I'm worn out and feel a meltdown coming soon!

Hi Everyone. I'm sorry I haven't been here for a while. I had to make an emergency exit from my mom & stepdad's house in mid November. I went to stay with my step-sister, When my s-sister got a boyfriend, I was no longer welcomed there and she got very...unkind to me and she started to smack my puppy when he tried to play with her cat. Her boyfriend just got out of prison and another guy who she's been a girlfriend too, is getting out of prison in a couple of months and says he's coming after her and her new boyfriend... It became a pure h*llish mess! I ended up sitting in my car for hours upon hours at a time in freezing weather, just to give her time alone with her new boyfriend. Now that I left there, she seems to have hatred toward me and has threatened to hurt my puppy (which I won't allow), and I'm now back at my mom and s-dad's house, being the full time caretaker (although when it was mentioned to my mom that they need help and that I was helping them out full time and needed help myself, my mom got irate and told me that "I don't do anything for them and that they don't need me at all." It all hurts so bad. My own pain problems are so bad that I can barely move....but I have to. I'm at a loss and am so depressed. I'd love to hear from my dear friends I met here. I need you all!!!
Lots of Love,
Kathy K.

Willow, Please take care of yourself FIRST. You seem to be bouncing from one person's rotten life to another and not living yours in any way. Caregiving for someone else is something that should only be done if It is worth something (anything except self-detruction) to the caregiver. If these people are just going to keep treating you like trash, PLEASE find the strength to stand up for and by yourself. I know that's alot easier said than done, but i also know that you CAN do it.

It sounds like you are in a misery like mine and feel trapped...It would be best to go, but we can't or won't or are unable to. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and care for your pup! You do not deserve to be treated like crap all your life. Neither do I...Do what ever you need to!

Willow, First, move to a warm climate and get the heck out of there. You could start over. Get back to your profession and take care of yourself. Is there any reason you should not think of yourself at this time? Do you have a sign on your back that says, "Kick Me"? You need new friends, a new environment, total renewal. WE HERE are encouraging you to make this your goal for the new year. What have you got to lose? I am praying for you. It will be difficult, but it will be for your good. Pay attention to how you are lead:))) Hugs

yes, Willow, It's like your giving all the help and support to folks who don't need or want it when you should be giving it to yourself right now. at least we know that YOU are worth it.
I know it's hard, scary to think about and lonely, but at least start making a plan for yourself.
When you are strong again, and your self-esteem can withstand the attacks you know you are going to get, then you can make the decision about caring for them no matter what they say. But I believe right know you need a much deserved break to remember why you want to do it, and to build yourself up enough to be able to win, When My mom started giving me the same kind of resisitance, I began to wonder if I should be doing this at all, with the help from this site, I realized that I was doing this because I wanted to FOR MYSELF. It is the right thing for me to do, and I'm gonna win this one. I tell myself myself that time is on MY side, one day it will be over, and I will be able to be proud of myself and strong, despite ANYONE ELSE'S opinions.
But please remember that this whole thing from start to finish is YOUR life, You can take control of it, and it's your's to live as you thing is right.

WILLOW:

Forgive me for being so blunt, but the emotional support from this forum has always been there. We got you baby! We got you.

There is, however, one very tough decision you alone have to make: either reclaim your life -- including the occasional carefree day -- or continue to unravel along with your parents. ... Or you can shoot for sainthood by setting your sights on the next life because despite all the knowledge and wisdom accumulated over the years you've chosen to suffer in relative silence.

It all starts and ends with you, and I honestly don't understand why you've opted to give in and give up. Perhaps you believe putting yourself first for a change is wrong, but the bottom line is that if you don't figure out a way to care for yourself and be "selfish" you won't be of any use to anyone else.

Your parents, despite their frail state, are still running your life and making decisions for you. Take charge of your life, and start with getting that idea out of your head that you're all they have. No one exists in a vaccuum dear lady. Not even you.

-- ED

How about getting Family and Social Services involved? Sounds like some Elder Abuse may be going on here with some adult family members taking advantage of your mother. Personally not thinking boyfriend's just getting out of jail is "good" help for your mother. If they do not want your help, then leave and take care of yourself, some of your "pain" could be stress pain from all of the stress pain that you are dealing with. Your body is telling you to STOP the MADDNESS and GET OUT!!! RUN as fast as you can and as far as you can for a few days, weeks or as long as you can, if they do not want your help, then fine. Let them miss you. YOU have done ALL YOU can do, give them a chance to try to handle your loved one, they will miss you as well as your loved one will. YOU MUST take care of yourself. If you do not take care of yourself like everyone on here is telling you, then you have no one to blame but yourself. Contact your local Area on Aging for assistance in the very dysfunctional situation and sounds like possible Elder Abuse to me. That is just MY opinion.
Good Luck,
Blessings,
Bridget

Willow, Ed has always given caring, insightful and intelligent advice to me.
Perhaps your family history is getting in the way of you thinking all this through clearly right now, but know that we here don't have any other reason to say anything to you except that we care about YOU. Please start caring for yourself as much as (if not lots more than!) we do.

involving others (SS, or Agency on Aging, even just a local support group) is a great way to feel less alone and get some of the emotional, phsycological, financial, and practical support we ALL need to do this.

....and i thought my life was hard with just my mother living with my and husband and I. First of all - you must get outside help to help you care for them. if they can afford it, then get it. any break is a welcome break. my counselor tell me that is not selfish to think about my needs in this situation. and, it is normal to want yor privacy and your "time" back. but - if you can't have all that right now. Then be realistic. You will not be able to function the way you are going for my longer. So, i recommend help and even sitters. anything, to get give you a break and get you away from them for awhile.

Its up to you. You either get help or refuse it. and consider yourself lucky you don't have to work outside the home.
Be thankful and quit "feeling sorry for yourself".
I would try the " stay in bed" and see what mom and dad can do for themselves. Let them see you need help as do they. AS LONG as You continue to "DO IT ALL", they don't need any outside help. Same with kids; as long as we continue to pick up after them, why should they do anything knowing mom is going to do it for them. Good luck and enjoy your hot tea with lemon. Try a little brandy. Hope you get well soon.

If they are in such dire straits physically and medically YOU insist they have help in....Do you have the ability to write checks for them???? I know this is tough, I took care of my husband for months because he insisted he didn't want any one else around, and when I did hire people, he would make them miserable..! So, either get them help, get guardianship over them or something so that you will not kill yourself with this stressful situation! If their are no other siblings, guardianship, conservatorship ANYTHING to have you make the decisions for THEM instead of the other way around....Caregiving is tough, but you are in a heck of a mess.....Get help, attorney, doctors, elder care may be able to help you figure it out....We are out here for you!

Willow215... we're both complaining, we're both being honest. We express it as it is... My hugs to you. See I ask here for what's the remedy to actually shorten my mom's life. 19 years of caregiving on my part and all lost income, hopes, lives postponed, dreams put on hold... who won't honestly ask for the question I posted here. I am just being human and honest.

Hi All. Thanks for your comments, suggestions and guidance. I know my own life is a train wreck. The family I was brought into is the most dysfunctional I've known, and when I was able to work, as a nurse, before having to go on SSDI disability b/c of hurting my back bad lifting a heavy patient, I was witness to a LOT of dysfunctional families. As a nurse I thought I'd heard and seen it all. I was wrong. I was always telling others to "get outside help for your parents/grandparents/etc...", or "just tell them you're not able to take care of them!", etc... I'm an only child with 2 stepsisters from my stepfather. None of his children want to be bothered with him, and it's his own fault for treating them w/out respect and for just being down right mean to them. They no longer come around. The one stepsister, who recently took up with a man who just got out of prison, has stopped coming to see her dad and/or helping me with the caregiving tasks. She doesn't feel that it's her responsibility b/c she wasn't raised by her father, and my mom isn't her mom. Also, since I was in the way when I went to live with her b/c her ex-con boyfriend was back in her life, and I left, she's now very angry with me and makes life very difficult for anyone who gets in her way. I'd rather her not bring the ex-con into this house anyway, and also, she just wrote a "dear john" letter to another guy who is presently in prison and is getting out in a couple of months and has threatened to kill her and her latest ex-con boyfriend. BTW, she's still married and uses her husband for financial support for health insurance, money for herself for things that she wants, and recently used him to Christmas shop for their 3 children and 5 grandchildren, so she could put her name on the Christmas gifts. This is the kind of mentality I deal with, with the step-sister. She's a user, pathological liar and sociopath. I don't say those things to be mean or to make her look like a bad person. It's all the truth. She needs professional help. I tried to stay living with her in her very small small house apartment, but it became impossible. Her attitude toward me turned nasty when she wanted private time with her new boyfriend and let me know that she needed me to leave her place for at least a few hours at a time so they could have "private time." I sat in my car in 33 degree weather for at least 4 hours at a time on a couple of occasions so she could have sexual relations with her man in private. Really... I'm glad I wasn't there to hear them. When I saw her start to hit my puppy, just b/c he wanted to play with her cat, it was the last straw for me. My puppy is so innocent and kind and has no mean-ness in him at all. I don't want his innocence taken away by being abused by step-sister dearest. Ok... Sorry for that emotional outburst. Back to what can I do about the caregiving situation now that I had to come back to live in their home... I thought that when I left I was doing them a great favor and that they'd find out that they really did need help and get the help that they needed. They CAN afford it, but my mom is very frugal with their money and absolutely refuses to get any outside help. I came back to a filthy house and saw that they had very little food left in the frig, etc... They can't take care of living in their home anymore and would greatly benefit from Assisted Living. Still, they act like I'm some sort of demon when I talk to them about these things. I've told my mom that I will not vacuum this house again b/c I did hurt myself worse than I'm already hurt, last week when I tried to clean the place up for them. I try not to enable them. Actually, I'm not enabling them. I had to stop doing that a long time ago. Of course I still have the guilt, but they honestly don't care about me or my wellbeing. I've never been a cook and never made meals, etc... I'm single and lived alone for most of my life. I'm not about to start to be Julia Childs (?sp) now. Besides, I have a lot of chronic pain issues and am not able to stand at the stove to make meals for them. I've told them all about "Meals on Wheel's", and about other programs out there that are available for them...and that a lot of these services are volunteer... Ex: "Senior's helping Senior's"... "Diakon Visiting Nurses & Senior Helper's Volunteer Service's"..."Office of Aging"... My mom and s-dad won't budge. They only get angry with me when I inform them of such services. When I mentioned that "I just can't keep taking care of 2 older people with severe health conditions".... my mom got irate with me, telling me that "She doesn't need my help and they're not old and that they can take care of themselves 100% and that I've never done anything to help them..." Well, that hurt me badly since I've been doing a lot to help them.

Everyone here is absolutely right. It's my life and it's up to me to either give it to my mom and s-dad, or actually live life for myself. I choose the ladder. I want a life!!! I want a place of my own! I want to feel better physically and emotionally myself. Yet I don't know how I can achieve these things. I'm on SSDI disability for multiple chronic pain (musculo-skeletal conditions), and have no savings, no real healthcare. I have Medicare which is useless unless you have a secondary health insurance plan, which I'm not eligable for b/c of age and financially I can't afford any other health ins. coverage. I have no money to get even an efficiency of my own. I have no family. I don't count my step-sisters on my stepfather's side family, and my real dad had two girls after he left my mom, but both live far away and for as much as I've always tried to be close to them, they want nothing to do with me. They got very angry with me when my dad died and the attorney made me his Executrix (??sp) b/c I was the oldest... I gave the Executrix position over to my half-sister immediately, but sadly, they still never wanted to be 'sister's' to me. To make matters a bit worse, I make too much money on my SSDI to be eligable for any type of Assistance, be it for prescriptions, medical, food, cash, housing, etc... I worked full time all of my life b/c I never had the honor of getting married and having children... So I gave so much into the Social Security System by working so hard for years and years, that now when I need help, the Gov't tells me that I make too much money. It's insane and I know I'm not alone in this. I'm open to any suggestions, within reason. I do see a therapist once a week and she's doing all that she can for me, but she knows of the mess I'm caught in the middle of. I'm SO thankful for the therapist I have. She's become more of a friend. I have no friends left in real life. Anyone who's ever come into my mom and s-dad's house, ran the other way. I can't have a date come to their house. I'm going to be 50 years old in April 2011, and I have a F'n curfew! I have no privacy! I may as well tatoo a huge "LOSER" on my forehead!!! I'm so lonely, but I know I can't have, or start, any kind of relationships as long as I live here. Right now, since I'm no longer enabling them in any way, my mom seems to be either 'acting' like she's giving up, or really is just giving up. They keep the house mostly dark, play a country music radio station all day, and then only turn the TV on at night. My s-dad goes to bed at 10pm, and lights are out at 11pm! I live by their rules since I'm living in their home. My own health is suffering badly. I'm hitting bottom with depression and I don't know what to do other than keep talking to my therapist and the one family doctor I see 4 times a year. The only thing I have that means anything to me is my dog, my almost 3 year old pomerania, Bailey. I'd be totally lost without him. Honestly, I'd live in my car if I thought I could make it w/out freezing. I know I can't do that, so here I am. I'm so lost.

I appreciate ALL of your feedback from everyone, and thank you all for the honest feedback you've given so far.

God Bless & Love to you all,
Kathy K.

Well, I thought my life was a mess! At least all I have is terrible anxiety and palpitations! I have step daughters who had never entered our lives until lately, now they are bringing my husband back into our home, asking me to leave (which I WILL do) and taking over....I don't have to leave, my attorney said not to, but I can NOT take their ugliness towards me and actually I can no longer care for my husband in his current condition....I have so many friends and loved ones...I am blessed by them all....I pray your life improves somehow....I pray you have the strength to do what you can do for yourself....therapy is great! So, if you are not cleaning or cooking, who is? Is the house in horrible shape? Do you worry about social services coming in? You should protect yourself, and being a nurse I assume you know that....but, if eldercare or social services come in and your parents aren't clean and living in an envoirnment not healthy, you could get your behind in trouble....think about that as well.....Ok Willow, take care of yourself....pray, mediate, think things through....I do hope your problems can be and will be resolved!

Willow, I'm glad to hear that you realize that tTHEY are NOT your responsibility, (in fact if they don't want you around you're in the wrong for being there) and that YOU ARE you're responsibility! There must be some way to find subsidized housing or something like it in your position with SSI, Find out, talk to your therapist or Soc Services and figure it out. You're in no position to be caring for ungrateful people who need to have Social Services take a good look at thier situation anyway.
Move away, find whatever kind of life for yourself that you can, and stop putting yourself in situations that you KNOW are not right. I don't mean to be harsh, just want you know that you CAN do it, you SHOULD do it, and YOU'RE WORTH DOING IT FOR.

Hi Slogin. Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry if my post came across sounding wrong, like my mom and s-dad are living in poor conditions. I have been keeping up with some of the cleaning as I'm able. I'm not always able to do too much for them, but they're not living in filth and are not going hungry. I've had them stock up on a lot of homecooked frozen meals that can be bought at a couple of the local grocery stores for when my mom isn't able to cook. Both my mom and s-dad are still able to get around okay. They're weak but still refuse any outside help. I myself can no longer do as much as I used to do for them, but if I thought that they needed Social Services, etc... to come in and evaluate their situation, I'd be the first to call them. I don't hate my mom and s-dad... I just can't be the only one to help them... They have lot of demands and my own health is suffering badly. I'm trying to do the right thing for them and for me. I do think that they need help, but I can't make them get it. 'Life' is just so hard right now. I'm doing the best I know how.
Thanks everyone...
Kathy K.

You are in tough circumstances not having any place to "run"....it's sure a big responsibility. Just keep up the therapy, perhaps the therapist can figure out what you need to do next.....there has to be a program out there to assist YOU..I know your pain is from medical conditions, but trust me, your mental condition of being somewhere you don't want to be and trying to please the 2 elders, can take a toll on the pain as well....Take care, God Bless and keep us updated!

Willow, I think you need to put your foot down and call in outside help for your mother and stepdad, for the sake of your health and theirs. You said of your mother and stepdad, "They are weak and still refuse any outside help." and you also said, "They have a lot of demands and my own health is suffering badly." If you are the one helping them ( not the other way around) then they have no say---- at this point where your health is about to break---- in whether you call in outside help or not. If you are literally on the verge of breaking down, then this has become your decision to make ( regarding bringing in outside help). If they "refuse", then maybe they need to suffer the consequences. Your conscience would be clear. You will have done all you could. Good luck and be strong.

Hello there I am 42 and my father died at 53 of the same thing and now my mother lives with me and my family with the same thing, she is 64 and she does nothing to help herself, she has now stopped eatting and thinks its ok and that once in awhile 3 tablespoons of oatmeal is fine, I feel for you I have a older sister and younger brother that wont help me at all, I do everything, we added on to are house for her and are taxes are killing us because she lost her house and my sister or brother would not help her, All are days are gone of a married couple wanting to go to the store or even go out to a movie, lol never again. Just remember you are not alone and that someday it will get better for you. I dream of being married like it was 6 years ago!!!

I want to thank you all for your replies! In reading your replies, I can hear how hard life is for you also. It just doesn't seem fair...and it's not about "fair" I guess, but taking care of our elderly and/or ill parents/grandparents etc... is SO hard! No one who's not in the position we're in can understand. It's a thankless job. We do our best to help, yet I'm sure many are in my position where it seems that no matter how much you do to help it feels like a never ending existance. It seems like most of us here are the sole caretaker for our elderly parent(s) and/or whoever it is we're caring for. In addition, it seems that they have no regard about how we're feeling physically and/or emotionally. My greatest fear now is that I'm going to find one of them (my mom or s-dad) 'not alive'... I found my real dad dead and I've never been the same since. If/when something does happen to one or the other, I have no one at all to call. I'm totally alone in all of this and it is scary. Yet when they see me in severe pain, gasping for breath b/c of the pain, etc... they don't seem to have any regard. I twisted my ankle a couple of weeks ago in the middle of the night, in the bathroom, which is right next to their bedroom. One of my fingers got caught in a knob of bars they had installed on their toilet to make things easier for them, and my finger tip was hanging on by a tiny bit of skin. The fall was very loud. I really hurt myself, and no one even came to see if I was okay. I guess maybe their afraid that we (the caretaker) might get hurt and not be able to take care of them? Okay... I'm back to "One Day at a Time."... Lol... I hope you can find some time just for yourself and get a break. You deserve it!!! My thoughts & Prayer's are with you!
Kathy K.

Thanks, Kathy. It's good to hear you sounding stronger and I wish you the best.

Kathy, sounds like we both twisted ankles same time...My mom acted like it was really putting her out that it happened, like I was causing a lot of trouble...I told her to get away from me and that I was calling 911...SHE has paid for it all, and she'd have to as I have no money...She I think blames her self, she demanded I come out and shovel more slush, I knew it was going to happen. Off crutches no wand healing fast, but it made for a lot of hassle on top of the rest of the BS here....

Kathy, I think I can understand where you are coming from, even though our situations are different....yet have so many things in common. We love, NOT HATE, our ppl that we are caring for, but sometimes we HATE the demands, and the guilt, and the restrictions it places on us. Sometimes it is necessary to vent, and just let it out, and say all the things we need to say about how bad it really is. It's not that we expect miraculous solutions. We're smart enough to know they're aren't miraculous solutions. In a way, it seems to me, that some of us are just STUCK in a situation because of just the way we are. We can't walk away from it. Many can. We just can't. And, because of that....we stick it out, and we suffer, but we're not oblvious of what we're going through. And we're not martyrs. We know every step of the way what we're doing. It's up to us to take the steps to make it end, but I doubt we will. Because we are just that way. Caregivers to the bone. I'm 60 years old. My Mom is 84. I love her. But I know it could be my undoing. I feel myself unraveling. I just don't know how I could leave her caretaking to strangers. You sound like a good and caring person. How can that be bad? Why should it take such a toll on us? This site is good, because we can say things that no one else would be able to relate to.
xoxo

Hi Kathy,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have been where you are in that I was the only caregiver for my mother before she passed away. I know it's hard on you emotionally and physically but know that you will get through it. If you ever need to talk, I'm here
babygirl

Braida, Well said.

I agree with Ted that Braida said it well. It's being stuck that is so difficult. I have a definite lack of hope these days. My mother is so old and gets frail and unreliable so very, very slowly but very consistently. There is really nothing to hope for except release from this hell of caring for those who are degenerating.

I got my haircut this morning and on inspecting the result I noticed that I have a lot more gray. (Sigh) I'm degnerating too.

People need to have people around. I am alone with a half brain-dead mother, a dog and a cat. EVERYTHING mlooks dreary and hopeless. I question my own decisions constantly and have no one to bounce ideas off of or to let them take the wheel for a while. However. I do have a half brain-dead mother, a dog and a cat that have no one else and depend on me for everything, and somehow that feels good. I guess it's a matter of perspective.

Thank you SO much for your genuine understanding! I feel like we're all like an extended family here...an extended family of caregivers, most of us the sole caregiver for the one that needs our help...often demands it. It's not a life. I do love my mom dearly, yet she's not the "mom" I know anymore. Both her and my s-dad have changed into people that I don't really know, yet I'm the only one they have that has the heart, and the guilt, to be there for them. I too feel that caring for them 'is' going to be my undoing. I'm on disability myself for chronic pain conditions, insulin resistance, extremely high cholesterol and trigs, etc... and I cannot get help b/c I have no real health insurance. My mom and s-dad have the best health insurance one could ask for, and their health insurance would cover the cost of professional help to come in and help them. There's also the "meals on wheel's" option, which they blatently refuse. There's also volunteer options for light housekeeping, grocery shopping, running errands, etc... that they also will have no parts of. At this rate, they're both going to outlive me! lol... On the other hand, I live in their home (and pay dearly each month for it, giving them $300 a month out of my SSDI. If/when anything should happen to my mom, I will be homeless. I have no other blood relatives. I have no friends left at all. I have no one else that is willing to even be a phone friend at this point, b/c they all know how dysfunctional things are in the house that I live in with my mom and s-dad, and anyone who's ever come in contact with this intensity of dysfunction, verbal abuse, and the awful sexually inappropriate comments that my s-dad makes to anyone that's ever come into the house, have all of my respect for not wanting to be around that kind of abusive behavior. It does hurt though that people I was close friends with for 20+ years...friends that I would have, and have done anything at all to help them in any way I could, during their hard times, cannot put themselves out to just give a call or send a short email once in a while. I don't know of anyone else like myself, except for the wonderful folks I've met here. Everyone I know in 'real life', have siblings, family, husbands, wives, plus other family and/or friends to support them. Until I found this support group here online, I felt totally alone. I know that I'm far from alone in this caretaking situation... when I read and/or recieve replies from any/all of you. I feel Blessed to have found you all! Your support means the world to me! Thank God we have each other!

Hang in there and keep sharing your stories and feelings here. It's a wonderful support to share our insanity's with each other...lol. I mean that in the most loving of ways.

God Bless & Love to you all!
Kathy K.

The one, and only, good thing about facing this challenge of caregiving is that it IS a challenge, and a challenge means that there is a chance of VICTORY.
A while ago, I started hearing myself say to myself that "I WILL WIN THIS!' I didn't even know what it meant until I realized that with some emotional and mental effort, I COULD overcome the attacks and the constant feeling of being worn down and I realized then that -Yea, I could leave and give this up, or I could stay and fight. And by fight I mean that I could do everything in my power to be the best caregiver I could be knowing full well what I was up against. I'm still fighting and I feel MUCH stronger about it now.
And I believe that my stronger, more powerful attitude was also noticed by those around me, and you know what? they backed off and began letting me do my job. the resistance got less and less. and I gained the control that I NEEDED to do this.
It's a much different situation now, and I WILL eventually win (time is on MY side after all) and be able to move on when the inevitable happens.