Has anyone just lost the "lust for life"?

I understand exactly how you feel. It’s tough to watch old people suffer and not wonder what the future holds.

Hi Tynagh,

I feel the same as you. I have no husband, no kids, no family except my brother who is a triple stroke survivor and totally immobile. I have spent the last best years of my life helping care for him.
Now, I am sick. Been in bed 21/7 for 4 years. I'm only 57.
My brother is temporarily in a nursing home after a bad bout of pneumonia.
I have dreams and goals and those keep me going.
Take care of your health. I never expected to end up like this. It happened overnight and Drs have run a few tests but blow it off as psychiatric. It's not.
Make some goals for after your mom passes. Look at 55+ communities that have activities and are not too expensive. Your life is not over. There is still good times ahead. Decide where you want to go, start researching, and if you decide to stay where you are, find classes, hobbies, activities that interest you. Where you can meet new people and make friends.
Don't give up. This is a temporary "speedbump". You will be grateful you got to spend time with your mom after she is gone. Now it seems like a "Highway to Hell" but it's just a really big speedbump.
I wish you the best.

Thanks for your post, Tynagh -- I'm feeling less alone because of it.
Like you, I am childfree (by choice), no SO, and a brother who hasn't spoken to me in five years. My mom has dementia, never saved a dime, and re-fied her home mortgage 3 times, pulling out a total of $130K for a home that sold for $180K (with a mortgage balance due of $30K). I am angry at her for being financially irresponsible, fearful that I'll have to use my savings for her care, and feel so hopeless. Some days, it is so hard ... and some nights, I lay in bed and cry about the future I dread.

The one thing that keeps me sane is time spent with friends who understand my struggles and help me laugh in spite of it all. Carve out time to spend with them!!! Sometimes I feel guilty for not including my mom in a fun activity with my girlfriends -- but I know the break is an investment in maintaining my mental health. Take those breakw for yourself, and spend some quality time with those who know you and love you and can help you stay sane.

I will keep you in my thoughts, and send my empathy to you.

I hardly know what to say... I moved in with my mom 4 years ago this month. She recently turned 98. While she is in relatively good health except major arthritis, she does have the 90+ short term memory problem (which can make you crazy). I quit my part time job 2 years ago, because her schedule was too erratic for me. My brother and sister living in town, constantly remind me well they have to work...hello I quit work because of mom and there were lots of promises when I moved in. Now I have to schedule with them way in advance to get time off. My sister in Florida does not help at all, other than calling my mom. It is a job that has me so stressed, it makes me sad. I don't want her to die but I have no life. She frequently comments that when she was my age she was going on cruises....yep that makes me feel good.

Hang in there and I agree....find something for yourself.

I am 65 and Mom is 94. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes, I wish I would be the one to die because I have no real life of my own. It seems my self-worth is tied only to how well she is doing. She is healthy for her age and her family had many members who lived beyond 100 years old. So, I know how my life will be next year, and the next year, and so on.
During the pandemic lockdown, I got very involved in upgrading and decorating my home and yard as a do-it-yourself homemaker. My home is finally becoming more of what I dream of. I walk to try to stay healthy myself, but I've gained a lot of weight. Not looking for a mate and can't put Mom on a diet, so I've come to accept how fat I've become. I check out travel and cruise packages, dream of going to Europe one day. By the time I am able to travel, the pandemic should be under control and safe. So, these are my dreams, a nice home and far-away vacation.
I have learned that passion is for the young, mostly because I don't have the strength or the ability to be passionate any longer. But, I have also learned that with age comes some wisdom, some contentment, and some time to do the little things I ignored for years. These are the little things I have learned to pursue, and I find myself more peaceful than I have ever been before. I guess I have finally come to accept that this is my life and it's okay. It's a life well lived.
I hope this helps you, at least to know there are others that understand how you feel. You are a good person. You are a good daughter. Always know that you have blessed the life of someone else.

You sound understandably tired and depressed. Concentrate for now on doing the best job you can of taking care of your mother. Look for small joys in your day if there are any. Maybe your mom really liked the jelly sandwich your made her for dessert. Maybe while she is napping, you could take a break with a book or a TV show. Think of small things you might add to the chores like a flower on her lunch tray or some nice smelling dusting powder or baby powder after a shower or sponge bath. (I did not see if your mother is bedridden.).
Your mother is your job right now and doing a job well, even with a little flourish, can be a big boost to your mood and your sense of competence.
If the next 20 or 30 years bring you issues of your own, deal with one problem at a time as it comes along. Look for the most creative solution you can manage for that particular problem. You are learning lots of strategies by caring for your mother.

I have felt that way for perhaps most of my adult life. I was always looking back with regrets and forward to "if onlys" and "what ifs". I am a Christian, and I always felt like I should have more joy in my life, although like many people I confused joy with happiness. Happiness is elusive, but joy is permanent, or should be for a Christian.

Sometimes I wished I would just die, only not in a slow, painful way, of course. Don't we all hope for that? Recently, however, I had a medical scare that is still not resolved. Perhaps God used that to smack me up the side of the head for being constantly disgruntled and always wanting something I thought would be better than what I had, but I started to try to look at my life, and life generally, in a different way. It may sound trite, but I try to count my blessings every day. I try to be thankful for what I have rather than what I don't have. First think in the morning I look outside at the sun, the sky, the trees, etc. and drink it all in. I thank God for every minute that I feel pretty good and that my family is well.

I am not denying your feelings, and you are going through a tough time. I will pray for you that God will restore your hope. Please reach out and find people to talk to, go to church if you are so inclined, because you need support and social activity.

I actually had this occur very early in my life, now 72 yrs old….
at a friend’s wedding while in my early 30’s, I was talking to the Parrish priest who had officiated and ‘confessed’ to him that I felt ‘lost’, empty, not as motivated as I used to be. He told me this short story: a rancher man in the old West felt like life had passed him by. He had done it all, achieved much and wanted for nothing. He visited his friend, the Sheriff and told him how this felt.
The Sheriff advised him to go to the nearby county where cattle rustling was punishable by hangin’….and STEAL a cow! “You will get back your lust for life soon enough.”
Sure, perhaps it’s not as ez now, with all the modern conveniences, etc, to continue to be fulfilled each day, set goals and achieve them is the key to feeling like you “deserve” each day. But, you do deserve to relax and enjoy just
”being” too. Don’t advise stealing any bovine, but, setting daily goals and striving again for personal growth, no matter how small, is a good trick to getting back on the horse of life! Think of yourself first each day…you’ll be better for it and serve others at your daily goal settings only. Control is yours.

I know you have the same feelings I do that your life is wasting away as a caregiver but you feel obligated and can't/won't ask for help. My wife has early AD and is pretty much physically disabled so I help her do everything. We have never been as close as most couples are but responsibility has kept me going! I am 81, she 83, and I have to wonder what if??? Where does my responsibility end, if ever? I have a pretty strong constitution and can handle it but a weaker person might easily become depressed living such a depressing life with no end in sight! As someone mentioned, sharing your feelings helps a lot and I have 2 long time classmates who commiserate with me and it helps.

Just wait until she dies. When my mom died I was left on my own and two years later I'm still struggling except at age 61 I get tired easier and carrying on with my own life is exceptionally difficult. Now I did manage to forge my own life, but it has been HARD! I don't know your financial situation but you will be left totally alone and the bills will keep on coming. You need to try to forge your own life, but the older you get, the more difficult it will be. You will have to battle things like age discrimination. The sad truth is--unless you have plenty of money, the older you get the less people will want you. If this sounds grim--it is. I'm not going to sugar coat we live in a very youth-oriented society. I look in the mirror and I really realized mom ate up my life caring for her but she also could not help having 15 years of Alzheimer's disease with insulin-dependent diabetes and the last 6 years of her life--required 24/7 even though for decades she needed supervision due to her many chronic diseases she managed to live 90 years, 3 months, and died with excellent skin. I never moved away from my mom. I never left my mom until she died. And I'm having to live on my own without her.

But some people live to be 100 and at age 93 she has a good chance of living more years. I would give my soul to Satan if I could have my mom back. She was my entire universe and I lost her forever...so enjoy having your mom while she lasts because when people die it is for all eternity. Never to be seen again. BUT just look at this sentence and see how SELFISH it is. With mom's multiple chronic diseases that would be cruel because mom died very very peacefully and never suffered and if she came back she would have to die all over again--life is in reality an ORDEAL and she's beyond that that nothing can ever hurt her. We face possible WW3 -- it is the living that represents suffering.

Right now you need to plan on her dying, get pre-arranged funeral/cremation, and estate planning so see an eldercare attorney. Trust me you will go through pure hell with a quagmire of paperwork and legal garbage -- DEATH IS EXPENSIVE and is pure business. If you depend on you mom financially you really will have a hard time because you have to get your ducks in a row and FIND A JOB FAST. At age 65...good luck with that.

MAKE SURE WHEN SHE DIES NOTHING GOES TO PROBATE.

While I suffer many fears in life..hey you only have one life to live...so live it -- but when she does die, for the first time in my life I also have a chance to live. I also realize I got so used to being tied to my mom I could not cope outside of that and for the first time that cage has been opened. So it is my first breath of life on my own.

Don't give up hope. I got married, have a job, and inching toward my Master's degree. So yeah...you will be okay!

Get connected with a social worker and caregiving groups in your area so that you know all of your mother's options. You need to get help if possible. This is not something you can do completely on your own. Ask the social worker if your area provides caregivers who can take over so that you can have breaks, and even a vacation. Talk to your mother about her wishes, if she's ready to think about this. She actually may prefer being in a senior residence where she'll have more people around her.

I love it! “The Highway to Hell!” I’ve been caring for Mom for 10 yrs. She’s in hospice for over 2 yrs. They are truly wonderful. But they’re not here 24/7. Mom has a few months left at the most. I can accept this. No more suffering. But to top it all off, my daughter just went to rehab for alcoholism and I am also caring for my teenage grandson and their dog! Running her household as if it is my own and then trying to run my own household too! I’ve hired help to clean my mother’s house and care for my mother’s yard etc. I will be doing this for the next 27 days - until my daughter gets out. I’m proud she did this. Don’t get me wrong. But I’ve been a one man band for so long, I don’t know a life without having to help others. I am just moving along so everything doesn’t come crashing down.

So yes. I do understand the lack of lust for life. I’m the only sibling left out of 3 and I also cared for them too towards the end. Dad too, even though he was in a NH for the last few months of his life.

I pray constantly to make it through another day and still be healthy. (But I have non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma - stage 3 b). I am still treating for this after over 4 yrs. Crazy life.

Oh my dear, firstly, you are doing a great job! Remember that!

I am so sorry for your feelings of despair, I remember them all too well. I was caregiver for five years to my dear Mother who passed with dementia and Parkinson’s.

I had always been a working girl and then all the sudden my job is to stay home and take care of this dear woman. I did go into a depression. I wasn’t prepared for it, no one talks about it, we have no training or education in this area. It’s no wonder we struggle.

My dear mother has passed and I can only tell you looking back that it was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life, but I did it and I can say I am proud that I did it! I do have a sibling, but for some reason he went MIA the last five years of my mom‘s life.

This forum was a great source of stress release as I recall several times I would get on here and say “I just can’t do it anymore” and I would get responses, care from these wonderful people that were going through the same thing, and then I’d go onto the next day.

You can do this, you will do this. Try to take time for yourself even it’s a five minute daily walk. And come to this forum to vent, again I can promise you in the end, you will be so proud of the love, care, concern that you put forth into the care of your dear mother.

Big hugs and faith extended to you.❤️🌸

Caregiving can be exhausting. Please ask for volunteer help from family, friends, members of your faith community... to help lighten your load. For paid help options, research home health agencies, adult day programs, and even residential facilities. Some of them may accept clients on Medicare or Medicaid.

You are not alone, as you can tell from all the responses.

I am right there with you, caring at home for my 68yo husband (dementia, heart failure) and having concerns long-distance for my 90yo dad.

I can't be there for my dad because of my husband and I'm not sure who is going to outlive who.

I keep reminding myself that there is a future for me and there are things I always wanted to do that I hope I'm not too old to do when I finally have the opportunity. I guess that is what keeps me going, reminding myself that I still have a future to live.

Wow I could have written your forum post! I am going through something similar. How am I coping? I take one day at a time. I make a list of daily goals. and long term goals. I thought that I needed counseling to cope with my grief and depression, but the psychologists are all booked, so I am treating myself. If you want to learn more follow me on this forum.

I retired early to help care for my parents. As their needs increased, so did my despair, so I know how you feel. Take steps now to make your life easier later. First, get all the legal work done by a qualified elder law attorney who can help set her up for Community Medicaid - a legal way to protect her assets and get long term care at home. Your Mom should have her Health Care Proxy, Will, and durable POA in place. Doing this now will save you anxiety & headaches later.
You don't say how her physical or mental health is and I hope she is well and not suffering. Things happen when you least expect it. My Mom was almost 99 and in pretty great shape until she tripped and fell. A week later she passed. I'm telling you this to let you know you can't predict the future, so don't dwell on it.
In the meantime, try your best to stay in touch with friends and do any small thing that brings you pleasure. If you can get someone to help, even if it's just for a couple of hours one day a week - do it. Contact your local Senior Centers and see what they offer. Any relief you get will take a bit of the load off your shoulders. Stay on this website, we care! I wish you all the best in your journey.

Venting is good ‼️That’s pretty much all we can do when we’re on this train ride of life💜My husband has dementia & I too am sometimes in a dark mood. Please know others share your pain💜💚💜💚

I can understand. I’m an only child in a similar situation. The important thing is to not abandon yourself, your passions and your own life-identity. As only children it’s too easy to get enmeshed with our parents, it comes with the territory of having no other immediate family, so I get it. But please take my advice and always carve out time for you, even if it means waking up early, to do exercises or read a novel just for fun. Also, take time out for socials! Look up meetup in your area and find ways to meet new people, and don’t rule out romance, you may meet someone nice. Don’t allow age to get you down, it’s never too late to start over and set goals. If you can afford it, hire a nurse to stay with your mom for a few hours each week, just do you can do whatever you want. It seems that most of your life you’ve been giving and doing practical stuff, and all this seriousness can really take away a lust for life. That’s why I’m encouraging you to ditch the “shoulds” and give yourself this time to just be silly and hedonistic, you need and deserve it otherwise you will burn out. If it’s not possible to leave home then get creative with how you can entertain at home—arrange a part of your home so that one side is your “apartment” or cave and maybe organize your own meetup there. What are your hobbies? Do you have any dreams, goals or aspirations that you had to put on hold, because of caretaking? Can you revisit them? Be flexible. A dream may have to change its form, to suit your current situation, but let the passion ignite your fire. Play music! Create playlists on your smartphone or just go old school and play CDs and records (which are cool again). Get out your favourite clothes and just wear them around the house! Yes, that evening gown or cocktail dress counts. Just wear them on a Monday, to the grocery, the post office. Make everyone, including yourself, believe that you’re going somewhere! And you are. Fashion, along with makeup abs hairstyling, can literally wake up your soul and get you going. Eat your favorite food. Cook all your favorite dishes and get out your crystal silverware and celebrate life with mom. Don’t wait for a special occasion, the fact that you’re together is something to celebrate. Use the internet to get ideas. The public library, too, is a great place to create a book club, knitting club. The reference librarian can assist you with finding resources. I understand how easy it is to get isolated, especially during this time, but if you can use the time at home to talk more to neighbors and local businesses this will bring cheer to your day. After caretaking my mom and now my dad I had to learn how to bring my art sketchbooks and writing journals with me to the hospital. This daily habit of just sneaking in creative time lead to published stories and exhibitions. I encourage you to steal whatever time you can, for yourself. Julia Cameron’s excellent book “The Artist’s Way” can help you to re-discover your passions and dreams, with practical daily prompts and exercises. Also, use the power of the digital age to help you exercise. If you can’t commit to going to the gym or classes, you tube workouts are great.
good luck and please invest in yourself, you gave your whole life ahead of you and your parents will want you to enjoy it.

My heart aches for you, Tynagh. Many of us are facing this same feeling, but we will get through this "Highway to Hell", as you so aptly call it. Keep coming to this forum to vent and find emotional support. Sending prayers and hugs!

You are not alone in your thinking. Been there too after only a few months of caring for my 91 year old mother. I am 65 & not a spring chicken. Am looking forward to retirement but not planning to spend 24/7 taking care of my mother. Look for outside help - church, friends, community help. Start out with getting away an hour or so just for you
Believe me - it helps so much! I get away 1/2 day once a week. Hang in there....((HUGGZ))

Yes, you do deserve a life too. You need to plan a course of action. Look at finances of yours and your mom. She may need a agency care giver periodically so you can get a break. See what local resources are available to help you and your care plan with your mom. You are not alone.

All highways have exits and side of cramps before you reach your destination. Take this info as an opportunity to put your glasses on and look around for help. Since Angels camp out along hell's byways step up and call on them, volunteers s strangers and a host of former church goers to keep doing good by helping you chart a new highway where love, understanding, new life goals exist. Realize also that your story and experience with a 93 year old may be a life rope to another...and a way to guarantee your future at the same juncture!

I hear you loud and clear. I am in a very similar situation. As strange as this may sound my only escape is to pursue my sexual fantasies. Yes they are all in my mind as I can not get away long enough to make them real. Still it helps reduce the stress of my realities. No one gets hurt here.

There are some great replies her, and testimonies! For some reason I can’t reply to people’s responses today. Patti2021, sorry for your new situation and god bless.

I certainly felt that way. I had totally lost myself while caring for my husband with Alzheimer’s at home. When I finally realized that thinking “if I get Covid and die, I won’t have to do this anymore” was not a rational thought, I placed him in a residential home that cares for people with dementia.

At first the guilt was overwhelming. But I got thru that and six months later I am reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in years, have rediscovered my creative energy and am back in my quilting room. I even read a book! First one in at least 4 yrs.

its hard to give up the hands on caregiving. We feel we can handle it, that it’ll work ok if we just get more organized, do a better job of entertaining them, adjust our attitude, etc., etc., etc. Now a wonderful staff takes care of his day-to-day needs. I call every morning and take him out 2-3 times a week. He’s no worse off and I have rejoined the living and reclaimed the person I used to be.

Oh yes! I get what you feel. When my mom journey started 2 years ago I felt the “this will never end” and I would never return to my short lived retirement fun. My mom is 87. She has Lewy Body Dementia. She went to a Memory Care during the pandemic. Blind faith was required when I dropped her off. She had a full mental collapse…and now she is well enough for an assisted living. That does not take me off the hook. I moved myself to the same retirement community..gave up my condo..sold it and rented an apartment near mom. I am her everything. She depends on me. She is a lady that requires a lot of attention to stay mentally stable. What has changed is I got counseling..I learned how to balance this new world. I learned it is NOT my job to make her happy. It is my job to find a safe place, good food, warm room, and allow her to find friends where she lives..Sounds easy? Nope..it was hard..I cried many days. I worried a lot. Instead of bringing her home I found this great place and I rode out her unhappiness about not living at home. I now schedule my visits…3 per week. She knows when she will see me. I encourage my sibling to visit, even briefly on days I am not there. Sundays are a full day with church and my apartment for a lunch and chat. Two other days are 2 hr visits. My sibling finds this tiresome and he leaves town a lot to stay at his gal pals home. I am now happy, busy and having a personal life again. I advise counseling. I did mine online via Zoom. My insurance paid for it! Good luck.

I don't usually make comments, but our circumstances are so similar. I'm an only child and went through the same thing. I was 67 when my mom died, just a few weeks before turning 90. I took care of her for 4 years and sometimes felt exactly as you describe. I would just shake myself and tell myself I was thinking selfishly, but I wondered if I had any life left. I leaned hard into Jesus and wept on his shoulder many times. He was near and I was so thankful!

Awe, I'm with you in spirit. My husband has just been diagnosed. We are just 61. My life feels as if it's over too. Knowing the dark tunnel ahead is too much to bear some days. Getting a counselor and going out with a friend on occasion will be a great emotional relief! I agree with much of the responses, take care of your self so you have the stamina and courage to forge ahead. We are all in this journey together. Prayer and reading God's word is a tremendous blessing and comfort to me.
Hugs from afar,
Patti

Tynagh,
I get this. I'm the only person in my mum's life. Her other children cut off contact with her (and me), and kept her grandchildren away as well. I am alone, never had a close extended family - which doesn't matter as they've all died. Friends moved on - death or desertion, or just too busy with their own stuff. Plus my own problems, many of them health/age-related. The bleakness of this often has me exhausted with no passion for anything. I take it day to day. The phrase "baby steps" is something of a mantra for me. Small tasks make me feel accomplished and give me momentum. Can you make lists of things that once sparked joy in you? I have lists of all the things that I liked, loved, bucket lists, etc. Some of it works out - the herb garden. Some of it is not going to happen in the near future i.e. surfing lessons. There are some great suggestions in the responses. A therapist, a lover, a trip you've always wanted to take, a day spa visit. . . . Be kind to yourself, treat yourself, indulge yourself. And then come back to the forum and share the details! xoxo