I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.
My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.
I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.
Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.
Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!
Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.
They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.
I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.
I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.
I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.
Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.
She said the "help" is going to stay the night one night and asked if I could come and stay the other.
Now mind you the last time I was over there and they were out of town my mom told me not to touch anything because she didn't want them to say I stole anything. Why on earth would I go over and stay. Shoule I tell my mom exactly how I feel about this?
Someone said to watch out and see how long before my sister would be calling, well she's not calling my mom is doing the calling. Someone also said to get a nannycam. Well who's to say there isn't one planted somewhere in my moms room already.
I just don't trust those folks and I feel my poor mom is somewhere in the midst of it all and hasn't got a clue about what's going on.
Well I am working all this weekend, and my son got a job and I'll have to take him and pick him up from work so I won't go over to stay, only visit.
I'm through with staying the night, been there, done that when my sister would go in and out of the hospital. Hmmmmm funny how she hasn't been back since the last time I had to stay over. Will wonders never cease.
Ain't life funny, here my mom was just calling me about somthing up in Denmark, if ya don't mind me stealing your slogan SS. By the way I did take your advise SS and get started on my own investigation. I won't go into it now but I am on it.
Give me some support here and tell me what yo think. I need some help on this one because I am somewhat torn. I'd love nothing more than to go spend time with my mom, just so we can laugh. Thing is I haven't been alone with her in a while and I'l love some quality alone time just to see how she is. I'd like to take her to lunch, if she'll go, tell her some funny stories, and just hear her side way laugh.
Can I get a little help here........
"I'm Chucko, I'm Chucko, I'm chucko the Birthday clown.
Do any of you have a short fuze because of the major stress? Two years without a vacation is a very long time!
My dad called my nine year old his "baby," the other day. I thought, no, he's MY baby. But I'm glad dad at least still claims us. Alzheimer's sure is claiming him. Got his mind all a-jumble already. Present and anticipatory grief is a killer. O, well, though. What can one do? It's certain that the disease affects people differently, but there are some similarities. None pleasant. Thank God we have support.
She has been looking for this black jogging suit for 5 months now. Now she thinks she's found the pant, but they aren't really the pants, and now she can't find the top. Said something is not right and that someone is stealing her things.
She gave a friend of mine a blue jogging suit, it was too small for her so she gave it to me. I've worn it to my moms house a few times, and now my mom tells me to bring it back to her. No problem I'll do that.
Paranoid, paranoid, paranoid. I thought she was touched by Dem but now I think it's Alz as well. This is common behavior isn't it. What should I expect next?
Good Luck
With God all things are possible.
So definitely check things out, but until you know something for sure, it may just be your mom acting out from some unfounded fear. Hope that's all it is! Take care.
I've just heard too many stories that stink. (Many of them here, from hurting daughters, and sons.) That is the hardest part of caregiving, I think, when our parents lose mental capabilities, and our siblings take advantage of them...and us. Who here can't relate to some of that? Bless you if you don't have to deal with the ugly. And bless you caregiving angels who take care of your loved ones despite the difficulties.
Senior Legal Services, thanks I will give them a call on Monday.
Don't apologize for the lecture, I needed it.
You love your mom, want what's best. But I agree with SecretSister, you need to protect her and yourself. Did I ever imagine my mom, hateful as she is, would sue me? No. Do I love her like you love yours? No way in hell.
While talking to my mom, I was asking how she was feeling after her speech therapy appointment. She said she wasn't doing to well because someone was trying to open an account in her name. This kind of blew me away so I asked her why she'd said that. Now mom doesn't explain things fully, can't be helped because of the slight dementia that's settling in. She said someone was at the house from the Fraud Dept.
I really don't know what's going on, and I'm sure my mom doesn't however I did make sure to explain that this was the reason I had everything at MY house because as long as her paperwork was with me, there were no problems. Now that they are there, (well I really doubt they are with her but they're there in that house) anything could happen.
This is exactly why I wanted to hang onto her important papers. Now who knows what is going on. I tried to tell her, I tried to tell her, but no she let my sister convince her that everything should be there at the house. Yeah there for them to do what they want to do.
I am very glad that I am NOT involved anymore and can go over as a care giver, or a daughter, or a visitor. But it bothers me to think that my mom is laying up, sick, and now has to worry like that. That will put more on her mind and heart, and when you get old and you're sick, immobile, dependant on someone else to do for you, take care of you totally you just don't need xtra worries.
Here my mom keeps saying that she's gonna get better, and things like when I get well, and my sister puts xtra stress on her like that.
Personally I don't think anyone is doing anything, I could be wrong, but I think it's a ploy on my sister's part to try to take total control of my mom. To make her think she cannot do without her. Then on the other hand I am so leary of my sister's intentions that I wouldn't put anything past her and her family.
I just feel so bad for my mom who now in addition to all the worry she has about her own condition, she has this on her mind. Can you imagine all the things that are going on in her head, who can she trust, what will she do, how will she survive? These things all combined are enough for a person to feel like giving up and Lord knows I don't want her to feel that way.
I want peace for my mom. Worry should not even be an issue and she should be as rested as possible.
When I was there, I've been over a lot the last few days, she told me that she misses me making her laugh the most. I was so surprised I made her repeat it just so I could be sure that's what she said. I know we have that kind of relationship and we always laughed, ALWAYS. Hell I told her I missed laughing with her too.
I don't know what's going on but I do plan to stay out of it and let that household figure it out.
I will tell you that if my sister thinks she's gonna have a grand-d-oso life messing with my moms mind like this, she's got a world of despair that will come down on her.
Has anyone tried sprouting a bean, or seed, etc. in a plastic baggie taped to a window? Put it in a wet paper towel, seal, tape it up, wait, and watch it grow. I think it's really cool! :)
Another thing I've seen is a cup holding a nylon rolled up (to look like a potato, with grass seeds in the nylon. When it grows, the "potato" looks like it has hair. It's kind of like a Mr. Potato Head. Quirky. (When Caregivers get bored...) LOL
This project involved ripping a strip of fabric (camo or patriotic only), sewing it along edges, making pointed ends, dropping in a teaspoon or so of these magic plastic crystals, and sealing it off. I had my mom turn the tubes inside out, which was a nightmare to do until I discovered using a wooden long spoon with rubber band over end of handle made it easy to pull the fabric through. Look up Cool Ties on the net to find instructions and sources for the polymer crystals (med size works best).
To "spin" the project further into "meaningfulness," I photographed her working on the neckties, and because I was graphic editor of a magazine, put her in the magazine as a "staff news" feature. So she got ack in a slick four-color magazine.
I should have put a little card with each one containing Mom's photo, her story and our address so the troops could write us. These ties can also be made for seniors in hot DRY areas. The crystals are such that they absorb hundreds of times their weight in water, and evaporate slowly to give a real cooling effect, esp when worn around the neck. For troop addresses visit http://www.anysoldier.com or connect with any organization stateside that provides gift packages for troops. Each one weighs only an ounce, so cheap to mail.
We still use ours in the summer.
Another contribution project is for Pamela to volunteer to be nursemaid to baby kittens until they are old enough to be adopted. This is a project where you wouldn't get too stuck on any one kitty, but the project itself is the love. She could bring the current kitty over to her Mom's house, and Mom could help feed it. Celebrate when it gets adopted, take photos of all the kitties you've saved. The benefits of this (as opposed to just getting a pet) is that you can jump off the kat bandwagon quickly and not be burdened with a 15 year relationship to your own pet. And no vet bills.
(The gal a few doors down fosters service dogs for a year each, and overlaps grown dog with new puppy. Very proud of the dozen or so she's let go of to be seeing eye and other service animals.)
Sometimes it's making videos...and cheesh, I wish I had enough mental focus and time to get back to editing. It takes a long runway of attention, programs, various media to collect to do the videos I have done in the past. Now I can hardly risk covering my ears with headphones, mom needs such careful attention.
I should make a DVD of it to play on the large TV, that way that afternoon from over a year ago lasts "forever." But heck, where is it? On the Mac in the office, and I can't work there any more. Humpf.
best