Has anyone else's family dynamic fallen apart after your parent's death?

I am so sorry to hear this. It happens a lot unfortunately after the death of a parents. The demands of life are sooo high that sometimes siblings don't have room to even maintain their relationships. Our MIL is in late stage dementia and my husband and siblings are sooo apart now day that I feel they will be in the same situation. Its sad. I would advise to try to create new relationships with friends, maybe been open to create a family, dont know if you are open to go to chuch etc. Loneliness is not a good thing but it can sure help to discover your most inner needs.

I feel for you. All I can say is, leave the door open and things may eventually get better, as happened to me. It took many years, and the relative who was so cold to me had to have a health scare and counseling. It turned out to be worth it.

I am not yet in this situation but fear that I may be in the future when my parents pass away. I always felt that my parents were the glue that held us all together. I too am the one who always reaches out to my siblings and hopes to keep us close. Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open. You never know what the future will bring.

Yes, it happened to me. I am also single and no kids. My Father's passing was the catalyst of the family breakdown. Mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis a few years later and lack of care moved the breakdown to completion. Funny how everyone had time for Mom when she was "useful " and the siblings could have financial benefit from her. I also had a brother who lived at home... however in my case did not care for Mom.

What did I do ? First take care of my Mom. I now have her legal guardianship and fiduciary rep. I also care for her full time during the pandemic in my home as many out there are doing for their loved ones.

Second: Take care of my life. I ensure that I do take time for myself and recharge my batteries so I can effectively care for my Mom. I also decided to leg go of toxic family members who where wasting my time and energy with negative emotions. My advice: Make your own " family " . Chose your friends wisely and enjoy your life. While we are all quarantined, I am playing the piano, learning a new language enjoying my Mom and connecting with my friends. You are not alone. As a good friend once told me : the BEST investment is in yourself. I live by this everyday. God bless you.

I lost my family the moment our parents required our care. They proactively attacked me without realizing I was happy to take on the responsibility without any help. So began the process of uncovering the scapegoat dynamic (also, single w/out kids) engrained in my family and many others. Now it's clear to me that I had idealized my family all my life and that they are today who they always were. Selfish & unloving. That's my story and I hope your story and everyone else's has a happy ending.

Thoughts:
The live in brother probably did contribute to the care of your parents and of the home while he lived there. Perhaps he thought that he would inherit the home when the parents died or at least be able to live in it as he had always. Like you, he lost your parents but he also lost his home. Your note does not indicate any discussion of his role other than asking him to move out in order to sell the home.

Families are often fragmented by financial issues. Research also indicates that there are often precussors to a "falling out." It sounds like your younger brother has built a life with his wife and maintains the infrequent but constant contact established before the death of your parents.

One can hope that your older brother and you can establish affable relations again, but that may be just a dream. The damage done by how the estate was dissolved is behind you. You cannot make a relationship by yourself. If there is no reciprocity there is no relationship.

I would continue to recognize significant events-the holidays, birthdays, etc. and not sever contact entirely. However, what is is probably what will be.

Once Covid passes, it would be wise to build a network of friendships. A lone man is usually always a welcomed guest to dinners. Good luck.

I also have been seeing my family break into smaller, separate units over the years. I had an older sister who lives 4 hours away and 2 Younger brothers who lived locally. They all married and had kids and grandkids while I remained single and childless.

Older sister and elder brother were always my parents favorites. Younger brother and I joke about this now. Especially since we are the ones who have been the most diligent about caring for our parents. I have made a point of always keeping my siblings informed of issues and decisions and asking their opinions.

When our father had strokes and became disabled my elder brother began to distance himself. Didn’t answer his phone, rarely replied to messages, seldom visited our parents. When Dad died he didn’t show up for two days, only after an aunt called and told him off. He didn’t participate in planning the funeral although he did come.

Mom declined and has moved from home to AL to SNC and now Memory Care. He never visited her after her first move.

Sadly this brother died a year later. Because he had distanced himself so much over the years it’s like he died years ago. His daughter seems on the same course. I seldom hear from her, we connect on Facebook and she replies if I reach out but she never contacts me, has never visited Mom although she lives a few miles from the facility.

Sister has visited a few times, called Mom once a month and me about the same. She is focused on her own children and grandchildren. We talk occasionally and always have a good time talking but I can sense her moving away.

Now with Covid it is becoming more important to keep in touch. It's so easy to just sit back and say "let them call me!" Some days it seems the only time anyone gets in touch is when they need something from me. So I keep in touch with those I value and try not to brood on the others. I signed up to volunteer with the Red Cross and am looking for other things I can do to help the world.

Perhaps the relationships weren't really what you thought they were? Sometimes we might fabricate a relationship the way we want it to be, more than it really is. When you say "My family was always very close. I have two brothers. We always got together with Mom and Dad and each other.", is it possible that you read more into this than was really there? Or is it just the others moving on with life, during the parents' decline and after their deaths? Were your parents the glue that held it all together?

I also have 2 brothers. My parents often had multi-family parties (they had a pool too), but also gatherings for us 3 & our families. We all got along and things seemed to be fine - maybe never Ozzie & Harriet or Leave it to Beaver fine, but fine. OB has lived away mostly since college - 1 to 3+ days drive, depending on what jobs he managed to find. YB is 10 years younger than me, so by the time he had kids, they were more like grandkids to me! We still managed "special" occasions, but as time went on, it seemed that I would be the one who was trying to bring everyone together. You hint at this later in your post: "I'm always the one to reach out."

Sometimes that becomes way more effort than it is worth! When you have to attempt contact over and over just to get a yes or no, and it takes days, weeks, or more to get an answer, it becomes stressful! This continued after mom's move to MC, even though it's closer than her condo was for YB. Like mating/birthing elephants to get a response!

I was the one who interfaced with mom the most, esp after we had to take her car away. Grocery shopping, supplies, appts, etc. Trying to coordinate the others or engage them in decisions was like a full-time job. OB was at this point 2 days away. YB left his family. I got laid off and decided to just hang it up and retire. So, I ended up providing the most help and support for mom, identifying the dementia, finding how we deal with it, hiring aides to try to keep her in her condo, finding a MC place, making sure all documents were updated, taking over finances, etc. Once we moved her, the next 1.75+ YEARS were tied up making long trips to clear, clean and get repairs done on the condo so we could sell it. YB hooked up with GF and often wouldn't respond to calls or text. OB came up a few times to help, but 3-4 weeks vs almost 2 years for me doesn't cut it. Meanwhile, I'm still doing her finances, arranging and taking her to appts, bringing supplies MC doesn't provide, etc. Some retirement. When I told OB b4 condo was done that it was too much, he just bellowed at me to "GIVE IT UP!" No plan. No alternatives. During that same time I discovered the abusive OB I had growing up had NOT outgrown his abusive nature. Needless to say, I'm done with him. No contact in over 2 years, until mom had a stroke. 97 and still going. I sent email to let him know - figured it was the right thing to do. 15 hrs later, reply consisted only of "Thanks for update" That's it. Pfffft!

Anyway, OB's last "visit" with mom was a joke and he refused to return, not knowing what to do with her. YB stopped visiting except I needed him to take over Mac Deg appts (won't stand/walk, can't support her weight.) Now, post stroke, I've canceled future treatments, so most likely she won't see him either. SAD!!!

I wouldn't go so far as to call us a lovey-dovey doting family, but it's sad to have these 2, esp OB, more or less abandon mom. Anyway, once she passes on, I plan to consider myself an only child. Move on. Find people with similar interests, make new friends, enjoy life instead of pining for what may never happen. More time for me, my kitties, my kids, my grandson... I won't waste my time trying to rekindle those "relationships" - there are things I'd like to be doing that are on hold and many are far more productive and will have good tangible results!!!

Since you want to keep/fix the relationships, do make contact and give it some time, but if it isn't happening, move on.

I know what you are feeling. I too lost my relationship with my brother and sister over an argument. Mom had in house 24/7 care. They were really great, qualified people. They wanted to move Mom into a home just so they could get the house. Well I prevented that, causing them to hate me. She wasn't ready for a home. Some years lated we did have to move her to a home where she stayed until she was 103. God Bless her. I made a decision at that point that it was worth loosing my siblings to protect my mother. After all she was my mother. Haven't spoken to eather of them for over 2 years. I'm at peace with it.
If you are a person of faith turn to it and I hope you find peace.