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Speaking of journals and diaries, when we were young my younger brother brought my sister's diary into the bathroom to read while he was on the toilet. If that wasn't bad enough he left it there for everyone else in the family to read too.
Needless to say, sister freaked.

Bookluver, as for a history of e-mails. I have all that too. Angry ones, sad ones, even funny ones, you name it. I sometimes think I should get them all, put them together in a book and get it published. I could name it "Caregiver's history of Family Dysfunction/Caregiving for Dummies"
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book - I doubt that lactose intolerance caused a bleeding stomach. Please don't blame yourself for your dad's death. You were his caregiver for years and you took good care of him.
re happy memories - I carry happy memories of Gordie in my head and my heart. I don't have much else left now but them and a few photos and that's ok.

I have burned journals from years ago. I think you do when you are ready. ((((hugs)))) to those wrestling with the past.
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Book, had your dad ever agreed to go to the doctor he may have been diagnosed as lactose intolerant. How could you have guessed? Bleeding stomach probably not due to ensure. Maybe all the supplements he.insisted on for so many years.
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When I was caregiving mom, I would send email updates to my siblings. I went back to my SENT emails as far back as I can. I reread it. It brought up so much memories. Of bitterness, anger, resentment, betrayal... towards dad, my 7 siblings, everyone. My memories of mom was not great at all.

As for dad, I have my little torn out notes to his home care nurses when they visit him. It was just his health updates. The latest one was June 1, 2017. My dad passed away on 21Jul. By reading this note, I just realized that by changing dad's diet to add 2 Ensure Light to his daily meal was part of his downfall. I didn't know that Dad was lactose intolerant until he landed in the ER, dying. He had a bleeding stomach... Sometimes, reading past notes are not great at all.

I would like to just keep the happy memories. Too bad that it's all in my head, never took the time to write it down. Nor do I care to do so now. I haven't had the full blown crying my whole body for him.
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It is quite a load off. I burned years worth of journals. Threw them in fireplace, felt relief. Like I let things go, a new start and let go of things that may have been holding me back. Now I am plowing with my eyes forward, in much hope.
You can do it Lu, when you are ready.
A new chapter for Lu is awaiting. :)
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Where does one get disappearing ink?

Lu,
If allowed in your county, burn barrel.

Cathartic, very therapeutic.
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Thanks Cats4Ever....Youv'e given me some hope that I can do it too. I bet you feel lighter,huh...
just curious though,how'd you dispose of them?
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I tossed almost 40 journals I'd kept over 10 years of my life I absolutely hated. No regrets. I'd do it again.
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Thanks cwillie and Send....It's great to be able to post again.Something happened when we switched to the new site,but with a really nice woman's help,named Ashley from AgingCare,she got it all fixed thankfully.

I was absolutely compelled to write all through caring for Mother and now,she is gone and I have a Huge box of written in journals.They include all the hospitalizations and Hospice people coming and going and what was said and all the places I took Mom,her groups,Market,garage saling,the flea markets,Museums and plays and the day she wrote her Will and discussed her funeral wishes and how I lifted and loaded her here and there and just all kinds of stuff through the years,BUT,they also include my anger,mostly because of my brother's but also my anger that Mom was dying and leaving me and ALOT of other stuff I sure wouldn't ever want anyone to read and now everyday I see this huge box,and it makes me feel bad and I don't know why,but I haven't been able to let them go.It's not good.I have lost days to reading and reliving it all and it makes my heart so heavy,SO it is something I need to face and get rid of,I just haven't .....yet..
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Luckylu, you're back! Glad you got things straightened out :)
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Luckylu,
That journaling....can become self-torture when one re-reads it. Way back when I did write, it was boring stuff, and I suffered greatly deciding whether to let it all go, shredding it.
I was afraid I would forget important things that happened to me. However, I think even when healing from events, our mind goes there. The journal kept it fresh and raw, forgetting some is healing, imo.

So good to see you are able to post on threads today, missed you, hoping your computer is better!
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Then, we discussed who to take advice from on the internet, concerning healing from narcissistic abuse. There are so many victims getting free, to become advice givers, even a life coach, some are therapists, psychiatrists. Consensus being, become no contact.
One that I read offered how to have fun with your narcissist, which seemed funny, but a bit revengeful, (mean and cruel actually), with laughing in the background.
I looked closer at the humorous concept however. Take notes when in the presence of the narcissist. Get various colors, using a different color notebook, bringing out the red notebook only on special occassions. This would drive them crazy?
I said to dH, maybe a narcissist should be knocked down, off their pedestal sometimes. Hmmmmm.
Hubs replied: It would help them to become more grounded in reality.

Lol. We laughed.

He is very funny, and brilliant on rare occasions. I am thinking of nominating him for an Oscar Wilde award.
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I sure wish I'd have used disappearing ink when I wrote in mine~
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Talking with hubs (rare conversations), topic was how to heal from the narcissist in your life. One Youtube author suggested journaling.

I commented on his journaling, non-judgmental, no gossip, no opinions, just the facts of what he did that day. Mine would not be as pure.

I asked him if he thought journaling was helpful, then asked if he thought that I should be journaling. And what if someone finds it, and it's about them?

He said for me to use disappearing ink.
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😂😂😂
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No wonder it's hot at your house MsMadge!
Love Shack by the B-52's.
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Name that tune

wearing next nothing cause
it's as hot as an oven
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So sorry to hear boot shopgirl

I hated having to place the Viking in memory care too but once you've made the decision then move forward - your mom will still need you and her journey isn't over yet so no guilt

prayers for a smooth placement
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Crap hit the fan the last 2 weeks. I posted on the bratt thread. I'm having to place my Mommy in the memory care or n.h. I hate this! I need Love bad guys. It's 1:09 a.m. Please give me your prayers. I love you all. Grace and Peace needed for me please!
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I've always confused desert 🌵 With dessert 🍰

Probably why I can't even remember ever weighing 118 - I got down to 123 once but that was a very long time ago
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MsMadge,
Are you sure the article didn't say "dessert" food?

Chocolate cake, cheesecake, lemon meringue pie, watermelon, ice cream, popcorn, and fritos?????
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Dyslexia, I think I have dyslexia. Was that 181 and 182?
But then, I don't even own a scale.
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Gershun. The 118 comment is hysterical. I would be happy with 128. The only time my weight goes down is when everything is going wrong. Right now it's a somewhat OK time so I have been avoiding the scale. It rarely reads what I would like it to unless I can barely drag myself out of bed to get to it. And then am not happy generally to say the least so the joy erodes.
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CWillie, I feel so sad for you. When I watched my own Mom dying in the hospital, gasping for each breath I certainly had a crisis of faith myself. I seriously thought I was losing it one night when I spent the whole night with my Mom. At certain points of the night her breathing sounded like Satan himself. I had almost convinced myself that Satan and God were battling for her soul while I sat and watched. Obviously not, but it's amazing what grief, lack of sleep, lack of food, anger at God will do to you.

It's natural as a believer to be angry at God when you see a loved one wracked with pain and you are a helpless bystander. I came home from that particular hospital visit doubting everything. My faith etc. But then I looked out my window at the beautiful spring flowers, the sun shining, the world in all its beauty and intricacy and thought, of course there is a God who loves us.

Don't forget God is in his Kingdom. Earth is where Satan rules temporarily. God can take away our pain or at the very least help us deal with it. Why he doesn't sometimes is a mystery but I still believe he knows what he is doing and I have to just contend with that.

I know you probably are just thinking "Oh Gershun, just shove it!" but I'll always stick up for God even though it makes me sad to hear the sadness in your post Willie. ((((Hugs))))
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Someone once asked me why I go to church and I told them it was because there was a whole room full of people who actually knew my name and I liked the singing. Through my caregiving years a new generation grew up in the church that I don't recognize, and they changed the hymn book. Although there are still the old timers who know my name and might actually speak to me I find myself resenting the need to toss $$ on the collection plate, joining the lines of tourist traffic headed to the beach to get there and answering the well meaning questions about my mother. I want to give the honest answer to "How is your mother" - she's a helpless sack of bones trapped in a wheelchair and if god were truly merciful he's never let people live this way, and "How old is she?" - too damned old!!
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The only 118 I want to be is 118 pounds maybe.
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Cwillie
hope mom doesn't need a breathing treatment today and she can enjoy some food with you there
you've taken such good care of her for so many years
give yourself a treat today in celebration of being a wonderful daughter
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Willie, Happy Birthday to your Mom! I could say wow, what a milestone..........almost 100, but I think I know why you aren't sure how to feel. If being 100 means another year of suffering for her and yourself then the hell with milestones right? I remember my Mom's last Birthday was her 92nd. For some reason I was pulling for her to live till 100. Not quite sure why now. Of course cause as long as she was healthy and happy, great. But that was not the case.

Age is just a number, especially if quality of life is substandard. I find myself amused when the weather forecasters always say "and a Happy 103rd birthday to Hazel, Bertha, Betsy, etc. etc. " Occasionally they'll have footage of some dear old thing sitting in front of a huge cake, people standing around beaming at her. She, not so much.

Willie, if you aren't sure how to feel I think that's only natural. But all the best to your Mom irregardless. One day at a time as they say.
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Today is mom's bday and I just can't figure out how to feel about that.
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Eating grass and cactus AND having to wash the dishes afterwards! Bollocks to that. Hand me the cheesecake. On a paper plate.
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