Anyone else dread it? When I actually have something to say it's fine, I'm happy to call her & tell her whatever. At best, it's a bit frustrating because she has a hard time following complex subjects and remembering details from one day to another so conversation subjects are limited. Or, she catches wind that there's a story I can tell her and she wants me to talk; to tell her, to relieve her boredom and loneliness. I want to deliver and be kind, so I have to figure out what parts she doesn't remember and artfully tell or retell it. It takes a lot of brain power.
I have to feel it out each time. I feel guilty with just about every call because I think, one day I'm going to want to call & she won't be on this earth anymore. But to sit there, after a long day of work, other people I have to direct for work, household things I am charge of and just a busy life, I'm tired. Sometimes, I have nothing to contribute. On those, "I've got nothing days" all I want to say is, "Are you ok? Ok great, we're fine too. Maybe we will talk tomorrow," and hang up. I want to, but don't and I get so agitated. Occasionally I do keep it real short and tell her I have a headache or whatever and I've had a long day; but if I do it too much she tells me I work too much and that I am too busy and to me that just sounds like criticism. So I force myself to try and make conversation & it's excruciating.
Usually after I hang up I'm relieved because, I did it! it's done for today! She says she very much appreciates that I check in and can call every day. Not shopping for tips or advice, just looking for commadere and needed to vent, thank you for reading.
You can end the call any time you want. You don't have to call every day if you don't want to. Also read some of the posts from the members of this forum. You'll see that daily phone call in a whole new light.
Like the folks here who are scrubbing piss and crap off of their furniture and rugs daily along with their "loved one" who lives with them. Don't forget the refusal to shower or even change a soiled pull-up or diaper until it's literally falling apart and sometimes not even then. Or the ones who are actual care slaves that have no life whatsoever because 24/7 it's the elder's needs only to be met with stubbornness, nastiness, and bullying. Let's not forget those who have to spend hour after miserable hour in a filthy, stinking, hoard of a house caregiving because the senior won't allow anything to be cleaned up or thrown away. Last but not least and God save them all, the ones who move into that home so mom or dad can be kept out of a care facility even when they should be in one for their own good. Did I mention that so many of those care slaves get treated with less respect than a bag of garbage in a landfill?
Think of all this that you don't have to deal with and you'll probably feel a lot better about the phone call.
Or you could cut the phone call down to every other day. Or once a week.
my Mom at 91 was hanging on to Independent senior living apt by her finger nails….refusing services and ugly abusive language when I tried to help. At times, I too wished her dead. She would at least be happy so I thought.
In one sudden weekend, she went from independent to memory care on hospice and lasted 4 months in what she called “a nightmare”.
Im an old RN that still works in AL and Memory care part time and take care of moms and dads and watch the sons and daughters struggles. All the same struggles on both sides. The suffering and the joys are all out of sight and under appreciated.
No one knows until they get there what it’s like. I pray for comfort and strength for all of us
I will use that some day with my siblings. After mom died, they turned on me, threatened me with a lawyer if I didn’t execute her will “exactly nothing more nothing less”. Brought up how they had concerns about my competency as a care giver and old childhood grievances.
I had a triple death as the two of them started the attacks 4 days after she died. They both lived far away and have no idea what 24/7 was like.
I”m worst than a bag of garbage in a landfill to them.