Grief and Death for Non-Believers

Every living being has a built in survival instinct. If you fall into the lake and don't know how to swim, you're sure going to splash around a lot to try to save yourself.

I think humans are hard wired to protect and prolong their lives. This life is all we know. Death is the unknown. No one had ever come back from the grave to let us know what's going on.
(Well, there have been people describing what happened to them in a moment of death then later brought back to life. Mostly all of their experiences are "spiritual" in nature.)

We have to accept death because there is no alternative and we are powerless against it. But we're programmed for life. So it makes sense that we are comforted by our "religious" beliefs that a part of us (soul) lives on forever. We only have to worry about the "crossover" (physically dying) but it's not the end of everything or you.

Certain faiths believe that we (as souls) have always existed with God (as souls). We are either sent into a random life, are sent to a pre planned existence or we choose our time to be born and to whom. We live our human lives (with our souls), then, when our bodies give out, our souls return from whence they came (God/Heaven) to continue on.

There are many theories as to why we come into human form. One theory is that we (our souls also) are being "refined". We're supposed to learn lessons here, presumably to be more humble/grateful/God-like in the spirit realm. Even if you don't agree with that, life certainly has its experiences!

IMO, I don't believe that anyone believes 100% of everything that their "religion" teaches. I don't. But I try to stick with the things that are the best for everyone and are based out of love.

Science can neither confirm nor deny God. Science needs hard facts to prove their claims. God lives in the spiritual realm. Since we don't reside there, there would be no proving it.
The two are like oil and water, they don't mix.

There are a lot of things that we don't have "proof" of. Will the earth be here tomorrow?

For me, I don't WANT to be the highest being in my world. I'm flawed. I screw up. I can't, at times, keep it together. I WANT there to be a perfect "model" for me, someone I can look up to (no human fits that bill). I have that model because I believe in God. I don't need "proof".

Even better that my God promises me that my soul (the very essence of who I am-what makes me-ME) will be with Him and live forever.

I could comfort anyone with any spiritual/religious belief (except Satanism). It wouldn't matter to me which diety they believed in (Budda, Krishna, Mohamed, Guru Granth, etc.) But I'm still at a loss for someone who doesn't believe in anything.

It's a delight to find a thread dealing with this hot button topic. This is definitely a thread on which to spend some time reading, leisurely, with a nice hot cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate.

Until that time, I'd just like to add that I'm one who resents and finds irritating blasé platitudes about a "better place", being with a deity, etc

I wish people would spend some time studying history, and all the civilizations which have existed before us, playing special attention to the deities they had, and how those deities changed with the various civilizations. There's so much to be gained from studying the history of religion and the deities, before religion was more codified and commercialized.

There's also a lot to be gained by studying the progress of science throughout the ages. W/o telescopes and grounded scientific theory, it's easy to try to find solace and comfort in what people experience at that time.

A very interesting theory is propounded by Dan Brown in his latest book, Origins. Following a general pattern of his earlier books, there's a lot of action, discussion, theories, speculation, around the topic which focuses on the basis: Where did we come from and where are we going?

The plot segues off though to the question of past extinction events, and whether or not another is in the future, probably well past our lifetimes, although a drastically changing event of a different nature could be on the horizon.

But the fascinating aspect is the theory that the next major event will be technological, involving Artificial Intelligence. The theory that AI can and may overtake human action, controlling in various ways, is one that really can be said to exist already. The question I think is how far it will go, and how easily or strongly humans will resist it, if we can.

Think about all the technological devices in existence today and how they're encroaching on individual decision making. Do you use Siri or whatever those home devices are that tell you what time it is? What the weather will be?

Driverless cars are already experimental. Can you imagine riding in a car over which you REALLY may have no control? Can you think of all the recalls that have occurred during the history of the auto and imagine allowing yourself to ride in a car that may have defective and dangerous components?

Can you accept that drones are becoming more popular, and that nongovernment agencies and individuals are using them? Photos and videos are already out of control with people creating them w/o any permission of the individuals who are subjects of the videos or photos, and posting them on social media, also w/o permission of the subjects.

I keep asking myself, whatever happened to individual initiative, strength and curiosity, to adaptation, to creation of music, literature, art? Will a Siri "relative" create the next Venus de Milo? The next pseudo Shakespearean masterpiece? The next Beethoven substitute?

Will adaptations of existing religions try to present solutions to a controlling tech device, especially if the devices literally become omnipotent?

I too am at a loss about what to say when someone is ill or has died, telling someone I'm thinking of you just doesn't seem to carry the same weight as saying you're in my prayers, and the simple but true you have my sympathy is often seen as trite and is sometimes even greeted with hostility.
I like Windy's answer of giving the dying the kind of comfort that you know they need even if you don't share their beliefs. I also like MountainMoose's suggestion to praise them for a life well lived and to reference those who have gone on before - even if you can't bring yourself to say that the dead are waiting in heaven I suppose you can talk about imagining how wonderful it would be if they are.

People say that stuff because they don't know what else to say. I hate it when people tell me "You'll be OK". Really? How do they know that, do they they have crystal ball? I'm the only one who gets to say if I'm going to be OK or not. It's dismissive and ignores the fact we are going through one of life's most difficult times.
Confronting people about the uselessness of their musings probably won't lead to anything good. So... I suppose we accept what is and deal with the situation one day at a time. Take care of ourselves and live to the best of our standards.

In reading the posts, I think those who want to believe in a religion or spirituality but can't find the right fit are those trying to have their "belonging" need met. In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, Basic Survival is the largest need (water, air, shelter) then Safety (health, financial), then up to Belonging (friendships, family), and on up to the smaller Esteem and Self-Acutalization.

I think those of us who did or do want some connection to religion or belief of some kind are seeking to fill the Belonging need. When I considered that years ago, then that need for some belief in any religion (I researched Buddhism looking for something that fit my science-based personality) fell away. That led me to accept there's no proof of a god.

I do believe there is a plane for souls, we just haven't been able to prove it. While there could be a scientific reason for real mediums aren't really connecting with spirits or souls but have instead a brain to connect with our own brains to discover our loved ones' memories. Even if that's the case, I find it comforting and not afraid of death.

In defence of my comments yesterday... I said I believe MOST people are doubtful, I absolutely know zealots, and not just Christian ones.

It’s terms we all have to deal with. I always say it’s the last thing I want to deal with. Folks often go back and forth on beliefs and who knows. If we knew there would finally be peace on earth. At least we are dealing with these feelings and in the end that’s all we can do. Peace on your journey.

Dorianne, I would recommend

Alain de Bouton's Consolations of Philosophy (especially for his further reading list)

Any prayer book from any faith. There is always an interesting point of view to be found. Failing that, there's often a good belly laugh.

I'll share my favourite, it's from the thirteen articles of faith within Judaism's basic daily schedule...

"I believe with perfect faith in the coming of the Messiah and, though He tarry, I wait daily for His coming."

It's the "though he tarry" bit that tickles me every time. It's that fleeting glance at the watch, the imperceptible clench of the teeth, the suppressed eye roll. It's the determination to keep faith *in spite* of life's lessons.

As Mary Renault put it, "the time of gods is not like the time of men." I am not an atheist, I'm not really an agnostic either, but I have Absolutely No Idea what the nature of God is and not much faith - only trust - that whatever it is it takes much interest in the lives of little people. I'm pretty sure that it's not reasonable to expect our few pounds of grey matter each to comprehend the universe.

But, more to the point (you'll be relieved to hear), a study group in Dachau came to the same conclusion - that God in the terms they had always understood the concept did not exist. The evidence was overwhelming and all around them. It took them a long long night of discussion to get to this. And at the end of it, one of them got to his feet and said "good. Now, let us say kaddish."

I haven't encountered Pentecostalism close up so I can only imagine how alarming it might have been for you. What format used you to follow as a child? That may be the one worth having another look at - it's like home.

Grief and death... it's not like you're given a choice about having to face them, or even when, only about what support you might find helpful with the how. Keep looking.

Atheist Headstone......

ALL DRESSED UP
WITH NO PLACE TO GO.......

smeshque - it's not my intent to try to squash open conversation, but I did ask specifically at the start of this thread that religious people not come in here to proselytize.

Thank you for feeling sad for me. I have tried very hard to live by your faith, and I know the bible very well, but I found it to be a false doctrine.

Also there is FAR more to spirituality than just Christianity.

cdnreader - I feel quite the same as you, except I don't think I am cynical so much as I think I am skeptical. My questioning and investigation has only led to dead ends, as far as god and the afterlife is concerned.  (Edit:  I did not intend a pun here.)

cmagnum - It seems to me the point of what you're saying is that the proof of resurrection is the witness accounts of the resurrection of Jesus? But to me, that "proof," those witness accounts, only exist in the bible, which I do not take as true. I know through my own research that the bible has been misinterpreted, mistranslated, and altered many times over the centuries, and that what went into the very first Christian bible was decided by a group of human beings, who rejected many other "testimonies." So putting all my faith in the resurrection of Jesus doesn't ring true to me at all.

I also find the concept of "sin" problematic here. If there's no god, how is there even a concept of sin? I think (I may be misreading) that your argument only makes the point that if there's no resurrection of Jesus, then your sins are not forgiven. But if there's no god at all, why are there things considered sinful in the first place? Who decided they were sins?

This makes me so sad for you Dorianne, you said " BECAUSE I want to have faith but don't", All you have to do is ask for it.

Mark 9:23-24
23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

In reply to Sue C.....

So....I gave up my Christian faith when I was about 23. I mentioned earlier, it was something I chose when I was young (pre-teen), whereas my family was pretty agnostic. (Truthfully, I was a bit wobbly about Christianity until I went to a Pentacostal bible camp, where they showed us awful films and terrorized us into being true believers.) I gave it up because, until then, I'd understood the choices were Christianity or non-belief. When I started learning about other religions and mythologies, and learning about the way the original Christianity had been altered through the centuries (mis-interpretations and "edits" of the bible, etc.) and used by individuals as a tool for gaining power, that's when I started looking around at other belief systems.

For a long time, I did still believe in a higher power. Because I'd felt excluded from and discriminated against by major religious organizations, I called my higher power "she" and even "goddess." I was really comfortable with that for a long time, probably into my mid-to-late 30s.

When I was 37? I got very sick and nearly died from a septic kidney (kidney stones, blocked ureter....and I was sent home from the ER the first time with the news I had a simple bladder infection....so I almost died in my own home before a family member got me back to the ER). The whole time I was in the hospital, it never occurred to me once to ask for help from god or a higher power. I put ALL of my faith in medical science and my personal will to live. And then when I went under for surgery to drain the infection - the first time in my life I went under anesthesia - I woke up with a "certainty" that death would be just like that: you just disappear into pure nothingness and don't even know it. So I came out of that experience fairly atheistic, to be honest. And I was comfortable with it at the time. I was just happy to be alive! And I thought if there's really nothing, then it's time for me to really LIVE this life. And I took up playing music in public, which was my lifelong dream.

It was actually a very powerful feeling, very empowering, to think that I was the highest being in my own universe. To think that there was no one above me, and mainly, that *I* and no one else was the one who controlled my life and my destiny. Yeah....it was incredibly empowering to put myself in the driver's seat, to take control and abolish the concept of "fate" and "god's will."

Through the music community, I met a lot of people with a lot of....let's say hippie-ish beliefs. Love and light and even some of the "new age" stuff. I was starting to come around to believing in a universal force of some kind. Not a god, but a spiritual connectedness, I guess. "We are all one."

But the longer I started hanging out with the new age set, the more it just seemed like a big steaming pile of nonsense. Being very science-minded, I asked questions that people couldn't answer. I found instead that so many spiritual leaders are tricksters, hucksters, confidence men (and women), "cold readers" - whether Christian or new age. I investigated further than believers were willing to investigate. I needed evidence instead of words, I guess. And I found none.

I guess that's what it comes down to. I am a skeptic, a questioner, an investigator. I need evidence, proof....and I've never seen any. Not even once. So when I say I would really LIKE to believe....I guess I mean I would really like some proof! And I realize proof is probably a near-opposite of belief. But I just can't bring myself to believe in something that's never shown itself to me.

Having been a Christian, and a spiritual person, I do believe in the power of the mind to feel something is real. Like love for god. I've felt that. Powerfully. I also think I made it up in my mind, during a lonely, abusive childhood when I needed love and a strong, unseen friend. (Like in the book, The Color Purple, where the main character is alone and starts writing letters to god....but then when she discovers her sister is still alive, she starts writing to her sister instead.) As an adult....I think I still needed love and a strong, unseen (this time female) friend....because when I almost died, I wound up realizing I was quite alone and almost friendless in the world. Since then, I made the effort to surrounded myself with a loving group of friends, and I find the need for an invisible one has disappeared.

Combine that with my questioning and lack of evidence, my feeling that everything in the world has a scientific explanation (even the color purple, lol)....and I think that's it in a nutshell.

And I mean, the part of me that WANTS to believe is the part of me that is, yes, absolutely terrified of just ceasing to exist. And it's not that you're alone when you're dead....if there's nothing then you don't know you're dead. You don't know because you just stop. You cease. (There's a "funny" meme that I see atheists and agnostics posting on social media: "When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid.")

And it's the part of me that is absolutely and wholly bereft that I will never see my father or stepmother again, or any of the people I love, or even the animals I've loved. When my most beloved cat George died of cancer last year....I gave myself this picture of my dad and stepmom taking him into their fold....but I knew very well I was deliberately making that up to console myself, and in the end, it didn't really help.....because I am fully cognizant that I made it up. It's something I WANT to believe, but how can I believe it when it's a fantasy I made to comfort myself?

Does that make sense at all?

I prefer to call myself agnostic, rather than atheist, because I can't say for sure that I KNOW there's nothing, any more than I can say for sure that there's SOMETHING. In this, I think sometimes atheists can be just as dogmatic as theists....

It sounds to me like I Corinthians 15:12-19 would fit in here.

"12 But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? 13 If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. 14 And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. 15 More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead. But he did not raise him if in fact the dead are not raised. 16 For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. 17 And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. 18 Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. 19 If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied."

Basically what this is saying is if there is no resurrection, the Jesus was not raised and Easter is a lie, your faith is useless, you are still in your sins and are to be pitied for your faith in Christ is only for this life.

However, the context of this passage is the argument for the opposite being true. Otherwise, we might as well, eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die which is what some people believe but they mourn as those who have no hope.

That's basically what it all comes down to.

Dear Dorianne,

Thank you for starting this thread. It has given me a lot to think about. I think this was my challenge in processing my grief. I couldn't believe my father was gone. I wanted him to be like your mom and just hang on for me. But I know that is not right either. We all have one life to live and we all hear about how everyone wants to live fully. But I see how so many people's bodies wear out and then I think, is that it?

I am still seeking comfort but I sometimes I think I am too cynical to accept anything.

SueC - I don't take offense at all. I am very interested in these conversations BECAUSE I have struggled, and BECAUSE I want to have faith but don't. Let me have a re-read and a think, and I'll write a longer reply. :-)

Dorianne,
I've really been thinking about this subject. No proselytizing here.
As a nurse, I've comforted my share of dying patients. I can't remember a time when God or spirituality wasn't involved.

I am a Christian but I don't push it on anyone. I will make "religious" statements like "God bless you" or "I'm praying for you" and I mean it. If it doesn't pertain to you, then I figure you can dismiss it. If you're really offended you can get pissed and tell me to take it somewhere else.

I didn't grow up in a religious home but my folks sent me to Sunday School and I went all through Catholic school. I don't subscribe to any one denomination.
I don't read the bible every day but I've completed 6 years of bible study. I don't agree with everything I read but I don't think that's necessary. There are things I struggle with but I don't dwell on them.

I believe that, through my faith, I will have a spiritual (soul) existence after my physical body dies. That makes me feel good. I'll have an existence with God and others, without the physical encumbrance of a worn out, old body. OK, enough about me.

When an atheist friend died, I was amazed how sad I felt that he thought there was "nothing" after dying. It made me feel so empty. Is that all there was? (this life).
I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he believed he had no soul. He was just a body with an intelligent mind that lived for 78 years then expired.

Since there would be no continuing in a spiritual realm, there would be nothing to speak to the dying about in a future tense. I suppose that, in that case, one would only be able to speak about the person's PAST achievements, joys, hallmark moments, etc. There is nothing to "look forward to." Death will be "it, kind of anticlimactic.

If the death is a painful one, dying will bring relief. But somehow I wouldn't want to hear that on my death bed. I would want a more positive thought as my candle burns out.

Physical death IS final as far as we know. Unless you are of other religious beliefs, there is no reincarnation to have another go round in human life.

Like you said, death would scare me too if I believed that ALL of me was just stopping. What keeps me going is that I believe that my spirit will live on with other spirits in God's realm. I won't be JUST a cold, hard body in a box or ashes in an urn surrounded by nothingness.

My faith gives me hope that I will have a different and much more lovely spiritual existence after the flesh gives up. I can have the "courage" to die because of the promise of an afterlife. I don't see how an atheist would find that same courage. Maybe that's why your mom won't let go.

If you don't believe in a deity, then YOU are all you've got. You are the highest life form and knowledge source in your universe. If there is nothing ahead, you should enjoy what's here and now.

If you believe in a spirit realm or afterlife (without "God"), then I suppose that would provide some peace knowing you'd be with other spirits. We humans are a social bunch and no one wants to think they would be completely alone in a dead body. But then, I'm assuming there is a living soul to suffer the "aloneness".

After all these thoughts, I'm at a loss of what to say to give the dying non-believer comfort. You could say, "I'm here for you." "I'll be with you through your journey."


You wrote; "It would be easier to deal with all this if I could just believe in some kind of afterlife, but I don't. I have wrangled with spiritual issues all my life, and my conclusion is that....I HOPE there's something, but I really don't think there is."

Out of curiosity, what made you give up your faith? Your analytical mind doesn't believe in the Divine/Afterlife but you sound like you wish you could. Please don't take offense. This is just my observation.

A long time ago, I questioned the existence of Jesus. I asked God, "If He is real, then let me know it." I got my answer over time.
I'm not trying to force anything on you nor am I suggesting you do what I did.

Hopefully someone else will have a better suggestion. Thanks for bringing this issue to light.

Windyridge - lol, I know what you mean. In my 20s I got a red letter edition of the bible and stuck to reading only the words of Jesus. All that love and forgiveness was lovely, hippie-ish stuff!

cwillie - I sort of disagree with you there! About half of my stepfamily are evangelicals. My stepmother resisted them all her life, and struggled when she was dying because she never got over that implanted fear of hell and the devil. (Her mother actually told her she was going to hell because she divorced her first husband.) They are absolutely certain, righteous even, in what they believe....to the point where they have an answer for everything. They were so relentless, my agnostic father actually faked a "conversion" just to get them off his back. I agree that's probably not representative of most Christians, but it seems to be representative of a fair number of them, especially in America (from an outsider Canadian's perspective).

MountainMoose....that's the part I find hard. When my stepmother was in hospice, I felt like I was missing something that other people say, about the afterlife or something. Plus my stepmom was steeped in all that fire and brimstone stuff from her family - she kept hallucinating the devil while on morphine. I wound up bringing a friend along, who is a monk (a very modern one). He was the first (only) one who thought to say, "You're going to be with R___ (my dad) very soon.  R___ is waiting for you." And even though she was barely conscious and whacked out on morphine, it was almost the only smile she gave throughout the last week of her life. 

It was the one thing that finally helped her shake off her family's vision of fire and brimstone.  And I couldn't give her that. It never OCCURRED to me to give her that, but who else would have? Nobody did. It should have been me, but it would have been a lie, to me....or at least something I couldn't possibly know. It still troubles me. And I wonder what it's going to be like with my mom, who doesn't even have ANY afterlife beliefs.....

Dorianne: You asked, "As a non-believer, how do YOU comfort the dying?" I'm a reality- and science-based person. Since religious platitudes are out of the question, for Mom, I focus on what she's achieved in her life, how us kids have turned out and, since I believe in the spirit world, I talk about our deceased relatives and that they'll be waiting for her. She finds that uplifting.

Your question "how do you comfort the dying" brings us full circle, I really doubt that most people who fall back on the religious platitudes are any more certain than you or I.

I did Hospice visits for a couple years. Quit because the demands of my own elderly parents became a priority.

It was a great experience. Many of the folks I visited were elderly and religious, and were in the last months and days of their lives.

I did lots of bible reading for folks. It took a little while to get back into practice, get the language, the cadence....It was very comforting to people who had been church goers their whole lives.

But I was so rusty I had to do a little on line research for comforting passages. I had forgotten how much of the Bible involves the lord striking down the sinners who doth not believe in him. I learned to skip the hellfire and brimstone and other scary parts.

But I never offered up the standard biblical platitudes.  YOULL BE IN HEAVEN SOON WITH YOUR FAMILY.  And all that.  Really no call for me to do so.  There were Hospice chaplains for all that.  Those folks were a great comfort to so many of my patients.

Too many posts from me, sorry. I didn't expect this to get so busy so fast! But I asked EricaMagoo this, when it might be for all of us....

As a non-believer, how do YOU comfort the dying? Especially if they are afraid of dying? What do you say, what do you tell them? How do you console them? How do you deal with their fears?

cwillie - I wouldn't say most of the "new age" folks I know are Christians. But yes, that sort of spiritual practice DOES feel a lot like making up a recipe as you go, so long as it suits or reflects what you WANT to believe. I would have more respect for someone who went hardcore at Buddhism and Buddhist practices, to be honest.

Branchingout - I did buy and read that in my 20s, but to be honest, I found it very oriented towards the meaning of men's lives. I felt very short-shrifted and "second classed" by most religions and mythologies when I was younger....as a woman and a feminist, I was looking for something that included me more.

EricaMagoo83 - I think we are on the same page, for sure. Do you find....ok, this is what I find hard. Do you find it hard to comfort the dying themselves? I had a really difficult time with this when my stepmother was dying.

Mountainmoose - lol, if that were my mom, I could see her just saying, "I don't want prayers, go away."

Linda22 - I am TOTALLY with you there!

cwillie - I agree there's no need to be rude. But I more likely would not participate in communion, and would quietly leave the room instead. Like, "Here, let me give you some space. I'll go get a coffee."

I love the "new age" christians, they sort of just make sh*t up as they go along.... add a little of this, subtract a little of that.... kinda like when the head of the united church said it wasn't necessary to believe Jesus is god...

Lol Windyridge.....

I don't mean just Christian faith, though. I was a strong Christian in my youth - totally by choice (my family is not religious....we were not even baptized because our parents wanted us to make our own choices about religion). In my mid-20s I started learning about other religions and faiths, along with mythologies, so my belief in organized religion fell away with increased knowledge. But I still believed in SOMETHING. A huge part of my shift towards disbelief in the last 10 or so years has come from the "new age" community of believers, alongside my growing interest in science. I made a dear friend out of a woman who runs a metaphysical store - selling everything from crystals to tarot decks, with customers varying from pagans to practitioners of what I now call "Buddhism Lite." *cough*Eckhart Tolle*cough* The more I got to know the customers, the less I found myself able to believe in anything. Especially when books like The Secret and the philosophy of (the totally b.s.) "law of attraction" started getting hot. I really lost it where "The Secret" basically says that Jews brought on ("attracted") their own torture and murder at the hands of the Nazis. And it seemed to me that some of these folks were just as - if not more - judgemental and self-righteous as some (SOME) Christians tend to be.  Plus....anti-science to the Nth degree. 

In a nutshell.

Possibly in America, your focus is more on Christianity than anything else, but I do feel just as much frustration with members of other faiths, especially the "new age" ones.  Being a musician, I tend to meet more "new age" folks in the "artsy" circles of my real life these days than Christians.  Actually, the one Christian musician in my close friend circle is probably the least self-righteous and judgemental person I know!  And also one of the sweetest.  :-)

Dorianne, I’m somewhat there with you. I was raised Jewish but my dad wasn’t so I got to see more than one religion in a household as well as friends of different religions. Anyway, I don’t know what I believe or how I feel about “after death”. I agree, I want to think there is something after death but I’m not sure there is. I also have a huge fear of death and “not existing.” I just let the people say what they need, thank them and move on as long as they don’t push their beliefs on me.

"The Power of Myth", by Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers is a very good read along the lines of finding meaning in life throughout the ages. I got a hold of it in my 20's and was able to settle down quite a lot about death after having been raise in a fundamentalist household and being unable to "believe". I am also not an atheist. Some people, according to psychologists, are just naturally able to have faith, some are not.