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Thanks for the advice , cologirl42, I am going to look into the va now. Keeping firm and staying cool is the best advice you could give anyone. Stay in control!!!
Thanks,
Loving daughter
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When my mother age 87, came to live with my husband and I DEc. 7, 2007,( a day that will go down in Infamy, as my husband says). She was moving here from another state so we got her to go with us to a lawyer and write a new will making me her legal power of attorney and medical power of attorney as well. What a god send that was. All the complaints you all have , we experienced too. She is legally blind, in poor health and some dimentia. She was demanding to go back to live on her own and I just told her "NO". I told her she could go to assisted living and that was the only alternative. At 87 we thought she would have enough money to last about 3 years. She was eligible for a VA benifit called "Aid and Attendance" so I applied for that. (check that out). It has not come through yet but I believe it will. It will strech out their funds even for Assisted living. I know it is expensive but if you can get them in that kind of facility , do it.
She lived there 4 months . AT first she begged to come back but I stuck to my guns and said no. She almost destroyed my marriage and my sanity. I felt such a sense of relief when she was gone. The home was only 15 min away from my house so I went over about 1 or 2 times a week. That was all. She got used to it and made friends and had activities. AT 4 months she fell and broke her hip, they kept her in hosp. for the required time of 3 days and then we transfered her to a nursing home for the rehab. I told nursing home she would stay there. When she runs out of money we will apply for medicaid. The nursing home helps us do all the paperwork. Now she has a boyfriend, That is a whole other subject. She and her new man are now demanding to live in the same room at the nursing home. and I think my mother is trying to manulipulate him to go back to his house to live which is out of the question as they are both blind, and dimemted a little and confined to a wheelchair. The important thing is to stay in control, lovingly, but filrm. Don't let them ruin your life. Don't be afraid to say no. You will be amazed at how liberating it is.
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Mitzipinki is so right. Things are changing and she has some very sound advice. My mom always needs just one more thing before I go out the door. It is the guilt game and moms can play it better than anyone. Be strong. You have our support. Good luck
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Heavyload... you said at the beginning of this thread that you were thinking of a nursing home, and just a few posts ago it was assisted living. Have you ever considered or try talking to your mother about the differences between nursing homes and assisted living? It may make it a bit easier for her to make a decision. The other thing is you have to feel comfortable with the assisted living.

I made appointments to take dad and so forth to assisted living facilities to try and find something for "to help mom to heal". I went into a couple that were just so sterile and not the right arrangement for mom and dad. When I walked into the last one I just knew. It was elegant, it had a nice size apartment, housecleaning, laundry for them, and just such an awesome staff. So maybe you need to present the assisted living more like her independence but with help. A nursing home is for people who need medical assistance, etc.

But I will tell you oh I wouldn't put my vacation on hold and I would not let her dictate to me. That area of control may even constitute her getting "ill" before you leave just so you won't leave on your vacation (don't put it past anyone).

Do what you need to do and feel peace in your heart about your decision for whatever you need to do. Just don't let the guilt monster sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear. Businesses are changing and senior care is improving and thankfully they are changing the stigma of nursing homes. Show her different ones and how they vary. Give her some options that don't include you and let her choose, but she must make the choice in the end.
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Heavyload Take charge and take that vacation!!!!!! She gave you life, but she does not have the right to control your life! Be strong. You are such a good person for doing what you do. My brother never even comes to see my mom, and he lives 37 miles away. Good luck
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This is Neon yes my Dad died 1 1/2 years ago and I have my mother living with me since April. My mom is the same way nothing makes her happy well except a big meal she loves a good meal and her thanks is well that hit the spot like I don't feed her the other 4 days a week LOL.34 thats about it. Yes, take the vacation don't look back God gave you a life to. She will get over it.
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Heavyload, she is probably like granny, nothing will make her happy. you take that vacation and don't look back.
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I appoligize i misread that last line. MY dad died 18 years ago he was an only child my grandfather died a year ago, and granny is still here.
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Hi Everyone,

Well I started this whole discussion. Took my mother to a very nice Assisted Living Facility to have lunch and tour. My husband and I would like to take a vacation without Mom and thought that this would be the best way to go since she cannot stay alone. Well...she made it very clear to the staff that she did not like the place at all because of all the old people. My mother will be 81 this year. I had to leave before the entire interview was completed because she just made me feel so bad, and had me in tears. I have tried to do my best for her the past three years, but nothing seems to make her happy. She is such a negative person. I had to go back to work and can hardly wait to go home and discuss this with her. My mother is not demented so she knows exactly what she is saying when she says it. She never appreciates anything that is done for her. I have cared and provided for her so that she did not have to spend the rest of her life in an assisted living facility or a nursing home, but I just don't know how much more I can take. My husband and I are still planning on going on vacation so she can just "lump it".
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Neon has her Mom, right. That is what I meant. Alive has her dad. Did your dad pass recently? I am so sorry, I know how hard that is to bear. God bless.
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lovingdaughter, sorry to say Neons dad passed away. your move sounds like a good thing. good luck
Dare
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Glad you ar both doing better. I may be putting our house on the market next year, moving to an adult golf community. Of course, we get to take mom with us!! The move will take much of the pressure off of us financially, and we will be with our best friends who are moving this year to the same community. Now we need an entire new crop of doctors and caregivers! I do think that the move will be a positive one for all three of us. Take care. Good luck with our mom, Neon and your dad, Alice. Spring is coming!!!!!!

Lovingdaughter
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Hi lovingdaughter glad to hear from you and glad things have settled down.

Alice so glad your dad is able to stay in his home and your cousin is helping you out thats so good they feel better or most of them do when they can stay in their own home and I am assuming your cousin is a male so that is good company for him especially breakfast out every morning oh what a treat. Yes, it makes a difference but all people are different, my mom is still living with me I see her or I think I see her going down hill each month. I have had that talk about her doing things that I know she can do, but she wants a note everyday, I don't have time for notes for pity sake if you can't see that it needs to be done than I'll get to it when I get to it
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Hello everyone,

I have been busy as well as everyone else. Everything with dad has calmed down after his last hospital stay he is doing a lot more for himself. He now is in his own apartment and I have a cousin who is helping me out with him. Just him taking some time off me has been such a huge help I actually feel so much better.

I could have never imagained how much one person helping out could mean. He takes dad out for breakfast and if I need him to he brings him to his apointments. But I have been taking him because thats our time and I know he misses me being around. But I talk to him several times a day and usually see him everyday but I just don't worry all the time and he has layed off the demands since we had "words" about how I am very tired and need to have my time. I am so glad I did that. I just hope he stays healthy for a while longer. We have a mutual agreement that as long as he is capable of taking care of himself with out running me ragged he can stay in his apartment but if he gets sick or starts to fail in taking care of himself we are going to look at assisted living situations.

He knows that I cannot do everything by myself. I still pay him bills and take him to the doctor and see him usually daily I just don't feel pressured anymore because he is doing things for himself instead of waiting for me. So you really have to talk to them and tell them how you feel and what you can handle so they know. My dad said I did not realize how much you were doing for me untill he took his life back and did for himself. SO I guess I was wrong too in doing everything for him--he is doing better now because he is responsible for himself again and can handle most things.

I hope everyone is doing well have a good weekend
Alice
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Hi everyone. It has been a long time since I have written. Just wanted to make sure everyone is OK. Things seem to quiet down after the holidays. Spring is coming and with that, I hope, some well deserved rest and sunshine. Be well and remember to take care of yourselves.
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Oh honey I know how you must be feeling I got 20 years on ya I've been disowned so many times its hysterical, especially coming from parents that don't have a pot to pee in a window to throw it out of and a sidewalk to hit. Hey, he's always going to need you more than you need him. And take it from me someone with dementia and Alzheimers doesn't even know what they are saying much less remember it. I took care of my mother in law with dementia and alzheimers believe me it is no easy task. My mother whom I take care of now accused me of liking my mother in law more than her, now I took care of Dad a few years ago and now she is saying I always liked him better than her???? and your point is I am taking care of you to figure it out lady LOL It will be okay I take stuff for anxiety to I've had it since I was a kid and I am 60 take they make you happy. At least they are prescribed. ha Don't give him your power because baby you got it! Neon
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well its official I have been put on meds to deal with my father, I have always had anxiety attacts since i was little but lately they are so bad that i get sick and throw up, when my husband told him that it made me feel bad that he got my emmediate family gifts for christmas and not me and that i was now on meds he said he would take me to breakfast , sorry a 7 dollar breakfast isnt going to make me get over 40 years of abuse so becasue we didnt go now hes cutting me out of his will. How is that evern possible hes been diagnosed with severe dementia and alhz . what a jerk i move in to take care of him and this is the thanks i get go figure. no good deed goes unpunished . miak
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I could not agree more with mitzpinki more. She is so right. Set the boundaries. I did, and we are getting along very nicely. I will not give up my life. I say that everyday and sometimes to her face. She gets it because I enforce the rules. My husband and I go out every Saturday night and sometimes even on Sundays. She doesn't like it, too bad. I schedule time for just her. We watch American Idol every night that it is on together in her apartment on her TV. No husband to bother us. She really appreciates the hour twice a week. When that is not on and the weather is nice, we sit outside, have a glass a wine at night after dinner. God luck
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To Rozslvk, I'll agree with Lovingdaughter on this one.... I'm not saying we should not care for our parents, but there is a line here that parents seem to forget (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not their fault). When things are done on purpose like taking your extra money, etc and starts putting up a fuss all on your dime and time, enough is enough.

Its blatant behavior. Sweetheart, its time to lay down some boundaries. Not for her, because she's never going to respect them coming from anyone. The boundaries are for you and your sanity and health.

When it comes to the food, label her food and your food if necessary. Put a lock on the fridge for crying out loud... but make those boundaries as clear as day. When it comes to money, get a separate account with just your name.

The few extra pain in the butt steps are going to help alleviate a lot of this frustration. Then its... "that's just the way it is" to fall back on.

Take it from members here who have taken their crap-load of manipulation.... lay it down. Start with small boundaries, set penalties that you know she will not like and ENFORCE them!! Its no different with children. And yes, we can do it with a smile and with love and not be the mean S.O.B.'s we're told we are.

Enforcement is all a part of setting boundaries so they learn we mean it.

To heavyload, don't feel guilty for your choice(s). You can only do so much. Explain it with her and give her choices that you both can live with. Check into assisted living, 24/7 caregiver service, and then the nursing home. Find what options work best and possibly present her with the pros & cons (if she's reasonable to do so).

The stigma of putting a loved one in a nursing home does not mean we are bad and so forth. Things have come a long way in caring for the elderly. You can only do the best you can do, and remember you can't honor your mother or father if you are dead in the grave.

We're all here for you and sorry for the length.
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message keeps getting cut off. Rozslvk, take control.. Hide your money. Can you put it in a account that only you have access to? We are so lucky to have found each other. Keep writing. Everyone has been such a great help to me and I know that we all appreciate each other. Welcome to the group
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We are snowed-in here in NJ. I can't run away
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Rozsluk-hope you are having a better day today-there will be bad days and good days and some part good.I wanted to run away twice in the last few days - my husband is bipolar and stopped his psych meds.
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Put her TV timer on and take the remote away. That will stop her in her tracks, Rozslvk !!! You are in charge
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Keep coming back to this site it has been a Godsend to us besides good advice you will meet a great group of caregivers.
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First of all, welcome!

You do need to get in touch with your state aging services. Go to your state Web site and find a phone number and be persistent until you find the right place. You should be able to take your mother as a dependent if you are paying the bills. There are rules, of course, but you need to check into that.

You also need outside help. Ask what respite care is available free, when you get someone at your state aging services. Your mother may qualify for Medicaid. Please get some outside help. Let her get mad. This could kill you. You can't keep this up. And keep coming back here.
Carol
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Reading this I am not alone . New to this site and have bee caring for my Mom for close to 12 years mostly on my own.. Been through three surgeries, countless visits to the local emergency rooms, and Diabetes . Pay,or have been paying most of here bills to the point I have very little of my own. Have two sibilings my sister helps now when she can, and my brother who is married no kids two horse, and lot of other"critters" Don't want kids" LOL He will come only when my sister, and I harp him to come. His lastest thing is I cannot claim her as a dependant . Forgot to mention I get grouse at for try to have a job, and a Life ( sing in a Chorus, and try to run, along with volleyball). Everytime I try to got out she puts up a fuss or when I have some extra money she takes it for some crazy reson, and eats anything in sitethengrouse about how I don't buy enough food. She will sleep when I am at when I try to sleep she has the Tv blasting all night. Along with her quack doctor who prescribes pills that makes her sick, and we spend time in the emergency room ( his reply is no reply). Try to change things but she gstarts cry, and at times gets marn . Tried everything to little avail . Help folks


going nuts in Solon
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Hello Everyone,

195Austin sorry for your problems, I really feel for you because I am in Michigan and I sat and cried to my dads PCP and she told me that they don't do anything like that and they have no social workers. At the time my father was in the emergency room not knowing his name, what day it was, and he was seeing things everywhere like out of the cornor of his eyes acting like he was scared of something. He went outside and said the FBI was in his apartnment and they would not leave him alone. Anyway long story about the delusions, but you get the idea of his situation. On top of that he had 5 broken ribs.

OK so no one at the hospital, or with his PCP could tell me anything I was about ready to pull my hair out ( whats little their is still on top of my head because of stress ) but he pulled out of this episode and is good now.

So now we have an understanding, the next episode and dad is going into assisted living. He knows that I can not take care of him alone. I think he is so afraid that me his last child here is going to desert him like the rest of my sisters have. Poor dad but I have a life also so I got dad--actually forced him to go to this beginners (senior) class and today was his first day and he loved it!!!!! He is all excited about learning and if he can learn it that opens up a whole new thing for him to do. He can talk to other people who have interest such as he does.

So even though I had to force him I knew or was crossing my fingers that he would like it and have a new thing to do. IT WORKED YEAH FOR ME--I told him I did not want to have to sell my father on craigs list!! (Just kidding ladies)........

So things have been calm and good--I am able to get my studies done so far so good. I am hoping dad stays healthy until at least my semester is over. I am almost done with my degree and I just want it over with.......

I hope everyone is doing good. It is so good to be able to write here and share with people who really get whats going on with this caretaker role we have taken or been forced into. It just makes me feel better that someone besides me is actually going through this stuff just like me.

So have a good day and week. Take care of yourselves too!!!!!
Alice
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Our social worker came last week with a pile of information. Mom has been with us 3 years and it took that long to get some good information. Mitzipinki is right, don't give up.
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Oh you guys and your talk of prison.... LOL. Tempting isn't it?

I know when I talked to our doctor about me doing all the care and he knew of our situation, he made some recommendations for a home health aide, referred a couple of women who do this as a business who he had heard good things from, etc. The social worker came in and gave even more options that I didn't have a clue existed.

I was fortunate that things happened so quickly to get my parent's in assisted living, but I would not trade the information I got for the world. These people were incredible, although sometimes hands tied legally, but man could they be "informative" with just being extra nice with them.

Don't give up. Let us know!
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Austin, I had to laugh thats the same line I used that you did several days ago, "prison" hmm three squares a day, can read, play on the computer watch tv do a little work and lay in bed and read a book or something sounds like a real vacation to me. you crack me up. Love the sense of humor, I try to be lady like to but sometimes I just gotta let it rip and when I get on a roll I even crack myself up. Thanks for being here you guys/gals oops
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