at a friend's house because she knows she can't handle the stress of facing the kids.

My kids are great, cooperative, wonderful. But my wife's worried they'll be mad at her. And that bit of stress could send her right back to the pit of depression that landed her in the hospital in the first place. I'm praying (maybe HOPING is a more accurate word) that in the few days she stays with her friend, the medicines will become a little more effective. And maybe she'll finally learn at one of her daily support groups or therapy sessions how to center herself when faced with the stress the rest of us somehow manage to face.

Anyway, my original point was, that when my Mom called and gave me a list of aides she needed me to call back and re-hire I lost it and said something like: "You don't know what I'm going through. Maybe one of your other sons can make one of these phone calls. Your other sons who spend their f......ing lives on a golf course or watching f.....ing basketball. Maybe they can take an hour out of their lives and make a call for you."

Yep, I lost it. She's an old lady. She raised me. Sure, I was tired, but there's no excuse for that. I felt bad.

Okay, let me re-phrase that. I can be honest here, right? I know losing your temper and using profanity to your mom is not right... but, to be totally honest, I'm pretty sure I DIDN'T feel bad. What I felt was... relief. And last I checked, RELIEF is not one of the "bad" feelings.

Sure I shoulda called my brothers and told them what I needed from them WHEN I needed it. But in real life who does that? Who tells other people what they need in a timely fashion? I try. But just like everybody else, I don't even think i KNOW what I need till I blow up.

Mom actually took it pretty well. My brothers both called me later. (Mom had called them to tell them I was losing it.) I spoke with one of my brothers. I told him some of the things Mom needed done. He said he'd help. And by "help" he meant he'd ask his (grown) daughter to help with some of those things in a few weeks when she comes to visit.

It's an art really. I know this is the wrong group to ask: but how I wish, sometimes, I could learn to pass that buck.

Hey Everybody

Hello All,

I hope everyone is doing well!! Neon--I hope you do not stay away--I am so busy everyday but I love coming here and reading and just feeling better when things get really hard. I hope you know we are hear if you need us and I will be praying for you and your family so take good care of yourself. Sorry you are so sad, I wish I could help in some way but if you need to vent or talk here is where I shall be!!

Edrex--you sound so well thank goodness for the peacefullness sometimes we don't know how stressed a situation is until we see what its like without it. Kids are aware of all things and they know when something is not quite right. I hope your wife can find her inner strength in order to raise her children and take care of herself and you of course.

Things are good for me today I just stayed home all day and my dad said what if I need something? I said then he will have to go get it. But no worries I will see him at first bells in the A.M. I am sure he could not pay his bills or put his pills together without me. I feel so wanted sometimes.

Take care every one have a good week!!
Alice

Austin, it sounds as if things are moving accordingly. Does your husband seem better on the meds or is he still a PITA? How have you been feeling besides your restrictions? Are these restrictions permanent?

Do what you need to do hon. You can't help another person when you are struggling yourself. It sounds like you have a good SW and thank God for one who gets it. Man those are rare.

Glad to hear though that things seem to be moving along. Glad you are doing better as well.

Dear Austin, we are praying for you. I agree, it is time for placement. You must be careful with your own health. Take Care,
nauseated

Hi I have not been on for a while and should be getting ready for Church, after my surgery I found out I have serious restrictions no bend and no heavy lifting and my neck was found to be unstable om pre-op xrays so am trying to come up with aplan so the husband can come home and I can get the help I need with him and he is being a PIA which all of you nurses will know what that is and for the others it starts with pain and ends wirh --s. The social worker is great she has been in the treances with her late husband and now her Mom so she gets it which is only the second SW of the scores of them I have dealt with in the past few years-the husband is under care of a phyc doc and is now on meds-everyone tells me it is time for placement.

One miracle received, more to hope for! Edrex, you don't have to believe to receive God's grace. He is in the prayer answering, miracle granting business. Though to continue to receive is up to him. He loves you anyway. And so do we. Praying for you, your beautiful children, and your needy wife, for continued peace, blessings, and healing. Hope you don't mind if I believe.

Edrex, finer words could not be expressed. You are getting a glimpse of what peace feels like even in the middle of such chaos. Without being a believer, which before I get ripped, is fine. Look at what you are asking? Is there really any reason to doubt at this point?

Mental illness is such a horrible thing anyway, but when it has to do with what I believed you have identified in more than just one of your statements, is that there is a problem with her (whether due to selfishness or a chemical imbalance). The ability that you have been given to provide for all those that surround you is incredible. Even if you are exhausted, okay, let me rephrase that.... since you are exhausted... look at the grace you have been given to do.

We all have a heart deep down to provide for those we love otherwise we would be like some of our other family members and walk away. You have your miracle already.... day at a time. :)

Wow edrex, I am impressed, and was happy for you after I read your posts. Miracles can happen! Kids are the most amazing, and we learn so much from them, even at our age. They pull us through the hard times, with their resiliency. Hoping and praying that your wife gets through this, hopefully they don't send her home too soon, for hers and everyone elses sake. Maybe she needed this time away from home to see that things weren't so bad at home. (I hope) But hang in there, you are amazing. Nauseated

Great idea, lovingdaughter. I haven’t yet told the administration or her teacher. Despite my daughter wiping her butt and then throwing it at me, she really is an amazing kid. Bright, funny, resilient. She holds it together about 23 ½ hours a day, so thankfully she’s still a hardworking angel at school.

Today, she asked the folded paper fortune teller the question I knew she’d eventually ask: “Will Mommy get better soon?” She’s no dummy. She’d remembered that if you want a “YES” you pick the number 2.

And lovingdaughter, it's not like I never complain...

My wife has been in the hospital for a week now. And despite all the work running the house, managing the care of my wife and mother, taking care of the kids and managing their stress, and trying unsuccessfully to make the time to do the work I need to do – despite it all, I can’t remember my house ever being this peaceful. The stress level that my wife’s illness adds to this house is unbearable. This week the kids have all gotten up and dressed without any problem. For the first time ever, the kids have gotten to school on time. People keep coming up to me in the morning saying: “Your so early now!” The bedtime meltdowns last ten minutes at most instead of three to five hours. My kids get along so well with the woman I have who helps out with the children. (Yes, we are fortune enough to be able to hire a woman to help with the children.) My wife fights with her constantly and is always ready to fire her. I would not have been able to manage this household and look for work without this woman’s help. And when my wife does return home I can never tell her how much smoother things went when she wasn’t here.

I’m not a believer, but I’m praying for a miracle that my wife will be able to handle the daily stress of life without breaking down – for her sake and ours.

Time to feed the kids and take ‘em to karate.

got cut off again!!!!

Have you told the administration at your daughter's school about your situation? You don't have to go into great detail, but her teacher should know. As a retired teacher, I can't tell you how many times I was left in the dark and needed some information to help a child. You can tell when something is wrong, but you can't help without knowledge.
I have not gotten to the point of no complaining and mom has been with me 3 1/2 years!!! So, I am impressed with your clarity and growing handle on the situation. Keep writing and we will continue to respond to your letters.
lovingdaughter

Edrex,
Good for you. No complaining

I don't know where to start. It's pitiful to see my once strong, confident wife reduced to a weeping, helpless, terrified, angry in patient. I've chosen to trust the doctors who assure me that she will get better.

I've seen others recover when I thought they had no chance. My mother, against all odds, survived eight hospitalizations and life threatening surgeries that she was never supposed to recover from. Today was my mom's second day back at home. The moment I got back from a three hour visit with my wife who wanted to leave the hospital AMA (against medical advice), my mom called. Her caretaker had gone to the garage, fallen, and broken her foot. After all the time I put in making sure the place was safe so my mom wouldn't fall, her aide goes outside and breaks her foot!

My daughter holds it together really well until around bedtime. For months, our toilets overflowed every day. A plumber finally told us the kids weren't allowed to use wipes anymore. (Yes, even though they're toilet trained there was a convenience of sometimes using moist wipes instead of toilet paper.) My daughter has never really forgiven us for taking away her wipes. The last two nights she had a rash and begged me for wipes. I caved and let her have a couple of wipes from a secret stash. Tonight, I told her she could use two wipes but only if she folded them over so she could get two wipes out of each one. (Sorry if this is too much information.) She got so mad at me, she threw one of her used wipes at my chest. What a perfect symbol for the thanks we often get -- the crap we take for taking care of others. (Fortunately the wipe wasn't dirty, but she didn't know that when she wiped herself and then threw it.)

I can't be angry at my daughter. She desperately misses her mother and is beginning to worry that her mom will never get better.

I learned something new today. My wife made the kids folded paper fortune tellers in art therapy. She sent them home with a note telling them to write only good fortunes inside. They treasured the fortune tellers and filled them in. A little later my daughter drew on one her brothers' fortunes without asking him if she could. When he saw how her sister had defaced his fortune teller he was hysterical. I told him we'd make him a new one. One problem...

I am not an arts and crafts person. Though I've loved folded paper fortune tellers since I was about 7, I never learned how to make one... until tonight. Thank goodness for Google searches and on-line tutorials. I made myself and each of the kids a new fortune teller and the kids and I had some wonderful laughs learning our fates. One of my twins asked if he will ever get to have and play with a giant robot. The answer was: MAYBE! He hooted with joy and pumped his fist. And no one could stop laughing when I asked if I would have any more kids, and the fortune teller said: YES!

At bedtime, one of my 5 year olds had his foot in his mouth. I was horrified (and amazed at his flexibiity). He told me his toenails were too sharp. I don't think I'd ever clipped my boys' toenails before. But I knew I'd better learn how to do it now. Amazingly, I had a fingernail clipper in my pocket. I clipped the claws on his impossibly tiny toes even though I was scared that I was going to pinch off a piece of flesh. After clipping, I'd sand them down with the little file. He carefully checked my work after each toe and gave me his A-ok. (He made me re-do a couple of them.)

I'm learning so many new skills.

Another miracle. My wife just called. This was the most calm she's sounded for the entire week. (A few hours ago when she called it was the most panicked she'd sounded.) She told me she didn't take the anxiety medicine tonight. She'd calmed herself down. Wow. She's agreed to listen to the doctors and stay at least two more days.

And I found a replacement aide to stay with my mom tonight.

When I began this post I thought I was going to whine. Turns out it's two days in a row I can't complain.

Thank you all so, so much.

I don't know where to start. It's pitiful to see my once strong