I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I just wanted to say hello and tell Edrex that things have a way of working themselves out with time. I do know what you mean about timing with things our loved ones seem to do. It seems like the biggest things happen when we have something else going on. I have handled this by not discussing anything about dad with my husband and nothing about my husband to my dad. It works wonderful!!! And dad is no longer allowed to know when I go on vacation because he always pulls something. Last Christmas he stoped taking his meds and got really sick and spent Christmas in the hospital while I was on a cruise worrying the whole time. But the calls stopped as soon as I reached a few miles out at sea...
Anyway my dad is doing better, I just have come to the realization that he is not going to take care of himself, because he wants all the wrong foods that are making him sick. I can't do it for him and I told him today I won't be yelled at anymore because I care about him and if he wants to eat himself to death he can call a cab to go to the emergency room every week!! He did not like that at all.
Well hope everyone is doing good, I am in the middle of exams all week so everybody stay wonderful and do something for yourself this week. The spa sounds so great ladies it is so fun.....and relaxing.....see you their!!!!!
Alice
Thank goodness a man of your character has stepped up to the plate. It is so nice to know that you are there for your loved ones. Your children are very lucky to have you. Have you looked to your church, visiting nurse and the hospital for help? So many avenues of help go unused because we don't know that they are there for us. One of our members to this site clued me in on Veterans help for my mom and it is an avenue that I am now researching. Keep your mom at her home and give your children the stability of their home with you. Good luck, your family is very fortunate to have you.
lovingdaughter
You are having to cope with a superhuman situation. It's remarkable YOU aren't the one in the psych ward! Please keep talking, seek any help you can get, and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Each of us knows the gratitude we get when we do something for an elder (or a mentally ill person) and then they forget and we can't do anything right.
Blessings to you, my good man. Your family is so lucky to have you. Please keep checking in.
Carol
It sounds as if you have a handfull right now. Multiple issues are part & parcel of the caregiving experience as you have seen from being on this site. You know from your experiences on this board that everyone will be supportive as always. Its not easy being torn in many directions while caring for your mom. Depression in a family affects everyone - hope you are finding the support you need locally to deal with that issue for you & the kids.
As far as being insulted, criticized and belittled, I can relate. "No good deed goes unpunished." The ones who do the least criticize the most, I've found. Also, consider the source. Who is doing the complaining about you? Are they realistic and emotionally healthy? Are they contructive or destructive. Find those who support you, and encourage you, even if they are strangers. Not all friends can handle our trials, or completely understand our needs. I've often felt like others are living life, while I am "stuck" caring for those in need. It's a place of self-pity we don't want to stay long.
A lousy husband and father is one who dumps their responsibility and runs off, which hardly describes what you've told us about you. You haven't abandoned your loved ones, and can only do what is humanly possible. Vent as much as you need to, if it helps you. And be discerning when accepting counsel. Prayer helps. Keep up the great work you are doing for those God has given you to care for. Praying for your wife, littles ones, and for your Mom as well. Keep coming back, and let us know how things work out... Thank you for sharing your story. Remember, because you love and care, you are a hero! God bless you all.
Thanks. I mean it.
A few years ago, my mother had abdominal surgery. She was sent home to heal with an open wound. The next day, she de-hissed, which means that her intestines literally spilled out of her. She was rushed to hospital. My mom was awake through all of this. An incredible ER nurse took care of her. My mom called her an angel and asked her what her name was. The nurse told her and my mom said: "I will always remember you." The nurse: "No, you won't. You won't remember any of this."
Two weeks later, she went home, and of course the nurse was right. My mom had no recollection of any of it.
I feel like that ER nurse. (Only I don't get paid for what I do.)
My mother and my wife are filled with gratitude when I'm there to take care of their crises. But as soon as the dramas have passed, I'm insulted, criticized, belittled, and told I'm a lousy husband and father. And now, I'm reduced to this -- a pathetic whining martyr playing for the pity of complete strangers.
Forgive me for venting and self-pitying. I actually called my dearest, oldest friend to vent earlier, but he was on his way to a party and I didn't have a chance to say any of this.
hi Alice I hope things work out I understand about them giving up tho sometimes that is not a bad thing it just hurts us because we don't want to lose them but to be humane we must let them live according to their feelings not ours. We as humans sometimes and I'm not saying you are doing this, I just mean from my own experience we think we own them like our children but we don't and things can change at any second. I personally especially after taking care of FIL, MIL and my father and now my mother I want them to be pain free and at peace. laying in bed in pain or not being able to talk to someone from a severe stroke, etc is not good quality of life. I personally think that death (which is our goal from day one) is better than some of the things our parents and others have to live with. I don't mean to sound cruel I am just realistic like that. No one wants to lose someone they love dearly believe me I know first hand but God is in control not us we only get to make decisions that effect others and ourselves. Than we have to live with the consequences. My love and hugs to all of you who are dealing with such hard issues.
I am feeling bad today because I think my dad is starting to go into liver failure. I had him at the emergency room all day and he would not let them admit him to the hospital. He wanted to go home, so I let him. His legs have swelled huge and his bellie is just full of fluid. The doctor said he has CHF, and the only reason I let him go home is because we have an appointment with his liver doctor tomorrow early and I did not want him to stay in the hospital when he was freaking out about it.
I think he is not thinking correctly and he just was not going to stay. I took him to dinner and stayed with him for the rest of the night and I am going back in a few hours. I am just scared right now--I feel bad that he is in so much pain and no one can do anything for him. But then I know what I read and they say that he had to eat right and keep his sugar stable which he had refused to do any of it. I know its hard but I feel like he has given up lately because he is so lonely.
Well thats whats going on here, I hope everyone else is doing good. Take care.
I will let you know how he is doing tomorrow.
Alice
lovingdaughter
That is the thing that ticks me off so much is that while trying to obtain VA benefits for my father, the statement made to not give my dad his benefits is that my parents have too many assets. Well pardon my dad for being wise outside the military service but so the heck what? I'm at a new battle there to obtain them for dad.
Do what you have to in order to provide. Keep your receipts, prove the spending so God forbid IRS or some other government agency has something to say about it. Just make sure you do what you must to provide for your father. Him being stubborn is just too bad. You don't want to be dead first from stress do you?
Okay, there's my two cents! LOL
You've got a lot on your hands. The idea of hospice coming in to help is something you need to look at. They are wonderful.
Meanwhile, it's your dad's assets that are the problem with Medicaid. He needs paid caregivers. Obviously, he won't spend the money and expects you to do it all. You are not alone in this. Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.
Carol
oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.
cindy
oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.
cindy
Over the weekend mothers blood pressure dropped drastically it is usally so high so guess something is going on like I suspected but she is so stubborn won't tell the doctor anything so need to call him and inform him. There is that old stigma that goes with nursing homes but for the most part they have come a long way. If it gets to the point where my mom has to go to one she will whether she agrees or not. Over the week end my arthritis' and muscles and deteriorating discs gave me a fit I don't see me a 122 lb woman liting a 175 lb woman anytime in the future. I will visit often and let the staff know I am a part of their team so there will not be anything going on tha shouldn't because mother does like to make up stories that is why she is living with me, she made up a great big story. LOL have a good day neon
do not feel guilty, your child is first.
I think you are a good son. Not all of the "boys" I know do what you are actually doing.
I hope your mom is more flexible and can give her cat to a person that can take good care of him, otherwise you most keep her in a nice nursing home.
God Bless you.
I was thinking about what Edrex asked & everyone has been sharing about their own experiences. The one thing I don't think I saw yet, is he might be able to connect with his local area council on aging about a roommate matching service. Especially in this down economy there are alot of seniors who are retired on fixed income that don't own their own homes - - it is just a thought, and would definitely take some screening & oversight, but maybe the income from the rental and companionship might cover the costs of in home services & reduce the hours of service needed. This is supposing that 95% of the time or more, Edrex's mom only needs to have someone else there to 'be there'. It would not take the place of whatever actual care she needed, but might help balance things out and take some pressure off Edrex too.
Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home
Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home so that you can relax and heel yourself....Take care and get some rest!!!!
Edrex--this is a very important issue, think it over and put your family, your children first. We do not owe our parents our lives or to put our children in that situation either. Your wife needs your attention. Good Luck with everything we are hear for eachother in these situations.
And one more thing--my husband and I have made arrangements for our future and it does not involve putting anyone out or haveing to take advantage of anyone for our care. We plan to move to a senior living community. They are beautiful and can help in every matter you may have. Carol--I agree with you and want to take care of myself.
Take care
Alice