Hubby had a major heart attack on Sunday. Has not felt well for MONTHS, but wouldn't address this with his doc--just said he was overwhelmed by work and super stressed out by life. He's a liver transplant patient, 12 years out. Beat HepC, a stroke, 84 weeks of chemotherapy, a motorcycle wreck that nearly killed him and several falls while rock climbing. So--a car with 9 lives. Race to the ER where they dx the heart attack and turf him to a hospital with a cath lab--he has 3 stents placed in the "widow maker" arteries...and this doc basically saved his life. Hospital for 2-1/2 days, they let him come home today, and he is being a royal butthead. I know his "sick man" routine and its awful, just awful. He is now back on the diabetic diet he should have stayed on post transplant--he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times. I just put my foot down. He did not hear much of what the Drs said to him, so his "education" on how to care for himself is pretty much what I have been reading and doing. I can cook the diabetic diet, I have been pretty much for years. I can't control his eating, his sugar cravings, the lack of exercise or really, much of anything. I told him I will stock the cabinets and fridge with good food choices and he needs to learn how to count carbs (doesn't believe in them) and he HAS to get out of bed and start living. Probably his severe fatigue has been due to the failing heart. I'm not putting up with his poor pitiful me routine---my gosh--I've heard from 20 neighbors and friends so far who are praying for him and asking what they can do to help.... he is SO blessed and SO loved. My kids are great--but only 2 of them live close. They can only be supportive and loving--this man is smart and witty and brilliant--but he is also depressed, angry and panicky. Has to find a "reason" or "person" to blamed for everything goes south. He actually told the dr he was 70 lbs overweight b/c I am "too good" of a cook. Dr. didn't buy into that. I don't need recipes for better menus--I can do that in my sleep. I just need to vent as I have run the gamut of emotions the last 3 days from terror to relief to anger. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. And it is going to get MUCH worse before it's better. Just some kind supportive words, please. If you feel I'm a witch, which I am , keep it to yourself. This too shall pass---wow, life with this man has been eventful and scary.
If you didn't care about him, you wouldn't have reacted to finding him gone.
Maybe that's what he was trying to find out.
Obviously, from all you say, you always take responsibility for everything that occurs, and if you don't, you have him and your kids to push it back on to you. IMHO you need to find yourself a different psychiatrist, the whole idea is to gain enough self worth to not be a doormat, not how to tolerate being a doormat. Your mom taught you all you need to know about that. I cry for you that you think you have so little value that this behavior is acceptable and can be worked around by you getting thicker skin. I am not chastising you, I am mourning for you and what you live with.
It may be that he can't understand, or it may be that he doesn't care to.
You did not overreact. You did, perhaps? forget everything you have already known for years about his attitude to normally supportive interpersonal relationships - namely, that he can't be arsed with them except when it suits him.
And the health crisis that he is currently undergoing, and again ignoring when he wants to and milking for all its worth when he wants to do that instead, changes nothing.
Your marriage is not one of emotional give-and-take, is it, really? But you have found other compensations in it before now, and God willing you will again. If you didn't love this man, it seems to me, you'd be long gone. I have to assume that because I can't for the life of me see what's in it for you otherwise.
Don't you dare apologise, that's all.
DH and I do not share a bedroom, haven't for years. No intimacy, for one, for many years and the fact he often watches TV late into the night, since he often sleeps all day--won't compromise on that, says I can wear earplugs---so I just gave up and moved out to the spare room.
I got up about 2 am to check on him....and he's gone. No note, no text....the bed is cold, so he obviously has been gone a while. Car is gone. I start to freak out a little--as he is not supposed to be driving at all and he LOVES a long aimless drive--or did he slink off to kill himself? He was SO depressed all day and nasty to me....I texted him and got the terse response that he had a headache and had driven to work(!) to retrieve his Norco and he was now having an omelette at an IHOP somewhere. What was my problem? Why was I busting his chops? He is FINE.
Well, by the time he gets home at 3 am, I am in a froth. He just came in and went back to bed b/c this is perfectly normal behavior, right? What's the big deal?
I cameupstairs, slammed on the lights and screamed my head off at him, all the while crying hysterically. HE DID NOT GET WHY I WAS UPSET. Told him I was DONE and leaving in the am for ANYWHERE but here, if he is so dam independent, he can take care of himself...I am DONE. Divorce to follow.
Back to bed, for me, I am sobbing and angry--basically having all the "feels" and he texts me that he is now having a panic attack b/c he can't handle my hysterics. Says I am being absolutely awful and not helping him at all....well, this is stupid, texting from one room to another. I came upstairs and he is in fact, having a panic attack. He took a Nitro pill, I sat and talked to him calmly and explained how it feels to go through what he'd putting me through (and he doesn't GET that his life choices in fact DO affect me!!)--but we talked it through, he calmed down and was able to go to sleep. Just b/c I am the bigger person, I apologized for blowing up, but NOT for what I said.
Bad night. This am I made breakfast and took it in to him. He apologized profusely, and I accepted, of course. We need to work this out, somehow.
No matter what I do or say for him, it's the wrong thing. This is a dynamic of 42 years, it won't heal soon.
He is "meh" about marriage counseling. We'll see. Right now we are on a level place. He is mentally stressed, physically stressed and emotionally raw. BUT, he doesn't get to abuse me. And in my book---this was abuse.
I am feeling better today just because I absolutely HATE birthdays and I am so glad when the day is over.
I was just wondering---did I overreact to finding him gone? Was this really all just me being "me" and hysterical? I sometimes feel like I'm not even aware of what's "normal and acceptable" and what's "totally selfish and cruel".
🎶🎂🎈🤾🏾♂️🌸🌺
I hope you are feeling a little better today.
When my honey was giving me a rough time about my making the decisions for us (while he was so sick), was being verbally abusive and a regular horses patoot..we had a "come to Jesus" discussion before he got out of rehab. I basically told him he was almost 66 years old and not 5. If he is determined to make the decisions as to making sure the proper rehab, treatment, his health etc, fine, but he better not push me to far or he could do his own meds, wipe his own bottom, wash his own clothes, cook his own meals, fix his own meds, find a ride to his appointments etc...well you get the idea. And if he ever became verbally abusive or ever physically threatened me again he would be out of this house and he did not want me to say I'm done as that would mean he better start looking for another place to live and someone else to care about and for him. I had a full on anxiety attack and scared him to death (he was ready to call 911) not too long after he got home. His attitude changed. Now if he starts trying to revert I remind him of our "come to Jesus" meeting, walk off and go to my study. He is realizing I meant what I said...I will no longer tolerate the bad behavior or verbal abuse....period.
Hang in there Mid. Please try to get some rest and keep us posted on how you are doing.
I hope DH is fine. His rehab and recovery will be on his terms if history repeats itself I guess.
You are right, if he insists on driving that kinda puts him in charge of himself. That includes cooking and cleaning up after himself.
Hope you are able to get some rest.
Just came off of CYmbalta and psych doc is not planning to put him on anything. (He lies to her, I am sure).
So, we hit the reset button, he's much sicker now than he was, a much longer rehab time and a much grouchier patient.
He DID say to me "Just so you know, I would take you to dinner tonight if you insisted. Just remember that I offerred." (It's my birthday today).
How VERY gallant.
He tried to drive himself home from the hospital and the nurse wouldn't let him. we got home and I was making his bed, and he said "I;m not waiting around for you to go to the pharmacy, I'll go myself",,which he did and then when he got home he announced he was starving and I said "If you can drive, you can cook". A NOT HAPPY man made the only meal he can cook, an omelet. I said that part of cooking is the cleanup and he'd better plan on doing that too.
I'm not even being remotely nice to him.
Partly b/c I am terrified and partly b/c I am simply completely exhausted.
Anyhow, here we go again. Doc swears he's "fine" but the first doc also said that, I do not know whom to believe.
Depression and cardiac issues are inextricably linked. When my dh had open heart surgery at a major NYC hospital, he was given antidepressants upon discharge, no ifs ands or buts. It's part of the protocol. Ask the cardiac doc about this, please!
Dr, went in and fixed it and we are just jumping backwards 2 weeks in rehab. This was a different dr., and he talked with me several times today about DH's lack of activity and sedentary lifestyle and need to blame everyone but the dog for his health. Doc is tougher than this first one-- and he is going to have a "come to Jesus" with him tomorrow morning. One thing he will bring up is that he HAS to sit at the table to eat meals, no excuses, he HAS to be compliant with the diet (not really a problem) and he HAS to get out of bed. No more sleeping around the clock for days on end.
Whether DH realizes how close he came to dying, yet a 2nd time in 2 weeks is still a mystery.
Anyway, things are going to change around here. I am NOT responsible for him. Period.
And, yes, he was going to have this second H/A no matter what I did or didn't do.
Time will tell. My kids are all being very supportive---the only semi-rotten thing I did was to ask the dr if there was ANY WAY he could justify keeping him in the hospital for one more day, as tomorrow is my birthday and I really don't want to spend the day taking care of him. Dr kind of laughed and said 'Other than committing medical fraud, I guess it could happen" so, essentially, no, but he felt my pain.....
Oh well---going to bed.
Again--thanks for the help. DH doesn't know it yet, but he IS seeing his therapist this week and we ARE starting marriage counseling. He doesn't even get a voice in that. we're going.
You have been wonderful, and have gone through so much with DH, and have been brave, caring and giving through it all, and are still. He is immensely blessed to have someone like you by his side.
I'm praying for you both as you walk through this - I'm glad you're taking care of you too. You do need to rest to keep up your strength. Big hugs to you.
Sorry to hear the latest on DH.
Please don’t blame yourself for any of this. YOU were trying to get DH to follow his Drs orders.
This is not your fault.
I'm still very, very sorry this has happened. I hate to be a callous cow, but as well as sorry he's had another cardiac event I'm especially sorry because it's made you feel bad when you were doing the right thing. God in Heaven, girl, you're not psychic.
Be well rested before you tackle the next day. Take time for a decent breakfast, too.
This is so NOT your fault. Would have happened whether he was home, in rehab, in the hospital. Hang in there, honey. ((((((((((Hugs))))))))),). B
NO you were NOT a bitch, you were following Dr orders.
Sleep well sweetheart, you're an awesome wife. Please never doubt that!
Many prayers for you, hubby and your children.
One or more of the stents is leaking or has collapsed. Tomorrow early he is having another angiogram/angioplasty to see what can be done. Possible fix, possibly, nothing and he will just slowly slip away. Too much to wrap this head around.
I am taking 2 sleeping pills (Drs orders) and going to bed. My having a good night's sleep will make whatever is going to happen a lot easier to bear if I am not exhausted.
Now I just feel HORRIBLE for trying so hard to encourage him to get out of bed all week. It's not my fault, but, if he doesn't make it, what awful memories I have of being such a bitch when he needed me to be kind. How was I to know?????? He sleeps all the time anyway! I couldn't tell a difference.....
Don't know what to do....just wait.
The last time my honey told me he was going to follow what they say and for me to stay out of it. I said fine, but what if I step back from everything...can you do your own meds (setting them up for the week), changing out your IV and your pump batteries, cooking your own meals and taking care of the calls etc that have to be done on your behalf. He said no and I said "bingo!!!" don't tell me that again.
There is a lot he is not able to do. But he is going through the edema again and trust me your honey does not want to go through that. But as you said until he decides to get his "big boy panties" on he will continue as he is. Nothing you can do about that.
Please do take a vacation/getaway…. you deserve it and maybe it will open your DH eyes since he is not actually disabled, just recovering. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.
DH was asleep when I left at 9 am and walked in minutes after I got home at 4. I thought (hope, prayed) he'd gone to work, but he'd just taken his car to have a minor things repaired. Asked if he ate (kind of) did he exercise at all "no it's too hot". Did he get at any of the things on the list the dr gave him, No, he'd only been away 3 hrs. Ate dinner at the dining table with his head in in hands, depressed, tired and complaining how he'd give his right arm for a Coke. Complained of overwhelming fatigue and being so very weak. Duh, if I stayed in bed as much as he did I'd wither away.
Yes, I am being incredibly negative and while it certainly doesn't help-- this site is one I can come to, be brutally honest about how I feel and only a few people take me to task for having feelings.
I just. Don't. Wanna. Anymore.
Is he going to work tomorrow ? No. Next week. No plans. When does he see his pcysh doc again (won't tell me). This was all in the form of trying to plan our daughter's familys' visit next week, not trying to bust his chops.
I will spend a LONG day at my friends' and also all of Saturday. DH can do any grocery shopping. He needs to start learning.
My friend is a retired AF Nurse and she did a LOT of rehab post heart attack. She said only about 20 % of men patients are complaint, 80% quit within the first 4 months and they never see them again. Guess I am going to mentally prepare myself for either divorce or long term separation until he decides what he's going to do.
It's NOT my son's responsibility. I's Hubby's--110%. He simply chooses to not be compliant. We have been to this rodeo MANY times. It's not any of my 4 daughter's jobs either. Son and daughter simply came to town to read the riot act to dad and to ascertain that he wasn't dying. (He's not). They helped him to understand his new diet, make him walk a lot and then they went home. His choice now is to stay in bed.
All the kids see right through dad's "poor pitiful me" routine. When he has been TRULY ill, we have all pulled together, of course I do the most, but now he's in a situation OF HIS OWN MAKING and he has to choose how to deal. Stay in bed forever, or pull his big boy pants on and get the eff up out of the bed and grow up.
Tomorrow I go back to the immense job of helping a friend pack up her house full of 20 years of memories and life and helping her move to AZ, with her 3 small grandchildren. What DH chooses to do while I am spending every day of the next week cleaning, packing and moving will be up to him. If he has not made a manful effort to care for himself by next Thursday, I will call his cardio doc about moving him into a facility to rehab. That's a possibility.
This is NOT my son's responsibility. Yes, my son can be a real jerk at times and he is very short tempered and sometimes downright mean--but he learned it from the best--his own dad.
The epiphany that he needs to do this for himself and quit crying over the fact he cannot have a milkshake or Dr. Pepper has to be his.
I think you more than deserve a 2 week vacation. Go visit several hundred mikes away. Organize Daddy to be in the care of Son. If his family shows up? What, is he going to leave Daddy all alone then? Nope...nothing like real life to drive home a point.
Take a real vacation.
When my Dad was that bad...Mom came to Florida for 2 weeks. We had a great time, and my brother finally learned the real meaning of "full time caregiver". Come to think of it...brother never again offered any advice on any topic after that. He went away, and shut up about moms' caregiving.
Yep, it IS easy for the kids to stand on the sideline and listen to daddy boo-hoo and then assume it's all my fault. I had no problem with the care post transplant. It's been the "stupid things" he's done to hurt himself and I wind up in the hotseat that makes me boil. The motorcycle wreck the day before a new grandbaby was due to be born ( I was 5 weeks post back surgery and I NEEDED HIM HOME to lift the other kids. He opted to take his rented motorcycle on a ride up our VERY dangerous canyons instead of being good to his word.) Massive concussion, bleed into the eye, hematoma in his butt that hasn't fully resolved....and I had to run him hither and yon for tests and blood transfusions, and there was my darling daughter with a 10+ lb baby and her 7 month pregnant sister trying to help her. B/c he had to make himself happy. I essentially missed the first 6 months of 3 new grandbabies' lives b/c he had to have things his way and if I tried to leave, he'd freak out.
We'll be OK. Well, let me restate that. I will be OK. He will be as good as he chooses to be. Period. I am growing a thicker skin daily.
I do appreciate your comments, don't hate my kids--they are all stellar people and they are always there when I am really needing them--but they need to live their own busy, crazy lives.
ONe daughter is coming next week to help me purge the pantry of all no-no foods (no that he'd actually COOK something, but I can start stocking my pantry with stuff he won't be tempted to eat. Plus, it really needs to be done.
I am hoping for a "miracle" that back to work makes him wake up and be engaged. I'm planning for him to be home from work for at least the rest of this week and all of next.
Dr did take him off one drug, and he will come off another in 3-6 months if he's compliant. He's currently on 19 medications. Crazy.
Gotta run--promised him that if he would walk the mall with me, I would go to a movie with him.
Thanks again--you are all so spot on. I'm trying, really. And really learning that you absolutely cannot change anyone. Ever. I have not made a dent in this man's life.
I love him, but I sure don't like him. Don't know how to get back to the "love him" stage. Really, don't know, and maybe, don't care.
A few others, but you get the drirft. The cardio doc told me to call HIM if DH didn't begin moving more.
Honestly, I want to no be involved with this at all.
Last of the out of towners are leaving. I tried to send him to Washington with my son, but my DIL said "NO WAY!".
We'll muddle through.
And Barb. yes, his baseline "normal" is to sleep all day if he doesn't go to work. Has been that way for 12 years.
Son came, that did help, and then his family showed up and we didn't see him again. S'ok. DH can sink or swim. He knows how I feel. I know he needs to see his psych doc, which will happen next week. If she does not address the crushing depression, we will find another dr for him.
This is NOT my kids' problem. It's my DH's. If he chooses, going forth, to behave, exercise and quit being a pansy, we'll be fine. Up to him.
There may be a point where I leave him and go "visit" my kids for a few days. Also my sis has a cabin and we have tentatively planned a weekend away from our families.
One thing about having a completely self absorbed DH is that you have zero expectations for him.
Said he's going to work tomorrow and I had to leave the room to go and laugh, He hasn't sat upright in almost 2 weeks. Doc even cleared him for travel, IF he will find time in the work day to EXERCISE.