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Hello,

I just wanted to say hello and tell Edrex that things have a way of working themselves out with time. I do know what you mean about timing with things our loved ones seem to do. It seems like the biggest things happen when we have something else going on. I have handled this by not discussing anything about dad with my husband and nothing about my husband to my dad. It works wonderful!!! And dad is no longer allowed to know when I go on vacation because he always pulls something. Last Christmas he stoped taking his meds and got really sick and spent Christmas in the hospital while I was on a cruise worrying the whole time. But the calls stopped as soon as I reached a few miles out at sea...

Anyway my dad is doing better, I just have come to the realization that he is not going to take care of himself, because he wants all the wrong foods that are making him sick. I can't do it for him and I told him today I won't be yelled at anymore because I care about him and if he wants to eat himself to death he can call a cab to go to the emergency room every week!! He did not like that at all.

Well hope everyone is doing good, I am in the middle of exams all week so everybody stay wonderful and do something for yourself this week. The spa sounds so great ladies it is so fun.....and relaxing.....see you their!!!!!
Alice
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edrex,
Thank goodness a man of your character has stepped up to the plate. It is so nice to know that you are there for your loved ones. Your children are very lucky to have you. Have you looked to your church, visiting nurse and the hospital for help? So many avenues of help go unused because we don't know that they are there for us. One of our members to this site clued me in on Veterans help for my mom and it is an avenue that I am now researching. Keep your mom at her home and give your children the stability of their home with you. Good luck, your family is very fortunate to have you.
lovingdaughter
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edrex, thank God your kids are holding up. I do understand your torn feelings about your wife's mental illness. I have to deal with some of that - walking on eggshells, etc. - as well. Not with a spouse, however.

You are having to cope with a superhuman situation. It's remarkable YOU aren't the one in the psych ward! Please keep talking, seek any help you can get, and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Each of us knows the gratitude we get when we do something for an elder (or a mentally ill person) and then they forget and we can't do anything right.

Blessings to you, my good man. Your family is so lucky to have you. Please keep checking in.
Carol
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Edrex at least your wife is getting the help she needs I know from experience how it is to be with a very depressed person and I pray that you get some help with all you are going through keep comming back here I find venting very helpful you know we all understand and care.
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Dear Edrex,

It sounds as if you have a handfull right now. Multiple issues are part & parcel of the caregiving experience as you have seen from being on this site. You know from your experiences on this board that everyone will be supportive as always. Its not easy being torn in many directions while caring for your mom. Depression in a family affects everyone - hope you are finding the support you need locally to deal with that issue for you & the kids.
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Anne, thank you. I am more a doubter than a believer but your kinds words are certainly a blessing.
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edrex, I am sorry for all you have to go through right now. I think of your small children, who have very important needs right now as well. And your wife, and mother. I don't think you're a martyr at all. Not at all pathetic or whining, but hurting, probably, and carrying a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. May God be with you to guide you through the difficult days ahead... I pray you seek his guidance for wisdom and direction. Yes, we may be strangers, but we also have similar situations and loved ones with problems, so we can relate, somewhat. Each situation is a little different, but there is a compassion of understanding and support for one another during these struggles. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you, that you have the strength to do what's right, and can navigate your loved ones safely through the rough waters.

As far as being insulted, criticized and belittled, I can relate. "No good deed goes unpunished." The ones who do the least criticize the most, I've found. Also, consider the source. Who is doing the complaining about you? Are they realistic and emotionally healthy? Are they contructive or destructive. Find those who support you, and encourage you, even if they are strangers. Not all friends can handle our trials, or completely understand our needs. I've often felt like others are living life, while I am "stuck" caring for those in need. It's a place of self-pity we don't want to stay long.

A lousy husband and father is one who dumps their responsibility and runs off, which hardly describes what you've told us about you. You haven't abandoned your loved ones, and can only do what is humanly possible. Vent as much as you need to, if it helps you. And be discerning when accepting counsel. Prayer helps. Keep up the great work you are doing for those God has given you to care for. Praying for your wife, littles ones, and for your Mom as well. Keep coming back, and let us know how things work out... Thank you for sharing your story. Remember, because you love and care, you are a hero! God bless you all.
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Dear Nauseated,

Thanks. I mean it.
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Dear Dear edrex, do not apologize for venting. It is imperative to your sanity. You are doing so much, God Bless You for it. Keep coming here, the people here are so very supportive. God Bless your precious little ones too. You will get through this, you must for them and for yourself. Take Care, let us know. Nauseated
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Considering the latest turn of events, I probably need a new support group. My 81 year old mother is still at the rehab hospital for her broken ankle. They'll probably send her home (to her own home) this week even though she can barely hobble a few steps with the walker. I'm in charge of arranging her home health eval, hiring the aid, and arranging the meals on wheels and the home PT and OT. I'm also the sole parent of three small children since my wife checked into a psych ward this weekend when her depression went from moderate to severe -- which basically means she sank from joyless and hopeless to suicidal. I don't mean to blame the ill, but part of me thinks she chose this time to complete her breakdown because she was resentful that I visited my mother (and arranged all her dr. visits, paid her bills, took care of her cat...) every day. (If it was planned, it worked. Didn't see mom today.) Of course my wife's mental breakdown also happened the day after I finally got a job after being out of work for three years. (The first two years, I was out of work voluntarily. My wife, who was dying to go back to work, got a good job, so I stayed home. Six months ago, she quit when the pressure of working for a hateful boss became unbearable to her.) Ome miracle, of course, is that so far, my kids (all under 8) are all holding up remarkably way.

A few years ago, my mother had abdominal surgery. She was sent home to heal with an open wound. The next day, she de-hissed, which means that her intestines literally spilled out of her. She was rushed to hospital. My mom was awake through all of this. An incredible ER nurse took care of her. My mom called her an angel and asked her what her name was. The nurse told her and my mom said: "I will always remember you." The nurse: "No, you won't. You won't remember any of this."

Two weeks later, she went home, and of course the nurse was right. My mom had no recollection of any of it.

I feel like that ER nurse. (Only I don't get paid for what I do.)

My mother and my wife are filled with gratitude when I'm there to take care of their crises. But as soon as the dramas have passed, I'm insulted, criticized, belittled, and told I'm a lousy husband and father. And now, I'm reduced to this -- a pathetic whining martyr playing for the pity of complete strangers.

Forgive me for venting and self-pitying. I actually called my dearest, oldest friend to vent earlier, but he was on his way to a party and I didn't have a chance to say any of this.
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Considering the latest turn of events
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Alice- my heart goes out to you-it does sound like he has given up and I am so sorry-but God is in control he decides when it is time to go home to him where there is no pain and suffering I sure hope you have a good church family to help you during this time-I think you were right to let him go home when he was so upset about staying in the hospital-that is what I would have done-he is so lucky to have you understand his needs
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hey naus I didn't get to the grandbabies cuz i don't have any and don't look like I'm gonna get any I have to young men that my son has adopted and I treat them like grand children but the bond is just not there they were too old when I met them not to say we don't love each other. I do take them on outings when I find the time and something I think they will enjoy they are so different you have to do them individually and I like when they come over.

hi Alice I hope things work out I understand about them giving up tho sometimes that is not a bad thing it just hurts us because we don't want to lose them but to be humane we must let them live according to their feelings not ours. We as humans sometimes and I'm not saying you are doing this, I just mean from my own experience we think we own them like our children but we don't and things can change at any second. I personally especially after taking care of FIL, MIL and my father and now my mother I want them to be pain free and at peace. laying in bed in pain or not being able to talk to someone from a severe stroke, etc is not good quality of life. I personally think that death (which is our goal from day one) is better than some of the things our parents and others have to live with. I don't mean to sound cruel I am just realistic like that. No one wants to lose someone they love dearly believe me I know first hand but God is in control not us we only get to make decisions that effect others and ourselves. Than we have to live with the consequences. My love and hugs to all of you who are dealing with such hard issues.
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sandy ypu need to leave her alone for about 2 weeks and let her see who cares for her more you or her son.just check to make sure she is alive and well and everything is fine. and let her know until she can treat you like a human with a more respect will not be coming around it will hurt but its called tough love. may god be with you
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Hi Everyone,

I am feeling bad today because I think my dad is starting to go into liver failure. I had him at the emergency room all day and he would not let them admit him to the hospital. He wanted to go home, so I let him. His legs have swelled huge and his bellie is just full of fluid. The doctor said he has CHF, and the only reason I let him go home is because we have an appointment with his liver doctor tomorrow early and I did not want him to stay in the hospital when he was freaking out about it.

I think he is not thinking correctly and he just was not going to stay. I took him to dinner and stayed with him for the rest of the night and I am going back in a few hours. I am just scared right now--I feel bad that he is in so much pain and no one can do anything for him. But then I know what I read and they say that he had to eat right and keep his sugar stable which he had refused to do any of it. I know its hard but I feel like he has given up lately because he is so lonely.

Well thats whats going on here, I hope everyone else is doing good. Take care.

I will let you know how he is doing tomorrow.

Alice
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Neon, you are right. You didn't get to the part of helping to take care of grandbabies too though.LOL THEN after that you get to take care of your parents. I helped to take care of my grandaughter for 3 1/2yrs so my daughter and her husband could finish college, and save up for their own house. They did it, now I'm taking care of Dad. I'm also going to have another grandbaby, which his mom will take care of. When do we get to have a life outside of some sort of caregiving? My 12yr old daughter asked me today, "how come I don't like spending time with grandpa anymore, he used to be fun?" I said the disease has changed him. I made her read up on alzheimers/dementia so that she would understand. She is looking forward to grandpa going to assisted living, because she remembers all the fun things we used to do. Isn't it sad? This should be for the venting section. All of the above are true you should have power of attorney. Good luck.
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Cindy, one thing we did when mom moved in was put some sort of security in our home. When you have so many strangers who come to take care of your loved one, it is nice to know that your valuables, financial records, including checkbooks are locked up tight! I took complete financial control of my mom's assets. Even my brother can't get into the system because I had a bank put a security password on her accounts. I know it sounds a little strange, but I took the advice from a friend and it has already paid off. She has her mom with her, the other sibling was an addict who played the stock market with his mom's money. My friend took control of her mom's money and saved her from having to give half to her grandchildren when the sibling died. Now she has enough to take care of her mom for the rest of her life. Power of Attorney is not just for financial reasons either. There is a separate real estate power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Look into these as well. Good luck
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Hi Austin, Hi Cindy, These good ladies are so right, keep receipts, get power of attorney, put things in action now, it won't be long brothers will be standing there with their hands out. Unfortunately that is how it is. You have enough on you right now and yes, you should be getting paid. My parents didn't work so my mother gets a handful of dollars and 46.00 worth of food stamps a month. So basically we foot her bill to. I am not complaining somebody has to do it. I do ask for 300.00 a month but that as you know doesn't cover half of it. not even close. that doesn't even cover the heat LOL. If your father has assets that are needed for his care he needs to use them. And yes, disease does effect the mind sad to say. Personally I think we should go back to the old way and let people die of natural causes instead of limping them along. Yes, it hurts to lose a loved one but after awhile you wonder if you ever get to live your own life some of us never had it was take care of the parents, get married take care of the husband have babies take care of them now back to the parents some more when I get done with my mom it will probably be me six feet under or take care of hubby Personally I'm sick of taking care of everyone and want someone to take care of me at least make me a meal. Have a good day neon
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Mitzipinki is so right. GET POWER OF ATTORNEY, Cindy, and also use his money to support all his needs and take a paycheck for your services. If you cannot work because you are taking care of him, then you deserve one. I am retired and have had mom for over 3 years. She pays all her expenses and her portion of all the electric, gas, food, and tax bills. We are in OK financial standing because we stood our ground. We even made her pay for the deck, ramp, and addition to our house because we would have done none of those things if she had not come to live with us. Stand your ground. Also, if you have siblings who won't help, get a will for dad and make sure anything that is left is yours. My brother had the nerve to ask me what mom has in her trust, and he won't even come to see her unless he gets a free meal!!!! Thank God that mom is sharp and reasonable. She knows that I have to make the decisions for her, and she is OK with that. Good luck, keep writing. It helps us all to know that we are not alone.

lovingdaughter
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Cindy, its none of my business, but something to look into if you aren't already. Can you obtain power of attorney to manage the finances where you could pay for help and say "Sorry dad, insurance dictates" or are you joint on any of the accounts to still pay a few bills?

That is the thing that ticks me off so much is that while trying to obtain VA benefits for my father, the statement made to not give my dad his benefits is that my parents have too many assets. Well pardon my dad for being wise outside the military service but so the heck what? I'm at a new battle there to obtain them for dad.

Do what you have to in order to provide. Keep your receipts, prove the spending so God forbid IRS or some other government agency has something to say about it. Just make sure you do what you must to provide for your father. Him being stubborn is just too bad. You don't want to be dead first from stress do you?

Okay, there's my two cents! LOL
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Dear Cindy, don't cut yourself short. You're doing a lot more than most people would do. And your father should be more appreciative towards you. But he is sick, and that does affect the brain. However you should be getting a paycheck for doing what you do. A paycheck from him, that is. Prayers to you, and hang in there, it won't last forever. Nauseated
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Hi Cindy,
You've got a lot on your hands. The idea of hospice coming in to help is something you need to look at. They are wonderful.

Meanwhile, it's your dad's assets that are the problem with Medicaid. He needs paid caregivers. Obviously, he won't spend the money and expects you to do it all. You are not alone in this. Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.

Carol
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wow, i read these, and i think i don't have ti so bad. i feel for all of you!! i am my dad's sole caregiver. i have lived with him the past 2 1/2 years(he has terminal lung cancer). i basically have no life, though i try to stay involved with my 9 yr old's activities. it makes it hard though, because dad can't really do for himself. like meals, etc. i have 2 brothers who live in the same town. one hasn't even stopped by for the past 2 months. the other basically only stops when he has to, like to take dad to appts. only because i don't drive....for right now. ..long story, but working to change it. i am in charge of all the grocery shopping, cleaning, yard and garden work, playing gopher to him...get me this, hand me that...etc, etc, etc. he gets up out of his recliner only to eat and go to the bathroom. he sleeps, etc other wise in the recliner. heck, sometimes i think he only changes clothes to go to the drs. outer clothes is just that. he changes when he has to to go to the dr's whether that is once a week, or every 3 weeks. he does change under clothes....once a week! yuck! sometimes if he wets himself he does change then...but i said sometimes. it is just all so frustrating. if something doesn't get done that he wants done, then in his eyes you do nothing. he is very picky about what he eats, so he is catered to s liking completely with meals. and then i fix for me and my daughter. i use to babysit full time, but now have been unable to do so due to living in his house. which means my income is down to my whopping $470 a month child support. which sucks. my bills, and late charges are piling up drastically. i will never get out from under. he is on the last chemo treatment, and they are just waiting for this to quit working. after that it is downhill fast. which means more on me i am sure. i am thinking once it gets to a certain point, hospice is just going to have to come in and do alot. my dad can't afford nursing home, and doesn't qualify for medicaid programs that offer in home care. he has too many assets, but to him he has NOTHING. he won't spend a penny on anything, but his monthly have to bills. i buy all me and my daughter's groceries. even down to our own toilet paper cause i refuse to give him any reason to blame us on his grocery bill which he has tried to do many many times. he even tries to blame us if his water or electric bill goes up. but i am still expected to be there 24/7 most of the time.

oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.

cindy
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wow, i read these, and i think i don't have ti so bad. i feel for all of you!! i am my dad's sole caregiver. i have lived with him the past 2 1/2 years(he has terminal lung cancer). i basically have no life, though i try to stay involved with my 9 yr old's activities. it makes it hard though, because dad can't really do for himself. like meals, etc. i have 2 brothers who live in the same town. one hasn't even stopped by for the past 2 months. the other basically only stops when he has to, like to take dad to appts. they both keep up with their lives. personal lives, etc. they go here and there..etc. i am in charge of all the grocery shopping, cleaning, yard and garden work, playing gopher to him...get me this, hand me that...etc, etc, etc. he gets up out of his recliner only to eat and go to the bathroom. he sleeps, etc other wise in the recliner. and who am i to judege that he canor cannot do for himself. sometimes i think he could do more. but i do know he is already on oxygen and some days he is really bad. heck,even changing sometimes i think he only changes clothes to go to the drs. outer clothes is just that. he changes when he has to to go to the dr's whether that is once a week, or every 3 weeks. he does change under clothes....once a week! yuck! sometimes if he wets himself he does change then...but i said sometimes. it is just all so frustrating. if something doesn't get done that he wants done, then in his eyes you do nothing. he is very picky about what he eats, so he is catered to his liking completely with meals. and then i fix for me and my daughter. i use to babysit full time, but now have been unable to do so due to living in his house. which means my income is down to my whopping $470 a month child support. which sucks. my bills, and late charges are piling up drastically. i will never get out from under. he is on the last chemo treatment, and they are just waiting for this to quit working. after that it is downhill fast. which means more on me i am sure. i am thinking once it gets to a certain point, hospice is just going to have to come in and do alot. my dad can't afford nursing home, and doesn't qualify for medicaid programs that offer in home care. he has too many assets, but to him he has NOTHING. he won't spend a penny on anything, but his monthly have to bills. i buy all me and my daughter's groceries. even down to our own toilet paper cause i refuse to give him any reason to blame us on his grocery bill which he has tried to do many many times. he even tries to blame us if his water or electric bill goes up. but i am still expected to be there 24/7 most of the time.

oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.

cindy
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Hello everyone, and welcome edrex, there is a lot of good information on here. Yes, put your family first.

Over the weekend mothers blood pressure dropped drastically it is usally so high so guess something is going on like I suspected but she is so stubborn won't tell the doctor anything so need to call him and inform him. There is that old stigma that goes with nursing homes but for the most part they have come a long way. If it gets to the point where my mom has to go to one she will whether she agrees or not. Over the week end my arthritis' and muscles and deteriorating discs gave me a fit I don't see me a 122 lb woman liting a 175 lb woman anytime in the future. I will visit often and let the staff know I am a part of their team so there will not be anything going on tha shouldn't because mother does like to make up stories that is why she is living with me, she made up a great big story. LOL have a good day neon
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Dear Edrex...I know how important is a pet for a person that owns it...it is like a family member, but when it threats life or health, you most give away the pet.
do not feel guilty, your child is first.
I think you are a good son. Not all of the "boys" I know do what you are actually doing.
I hope your mom is more flexible and can give her cat to a person that can take good care of him, otherwise you most keep her in a nice nursing home.
God Bless you.
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Hey June - you take care of yourself, although I know it's hard when your husband is so demanding. How much longer will he be in rehab? (sorry - I've been pretty tied up with my mom, so I don't remember).

I was thinking about what Edrex asked & everyone has been sharing about their own experiences. The one thing I don't think I saw yet, is he might be able to connect with his local area council on aging about a roommate matching service. Especially in this down economy there are alot of seniors who are retired on fixed income that don't own their own homes - - it is just a thought, and would definitely take some screening & oversight, but maybe the income from the rental and companionship might cover the costs of in home services & reduce the hours of service needed. This is supposing that 95% of the time or more, Edrex's mom only needs to have someone else there to 'be there'. It would not take the place of whatever actual care she needed, but might help balance things out and take some pressure off Edrex too.
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Thank you everyone for you concerns-I overdid it today doing arrends and going to myfavorite clothing store--Goodwill when I lost 50 lbs I took them my fat clothes and now am buying less fat but too fat clothes while I was in A and P I got numbness and pain in my leg -after I got home and rested it went away-but it was a scare. The 3 hrs. I was out the husband called 5 times to buy things he saw advertised on T.V. and to give me ORDERS of things he needs it is amazing how he acts like most of your parents only thinking of himself not once asking me how I felt. He only has 30 min. on his phone plan a month-I hope it is used up so he stops calling so often-both times I went to see him in the rehab he argued with me about everything-I was going to see him on Mon- now am rethinking it he knows that if he gives me a hard time I will stay away for a while-sorry I am just venting
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Hello Everyone,

Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home
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Hello Everyone,

Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home so that you can relax and heel yourself....Take care and get some rest!!!!

Edrex--this is a very important issue, think it over and put your family, your children first. We do not owe our parents our lives or to put our children in that situation either. Your wife needs your attention. Good Luck with everything we are hear for eachother in these situations.

And one more thing--my husband and I have made arrangements for our future and it does not involve putting anyone out or haveing to take advantage of anyone for our care. We plan to move to a senior living community. They are beautiful and can help in every matter you may have. Carol--I agree with you and want to take care of myself.

Take care
Alice
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