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Elaine,

That is a great idea. Many assisted living facilities are wonderful. If you aren’t satisfied with that one, keep looking. You will find one that is suitable.

I think it is best not to tell her. Keep it between you and your brother.
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Elaine - WOW you're doing so well putting up with this.......

On a much smaller scale, I've been there. Dad calls ambulance, then wants picking up from hospital. I too have found that hospitals/social will criticise and ASSUME they can come home with you. Nope no way.

Also, I've been the same, spoken to his GP, spoken to hospital about his "fake emeergency calls" etc. No-ones interested. Basically, he can do what he sees fit unless hes declared incompetent.

Someone mentioned reading side effects. WOW every time! He reads the leaflet 10 times then phones me, asks me if I should take, then he phones and bothers the doctor too. Convinced hes going to have the "coma" that 1 person in the world had ever taking this drug....

Im in the UK. No charge for ambulances, hospitals, doctors or anything. I sometimes wish there was. Dad is the cheapest, tightest person you could ever meet. If it cost £10 to call an ambulance he'd rather drop dead. Sometimes I wish there was a charge so he wouldnt do it.

It sucks the life out of you, yeh, Elaine....
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Paul, thank you for your kindness and sharing. Yes, it is very hard. But I thank everyone on this aging care forum for all your help so I don’t feel alone.
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I have another update on my mother. I went over to my mothers house last Thursday for a brief visit. I told her I couldn’t stay. She was trying to get me to stay. I said I had to go to work and I left. My older son texted me at work at 8pm last Thursday to tell me that when he called her the EMTs were there. I don’t know if she went to the hospital or not because I stayed at work. I didn’t hear from her at all Friday and I went to work Friday night. Her family doctor woke me up at 9:30am on Saturday and said to me “did you know your mother was in the hospital yesterday?” I said no. She wanted her phone number to call her so I gave it to her. When I called my mother Saturday afternoon I said to her “Were you in the hospital Friday?” She said yes. She went on Thursday night and was in the hospital all day Friday and then was sent home by cab at 3:00am. I knew nothing about it. Her doctor was mad because she is not suppose to call the EMTs anymore. She is suppose to call her doctor. Needless to say I am feeling guilty for not staying with my mother on Thursday. I just feel like shit all the way around. I am contacting a therapist on Monday that deals with Adult Children of Hoarders. I know I need help. She can’t be helped. But I know I need help. I have to reach out to a therapist on Monday. We also have EAP at work and have 6 free visits. I will check into that also because I feel like shit.
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Wow! The hospital sent an elderly home by herself by cab at 3 AM. OMG! They couldn't wait till morning? Or maybe it was her idea to go home at that time?

elaine - your mother's needs are beyond your ability to help. She's beyond (your) help, so you should not feel guilty for not being able to fix what you can't fix. You can only help her if and when she wants to help herself. Until then, you can't. It is sad and difficult to watch, but it's not your fault.
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Thank you polar bear for your support!! It means a lot to me!! My husband had answered the phone when my mothers doctor called Saturday morning at 9:30am. He told her how we called APS and they said nothing can be done. The doctor told my husband and said “oh she’s going!!! She’s going into a facility!!” She asked me what her home phone number was so I gave it to her. My Mother never answered the phone. I called her Saturday afternoon and she said someone called in the morning and she didn’t answer the phone. I’m just out of sorts today because I work the overnight shift and never went to bed till 7am and then got woken up at 9:30am to talk to her doctor. Then I can’t fall back to sleep. It’s a viscous cycle. Thank you for your support and listening.
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That is all u can do live. Be kind to yourself♥️🙏🏾💪🏾
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Thank you Savage.
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Elaine, NO GUILT!!!!!!!!

YOUR MOTHER (the competent one, remember) promised her doc NOT to call 911, but to call the doc.

If your mother can't follow this instruction, it may be clearer to the folks at APS that she is no longer "fine" at home.

Doc is a smart cookie!

Back off. The only way mom is going to get the care she needs is if YOU stay away.
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Elaine,

I am so sorry. Do go see a therapist as you plan. It definitely helps. I go. A therapist can help us see what we need to see through objective eyes.

I know you feel like crap. None of this is your fault. You know that. You have done everything humanly possible to help your mom. Hang tight.

Sending you a bazillion hugs 💗.
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Thank you Needhelpwithmom and Barbbrooklyn!! It means a lot to have your support!! I value both of your opinions. I know you are both right.
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Just reading the updates here Elaine..............'nice' how your mother is 'not supposed' to call 911 anymore, and should know that, since she's so very Competent. Wonder what's going to happen when she KEEPS calling 911 over & over & over again every week and going back & forth to the hospital for no good reason? Wonder if they will still consider her so very Competent after this behavior goes on for, oh, let's say another 3 months and another 12-16 visits to the ER? Great idea about getting someone to talk through all of this with you. It's all just too much.
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Elaine, one more thing. You need to consider your sleep sacred.

When you are asleep, your husband must tell anyone who calls that he will be handling all questions and requests as you are doing shift work and are sleeping.

There is no reason that the doc's questions couldn't have been answered by him.

Start putting YOUR health in first place.
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Thank you lealonnie!! Thank you for your support. I value your opinion!! Thank you!!!
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Barbbrooklyn, yes, I chewed out my husband yesterday. I said don’t wake me up before 1pm. It can wait!!! He said she wanted your mothers phone number and he said he couldn’t remember it. When was the last time I called your mother?? He said a long time ago. I said that’s no excuse!!!!!! Don’t wake me up!!!! He promised me he wouldn’t. I reminded him of when he worked the overnight shift and he would take 2 naps before going to work!!!! He would sleep 4 hours in the morning and then another 4 hours after dinner!! He promised he wouldn’t wake me up again. Yeah, I was upset when he woke me up.
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Ok, I have one more question on this that I was hoping you all could help me with. The walls are closing in on my mother. She’s not taking anyone’s phone calls and she called my house and told my son to tell me not to stop over today. So I didn’t. But she isn’t taking anyone’s phone calls. I told her my cousin was trying to call her and she won’t pick up the phone. If they finally after all this deem her incompetent, should I be her legal guardian or have the state step in and be her legal guardian? She isn’t going anywhere unless she is deemed incompetent or court ordered. Just wanted your thoughts on guardianship if it comes down to it with my mother.
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It really would come down to what you can handle and/or how you feel about having no say in where she lives and what becomes of any of her property. Being a guardian means a lot of responsibility. Not being guardian means the courts/guardian will take over ownership of everything - her income and all her assets/property.

I haven't done guardianship, but it can get expensive plus there are many hoops and hurdles to navigate after being appointed (reporting to the courts, etc.) So far I only have to report at year end to SS (fed pension can ask, but so far they have not), and wouldn't you know, they sent a letter questioning what I reported her pittance was used for! All SS and All the pension funds go to the cost of the facility, and these total less than half the cost)! Oh my, most people have other needs, vacations, shopping... Sure they do, but this is a 96 yo woman with dementia, almost no hearing, macular degeneration, she no longer walks on her own and has very few "needs" beyond what the facility covers! It's not like she's going to be going to Hawaii or Taiwan! That little SS wouldn't even cover rental for an appt!!!

Anyway, do take care of yourself, write your mom's number down for hubby, and wait for the "powers that be" to make the decision... Not much else you can do at this point.
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Thank you disgustedtoo, I really don’t know how anybody can be legal guardian over my mother. She has her mind. It is so sharp. She said to me today isn’t it Jackie’s birthday today? Jackie is my niece through marriage. I never told her all year long it was Jackie’s birthday. Well it’s something for me to think about but hopefully I won’t have to make the decision on guardianship.
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