I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Alicemb-- Where is your doctor??? He or she must have your father admitted to the hospital. He or she is not doing the job that they took an oath for. Only your Dr. can really cut through this red tape and get your father into a nursing home where he seems to really belong. Have you gotten an elder -care lawyer to help you navigate the system? It does not have to cost too much to get advice.

Dimsie-----Sorry to hear there is still trouble in paradise. It just gets overwhelming and we bite our tongue, count to 500, do alot of deep sighing ourselves, then we do it all again. Always keep in mind that you are doing what is right for you, and nothing is going to make her happy. Most days I can let it go in one ear and out the other, but today was a day that everything she did or said got on my nerves. I kept that to myself, did not take it out on her, but I am damned glad this day is over. I get to have bad days, but their needs are still there. Hang in there and take time to breathe in, and breathe out. Keep posting and we'll all know we are not alone.

Apologies for above post, which has nothing to do with board, but was the beginning of my answer to someone who had posted months ago about her husband's death. I seem to have problems logging into this site at times and making sure my posts are correct. Very odd! Anyway, back to my original problem (my mother):

lindam and sunshine caregiver, thank you for your replies. The past few days have been rather fraught, I'm afraid. My mother had originally said she fell at home and hurt her shoulder, but refused to see a doctor, have an x-ray or anything else. A few days later she said her shoulder was ok but now her lower back was very sore, but as already has some arthritis there we weren't overly concerned. She managed to persuade my sister to come and stay with her for a few days; my sister called the doctor who said nothing was broken, gave her stronger painkillers and said he would have her x-rayed if it was still painful the next day. Next day she said it wasn't too bad, the tablets were helping. So my sister invited her to come to her house for a few days. As soon as she got there my mother refused to take any more painkillers, but then said she had a pain in her side. My sister brought her back home yesterday and rang the doctor who prescribed other painkillers. She didn't want to take them. I agreed my mother could come to me for the rest of the week, simply to allow my sister to do some Christmas preparations, but this morning she wanted the doctor out again, saying she now felt hot and cold and weak. Her doctor asked my sister what was going on, he couldn't understand the ever-changing symptoms. He made arrangements for her to go to hospital for an x-ray and general check-up - guess what? they found nothing wrong, other than the wear and tear of her arthritis.

So, she's with my husband me now, looking healthier than either of us and complaining that nobody gave her time this morning to get her favourite face-creams, etc. packed! My husband has a very bad cold today but will still be going to work tonight to start a 12-hour shift at 8 pm. My mother wanted him to drive to her house (15 miles away) just to get her face-creams and some Christmas cards, but I told her that will have to wait until Thursday afternoon as he has to sleep tomorrow and work another 12-hour shift tomorrow night. I've got some new tablets to help with my dizziness, so have hopes that they might make me feel better.

My sister told us Mum's doctor is very sceptical about her complaints; I got the impression he thinks she is simply seeking attention or maybe suffering from depression. My sister and I both know she is actually trying to force the issue of moving in with one of us permanently and giving up her house for good. We have another sister but she lives in England (I'm in N Ireland) and her husband is in hospital with COPD (he had pneumonia and was seriously ill for a while). There is no way she could have my mother stay with her and in any case my mother would simply refuse to go there. I am trying to be as normal as possible with my mother while she's with me, but it's very difficult to listen to her endless sighs, complaints, etc. without feeling irritated. I'm dreading the rest of this week, but am trying to be patient and caring and keep reminding myself it's only until the weekend.

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alicemb, sorry you're having such a bad time with you dad's problems. I hope you get the help you need as you sound at the end of your tether. Your holiday will be a very welcome break - you need it!

Since your question was posed 8 months ago I hope you have now found some answers to your questions and are gradually getting to move forward. I am so sorry for your loss

Hello All,

I spent the day at the hospital in which I visited my Father's PCP and she said the old "we don't do any of that", I mean I am standing their asking her for help with dad in the emergency room and she said well maybe the emergency room doctors can help you. Then I asked for a social worker to which her response was they don't do that their. She does not know anything about this according to her and her office which is part of a large group in MIchigan with over 25 hospitals and several offices. The hospital he goes to also has his PCP that is why I went to talk to her while I was in the emergency room with dad.

Well dad broke his 2 ribs and he has not taken a shower in weeks, I can't get him to shave and now he is having trouble breathing. So I get back to the emergency after putting myself back together, this last 5 years is starting to take a serious toll on my mental and emotional health not to mention my husband and I are about ready for a divorce.

So the emergency room yes they don't have social workers at that location and they cannot send him to rehab or any care because they don't do that. My dad has stage 4 Liver Disease that is really bad he is taking meds for it but he has been not taking them and because of the toxins going to his brain he is seeing things again. The Lactalose takes that away but I keep telling people he stops taking his meds for attention, when I don't spend enough time with him and they think I am crazy. But I can tell because I buy the meds and know how long the bottle should last and its as full as it was 2 weeks ago now he is acting like he has dementia again. He's doing it to himself and then he says I would hate to screw up you finishing school by getting sick. I told him that is not going to happen and if he has a major illness that he will have to go into assisted living that I cannot do it no more.

A long time ago dad was in the rehab when he had a stroke to learn to walk again ect... and he was ok their but when I asked about it again they said that he has to be evaluated again and one time a social worker that we talked to when they thought he was going to die 5 years ago told us that we have to pay for nursing care and nursing homes ourself because dads retirement is to high.

Well I am going to look on line for some kind of help from social security or something tonight or tomorrow. I can no longer keep this up and I am graduating in April and have not even been able to enjoy my success in school because I don't know how I am doing it because I cannot think most of the time.

Sorry for going on but I am so stressed--and I am going on vacation on Thursday night. The help I get I have to pay for and that's what I am going to do while on vacation and we will see what happens when I get home but I need this away time bad. When I come home I have got to get to the bottom of this and have a plan on what to do for illnesses and such..

Thanks-Alice

lovingdaughter is so right about being persistent with the state process. It is an unending bureacracy and the consumer's needs are always last.

Good for you. You need to be a pain when the state is involved. Don't take no for an answer. Be persistent. Also, his DR. needs to step in and help you receive the services you both are entitled to. Take care. Let us know how things work out.

Thanks to all,
I am taking him to the emergency room tomorrow and insisting on seeing a social worker. He is in such pain I cannot take it. I feel so bad and I am horrified that just when he had his new place together and was doing things for himself this happens. He has 2 broken ribs, well the pain could be tolerated if he did not have so many other issues. Thanks for your help I will check everything out. Alice

In MO you have to be in the hospital for at least 3 days for Medicare to cover the cost. If your personal insurance or you yourself are going to be responsible for the cost, then you just have to be able to find an opening. There are rooms available for people coming from the hospital. It may noe be what you want............sharing a room or not. My father in law had to share for awhile until a private room opened up. I have checked into MO because we can't afford a nursing home.....keep on smilin.............Phyllis

Where is his Dr.??? If he has had a recent injury and a hospital stay, he is eligible for a nursing home for a specified amount of time. After that, he will be reevaluated for additional time. This is all covered. What they are looking for is improvement. If , let's say, two more weeks in a rehab will improve his condition, then he gets to stay 2 more weeks. If it is determined that he is as good as he ever will be, then he is made to leave or, if he has assets, or is determined to have Medicaid, he becomes a permanent residents. That is how it goes in my state.

alicemb,

You start by calling an ambulance and putting him in the hospital. Then you demand from there that you cannot take care of him until he is out of severe pain. Ask for the social worker at the hospital and discuss your options with her, but you need to get him in the hospital first and foremost.

Love,
Marylynne

Hi,
Does anyone know, my dad fell and now with all his other problems he is unable to care for himself. Can I put him in rehab for a few weeks at least until his pain is less. He never heals because of Diabeties and His arm and sholder never healed from an injury that he had 4 surgeries on. He is in so much pain I cannot sit with him 24/7, what can I do? How do I ask for help? Where do I start?

THaniks

MLV
In our state you have to be in a hospital for 3 days in order to go to rehab in a nursing home under medicare- I have told docs this and most will agree to have him there for 3 days. Also he has to be home 60 days until he can go back to mrehab after a 3 day stay the last time he had to go home from the hospital because he had been in the hospital 3 times durnihg the 60 days, and it does not matter that I have injuries myself and should not be taking care of him now- I really need help myself and my fractures may not heal because of his care needs.

Hello everyone,

I have not wrote in a while because things with dad being in new apartnment had been going so good, he was doing things for himself and not calling every 5 minutes for things. So I have been so happy he is doing good and I am going on vacation on Friday for 11 days. So, we were christmas shopping yesterday for the kids (my nieces, his granddaughters) and we get parked at Sears and he gets out of the car and all of the sudden he falls. I have to call 911 and sit in the hospital all day long. He broke 2 ribs. My husband told me to be careful with him that morning before I took off because when we go on vacation or don't pay enough attention to him something always happens. Now this--I got him home and you know nothing can be done for ribs except live with the pain. So he has called me 11 times this morning

When someone goes to a nursing home directly from a hospital, Medicare pays for a certain number of days (it was 20, but may have changed). But there's no prerequisite for someone having to be in a hospital before they can be admitted to a nursing home. Most people aren't.

Many nursing homes have waiting lists, however, and may have a designated room for someone coming out of the hospital, but no other rooms available. There are laws they have to follow.

The person going into the home will need certain medical things signed by their doctor, likely, so the nursing home knows they don't have TB or something. But there should be no requirement for a hospital stay, at all.
Carol

Dear Mary,

I have never heard of the hospital stay in order to be admitted into a nursing home. I have always known it is easier to put them in one straight from the hospital. I know we have put my dad in one a couple of times when my mom was sick and it wasn't from the hospital. Who told you that was the only way it could be? Did the nursing home say this? And is the nursing home she was in to begin with?

I know a little about elder law, but I am sure like the other say, make up something to get her in the hospital and then tell them she will no longer be coming to your home, she will be going to the nursing home because you are unable to care for her.

Take care of you,
Marylynne

lindam, you are so right about the energy exerted! Makes me smile to read that in your reply. Dimsie, I agree with lindam. You have been clear in your position from day one and no one can force you to do otherwise without your consent. If your sister wishes "to do her share," given your clear statement over the years, let sis know that her share is everything she wishes to take on as a caregiver to your Mom. Sharing is very therapeutic for me, too. Take good care of yourself.

Dimsie Stand you ground. If you told her a long time ago, then she knows how you feel and what your wishes are. It amazes me how much energy the little old people can exert trying to get their way. So your sister is implying you aren't doing your part----Oh well, if they won't listen to you then let her imply until she either gets it that you mean business or until she ends up with your mother permanently. Only you can make choices that are best for you. I am sorry you are talking to deaf ears, and it is adding to your other problems, but hang tuff. My dad could manipulate my oldest sister and it was weird to watch. He could pout and shout , cry and be pitiful and he knew that wasn't going to work on me. my sister fell for it time after time. But I ended up with the majority of his care, but it was a choice I made. But if you can not then good for you for standing up for yourself. Just keep posting and we'll help you thru the rough times. In my thoughts-------

My mother is determined to live with me or my sister but there is no way I will agree to this. She is 90 and lives alone, but now says she can no longer do so. She has always been determined to live with one of us since my dad died but I told her years ago that I don't want anyone else living with my husband and me. I suffer from agoraphobia and although I go out shopping, etc. with my husband I am always glad to get back home as my home is my refuge where I can relax. I don't honestly enjoy my mother's company, though my husband and I visit her every week, do her shopping, mow her grass, etc. She comes here to stay at times, but only for a few days and I am always so relieved when we have our home to ourselves again.

My sister would be prepared to have her on a monthly basis, ie one month with her and then a month with me, but there is no way I could contemplate having my mother staying here for more than a few days at a time. Of course, my sister goes on about being prepared 'to do her bit', which sounds as though she's implying I'm not doing mine. I've told her it's not negotiable, but she's the type of person (just like my mother) to go on and on and on. I've also been diagnosed with recurrent labyrinthis, which makes me feel dizzy and nauseous but neither my mother nor my sister are even interested enough to ever ask how I feel. My husband has a double hernia which gives him pain and is waiting for an operation for it but again this is just ignored.

I AM prepared to do my best for mother, short of having her live here for weeks at a time. I am prepared to help her find suitable sheltered accommodation and to visit as often as possible, but she is quite determined to do no such thing. She has an iron will where her own wishes are concerned and wouldn't be at all worried about anyone else's happiness or health provided she got what she wanted. She implies we owe it to her to be her carers and tries to make us feel guilty if we put our wishes ahead of her own. IMO this is a type of bullying - I hate saying that, but it's what I think.

Sorry for going on, but it's such a relief to rant!

My mother is determined to live with me or my sister but there is no way I will agree to this. She is 90 and lives alone

about2loosemymind, sorry to hear about your own health crisis. You have been through a whole lot. If your Mom is bedridden and you have had a heart attack let your own doctor and your Mom's doctor know that you feel like your health is in serious jeopardy and you need medical intervention to get your Mom back into the nursing home where she can be prperly cared for. If neither doctor helps you to have your Mom re-evaluated for nursing home placement, contact your local health and human services agency or the area agency on aging and tell them that you are no longer healthy enough to care for your Mom and need her to be evaluated for nursing hom placement. While it may not work, it will be a start to signal to others who are in a position to help you that you have reached your breaking point. In the meantime, don't forget respite care if you can afford it, or an occasional 2-hour movie while you ask your 15-year old to sit with her grandmother while you take a drive, a stroll and take in a movie and maybe treat yourself to a heart-healthy meal. You deserve to celebrate the first day of the rest of your life. Please keep sharing as there are many who care on this website. Will be rooting for successful outcomes for you and your Mom.

First, you need a Dr. who will get her into the hospital. If you take her by ambulance, they will probably admit her. If she has heart flutters as my mom calls them, they should put on a monitor and keep track of them. Tell them what you can ever think of to get her to the hospital. You can't take all this pressure

i am so lost. I feel as though I am loosing myself. I have 3 daughters one who is 15, 14 and 4yrs old. I am married to a soldier who was in OEF and now suffers from PTSD. my father died in july and I felt so bad that my mother was in a nursing home that i thought with my heart and not anything else. I had a heart attach the day we burried my dad and i am ill. needless to say my mother is wayyyy to much to handle and now I cannot get her out of my home w/out her going to the hosp for a 3 day stay...well there is nothing wrong w/her except that she is bed bound, diabetic, depressed. i have tried everything to get her back int he nursing home short of paying 64,000 dollars that i surely dont have. please i am begging someone to direct me in how i can get her back in the nursing home. i applied for medicaid. but they are still telling me she has to be in the hosp for 72hours.....i am sooooooooooo hopeless. please try and give me some advice
thank you,
mary

alicemb, the only thing that keeps me straight in terms of helping Mom with her prescriptions, prescription changes, etc., is that I take a portfolio each time I take her to her doctors appointments and take notes that I can refer back to. I keep a printout copy of all of her labs and have started to look at the results comparatively. Each time, I ask lots of questions and I try to ensure that whatever the doctor may be prescribing is proportionate to the symptoms Mom is experiencing to avoid her being over-medicated. One of the things that is obvious when one walks into any nursing home is that residents are over-medicated to help alleviate the dementia and wandering behaviors that unpaid caregivers manage on a sustained basis. I would hate to see anyone I love in a zombie-like over-medicated state, so even though some of the symptoms are challenging, in my heart I am thankful that Mom actively displays feelings and expresses herself, etc. For me only, that is one measure of quality of life. Like you, I make the appointments, and track them. I don't fault our parents for not keeping up with those. The way I see it, when one is outside of the "rat race," one loses track of time events and chronological sequences. Yes, it is a huge job, as you have said. I find myself annoyed by allied health staff who have no clue how to best communicate with mature adults who have multiple disabilities. They need to be better trained because how they pose questions and whether they wait to actively listen to the patient has a lot to do with how prescriptions are administered and course of treatment. The health care system is broken as far as I am concerned and caregivers like you and me, and many others on this website are the very best thing that our loved ones have going for them, simply because we really care and do take the time to be aware of their ongoing needs. It is a balance of allowing our loved ones to do as much as they can for themselves and picking up the slack whenever and wherever we need to, so don't bash yourself when you do allow your Dad to fend for himself. You also need to be aware of what he can and cannot do for himself. Depression among disabled mature adults is not only common, but as I see it, entirely reasonable given their declining health, including physical and cognitive limitations in some instances. The disregard for personal hygiene may be a sign that your Dad is seriously depressed. Do you know if his doctor is treating him for possible depression, or does he possibly have dementia that affects his ability to remember that he needs to bathe on a regular basis? If your Dad is able to live independently in his new apartment, you will still need to keep a watchful eye on him to ensure that he is not neglecting himself and/or posing a threat to his own safety, health and well-being, but it will no longer be your round-the-clock responsibility, so be sure to enjoy your newly acquired respite periods.

I am with everyone here and am thinking to myself also what can we do about it? I know if I do not look after my dad (and I really don't want to anymore) who will? And why do I have to worry about it when I have three sisters who are not loosing sleep over dads health?

Anyway that's our problem, we are the kind of people who feel guilty over everything, we actually need help in this area. I have thought of nothing but my father and husband for years. And no I never think of myself until now. A person can only take so much.

And while I am happy that my dad is moving on Sunday, I feel just as burdened as ever with him still being alone and me being his only source of help. I don't want this anymore but what do I do? Let dad fend for himself? He won't take a shower unless I tell him too. He won't go to the doctor unless I make the appointments.

I think when a person gets to a certain aga their should be some social workers like for children because they often become like children. My dad has nine doctors, I can hardly keep up let alone him keeping up and his meds they change them all the time. This is a huge job and no one should have to do it alone that's what is so sad.

lovingdaughter, the government saves oodles of dollars based on those of us who are caregivers who work tirelessly to keep our loved ones out of nursing homes. It is unconscionable that there is not a major tax credit for anyone who is a full time caregiver to a disabled individual, including parents and/or spouses. Regardless, a caregiver spends out-of-pocket one way or the other, be it due to losses caused by a patient with dementia, transportation, hairstyling, clothes if the caregiver doesn't want the person looking unkempt and unclean, comfortable shoes that prove to be more expensive, etc....any number of categories. The problem is that caregivers don't hire lobbyists, so there is no legislation that has been on the front burner, much less anything that is passed. It is a sorry state of affairs.

OK, so we are all in the same boat. Taking care of our parents is hard. How can we help each other? Just reading each of your comments has helped, but there has to be more. Our government has to help caregivers and give us a break. The five year look-back is just too long. Nursing homes are so expensive, and the care is horrible. Those of you who have children at home have it the worst. It really affects them. Do you have support groups for the kids? I think that would be a great help. Hang in there. Synshinecaregiver is right. You have to take care of yourself because if your down, the entire system breaks. I know. My husband is in fear that I won't be home if a crisis happens. Don't feel guilty when you wish it would all go away. That is only natural. When I feel down, I hire someone to stay for the weekend, and we try to take off for the shore or at least a Sunday out. Mom pays for her care, so that helps a lot. Dear brother will inherit nothing. I am spending it all on her care!!!!!

mlv3000, Don't you think it is far better to place your parents in assisted living rather than to allow poisonous thoughts to affect your mental health and wellbeing? There is no need for caregivers to become martyrs. If you have reached your tolerance limit emotionally and psychologically and physically, you are at the crossroads of making a major decision to help yourself move forward. If not assisted living, then a nursing home where you don't feel the need to remain in charge. Listen to your body. Numbness is not a minor symptom.

runningaway,

Where were you from in Louisiana. I moved to Covington where I gave my Dad the Garage and made it into an apartment and gave my mom a bedroom in the house. We shared the kitchen. What a terrible idea. Thats where my problems started. My two brothers are of no help to me. They won't even keep my parents three days while I take a vacation with my family.

I feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through. We not only lost our homes but we lost our lives with it too. My therapist says I haven't got over the fact that I lost my home and then having to take my parents in was the topping on the cake.

My dad is no candidate for assisted living and my mom thinks she is too good for one. My mom is really the problem. She is so mean to me. She says things she shouldn't, corrects my 12 year old and aggravates everyone to death getting in conversations that she shouldn't be in. I too, could go on and on. The truth is I wish bad luck on them every day and know that the bad luck will come to me.

Last week, the left side of my face went numb. When that happened, I said GOD, I know you are punishing me for wishing evil thoughts on my parents. I don't mean to do it, I just am so miserable and so desperately want some kind of life without the guilt. Even if I put my parents in assisted living, I will be running for every little thing, because thats just me. I don't think I can change who I am this late in life.

Sorry for boring you,
Love,
Marylynne

Hello Everyone,

I totally understand and I have been ready to run away from here also. My poor husband has been in termoil forever. This is the only thing we have ever fought about I cannot believe it. But dad is moving into his new apartment on Sunday the day before my vacation I get to move all his stuff for the second time but at least its out this time.

Seriously, if you are at the breaking point get help and no one could possibly understand the extent of taking care of a parent. We do not deserve to be so lonely when we are doing such a noble thing. But we are or so many of us would not have found this spot.

Thank God for this site to talk to eachother. I am grateful everyday just to know I am not alone!!!

Stay healthy
Alice