Getting husband to an audiologist; any ideas of how to broach this with love and concern and not get angry?

There are many kinds of hearing loss, some which can be helped with hearing aids or a special headset, others not so much. I used "Florence Henderson hearing loss" and "audio enhancement headset for hearing loss" to search for two of the items I wanted to mention here, but first:

Midkid - Happy to hear that your hubby has relented and will go for the appointment. As others have said, the advancements in this area have improved over the last 30 years. No guarantee that his loss can be corrected or aided, but it is at least worth the try! Hopefully they can find a way to at least help. Whether they can or cannot, at least you can shut DIL up! If not, use a tablet to write on when he cannot hear (suggesting a tablet as he is still with-it and working, as well as likely computer saavy). For others who cannot use/afford tablets, there is an item called a Boogie Board which uses a stylus to write messages (any pointed object, non-marking, will work, even fingernails) and a button to erase the message, which can be used. I got one for mom/staff for those times that she simply cannot hear. I found they have been keeping it at the counter to use. Often she cannot hear the dinner choices being offered. For us older fogies, this is similar to an item we had as kids - I do not remember what it was called, but it is kind of a wax backboard with a plastic cover, used to "erase" the messages/images. Oh, I tried a different lookup method: Magic Slate! Apparently they still do offer these - found a 3-pack on Amazon! I would not recommend this for an adult though... Over time the wax would degrade from writing on it so much. The Boogie Board uses LCD to light it. I believe it was about 25$ and I ordered extra styluses as well as the insurance (cheap enough at $1.12 for 4 years, as the battery is not replaceable.) This saves having to find paper and pencil all the time! Note: It does NOT save anything written on it. There really is no need to, if used for hearing loss anyway. Positive feedback for those with just hearing loss was good (if the person is compliant), but as I noted usage can be sporadic if the person has dementia (doesn't remember to use it or even that they have it!) This is more portable that a white board and does not need erasable markers. It is a little less than the size of a sheet of paper - enough to write a decent message on, big enough to not get lost too easily (I also got the hot pink sleeve for it - they offer several colors, but she likes pink AND it is easier to locate!), but small enough to take with you to visits, appointments, etc.

Otosclerosis:
I became aware of Florence Henderson's hearing loss because my mother was diagnosed with this 30 or more years ago. It is one, if not the only, hearing loss that can be surgically corrected, if treated in time. I wanted to make others aware of this condition as many have never heard of it. Mom was offered the surgery, but as with any surgery the doctor had to mention the possible complications - in this case it was that they only do one ear at a time because if anything goes wrong you can impact balance. THAT convinced her NOT to have this done. What a shame. Complications can occur as with any surgery, but they are likely rare. She could have her hearing today if she had done this!! At least try one - if it doesn't work, skip the other. If it does, go for the other too!

She opted for hearing aids, which for a long time were sufficient. Several years ago the right ear degraded to the point that the hearing aid is of no use. The other ear is not much better now. With regular battery replacement it will work but with dementia now, she forgets to change the battery. She would not hear the doorbell or the phone when still living on her own. Once I had to send the police to check on her (she also managed to turn the volume off on the wall phone.) Several times I had the neighbor check. She would sometimes misplace the hearing aid while still living on her own. I remind the MC staff all the time to 1) replace batteries every 2 weeks (hearing aid provider told me this) and if she does not seem to hear well otherwise, 2) check by holding the aid in a closed hand (don't squeeze it!) If the battery is good, it squeals. Mom cannot hear it but anyone with good hearing will. If it does not squeal, replace the batteries!

Here's what Florence said in this: lifeextension.com/Magazine/2009/10/Florence-Henderson/Page-01

"...Henderson began to notice a loss of hearing. The situation progressed almost to the point of deafness, before specialists determined that a hereditary condition called otosclerosis was the culprit. “In this condition, the bones in the middle ear become soft and sludgy,” Henderson explains. “The nerves get infected, which leads to hearing loss. I had surgery on both ears, which involved implanting stainless steel and Teflon® to help me hear."

Mom's ENT doctor at that time recommended that I get tested as it can be hereditary, but there was no problem detected, and my hearing is still better than many people.

Hearing aids and headsets:

Hearing aids can sometimes help. Yes, there is adjustment to background noises, etc for some. Any good provider can also try to make adjustments for this. Some it does not work for. Some are not compliant in wearing them. Some it does not work for at all. Sometimes one must try different ones before finding the right one (as someone noted, they are 'returnable' within a given time frame.) I mention the headsets as the current doctor tried this during an initial visit where hearing aid was not working (battery needed replacing.) The previous doctor office called me to schedule an appointment for a test because my brother was not smart enough to consider the battery - he just ranted that her hearing was much worse. In that instance she just needed a new battery, but she was already beginning down the dementia pathway, so was not aware enough to change it! We have not tried a headset, and likely she would not want to wear it or might not remember to use it - the hearing aid is a long term memory, so she still remembers to put it in! Because we have not explored the headsets, I am not sure what instances it might be good for, but wanted to mention it as a possible option.

One other thing - the latest hearing aid provider she was using CAN do testing AND does not work out of an office. He comes to the home to provide services, which for a homebound (or possibly someone refusing to go) person is a godsend! When she could not find the current hearing aid a year or so ago at home (visitors found the previous broken one but they thought it was the current one), he came right out that day, saying if he could not fix it, she'd have a new one - either way, she be back in business (one or the other was found by my brother later, so she has a "spare" now!)

Hope that any information provided here can help someone!

Join a club, get active in church and get a social life. A person that talks too much is lonely. He responded he could hear you because you were in his face. So nothing has been done in 3 years? What are you doing besides venting? Leave if you must or go on strike and refuse to cook, clean, etc UNTIL he agrees to go as you said he doesn't know you already made the appointment. Whoever in his life that he will listen to, your DIL, sorry write a letter for him to read to guarantee he understands. If he can't hear sirens, that could have been ambulance siren. Can you live with him killing someone's loved one? As for husband driving, hide his keys. I trust you drive. Do not let him drive until he goes for the hearing test because the safety of those around him is vital. Find articles of accidents where a driver could not hear because fear needs to be stirred up in him of what can happen should he kill someone over being stubborn. If had chest pains I'll bet he will beg you to dial 911. Are you prepared to be a widow? You didn't mention a son, can't he talk to his father. Men have a way of listening to one another. Best of Luck.

IMO you are dealing with male vanity, which is a tough problem. Several posters suggested articles/online sources about hearing aid developments. I suggest that you put in a place where he might it himself.
Based on my own experience, I perceive there is substantial fear of hearing loss. The unknowns tend to create anxiety, which often shows up in many ways, anger, stubbornness, lashing out.
Does your husband still drive? if so, then his hearing problem is a safety issue. What would happen if he were stopped by a cop or in a major accident? if he is still driving then you should check your auto insurance to see if you need to increase your coverage.

My father after many years got hearing aids, the first set he had for a month and was able to return them. The second pair he got last year he was telling me he wanted to return them just before a month, but he lost one. He could not return only the one so he got a second one as they were insured. The family knew they were working because we no longer had to yell. He insisted that they were not working and there was a lot of extraneous noise. The Dr. told him he would at first he would be distracted by noises, because his hearing was so bad that his brain had to relearn all those normal noise the hearing individual normally blocks out. At 4 months, he quit using them. He said that, he did not see any improvement and the extraneous noises were driving him crazy. No one has been able to change his mind even though he laments his hearing loss. As far as your DIL. I have a similar relationship with my MIL. I have not told her to shut up. But I do not engage her in conversation, because I find it annoying to only make small talk and never move on to meaningful conversation. I learned during the last 3 years of my FIL’s life, (as he requested me to be his main caregiver, he said she does hear him and therefore did not honor his wishes) many things about my MIL and her emotionally abusive father, and their facade of a marriage of 60 years. So I understand that she probably feels vulnerable and therefore talks only about the obvious. Unfortunately, she never sought counseling. as she was unable to express anything but critical emotions, other than small talk. I finally told her we needed to sit down and talk. I found she had some horrible erroneous thoughts about me, I asked her to tell me how she would like me to interact with her; she never responded. The only good thing that came out of that talk, is she reconciled with her daughter. So, after my FIL’s death, I thought our relationship would improve. It has not therefore I am going to counseling, to understand better, my own behavior and her indirect speech, so that we can communicate, and then be on the path to a healthy, satisfying relationship. I feel she feels intimidated as you feel. As a health professional I have learned to ask direct questions, because of limited time with people. If we are to help, someone we need to understand their perception and the crux of their problem so we can direct toward getting to the level of health that will allow them to enjoy life. My MIL’s dancing around her desires, leaves me wondering which of the possible meanings I could take from her words are correct. On the otherhand, my Dad directlysays he will not wear his hearing aids and why. I have reiterated what the Dr. has told him, the possible consequences and then I accept his poor decision (per medical standards), even if it saddens me. I would suggest you explain to your son and DIL that your hubby doesn’t always take your advice. You too would like to see him get hearing aids, so maybe they should try to convince him to at least get his hearing checked. As someone else suggested, perhaps you should do as l am doing. Go to counseling to figure out from a neutral person what we are communicating when we speak and through our actions, so we can improve our important relationships ( hopefully at some point we can include myMIL). If you are uncomfortable with counseling, perhaps as another suggested, you should get out among people who you feel you are hearing you and you can converse. If your relationship with your husband is like my MILs, I realize either of these things will be difficult. I hope that whatever the challenges that you will be able to be victorious and find a place of contentment. May God bless you along this difficult journey.

Bless your soul dearheart...so sorry this is continuing for you.

My dad had a huge hearing loss from work. He finally allowed me to take him to get him hearing aids. He wore them for 3 yrs and it really didn't help much. He would complain it's too loud and take them off. He read lips as a way of compensating...

Maybe an electronic or reuseable/erasable notebook would help??

I'm so happy your husband has agreed to go to the audiologist. If he balks further, can you talk about it in relation to his caring about you? Have him do it for you and what it means to you.

I'm equally concerned though about his seeming oblivious state. How can you be a decent driver and not see a police car with lights and sirens behind you? He must not be checking his rearview mirror like a good driver. That would be downright scary to me as a spouse. If you know you have a hearing loss, how can you miss a flight? I'd be on hyper-alert, knowing I couldn't hear what was going on. That concerns me as much as his actual hearing loss. It sounds like he's still working, which is another reason to get his hearing checked. His co-workers or customers must tear their hair out if he's as difficult with them as he is with you. I really hope you get some good news and I really hope if he gets aids, he'll wear them.

Both of my folks had hearing loss. My dad had major loss from his work on planes in WWII. He had expensive aids but wouldn't use them. I refused to talk to him until he put in his aids. So he'd put in one. ARGGGGH. My mom had aids but never wore them. Her hearing loss wasn't as bad, but it was a pain for me to deal with. My cousin was hard-of-hearing and his whole family were VERY LOUD talkers and are to this day. I wish you good luck.

I am taking all these ideas to use for myself. My husband actually was finally tested, told he was extremely deaf and could use hearing aides. Stop. Cost is excuse right now. But I find I have trained myself in my dealings with him. Touch his hand and look at him in face before talking, constantly ask, "did you hear what I just said?", tell people right in front of him to repeat because he couldn't hear them. Heading to Children and grandkids in two days, will prep myself for how I tell them about this situation. I will not accept blame for this or any medical problems as he is the most hardheaded of people to deal with. Luckily I can pull SD aside and let her know what the deal is and how it affects us. Thanks for the heads--up everyone. And good luck.

Compassion fatigue sets in after a while of dealing with the same problems over and over again. I'm sure your DIL had compassion at the beginning and for a while afterward. I understand her point of view that having people shouting around her is unbearable. It doesn't matter that the reason people are shouting is because of hearing loss. Noise is noise and she's obviously fed up with it as much as you are!

I'm glad your husband is going to the audiologist. It's not going to be easy to fall out of the habit of shouting or for your husband to learn to read lips but it will be worth it. He need not perfect adapting to deafness; he just needs to make efforts.

Also, check out what resources your local library has for both of you. Dementia is not inevitable! Reading is an excellent exercise for the brain. Good luck!

Good for you, midkid! If it does come down to him refusing to go, then I'd never raise my voice or repeat myself. As you well know, it's exhausting to keep raising your voice and repeating what you say. It's draining. Maybe tough love, either he misses out on what's said, or the onus is on him to be more alert to people talking (as much as he can), or he can go to the appointment and at least give hearing aids or other aid a try.

The advancements that have been made in 30 years is astounding.
It is possible that 30 years ago there was nothing that could have been done to greatly improve his hearing but now , today is another story.

You might want to tell him that it is part of his annual physical and just like a colonoscopy it has to be done.
All tests are scary especially when you anticipate the worst results.
And yes he will probably get angry but he will get over it. Just explain that you love him and want to make sure that everything that can be done is being done. Wouldn't he do the same for one of the kids or grand kids? You would leave no stone unturned looking for an answer.

Good morning
Have you brought home brochures for him to read.
You can try explaining to him hearing aids have come along way
in 30 years.
Maybe you can have his doctor have him go for part of his annual checkup.
Does he know how to use a computer?
If so maybe he can read up on the improvements that have been made
in 30 years.
Good luck

Geewiz, we have friends that are clueless that my hubby wears hearing aids, they are flesh color and are so small they just disappear behind his ear. My cousin just got a new set and he can adjust them with his phone.

Yahoo Midkid, that is great news that he is willing to see if new technology can help him, I bet he realized just how vulnerable a deaf person can be after surprising mom.

May God lead the Drs and give you and hubby your hearts desires, hearing.

Mid, he didn't shut you down because he suffered through the whole family visit with you! I am just beginning year 2 of hearing aids (which I only use some of the time - don't ask!). I had visited an audiologist a year before this and felt it was the sales pitch of the century and didn't move on getting help. Fast Forward I spoke with my internist and she suggested I go to an ENT to verify there wasn't a medical issue . I did that AND there was an audiologist in the same location and I felt more comfortable with that arrangement.
I have to be honest, there are still times I can't hear --- they aren't perfect. Foreign accents lose me. TV shows with loud music for effect and I lose the conversation. If I am in the back of a car and the conversation is from the front, I am lost. For a woman, hearing aids can easily be hidden, but for a man--- well their short hair shows it and if he is still working, he doesn't want to 'look like an old man'. Still, if he gives them a fair chance, he will be happy to be part of the conversation!
Let's hope all of the advances in this area will give him the joy of sound once again.  If not, get a white board and marker . . .  At least he isn't fighting this time.

Well done midst. I will keep my fingers crossed for you (can't include the toes it would hurt the bunions)
Hubby will probably go to the appointment and buy the hearing aides and they will improve his hearing BUT WILL HE USE THEM? My hubby's are collecting dust. When he can't hear me he tells me to put mine in as if that would help. i do wear mine most of the time by the way

I have been walking on eggshells about talking to DH about the Appt I made for him to see an audiologist (and an ENT).Praying pretty hard for it too---

A couple of days ago, DH had to go by his mother's to fix her new hearing aids. She is almost 100% deaf and has been for many years. Has had minimal success with several types of aids, but she's really, really "dotty" and can't follow a conversation w or w/o hearing aids..anyway, DH said he walked into her house, shouting for her, and finally gave up and sat down at the table to take a look at her new Bluetooth compatible aids. She walked in about 10 minutes later and was kind of shocked to see DH, she hadn't heard him calling her, hadn't heard him walking around....anyway, I guess it was sort of a wake up call to DH. He told me about the visit and how hard it is to get her to understand things--and I commented that deaf people struggle with not "getting" the whole picture and they can become very insulated to the world in general. How dementia is higher among the hard of hearing..I couldn't quote the exact source, but he didn't ask me to....

SO...
I plunged in and told him I had pre-emptively made him an apt on the 28th of March with the clinic group he is already a patient with. He agreed to go. No fuss, no fight, no nothing. I told him that if there was absolutely nothing that could be done to help his hearing I'd never bring it up again. (I fully expected a LOT of pushback--and I got none.)

So---just gonna hold my breath and hope he can make this apt a priority. He travels a great deal, but if he knows way in advance about drs visits, he can make travel plans around them.

Fingers crossed--they will be able to help him. I KNOW hearing aids are expensive, but hey, I didn't want to go to France with a deaf man this year anyway!!

And, he actually confessed to me that the ear with the nerve damage has actually gotten better over the years (!) and now his hearing is equally as bad in each ear. This gave me hope as it's possible that the original dx (over 30 yrs ago) was that he would lose 100% of the hearing in that ear.

Positive thoughts our way would be appreciated!!! I know this may be life altering for him....he didn't shut me down as he usually does---that's HUGE!!

So not to minimize your struggle but, I feel like I should share this story. For 10+ years I was saying to DH, what, huh, repeat that, you mumble, speak up, you need to get your hearing tested, DH would respond, you don't listen, I don't mumble, what is it a habit to say what, huh, repeat that. We had some pretty stressful times because of it, so he comes in my office and said he had scheduled a hearing test, for both of us. Okay, I'm a firm believer in having base lines on our health. Off we go and get our hearing checked, yep he has a huge range that he can not hear, so on the way home I asked him if he was okay, he was quite surly and quiet. He says, no I'm not, I knew I would be saying see I told you it was you, of course I crack up because he is so mad that he couldn't harangue me. We had a tense minute, then he laughed. The 1st time he heard a cricket in years he was like a child in the awe of hearing his favorite sound. That was beautiful to witness. I pray for you they can at least help with the one ear that doesnt have nerve damage.

Midlid at least you have not lost your sense of humor!
DIL has obviously not met me. "I am not having IT done unless you put me out." I would not ever consider putting you out you are too big risk. "Well Dr X said he would' "I am head of anesthesiology and I am not going to do it and Dr X is not here today" "OK then i am going home right now" and I did.
I too have a DH who is deaf ( and so am I) he got his hearing tested and brought hearing aides at great expense and then traded them in for another pair at even more expense. Now of course he won't wear them, even forgot to take them to his last audiologist's appt.
I have to yell at him then he replies that i should put MY hearing aids in as if that would make him able to hear him better.
Getting deaf people to help themselves is very much a loosing battle.
Try making a letterhead for the audiologist and write.
Dear Mr DH,
An appoinment has been made for on 00.00.2018 at 10.00am Please arrive ten minutes early and bring your insurance card and co-payment plus identification and a list of current medications.
Failure to keep this appoinment will result in a cage of $00'
Sincerely
Nurse JKE RN for Dr X.
You can actually mail it so he has to open it himself. You might want to hide somewhere while he opens it, but he may get the message and go.
Or you can go to Amazon and but one of those devices they sell for about $50 and see if he will try that.
Things have moved on a lot in 30 years.

Thanks all--

IF the audiologist tells us that there truly is nothing that can be done to help my DH's hearing loss, I will accept that and learn to live with it, either he will have to learn some kind of sign language or we will have to communicate by writing. It's the fact he went in to an ENT 30+ years ago, was told he had nerve damage and he'd never recover hearing in his right ear and has NEVER broached the subject again with any dr in that period of time that makes me sad/angry. HIs right ear is almost 100% gone and the left is about 60-75% gone. These are "guesses" on my part--- He's missing SO MUCH!! Our sweet grands with their high pitched little voices talking and singing and being themselves--he has to watch all TV with the CC on, he simply cannot hear what is being said. He's missed flights b/c he doesn't hear the announcement to board. He misses cops following him (he's a speed demon) and he misses all sirens, road noise, etc. Misses a lot of what is said on jobsites--and that's becoming problematic---

I was at the airport last night (it was NOT busy, nor noisy) he was wandering about, looking for me, and I was waving and semi-shouting to him that I was "over here" and he looked right past me and could not hear me at all. Looking at him wandering like that--kind of a clueless look on his face, suddenly I felt absolutely heartbroken, he looked so old and depressed. He's 66, that is NOT old.

I will pick my moment to tell him he has this ENT/audiology appt. My best guess is he will be livid that I am being intrusive.

And yes, the "kids" had no right to harangue ME about dad's health--good grief, the man is an engineer and is quite brilliant--but when you cannot hear, you tend to look lost and well, kind of rude as people talk to you and you don't even respond.

And yes, DIL could be a lot more compassionate, but she is a very cold person. I love her and she is good to my son. She's just a ice queen. She does not suffer fools and believes in telling the truth--no matter the cost. It's a sad joke on our family that it hasn't been a real visit with my son's family until they have made me cry.

Her patients are 100% cooperative: she's an anesthesiologist.

Midkid, if the audiologist tells him he is deaf and there is nothing that can be done, what will you do? I think that you have to face the fact that he has no intention of dealing with his hearing problems and start coping as someone with a deaf husband instead of trying to over compensate for him. Tell him something once (although I'm not sure I would even bother with that), then write it down or communicate in another way... or maybe you should just text him. Loud talking is a habit that is very hard to break - I know I do it. And I know my sister tends to prattle on because nobody else listens to her except me, so if that is part of your problem then maybe you need to get out among other people more often.

Midkid, DIL should have more compassion for you, as a Dr how many of her patients do not follow her orders and advise. You should ask her how she deals with non compliant patients that think she has no way to help them, she's so damn smart. Sorry, yelling at someone who obviously is in desperate need of more conversation is not helpful in the least.

Maybe DH would read about the advances in technology over the last 30 years, it is astounding, ask Drs office if they have resources or ideas about the advances.

It is so difficult to have our DH be resistant to care and be angry but, the family getting angry is like kicking the dog cuz you got a flat tire. Maybe you can explain to your son that a PHD doesn't give you all the right to be hurtful, nor the understanding of your day to day life.

We love you and are so sorry you got used as a scratching post.

Midkid, you have a real hard situation on your hands here.