I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
You are right, it does end at some point. Do your best and do what you can. You know that we care, and we're only a post away. Sometimes it is best to step away from tasks, but even if you don't write here, journal in the privacy of your own home, bedroom, or dask I say it, even in the bathroom sitting on the toilet! I've stolen many a moment there! LOL
We definitely appreciate the prayers, but don't forget yourself in those prayers! God is not beyond helping you and giving you relief when you just think you can't do it anymore. I've been on the porch ready to get in my car and never come back, but there's always something (not dysfunction) that pulls me back. Maybe compassion, or plain 'ol co-dependency. Who knows?
We're here for you girl!! GO SISTAH!! :)
Sorry for your loss, but you are so blessed to have been given such a gift. You will never have regrets, not many people can say that. Edrex, keep strong and you are doing the right things by all your loved ones.
Neon, don't go away. This group really is a lifeline. Take a short break, but come back. I think you will see how much writing to each other helps. You have all helped me so much. Take care
lovingdaughter
Hi Anne, I like reading and posting late at night by myself with no distractions. I even slept in today, didn't have to get up at 5:00am since the kids had another snow day, and added two days to their spring break. Whoop Whoop!!!!!
Neon, such a busy woman. Will be praying for you, and we will miss you terribly, always look forward to reading your posts, and makes us laugh. Take Care, Love Nauseated
Just curious, I wonder what those who don't help their parents out feel after they pass. Thank God we won't have to know first hand.
Alice, you are such a sweetheart. Always an encourager! Hi Naus! You were up late last night, weren't you? No wonder you're so quiet today. Thanks, Mitzi, I read my wall. Love you all. You're such a blessing to be around. Thank you.
Sorry for your loss!
You are so correct is saying that you feel no guilt for have caring for your mother. I hope I can feel that same feeling when ever the time comes for my father.
Six year and counting sometimes I don't know how long I can do it for but I take one day at a time and no longer talk to my husband about my father at all. This has taken the stress out of my marriage and off of me being the middle person.
Take care, Alice
Just a few words for now........my mom passed Wed night after years dealing with Alzhiemers. She has lived with us for about 5 years and my husband and I were sole caregivers. Family was no where to be found. The last months were horrible, The last week Morphine every hour. Thank God for Hospice. I felt so much relief after it was over Releif for her and for us. My daughter (a Downs child) had to take a back seat because we had so much to deal with Grandma. Now we can give her the attention she needs. I know mom is in a better place and would want us to resume our life. I kept her home where she wanted to be and I feel no guilt!!!! The tension in our house is gone!! It is wonderful to be able to go when we want. I don't resent my mom or regret the years we gave her but you have to move on. Do not feel guilty............Find something to smile about...........God Bless each and every one of you. We are all special people..............Phyllis
Anne, please read your wall, but I do concur with you. What an awful waste of time when we turn away. This whole experience with mom, healing, my marriage, and a whole host of other "issues" has made me turn towards Him even more. I couldn't have gotten this far without Him. But boy has God given me a compassion for people in similar situations. I just want to smother all of you with as much time alone (solitude in this caregiving thing, important!), bless you all with your heart's desire, but I can't physically do it. What I can do is share with you and cry with you.
Don't ever give up and keep doing it! Learn to steal some time from you. Notice the word "steal"? This time its okay to take! LOL
I hope everyone is doing good. I am doing good well and looking forward to this weekend just staying around the house.
Edrex--I hope your coming alone, I hope your wife finds the strength she needs to get well and be a mom to your children. Mental Illness is a horrible disease to deal with. But the medical commuity has made great strides in medications with treatment so that people can have a normal life. Once the right combination of meds and treatment is found for your wife she should be able to come home and continue with your life. I hope this happens fast for your sake.
Edrex--Usually when it comes to caregiving it is usually the woman who take over or are stuck with this job because often other siblings are to busy in their own lives. I give you much credit for helping your mother it is very wonderful that you are taking on this with all your immediate family problems. You are turely a one of a kind man and that is good to see. Things will work out for you because you deserve them to. Stay strong--your handling it with unbelievable kindness and love for your family.
I hope that everyone else is doing good its nice to take the focus off our own problems for a while because we see that their is always someone worse off then we are. But that does not by no means minimize any of our situations because we all are caregivers who have given unselfishly of ourselves for our loved ones.
So my friends have a wonderful day and take a moment for yourselves even if its just a few minutes. Be good to yourself--don't forget we must stay strong for them. Take care
Alice
As caregivers on this board we are all going to pour it on in relating to your situation and stressors. That's what we do (smile).
Your wife's diagnosis comes from the root of a more serious issue and you said it yourself... "She's very headstrong and hates not being in control of any situation." I am a 40 year old daughter of a woman who has controlled herself and everyone else for her 70+ years on this earth. She has hurt many people, she has destroyed many things along her path.
If you truly understand this about her, you are going to need to realize that you are going to have to say no to her at times (probably many times), and stick up for your children while seeing to it, that she's cared for in the best place she can be.
God this is such a terrible disease "It's all about me." ((((((((Edrex)))))))) I know for myself in trying to heal from all the hurts, manipulation, etc, when I think about things, I hurt for her. I truly wonder why she wanted to waste her life living like this. It's only made her sick, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But you and I have choices. We help those we can when we can.
Isn't it great and awesome that you found a job where you can work at home sometimes to take that well needed shower? Look at the gift of your mother where she is able to be home and there is an aide who will stay with her. That's no small feat in itself.
There are blessings in everything, and I think the more you look through this than within in, you'll find the strength you need everyday. You've been doing it. And the great thing is we get to come here and breathe and let our hair down for a while to receive from others while we are emotionally spent.
You may doubt it, but God bless you our friend. Take care of those girls (all of them)!!
The news on the MOTHER front is pretty remarkable. A few weeks ago, it looked like she might never return to her own home or live independently again. Amazingly, she went home today. To her own home. The hospital staff was amazed at how well she was doing. She can walk across a room with her walker now. Any more than that will exhaust her. Still, she's so optimistic she tried to refuse delivery of the wheelchair I ordered for. When I reminded her that a) the wheelchair is covered by Medicare, and b) without it there's no way she could get to a dr's appointment, she let them deliver it. (An aide is staying with her for the next few days.)
My wife is having an extremely difficult time. She's very headstrong and hates not being in control of any situation. She has resisted her treatment ever since she was hospitalized. She's convinced that the hospital is CAUSING her depression and she doesn't believe the medicines will ever help her. Today, she refused some of the prescribed drugs. When the doctor found out about this, the doctor told her she was the most difficult patient she'd ever had. My wife called me, hysterical, scared, and in great pain. By the end of our talk, she reluctantly agreed to keep following the doctor's orders.
Regarding work, I haven't let anyone know about my situation. Fortunately, the project I'm doing doesn't require me to go into an office every day. I just need to find some hours so I can start doing some work. As you all know, care taking is a time-devouring black hole. If you're not driving back and forth from hospitals, you're ordering wheelchairs, and then answering calls about cancelled wheelchairs, and then making more calls convincing the non-ambulatory person that maybe a wheelchair isn't such a bad idea, and by that time it's time to pick up the kids, and then there are more calls and then it's time for dinner (I swear these kids need to be fed practically EVERY day), and then at dinner the kids don't say "thanks", they just look at you funny because you're still wearing the clothes you've slept in for three days in a row.
Another miracle happened today. I peeled those clothes off and took a shower. And during that entire shower, no one flushed a toilet or turned on the dishwasher.
I guess I really can't complain today.
mitzipinki is so right. Take care of yourself and widen your support circle to include your family, in-laws, and friends. Also, church groups, visiting nurse, medicare and all the agencies that provide help. Go to the social worker at the hospital and see what they can do for you. Even if it is temporary, their support will help. Good luck
lovingdaughter
Your wife is in good hands. There isn't really anything you can do for your wife until they get her on medications to help. Take care of your new job. That's extremely important for you and your children to be their provider.
It also may be very true regarding the analysis you made about your wife. Sometimes jealousy can manifest itself into manipulation which can rip a family apart if not identified. At least recognizing the possibility for that can help you make decisions accordingly for the needs of your kids.
Will it be time for an assisted living facility for your mother? Does she have the finances to do that? Perhaps maybe doing an adult day care may help alleviate some of the stress?
Your kids are your top priority while your wife is in the hospital. You definitely have a lot on your plate providing for and taking care of your family. Did you tell the new employer about things going on before you started? You haven't mentioned how work is responding or reacting to things going on.
Have you mentioned anything about your wife's parents? Or any siblings? Perhaps if there is a good relationship you can get them to watch the kids for a while so you can crash and rejuvenate?
I know I forget about men in the caretaking equation, and it is a huge responsibility. If it helps, we're proud of you for making it thus far!
Have they given you a name for what the believe is affecting your wife? How young is the baby? Does anyone think she might have postpartum disorder? Anxiety attacks? We have been through much of this and I can tell you, the first drug doesn't always work. Sometimes you have to go through a few until you hit the right one. I know that this sounds really cruel, but you need to stop going to the hospital all the time and takes care of yourself and those children. Give them as much stability as you can. Your wife is in the best place she can be right now and your children need you more than she does. Give yourself some time to rest and be there for your children. Go to work, give them some financial stability, and then you can start putting the pieces together. Good luck and keep writing to us. We are all here for you and your family.
lovingdaughter
I hope you get some relief soon. Are you going to your new job? I believe that is very important for you now, it can get your mind off the family for maybe a little big but at least you are employed not. I hope your kids will see how wonderful of a father they have and I am sure they will. Those little ones always know when something is wrong don't they? People think they are not seeing things and they know. But kids are resiliant and bounce back so hope and pray your wife will recover quickly to help you out.
And I hope your mother does well too. Wow I really thought I was going crazy with just my dad and husband to take care of now I feel slightly stupid for complaining so much.
Try to get time out for a few minutes to get yourself together--your family needs you most now. Obviously you can do it or you would not be handling it right now. I am praying for you and your family. I wish I could help you in some way--let us know how things are going for you and we will be here to listen whenever you need to vent.
Alice
My wife was admitted to the psych ward five days ago. And since that happened I feel like I've been fighting Iraq and Afghanistan. The kids (all under 8) held it together for a few days, but tonight my daughter started to lose it. As much as I reassure her, she blames herself for Mommy's illness. She's a smart kid. I've never used the words mental illness, but she knows it's not like when other people go to the doctor.
Every few days a pain goes through my cheek and eye and skull and I think if something happens to me who's going to take care of my babies?
After three years of unemployment I just got a new job, but I've had to be with my wife practically full time to advocate for her at the hospital. Somehow I still manage to get home and fix dinner for my kids (I do have a wonderful woman who helps me with the kids when I'm not there) and fix their broken PS2 video game controller. But I don't know how much more fixing of broken things and people I can do before I break down.
And though it's only been five days, my wife is definitely getting worse at the hospital. The doctors tell me it's too early to expect any significant improvement, but originally they told me she'd feel much better and be ready to go home within seven days. Then I go on-line and read about people who've been on the medicines they're giving my wife. Most of these people are still suffering six months to ten years after they started treatment.
My wife hates the hospital. She says the hospital is what's making her sick. She begs to be released. Technically, no one's holding her there. She's free to go if she really wants to. But she knows she's not ready to face the daily stresses of home life. And her vague plans of staying at a motel or on a friend's couch just don't make sense.
So I'm left to convince her that, as much as she hates it, staying in the hospital is the best course for her. And I present the case in favor of continued hospitalization with certainty and passion... even though I'm filled with doubt. I encourage her to trust the doctors who tell us she will make a full recovery... even though they can't give us any timeframe.
And it's not easy to tell a sad, frightened, angry 7 year old girl that we just don't know when Mommy will be well enough to come home.
My wife was so desperate to get out of the hospital, but not come back home, she thought it might be a good idea if SHE moved in with my mom and took care of her. At first, I thought that was the craziest plan I'd ever heard. But who knows? My mom's healthy from the neck up and my wife's healthy from the neck down. Maybe together, they make one well-adjusted, able-bodied person.
There. That's it. Just had to vent.
My husband, maybe 10 years ago, said to me "I hope you don't come to the point in your life that you regret not having a life". I, with my know it all self, said "I will never regret taking care of my parents". Unfortunately, I have hit mid life, I am 47. I am regretting not having a life. I am regretting it so, that I too, put myself in a psyc ward for a couple of days. It didn't get me any where, I still have the same problem. But, if i could change anything, I would have set my boundaries with my parents, as far as what i could do caregiving wise. I am trying to set them now, but it seems too late. Now, I am stuck and so very unhappy.
Vent all you want, I am here to listen.
Marylynne
Nauseated