I'd like to share this recent experience with the caregivers who feel guilty when they put their parents in assisting living or another type of care facility, or bring in help to their homes. My mother, 97, is very easy to take care of. No trouble yet with her personal ADLs, no need to lift her, she moves around with a walker. But after a few years of "being on" all the time, you get exhausted without even realizing it. And you feel guilty when you just long to stay in bed in the morning as long as you want to...or you dread her next doctor appointment because you have to get her in and out of the car twice, up and down the ramp twice, probably to the ladies' room at the doctor's office once or twice... I have felt generally pretty bad for at least a year. Then in November I had a health emergency involving two surgeries, a week in intensive care and three weeks in rehab. My mother went into assisted living, as her doctors and mine agreed that I would no longer be able to care for her. I lay there in the nursing facility letting the nurses take care of me and started feeling better and better. Incision and surgery-related pains aside, I felt as if the IVs were pumping me full of something called "good health." Physical rehab went so fast that the rehab staff later referred to me as a miracle cure. All these good things are the measures of how terrible the stress had become before my surgery. And I didn't even realize it. And my situation was much easier than that of many caregivers. So watch yourself. Pay attention to the folks who tell you to take care of yourself. And start looking at local care facilities before your parent needs one, so that you have a plan if the need arises unexpectedly. Good luck and warm hugs to all of you.
Dressing, bathing, toileting, eating, transferring, as I recall.
Last year, he was in hospital and rehab for 4 months. It was an absolute vacation for me even though I didn’t go anywhere! I got up in the morning looking forward to the day. I cleaned, I knitted, I read, and like you, I felt energized and relaxed. And, I’ve felt guilty about it ever since. After all, this is the love of my life! But I feel so much better after reading your post. My regret, though, is that we cannot afford for him to go to a facility because we both know that’s where he belongs.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad everything worked out for you and Mom!
Anyway, you and your mother are lucky ladies, indeed. Wishing you many blessings!
It’s funny but we think we can just soldier on and that we can do it...but the body won’t lie. Thankful for this support group which understands.
When they say to take care of yourself because of caregiver stress this is very real and not to be taken lightly. I had been caring for my Mom for 17 years and then it got very bad the last two years before she passed away. While I was caring for her 24/7 and she was bedridden in my home on hospice, I suddenly, for no obvious reason, went blind in one eye. A spontaneous retinal detachment! I remember cleaning her and putting briefs on her, emptying the catheter, bringing the dinner tray, and wondering why I could not see out of one eye. It was frightening. I got to an eye surgeon and had the surgery, had to keep my head down for 10 days and sight took a bit over 2 months to return in the eye. It came back as well as it could the very day my Mom died. I will always have scar tissue and wrinkling in that eye to remind me how full on caregiving can tax a person. During this time my husband went A-fib too from the stress. We had had bad experiences with 5 star rated nursing homes for rehab for my Mom and that is why she was at home. If caregivers can find help and a back up plan please do so in case it becomes too much. I will always have a reminder in that eye of the rough time I went through.
No such thing occurs with elders' physical health, though, does it? Most here get to go into the doctor's with their elder, so there is the opportunity to speak up, but the medical professionals usually don't care, correct? They are only focusing on the elder patient.
But so many caregivers make themselves sick and even die. Or they become very resentful. These results will have effects on the elder patient. Their care can be compromised. But I guess the medical professionals don't really care, because no one wants to delve into any real solutions for this growing crisis. And the Medicare bucks keep rolling in for these elders! So the medical professional use that trite phrase, if they say anything at all to the caregiver beyond issuing yet more duties -- "Make sure to take time for yourself." Yeah. Haha!
My friend will probably move in with one of her kids now. Her hubby has cared for her for the past 15 years with no help. She's been wheelchair bound for that length of time....I am positive she feels horrible, since he was always strong and healthy. She never was, ever. We're on our way to the viewing now and I am so saddened and scared by the thought of him dying so young--but evidently he did have some underlying very serious health issues we didn't know about, as she was the one who got all the "attention". Not to speak ill of her at all, she is the sweetest most loving and giving person I think I've ever known. She couldn't help having all the health issues she had! She's only 71---and could live for 20 more years, despite all the bad health issues. I'm just so sad today.
When I do get a day off, it's amazing how light I feel just being free!
I'm sorry for the loss of your dear friend.
I know he would never have had his wife placed in a SNF, ever, and he paid the ultimate price for his loving care.
Your post was a real wake up call for a lot of us. I know my hubby will not do well in his "dotage" and I am already feeling frightened for that eventuality.
I'm glad that you and your mother are both doing better!!
So actually, the two problems --- my surgery, her fall --- were lucky. They forced us to make big changes immediately instead of worrying about what we'd do in the future. And we had realized that some months earlier --- we weren't completely unprepared. She had already chosen her preferred ALF, the family had already taken steps to offer her property for sale --- gotten surveys and appraisals for our own decision-making, regularized 90 years of error-filled deeds, interviewed brokers, interviewed estate sales agents, begun planning the logistics of a future move. In fact, I had two broker interviews scheduled for the afternoon of the day of my collapse; but my out-of-town brother and I had been coordinating so he picked up where I left off and moved ahead. (Up until then, I handled local matters, he handled financial and legal matters and took our mother on an annual month-long vacation.)
Another place we were lucky, and I realize that not everyone is in the same position, is that we had a support network. Two dear neighbors stepped in with my mother for the couple of days until my brother and his wife arrived; a local cousin (caregiver for her elderly mother) took over as my advocate at the hospital, as I was unconscious; and my out-of-state daughter got here before my mother's accident, took over "project management" of the whole thing, and stayed until I was in rehab, conscious, and mentally tracking. The three local ladies were heaven sent, and I hope everyone is as lucky with their networks.
Sorry for writing so much. I'm still processing what happened mentally and emotionally, and it's been two months since my collapse, a month since I got out of rehab.
I remember breaking my arm in a fall, worst pain EVER, no cast but had to wear a sling all the time. The sling was helpful in letting my parents know I wasn't able to do the routine things to help them.
When I was in rehab, the doctor's office was across the hall from my office, the doctor wanted me to stop using the sling so that my arm muscles would stretch. Then I mentioned my aging parents. He smiled and said it was ok to use the sling while visiting my parents :)) I wore that sling for 6 months. Hey, I was senior citizen, too.
Breaking my arm was a welcome relief as crazy as it sounds, but I wouldn't recommend it :P