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Churchmouse. I am walking a tight line as POA. Is it my moral, legal and ethical obligation to protect her from herself and her bad financial decisions or is my job merely to physically manage the funds according to her wishes...no matter how stupid they are.

Her first instinct, every single time she talks to him or even thinks of him is to give him money. Usually because "he is hungry" or needs heat or needs....

He has never worked. He sponges off of her constantly. She will tell me to send him a chack. I ask her "how much?" and she will usually tell me something like "$100".

So, I then ask her how long a hundred dollars will solve his problems. Her answer varies but is often in the range of one week.

I then tell her that the other boys are struggling equally. Should she give them $100 also? That is $300 per week. Times 52 weeks a year, that would be almost $16,000 a year. She has usually tuned me out by this point in the conversation and I manage to just ignore her request to send money.

Mom has been with me since March 2015 and he has visited once, on mothers day 2015. He lives an hour away and has no job or family or any other obligations keeping him.

He has never initiated a phone call to see how she is doing or to tell her he loves her or anything.

My comment to him - if I ever planned on speaking to him again - would be "cat's are free at the shelter". No, actually I wouldn't say that. I would say that you should not have a pet unless you can afford to care for it.
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Mom2Mom, I'd go for c. - unless your mother is short of money for her own needs, that is, of course.

I am a cat lover, so I admit to a certain amount of bias, but more importantly your mother's right - it is her money, and there's nothing inherently dotty or irrational about wanting to help your child pay a bill if he's struggling. Also, it kind of bolsters the case for her choosing to pay this bill for him if you suspect she knew exactly what the charge was all about. Rational as you like, even if a dangerous precedent.

But you can't have wild credit cards roaming all over the place. If your brother still has it, ask him for it back; if it doesn't come back pronto, cancel it.

To cheer you up, I'll pass on the advice my best friend's husband gave her when her two Burmese got cat 'flu because she didn't believe in vaccinations and they ended up in intensive care at £100 a night: "Get New Cats."
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About two weeks ago, Mom's daytime caregiver gave me a heads up that Mom gave #1 loser brother her credit card number so he could go to the vet with his sick cat. The caregiver cautioned Mom that she should clear this with me but Mom snapped back "It's MY money"

$230 charge came in. I confronted Mom and she pretended not to know anything about it but gave enough information that it was clear that she knew exactly what she did.

So, now I am stalking #1 loser brother on facebook and I see where the problem was not solved and there are possibly more expensive tests in the cat's future.

So now I must either

a) call him and threaten him if he uses the card again

b) cancel the card so he can't use it

c) get over it and resign myself to the fact that she is willing to give him all of her money just to keep him happy.
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Today is a busy day. By default, already took dH to an appointment and must take him to work at noon. Going to clone myself to be at my own appointment at noon!
Really, don't think he does this on purpose, does he?
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Gershun, MsMadge, Katie,
So glad that you enjoyed the poem.
I am enjoying this new thread!
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Well, I guess you will agree, Lu, because you already said it.
Got my armor on and it's really heavy!
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My friend, who is a nurse, calls the extra weight 'your fighting weight'.
If one gets cancer, as you know, the treatment results in loss of weight, so a little added weight is needed. Anyone agree with this theory?
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Size 2, I don't even know what that means, probably that they shop in really expensive stores. I can still fit into some pants that are an 8 from pricey shops, walmart jeans need to be a 12 or 14. I know that back in my skinniest teen days I wore a size 12... these changing sizes are hilarious.
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For sure Freqflyer!Everyone should carry a little extra padding in case they get sick.
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Speaking of tighter clothes, what the heck happened? I always wore the same size top and now at 70 it is like I went to the next size up overnight and I hadn't added any more extra weight over the year. Even my bras have become too tight.

Guess we just widen over time. Menopause is so wonderful to us :P My Mom widen, even weighing 95 lbs she wore size 12 slacks and size 36 or Medium tops.

It usually gets me when someone on TV chimes in saying they wear size 2... yeah, right, in their dreams... no way. Can't understand why society makes the size of what someone wears so important? Looking like Twiggy can't be that healthy.
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cwillie....Extra weight does give you bigger boobs,even bigger feet too.When I had my extra weight I had cleavage up to my chin but nowI don't even wear a bra anymore because my boobs disappeared.And I went from a 9 wide shoe to an 8 and a half average.Weird....huh.
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Someone should have told me when I was young that there is an easy way to get bigger boobs, just put on 25 lbs ;)
Or maybe my winter clothes shrank over the summer?
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Send, thank you for the poem. It was very timely and I really needed those words. I especially like the part about planting a garden instead of waiting for someone to bring flowers.
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Lovely poem, Send
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Send that is one of my favorite poems. First time I read that was in a class I took when I was in my early twenties. We all contributed a page to a keepsake book that we could take home with us. One of the ladies in the class wrote out that poem. I fell in love with it immediately.
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Here in Ontario no person working at a nursing home is allowed to receive a 'gift' from resident or family - however I know that staff xmas party is in early Dec & there are door prizes - I always donate a bottle of wine to add to door prizes & that they can do because it is a random draw so not just pointed at any 1 person/staff member - try that if they will let you - the management is always grateful for those small gifts of appreciation & the randomness keeps away from being a 'bribe for better service'
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Comes The Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

Author: Veronica Shoffstall
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Was in the basement and decided to go to the shelving that I keep extra cleaning items. Some bottles were so dusty I figured they were really outdated. Came across a cleaner for lawn furniture... well I no longer have lawn furniture, it went out in the trash years ago as it fell apart. The Glass Wax can was all rusty. A bottle of laundry softener smelled weird so out it went. The boxes of opened moth balls lost it smell.

It felt good to drag that heavy trash bag up the stairs !!

Some of those cleaners were from my late parent's house back when I was emptying it. And from Dad's Assisted Living. My parents were the type that would add some water to a cleaner to get a half dozen more cleanings from a bottle :) Hey, I do that on liquid detergent for clothes.
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Makes me think of Monty Python - bring out yer dead
..but I'm not dead yet - in fact I feel like dancing
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Maybe I will keep dancing........soon.
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"Let's keep Dancing if That's All There Is"............
Oh cwillie....The '69 version with Peggy Lee is the best!
Now you have made me think of Frank's"Send in the Clowns"......
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Is that all there is, is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing.
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is...
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I agree with the bringing of cookies or brownies, etc. For all the times I helped out the staff and made things easier for them when Mom was in NHs for rehab, they never gave me a cash donation! I think this is bold and brash for them to ask for cash....kind of like tips on a cruise ship but at least there the staff does the work.
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Ms Madge, cash donation for staff? I have never heard of this. I am sure they could use it but...Whatever gets donated will probably get divided between the good, the bad, and others right? I took cookies, brownies, a cake, etc, to the area that took care of Mom while Mom was there. I took a meal for the staff after Mom passed away in appreciation of their care. You could have pushed them over with a feather. They were in shock and appreciated it soooo much. But a cash donation? I can't get comfortable with that. I guess because I have never heard of it.
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MsMadge, biggest caution is that cash donations for staff tips don't always make it to staff. I just brought cookies or fruit basket or candy like Rainmom. Based on the administration at your mom's NH, does the staff include people that never see your mom? like the director? Just sayin.
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Last Christmas I got the staff at moms nh a five-pound box of see's candies. That ran about $80. A little spendy but mom was still somewhat new there and had been acting up a lot. I was hoping to sweeten up some attitudes. Get it? Sweeten. Haha. Sorry - no coffee yet this morning. Must. Have. Caffeine.
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Send i think you can unzip just a tiny bit.
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When mom was in Independent Living, we consulted with the family of a long time resident about what the " usual" was.
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Since this is a General Topic and not the behaving badly thread, I must zip my lip, give them zip also.
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Flippant reply: given some of the things they've been up to, a voucher for training instead!

Serious reply: consult among other families and see if you can't reach a broad consensus.
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