My older sister (she is 76, I am 72, Mom is 108) and I share taking care of Mom in her home. Sister lives in the same town, I am 900 miles away, but come every 3 or so weeks, stay for 8-10 days so Sis gets a break. Been doing this for 5 years. But Mom wants me and my husband, plus married daughter with 2 kids (who needs me to help with child care), to pull up stakes and move to her neighbor hood so she can see us every day, and I can help care for her so my sister does not get worn out. I am unwilling to do that. Her reason: that's what a family does...stick close. For most of her life her family lived relatively near each other and now she expects the same.
Who's right? Am I truly that selfish to want to maintain my life, home and family (which I have built for 45 years)? Or is my obligation to live up to her expectations? We tried getting in a part-time caregiver to help Sister, but that was a "stranger", not family, and thus unacceptable.
My guilt and anger is reaching a breaking point. Because I won't do what Mom wants, she tells me I should not come back because it's too hard on her when I leave each time. But I can't leave the care burden entirely to my sister, who completely understands and supports my position.
Now Mom is (once again) angry that I am leaving, crying, "What will I do if your sister gets sick or hurt?" Well, we have tried to get additional help, but she rejected that option. For her there is only one solution: I should come and live with her.
What do I do? Give in and leave my family? Let my sister deal with it? I feel catatonic, unable to please everyone.
But she's made a mistake. The roles are reversed. It's not the married children who typically move in with their parent(s). It's the parent(s) who sell their homes and move in with their married children. Boundaries are set by providing space for your parent(s) in your home and letting the parent(s) know what is their space, what is your space, and what is common space.
Yes, it's hard. It's very hard. Just remember that how you treat your mom is how your children will be expected to treat you.
Every answer to Your Question is probably what You needed to hear but I see things differently. Your Mom is 108 years old, and the odds are She will not make it to 110 years. How difficult can it be for You to agree with Your Mother on this probably Her last request and come to assist Your Sister Who is 76 years. Suppose Your Sister suffers from severe burn out, or gets a break down, Who Cares for Mom then ? At the End You will have no guilt, and You would feel glad to have honoured Your Mothers Wish.
As for what families should or 'used to' do...what a crock! In many areas, families do SO MUCH MORE than they ever did for each other. Not to mention that the idea of the incredibly cohesive and devoted families of the past is largely a myth.
I had an elderly friend who tried to get me to give up my life and my home. I knew deep down not to give in especially knowing I had a better life than him I'm definitely a better home and also a better bed. I sleep best in my own bed, and I wasn't about to jeopardize my health or end up giving up everything to move in with him. I always maintained my home life and I usually went home after he fell asleep at night though I would sit with him until he was completely asleep and locked the door behind me when I left for home.
You can also firmly stand your ground especially if you know you have a better life than your mom does and especially more so if you happen to have a better home than she does. I personally would not want to give up my home life and everything I have just move in with someone who has a much smaller place and hardly anything. I just wouldn't give up everything and go down to nothing for someone else when I have it so good where I am now
Nancy
She has fallen in the past and I will always bring her home with me for a couple of days. She never wants to go home. The morning she is to leave, she always says she doesn’t feel well or her leg hurts, yet she was walking and perfectly fine the night before.
Stand your ground about not moving and uprooting your life and family. It already appears you are going above and beyond with visiting as often as you do. Your sister also needs to set boundaries with your mom so she doesn’t get sucked into more demanding requests.
Your mother’s actions are her own.
I hope this helps, all the best, Arlene
Know that you love her and are trying to do the best for her, and as well for the other people in your life who need you (including your sister). Once again, my sympathy.
The best you can do right now is what is best for you and your immediate family. What you feel from your mother now is pressing and urgent; I predict that she will not long remember the present moment.
Bear in mind that you are not just upholding your own life. You are also upholding the lives chosen by your husband, daughter and son-in-law. Your mother's current cognitive level is not capable of understanding multiple viewpoints, nor will you be able to convince er of the validity of other's viewpoints.
Please give yourself credit. Not every 72-year-old would travel 900 miles to help her mother and give her sister a break. Your mother may not be able to take in what it means to travel 900 miles out of your way to care for her, but I do. I will bet everyone who participates in this forum can appreciate what you do. Stick with your family; your mother's troubles will straighten out as her dementia progresses.
Please don't feel that you have to please everyone. The people who should come first are the husband you pledged to love for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. You're doing something wonderful for your daughter when you care for her children. Don't let your mother guilt you into doing something you would ultimately regret.
She has lived a long life and done things her way. Now is YOUR time, to enjoy your own family. She wants you to help preserve her "illusion of independence". It's an illusion because it's not real - she is NOT independent. She needs others (right now, you and your sister) for this whole illusion to work. That is simply not your job or your sister's job. Bless you both for what you have already done for her.
When you are the one that needs help from others, you don't get to call the shots. You are no longer the one in charge. That is a bitter pill for self-centered people to take, so they refuse to do so. Your mother doesn't care what effect her care is having on you and sis. She is only seeing her own needs. Whether that is dementia or just a lifelong self-centered philosophy, doesn't really matter.
I would NOT try to reason with her. She will not, or is incapable, of seeing your point of view. So don't even try. Just state what you are willing to do. That's it. That's all she gets from you. Sis will need to do the same. Then, with those boundaries in place, you can outline to her what her choices are. They should NOT involve you or sis continuing to be her nearly full-time hands-on caregivers. Those days are over, and she has limited options. This isn't cruel, it's just a fact. You and sis have lives to live too, and she will never see your needs.
Many great suggestions here. I thought MargaretMcKen had some good ones about using the answering machine or voicemail and responding on YOUR schedule. If it's emergency and she can't reach either one of you? She should call 911. Groceries, medication can be ordered and delivered. Cleaning service can come and keep her place clean. Senior transportation can take her to doctor visits. These are not your and sis' duties. You can help set it up, but she is responsible if she is truly independent. If this is all too much for her, then she needs some sort of assisted living, whether in her home or a facility.
Also, having your own "injury" (real or fabricated) that prevents this hands on care is good. Let's face it, in your 70s, injuries that affect your physical capability aren't all that unusual, right? Back, hip, knee and heart issues are very common in the 70s. It's time to watch out for your own health, so YOU can be truly independent as long as possible.
And please don't you or sis feel guilty. I can assure you, your mother doesn't feel one ounce of guilt about what she is doing to you. Good luck, and please let us know how things go.