I am so very disappointed and sad. My family was always very close. I have two brothers. We always got together with Mom and Dad and each other.
I was had the Power of Attorney for everything, and handled things after her death.
One of my brothers had been living in my Mom and Dad's house for about 18 years, rent free. He didn't have to pay any bills, etc. Once she died I had to ask him to move out so that I could sell the house and split it 3 ways. He never made an effort to work or save any money. So naturally after it was sold and I gave him his portion of the money, he does not talk to me anymore. We used to do everything together.
My other brother is married and he and his wife do their own thing and have always been pretty private. This brother texts me about news info occasionally as I do him, but we don't talk on the phone or see each other, especially now because of the pandemic.
I am single, no children, no any close friends in my city. I have been hunkered down because of Covid, am not working, and am very lonely.
Not only did I lose my Mother, but I lost my older brother because of the house sale, and seldom talk to my younger brother. I'm always the one to reach out. I would NEVER have thought things would end up this way NEVER in a million years. I am soooooo sad and hurt.
You used to do everything together? How, in that case, did you manage to avoid discussing his future?
Where is he now?
As far as I know they are together. My brother called my nephew at closing and let him know he was getting the proceeds from the sale of Mom's house and his son came running. My brother is too naive to think his son is hanging around to take advantage of the little money my brother received. We did not receive a lot. It was an old house that needed repairs. My older brother made no effort to work to earn money and save for his future. He could have bought out my other brother and myself for very little.
He wanted me to move in with him and sell my place, but when I figured out the costs compared to what I am paying now, I would not have saved any money moving in with him. I would have been the one paying for any repairs, cable, wifi, a/c, etc.. Again, he would have been the one to reap the benefits of me moving in with him. Sad situation.
The arrival of Covid has done the same thing to everyone. Our lives as we knew them are gone and we have to adjust, and it takes a lot of effort.
This is the time for you to adjust. Your brothers have their lives, and you need to make one for yourself. In the era of Covid, it's going to be tough to do, but I suggest you try checking out various classes, online meet-ups (not necessarily dates), and other ways to meet people. Try to find a group that likes to do something you like -- hiking, painting, reading.
Your brothers will always still be your family, but your family has changed now, and you may have to broaden your social circle outside your traditional family. Unfortunately, we can't go back to how things were before Covid or before we lost our loved ones, so instead of looking back, we have to look ahead.
Good luck to you.
I don’t wish to share the details right now but trust me when I say you are not alone.
Many families go through this. I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It hurts.
I will only add one more thing, you cannot change or control how they feel about anything. You can only control your feelings on issues.
friends to lean on if needed. It scares me. I don't have any desire to do much anymore. I pretty much sleep half the day and watch tv the rest of the day.
I eat in between. I have no motivation to do anything. I do take some anti depressants but they are not really helping this situation. I need a life, I need
others in my life that are just as eager to see me or talk to me as I am them.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just sick of this. I am soooo tired too, tired
of doing nothing.
I am so sorry that you are struggling.
Do you think you need to discuss the meds with your doctor to tell him/her they aren’t working as well as you’d like them too?
Covid has made our lives more complicated and difficult. Everyone wants things to get back to normal.
I hope things will improve for you as soon as possible. Take care.
Even stranger is the situation in my husband's family. This extended family always bragged about how close they were. My MIL constantly talked about the close family. They seemed to only gather at funerals. When MIL died, only a couple of them showed up, which I understand due to Covid, but some of these cousins claiming to be so close never even sent a sympathy card, called or emailed my husband! MIL would be livid! This after we always were there for them when their parents died. I just don't understand this. I look at it this way....it is THEIR loss to cut off from us!!
After talking to other people I would say for some families falling out seems to be part of the grieving process. It is easy to take offence and easy to blame others for the way we feel. If you throw in any mental health issues it all gets worse.
I hope you manage to get a reconciliation. It is not your fault. Hang onto that and good luck!
If you are not retired or on disability those psych meds will not replace the necessity of getting a job yourself. So if you have no income or living off of unemployment--which is not permanent--I would stop worrying about my brothers and make getting a job top priority. Do this before unemployment runs out and pray your car does not break down.
I took care of my mom for 15 years and she died with the worst kind of Alzheimer's to the point she did not respond to the environment, but kept very comfortable and secure with a feeding tube, good care, and she died of other natural causes. But she was full-time 24/7 care even to the point I had to manage her bowels (I had to induce bowel movements three times a week or she could get impacted through lactulose and enemas). She died with perfect skin, and very peacefully that even hospice was surprised they never had to open the emergency package at age 90. She had multiple health problems--insulin dependent diabetes, kidney disease from diabetes, metabolic syndrome..etc etc. but managed very well.
I had to re-establish my life, working, re-entered university just to focus on myself instead of centering my life around mom, and still recovering from mom's loss and it has been nearly a year ago. It's been horrible since for years and years and years the center of my life was mom -- the moment I woke up to the point I went to bed it was mom's care.
I can do things now I could never do before like go out of town to the mall with my best friend. Yeah I have to work but hey it's back to the pulse of life. You know? You gotta fight for that.
Worry about yourself.
Your brother is an adult he has to worry about himself.
YOU take care of YOU.
BE YOUR OWN CAREGIVER
It would be good to get some counselling advice. You can't deal with these problems on your own. I understand that you are discouraged. Who wouldn't be? However, there is a way ahead. There is a card company here in England (www.izzyandpop.com) that has an appropriate card for you: "Hey there fighter, things will get brighter." I think that given the challenges of Covid-19 I could send that card to anyone I know! At times you may not feel like a fighter, but you did ask for help on this website . .. and unlike many people who ask for help here you have already responded to some suggestions.
My experience with some of my close relatives is that they are best left to be . . . with minimal contact from me (an occasional letter or phone call on their birthdays). If they have settled into a selfish pattern of behavior, it will be very difficult to encourage change. If their selfishness is impacting your life, then you do have to tackle it, but otherwise, I don't think you can do much about it.
Be encouraged. Some people do care.
it was so stressful being the co-trustee and trying to sell house during Covid and dealing with the loss of my mom. And to top it off these two sisters hardly ever visited my mom at her nursing home after my mom had a stroke and severe case of dementia.
its so sad how there are so many selfish, greedy people in this world. I cannot believe these are my sisters. They both treated my so bad, humiliated me in front of other family members, cussed me out, etc.
the house is sold and everyone got their share. Thanks to me a lot more then anyone anticipated. I know in my heart my mom would be proud of me. I Just figured it’s their loss - I don’t need toxic people in my life. I cannot believe I’m related to them. I just miss my mom so much
certainly have been deeply disappointed, as this hasn’t happened. We help out with the MIL and avoid the sisters at all costs.
All I can tell you is that there are so many single moms out there who would love your emotional and physical support . There are teen girls who need mentors and elderly who would love to have a “daughter of the heart.” As adults, we learn that blood family often abandons us and things don’t turn out the way we assumed they would. We can however, reach out to those not related by blood and create an imperfect and enriching “family” of our choosing.
Best wishes to you.
Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is very common. Once the matriarch of the family passes, things kind of fall apart. It is very sad and I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. I think you might have to be the one to initiate conversations and get togethers if you want to see them.
Take care.
other anymore or makes any plans to see each other. My mom is distant too.
I live with my 17 year old son and we are close but not with extended family.
I notice that here in America, families are different. People all go their separate way, especially when money is involved and when they have their own family
with wife and kids.
Advice for you: meet someone nice, go online to date, make new friends even
if it seems challenging because in the end, it is really the connections you make
(outside of your brothers) that matters. You can find happiness and not be lonely by meeting new people. You would be surprised where you can also offer your services, whatever they may be, to people who need you!
I am 50 years old now and one of the hardest things for me was to let go
of my family because I needed to grow and to understand that I was not going to have support from them. I have a very narcissistic family and everyone is so selfish and just into their own happiness. But every rope must be cut.
But you know what, he DID take good care of my aunt. I would be lying if i didn't say it still doesn't bother me. But I have good memories of my time with her and the most important thing is she was well taken care of. I don't have much to do with him anymore, not because i don't love him but i just don't like the way he is.
My brother is similar to yours and my sister will call so much I have to put her on silence and she lives in another state lol
Im more an introvert and we barely notice the pandemic, for others I can only imagine.
There are a lot of places and people you can interact via the internet, your family of origin is just your baseline. Some folks have none and have to work harder others have that illusion of family and feel like they have to reach out.
Manage your expectations, men are generally not as emotionally connected as us women especially if they already have a wife that’s taken their focus.
Since the pandemic, I adopted a baby parrotlet, completed major yard work and joined various Facebook groups to work on different topics I never got around to :)
A lot of these groups have zoom meetings, after the pandemic everyone can meet in person if you like that to do that sort of thing
perhaps your younger, distant brother, perhaps?) and you have no friends and no significant others outside your family. Your brother probably expected to keep the house because he has been “taking care” of your parents and exploiting them at the same time. Then he tried to exploit you in the same manner. Perhaps it you who is naive. His closeness to you sounds more like a desire to keep you in check and on a string. Now that both your parents are gone and you wouldn’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of by moving in with him, he has no further need of you. It sounds like the other brother has wanted to keep you and your brother at arms length all along.
The best advice anyone can give you is to try to discover who YOU are by immediately obtaining gainful employment and joining some groups that may help you make some friends and feel less lonely. If you can’t bring yourself to work, volunteer to help others and stop relying on your siblings to make your life whole. It is quite obvious that they are not interested and your perception of being close in the past may not be real. In our family, there were other types of dysfunction, but we never kidded ourselves by believing we were close. With our parents gone and no longer feeding the competitiveness that characterized all of our relationships from the day we were born, we find we are closer, more forgiving and far less competitive. Every family has these kinds of unique characteristics that must be addressed after our parents die.
I am going to be a little vague about some details. I don't want my extended family to read this and identify myself too much. We had an immediate family member die 20 yrs ago, who was not married and died when he was 70, with no one left other than me and my siblings.
Our relative owned a vacation home and he left it to me and my siblings. My brother and I began working on the vacation home doing things like cutting grass and painting from the time we were big enough to push a lawnmower, and trim bushes, and rake leaves as the seasons changed at our cottage. We would typically use it between May-late September or early October. Myself, and two other siblings shared ownership, only two of us financially paid up on insurance, taxes, and maintenance after our relative died. Unbeknown to me my siblings had set up the property and put it in a Trust with them as Trustees before our relative died.
After several years of my DW and I paying half of the bills on the cottage one of my siblings decided they were going to buy everyone out exercising a provision that they could buyout the others without any notice. The price they paid was minimal as the cottage was old. The taxes on the cottage were double what I paid on our four bedroom house with three baths and a two car garage.
The sibling buying us out decided everyone would share equally out of the price paid to buy us out. Their were four other siblings to share the proceeds with, but my DW and I were paying half of all of the expenses and none of the others paid a dime. I asked to be repaid what we had paid in maintenance and taxes. The lawyer said no, unless I sued my sibling for expenses I would not be reimbursed but my legal expenses would take up any additional money I could get. I walked away from them all 15 yrs ago, and I've never spoken with them since.
I've chosen to just get on with my life and live it with my DW. These types of things happen in families all over the world. My recommendation is to not get involved in financial matters unless you are willing to consider it as money lost that you know you'll never see again.
I am still bitter about what happened 15 yrs ago. Is that the right way to be, no but I am stubborn. I'll send up some prayers for you to overcome your grief and to be able to continue on without letting this consume you. You can't change anything about what happened it is in our history. I too never dreamed my siblings would treat me this way.
Good Luck.