I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.
My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.
I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.
Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.
Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!
Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.
They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.
I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.
I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.
I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.
Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.
I have certainly felt like those poor pups. Abandoned by deadbeat sisters, lost everything I had in my life (job, my community, friends), Mom not responding and reality of her worsening until she died, when I would have then absolutely nothing (marred by missing teeth too.) So, we thrash and vent and complain to our deadbeat siblings how hard it is (heh heh, "finally you get to suffer!" they said...really they did!). And nobody comes to our rescue. We get depressed and isolate ourselves. Helpless, yet totally helping another. And even when help is offered, do we shrug and turn it away?
Seligman found that if people even KNEW they had an escape, they would stay with an annoying task longer and with less stress. In your case, you do have an escape, APRIL. Every day that passes is closer to APRIL. You could do symbolic things like post a calendar and put happy face stickers on every day that passes. You could collect boxes for the move, flattened, and store them in plain sight. Pack a box here and there, and as the day approaches, accelerate the packing til only her clothes and toothbrush and coffee mug are out. Have her live out of already packed boxes.
Coffee. assume you have switched to decaf, even if she isn't aware of it. I'd get a large coffee maker like they use at potlucks, 24 cups. Have her make a large pot of this at dinner time and remove other coffee makers (and remove the coffee ground holder in the large pot.) She can live off increasingly foul coffee and rancid during the night. OR get a gourmet coffee maker machine that does a cup at one time, more silent. Then she won't gripe about you being cheap and she won't be banging around in the kitchen making so much noise.
Oh, back to Learned Helplessness. I think the "escape" notion is why so many who have faith in heaven, Jesus, and God's goodness tend to stick it out when others faint away. Even if they are stuck now, they know of an escape, even a heavenly reward, that others are not in touch with.
Here's link to Learned Helplessness.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness
Well, Mom's up. Back to my trap... ;-)
Here's wishing each and every one of you a Happy Valentine weekend. Hope each of you are blessed!
To make the comment quit whining, is insensitive to the issue at hand. This is a place where we should feel safe to put our feelings out there and not be criticized for how we feel. You could make the point that I have just criticized you. You would be right but from your above statement, I think you can ....let it go.
Let the smoke clear and now you can visit your mother with only QUALITY in mind. Think of ways to meaningfully enrich her life, create a community where there was none before (go to favorite cafes and be a regular, haunt the playgrounds of preschools and let her be their granny, etc.) Bring DVDS for you to watch together and comment on (Andre Rieu's Engl language programs are my fave for this.) Delivery cute figurines and start a theme collection with her. YOU be the good news that arrives at the door. And, ahem, shame the others into enriching your mother's life. That's my advice...so there. IN other words, now you can have FUN and ONLY fun with your mother. Why not?
I can understand why Pamela is worried about her mom. She poured her heart and soul into caring for, and loving her, only to be outmaneuvered by deadbeats. That is indeed grievous, Pamela, and my heart goes out to you. I can relate because I'm there, in ways, too.
Ed said something important, and I quote: "You think with your heart and your family knows where to hurt you. And little by little, your pain trickles down to your own family; but they suffer in silence. This has to stop." That might be good advice for someone who has whipped his mom into shape, but the system, and our parents cognitive issues are working against us. I see nothing wrong with acting from the heart, as that's what compassion is. Don't ever stop doing that! Jesus did! However, Ed is right in one regard: we are also easily manipulated sensitivities, too, by those who want to take advantage of it.
I must say, for those who believe in God, he is not a crutch, as was implied. He is our refuge whom we run to for comfort, who also gives us direction, and sometimes deliverance. God can make a way where there seems to be no way! I still believe in miracles, and am praying for one in my family's situation. But, we also have to deal with the reality of those who are all about themselves, take advantage of others, and don't even mind doing wicked things to have their way. That's when we pray, asking God for help.
Pamela, I commend your sensitivity to the feeling that "something may just not be right." I don't have a good answer for you, as I'm dealing with similiar. I can't stop the machine that has taken over my failing parent's lives, or my sibling who's all about herself. In our situation, we're dealing with Alzheimer's and Personality Disorders. The system is in control now, and not me. And the system has turned against me, differently than you, but the grief is the same. Hold on to your faith, sweetheart. This is difficult, and maddening. That I understand. For and with you I also grieve, so know you're not alone. I am praying for you.
Praying for all you other caregivers, as well. This is probably one of the hardest things many of us have had to do. There was no instruction manual given when we signed up, and quite the journey through many a dark valley along the way. Hawaii does sound nicer than all this...and heaven is sounding sweeter all the time. Bless your hearts, each and every one of you! Know that doing right is a valuable reward, even if it's not recognized by those whom we count on, and who should applaud our efforts. As my hubby says, the ones who matter know what we've done is right! ~Just some thoughts...
The Nanny Cam idea is a good one but here's a question: how do I install it without the "help" knowing? It would be interesting to see what goes on in my moms room and to hear as well.
Also I do plan to go over there and spend some time with mom while the rest of the family is away (I figured it out, it's a Valentine's Day trip). I just want to tell the "help" that she can be excused while I spend time with mom. Of course I could give her some money and have her go get us something to eat.
I just get the feeling my mom wants to talk to me about what's going on and that's why she wants me to come by when everyone's gone.
These are a great tool for keeping loved ones safe. But I can also check on things when someone else is watching Mom. The woman who helps me out is wonderful, and really cares about Mom. But Mom is a real handful and on a bad day, I will monitor things in case she needs me to help her. I live in an adjoining apartment to Mom, which makes this possible. Knowing that the cameras are there, does keep people on their toes! But most of all, they are another way to keep Mom safe.
If this woman is not a friendly person, and only doing this for the $$ then she's not going to sit and talk or play games with your mom. As for your sister, if this care giver was new to your mother, I sure wouldn't be leaving her alone with mom. Maybe it's time to invest in a nanny cam.
I'm not trying to cause you anymore heartache but I see you making excuses like I have done for myself, trying to explain things away because they are just too difficult to think that things might not be as hunky dory as they seem. It's hard to know for sure just from your last post what your sisters' intentions are because things always look and sound different on paper than they are in real life but I think your mom was on the right track when she mentioned the rat. I won't point fingers because it's not my place but really........Las Vegas? Come on, I'd like to go to Vegas too but even though I am a caretaker not living with my dad and his wife, there is no way I would take off and leave them alone with this 'person' who sits and watches soap operas, Maury, and doesn't have the decency to clean my mothers' glasses.
You thought you were the problem? Sounds like you were the problem for your sister. Your mom was happy to see you, she kissed you and told you not to stay away so long. Sometimes we 'are' too close to the situation to be effective and I know the feeling of release that you are talking about. You are doing the best you can and you are overcome with so many emotions, it's hard to sort them out but you have certainly honed in on quite a few. Just let your instincts guide you, sounds like you have a good sense of the situation. Wondering if you are being reeled in? Been there, done that, still doing that but Pam it just gets easier to not take it personally each time we fall for it. We fall for it because we care, that's a trait to be proud of. It happened to me today with my dad but I walked away from it in awe of myself for keeping it together and not fretting about it. Time is a great teacher. Keep up the good work Pam.