DobermanLover Posted November 2020
It has been 17 years and still heartbroken...
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As I read about everyone's ordeals here I am still heartbroken over my Father's death 17 years ago...yes I have been to counseling for 5 yrs but I still feel a major loss...anyone else feel this way?
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17 yrs is way too long to have to experience the sadness you do. How does this affect your life? Does it manifests itself physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually? Being heartbroken and experiencing grief are related I guess, maybe even the same thing. Not resolving your grief after this long a time can lead to health issues if it already hasn't. Besides counseling, which apparently hasn't done much for you, how else have you tried to resolve your grief? It might be time to find another grief counselor. Have you looked into grief support groups? Resolving your grief doesn't mean not embracing the past or not remembering the times you shared. It means you finally accept his death and can look back at happier times with a smile and feel joy in recalling your life with him. After my wife's death, it bothered me that I didn't tell her often enough how I loved her and I regretted it was now too late. A friend of mine said “no it's not”, tell her now. So I visit her now and try to make up for those times. Is there unfinished business between you and your dad? Are there things you wished you would have done that you didn't? Or are there issues you didn't do that you should have? Can you visit his grave and spend time with him? Alva's suggestion of a journal is a good one. It allows you still to communicate with him. I wish you peace.
I am so very sorry to hear of this for you, primarily because there was such love. I don't know how old your Dad was when he died. I think it makes a difference. My Dad was in his 90s. He died in his easy chair watching Monica Lewinsky on Larry King Live. Not even time to say ouch. Just a deep breath in, and gone. He did not suffer. All of my life this was THE MAN in my life. A gentle kind protective soul with whom I had a connection that needed no words; I will never meet a better man.
There was nothing unresolved for me and my Dad. And he had spoken to me of his readiness to go; I know that must have helped. When I had last been home he had told me about his exhaustion, that he went on for Mom, who got him out of bed, onto the scale and sat him before a big breakfast hoping to fuel him for just one more day. That he only wanted peace and rest, but didn't want to tell her that. That he was ready to go. He told me the one thing he had done in his life he felt shame over (a tiny thing you wouldn't believe). I lay on the bed and held his hand and listened.
When I got the call, and flew home to my Mom, I will tell you, I went outside that first night for a smoke (yeah, I smoked then) and I felt nothing but relief. That he got his wish. That I had him so many years. That he hadn't had to suffer. That I no longer had to fear or suffer for him, nor my Mom either. She and he had the greatest love story I ever knew, but she felt the same. We felt lucky. From the time I was a child he told me his belief that we are like the leaves; we eventually will fall to nourish new life; no atom disappears. And I can tell you I feel he is never gone from me. I can see him, slowly bending from the waist to plant a few onion bulbs so he could pull them and eat them with salt in a bit of time.
I know you have good memories, as well, because I know you loved your Dad so much. I hope those good memories will come, and form a path in your brain, and repeat and repeat again. What we concentrate on in our brains TAKES ROOT there.
Have you ever tried a journal, or letters to him just telling him of good memories. That has saved my life since I lost my bro in May, more than once.
My heart goes out to you, and it hurts me that a relationship so FINE has now to have anything of pain in it. There's all these platitudes about loss being the cost of love. That doesn't make it hurt less. Hugs out to you. Annie Dillard has a beautiful quote about how we live our lives as though 100s of 1,000s have not lived before us, who are now gone, and as though 100s of 1,000s will not come after WE are gone. I suspect we do. It's a long line of love, all that.
Be grateful you had a sweet relationship with your father. I lost mine 17 years ago, too. But I feel his presence in my life and I am comforted. He is out of pain and I wouldn't ask to have him back for 5 minutes in the misery his last year on earth was.
Bless your heart. You are LUCKY to have known a love like that!
I certainly hear where you’re coming from and I’m so sorry for the pain and sorrow that you are feeling. I wish so much that I could tell you something that would help ease the pain and hurt.
It’s been four years since my father passed away. I have gone to counselling and joined a support group and talk to others. But I can’t help feel stuck and part of me wishes he was still here to see his grandchildren grow up.
I still feel tremendous guilt for the last year of his life. For failing to do more for him. I can’t help but think I made a fatal mistake and I cannot forgive myself.
Losing a beloved parent is one of life’s most difficult moments. I wish I knew how to come to terms with it and find a way forward.
My daddy died in 2002 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I miss my father too.
So many times I would like to talk to him. Don’t think that I am weird, but I tell him what is on my mind. I tell him happy birthday on his birthday too!
Certain times of the year we think of them even more, such as the holidays or their birthday, etc.
I am sorry that you are struggling with these emotions but it shows how important he was to you.
One thing that I know for sure is, your dad and my dad would want us to be at peace and happy, right?
My dad was a sentimental guy towards the latter part of his life. In his younger years he was so busy providing a good life for us!
Honor your feelings. You loved him. You don’t have to see your feelings as a problem unless they are prohibiting you from functioning.
My feelings aren’t crippling me so I don’t feel badly about how I feel. I have vivid memories.
It’s interesting, because my dad had an incredible memory. He remembered all the way back until he was three or four years old.
I can remember up until I was four. I remember riding one of those big red tricycles. Mom stayed home. She didn’t work outside of the home.
I remember my first day of kindergarten and my teacher’s name!
The only time I can honestly say that I'm glad they're not here is b/c of the challenges of the pandemic and the intense friction and hostility that's arisen in the US. I'm glad none of them had to experience this.
Another approach is to consider what you've learned from them, and how it makes you a better person and how you can share that with others. Leveraging experience, compassion and other qualities makes you a better person, and you can thank your family for that.