Mother told me that I needed to, “Buck up”...
I have posted my story before, but it has gotten markedly worse.
Both parents with movement disorders, living almost 2 hours away from me. Many rehab stays from falls, strokes, heart attack. I am only child.
They would never consider assisted living, said would rather die.
They hired 6 caregivers who are: on disability, getting money under the table, etc. some have been bold enough to repeatedly ask my father to give/sell them their land.
I have tried to abide by their wishes.
I love them, and although they are selfish, I tried to accommodate their wants.
Its been 6 years. I have had aggressive breast cancer, and cannot lift and push them.... I have ongoing health issues and can’t take care of myself because of all this and the constant stress. Both are way past assisted living, but still mostly mentally competent. Now, caregivers have pitted one parent against the other, possible theft.... I am getting messages and calls constantly with them all tattling on one another with my mother in the mix. I have had no life for years.
I have an 18 year old son who has been diagnosed with epilepsy and was hospitalized last week.... who cannot drive and I need to be here, now and long term for him.
I can’t take care of myself and work my part time job and field their overwhelming needs, wants, appointments..... my mother told me last night that I needed to “buck up”.
My heart is broken, and I just can’t live up to their expectations. I would never put my child in this kind of position.
I know so many of you deal with so much.... I guess I just needed to vent.
I am a person of faith, and I have prayed so often for the Lord to shed light on what to do with this mess.
Maybe a call to adult protective services would help. You really don't need this stress with your health problems. What energy you have should be going to you and son. Explain to APS you cannot care for them your own health is bad as is your sons.
You may just have to allow something bad to happen that ends one of your parents in the hospital. Then have your parent evaluated while they are there.
They have 6 caregivers. One of them should be able to get them to appts, etc.
You will just need to stand firm. Tell them you just can't be at their beck and call at this point. They need to use their aides. You need to be there for ur son and tend to your own health problems because .... you have no one to depend on but yourself and then hang up.
They are quite possibly on radar for adult protective services- I’ve had a current caregiver and a friend offer to call. The guilt would be immense... but I just can’t do it anymore. All the paperwork- a will, POA, etc they dragged their feet on and now want me to set myself on fire to get it done yesterday.
Thank you for your kindness,
& for responding.
Moving to desert island sounds lovely.
Getting a room at Motel 6 and throwing away my phone sounds just as good..
I can’t take it anymore.
They ask about me and my son, but really are very selfish.
I am in financial shambles from the cancer and the constant running and only being able to work part time. Had the oncologist 2 years ago tell me reducing stress was paramount or the cancer will come back as incurable stage 4.
The stress from mom and dad is never-ending. When I tell them... they nod and ask me when I’m going to the store.
I have to be here for my son....
thank you for tangible ways to move forward.
Remember you have to take care of yourself now. Make yourself the priority while you heal. Are you seeking chemo & radiation for your breast cancer?
Keep that situation 2 hours away!
As stayed above, sometimes things are just out of our hands with our senior parents and we need to go on with our life (waiting for the crisis or “event”) to our elders & then sort the care of our elders out one way or another.
There’s a lot going on with you right now! I say the priority is you & your well being and that of your immediate family ( your son with the new diagnosis of epilepsy). Be Momma Bear for him while making sure you can get your recoup time as well.
Your parents sound as if a SNF is in their future if they are way past the “AL” care tier. Thank goodness for those 6 caregivers as well! Try not to let them suck you into their negativity. You pay well for their services and luckily take good care of your parent.
Good luck!
The situation with the land is that in VA in order to be eligible for eventual Medicaid spend down the land has to be sold at fair market value. If not, mom and dad would be penalized.
They are definitely vulnerable- especially my dad- and that is why the 2 caregivers ask about it, thinking they will get it for next to nothing.
😕 I am not sure how some people sleep at night....
I have been through much chemo, radiation and targeted drugs and am considered “no evidence of disease “
but have many scares and checks and ongoing scans due to suspicious
nodules in my lungs, and an enlarged liver.
It will be hard to live with the guilt of not being at their beckon call, but I just can’t do it any longer.
Evrn if I was well and my son was not facing these issues, this is overwhelming.
Thank you for your kindness.
Take their advice (your parents I mean) and BUCK UP.
BUCK UP to YOUR situation.
BUCK UP to your sons dilemma.
BUCK UP to YOUR needs and health.
They obviously do not listen when you tell them.
Do the same to them when they call.
example.
Mum/dad "I need, I want, you need to come etc"
You (ignore what they have just said. "I see (mum/dad), well I really have to go now as I have an appointment with my Oncologist/doctors/hospital (Lie if you have to)" I will speak to you again next week"
"Love you, take care. x x x"
Then go and do anything you want to, need to, or indeed do nothing.
Do something nice that you have not been able to do for ages, Relax!
Go have an ice cream in the park, sit on a seat, smell the flowers.
YOU and yours MUST be first.
Now go and have nice cup of tea (I am a Brit lol )
Take care and keep coming here, it help. No one will judge you my dear.
Buzzy
Guilt implies that you did something wrong and from all I've read you have done nothing wrong on that front. It is a manipulation tool and has obviously worked for many years, time to buck up and get over it.
I think what Margaretmcren wrote is spot on, you are not buying or taking the property, you are placing a lien so that it can not be sold or transferred without your knowledge. It is a really good idea.
As long as you participate in their chosen drama they are in control, it is okay to not answer their calls and to not be at their beck and call, you have worries that you need to focus on, are you willing to die so they can have it all there own way? Cuz, that's going to be the reality of you don't step out of their mind f%#k games. No guilt, you did not do this and you can not fix it. Choices and consequences!
Hugs for strength to buck up and step out of their bs.
I also agree with simply saying you have an appointment, must go, will call you next week, etc.
You are in an extremely difficult situation, Murphy24, and none of it is of your own making. I can understand you feeling overwhelmed, worried, tired, and scared. But guilt? Where on earth is that coming from? None of this is your fault. Guilt should have no part in this.
I know that it is really easy to advise someone to give up the guilt, and not so easy to accomplish that! But try very hard to push the guilt way to the back of your mind and to make your decisions based in love (for all 4 of you) and logic.
I think the others who have posted are right ... it is time to back off being solely in charge of your parents welfare.
Take control of your life, You have to take care of yourself before you can really help anyone else and believe that.
Best to you
One more point for your consideration. In the midst of all this care for my mom, my daughter suddenly passed away after years of chronic illness. I wish I had helped her more instead of often putting my mother ahead of her. I'll never know if it might have saved her life, and I have to live with that. Mom is in her 90s now, 8 years later, and I still struggle with the loss of my child and probably always will. I hope this never happens to you, but I offer it as a hard-learned lesson in priorities.
I was surprized to learn a few years ago that abuse takes a great many forms, beyond physical and sexual. Their refusal to recognize that you and your son's health are important is a form of abuse.
If they lose their property, it will be because of their own actions.
Start slowly, if needed, but stop taking their calls, stop visiting. Perhaps for a day, then a week then longer. Concentrate on your health and your sons. Start working more hours, now that you no longer will be at their beck and call. Take time for fun. I am sure fun has not been on your horizon for a long time. Rekindle friendships, start living your life for yourself.
Minor children, ill children of any age, spouse, self, elder parents.
Your parents were/are competent adults who had an opportunity to plan for their elder years. If they didn't plan, that's not on your head.
Ditch the guilt.
"I love them, and although they are selfish, I tried to accommodate their wants."
and look what has happened to you and also what is happening to your son. You can't chalk his problems up to then but he must be a priority in your life now. You need to be in better shape to care for him and yourself. Love yourself and him at least as much as you love your parents.
"My heart is broken, and I just can’t live up to their expectations"
No, you can't, as their expectations are out of sight and will continue to be. Their game is to get all your attention, to make themselves the center of your universe. They are not mentally/emotionally healthy people and should not be running your life. Give yourself space for your heart to heal. Distance and detach from them.
Wean yourself off of your parents problems. They have caregivers and are mentally competent, if not balanced, Their monkeys, their circus - not yours,
Other here have made good suggestions. Nowhere does God say to subject yourself to your parents or to anyone, till you have a mental and physical breakdown. . Honouring them does not mean being a slave to them, Love others as you love yourself. He does say that parents should not provoke their children.
I have a narcissistic mother so I know it is hard to deal with the demands and guilt but you can. Many here have done it. You can start taking steps in the right direction now. ((((((hugs)))))
Dear Murphy,
Based on my experiences with my mom, I do not think your mother understands her situation or yours.
And, it sounds as though you are not in any position to control or influence your parents decisions.
Your good health is precious. As painful as it is, I encourage you to begin stepping away from the constant phone calls (for a long while I would get 40-100 calls a day).
Find a way to re-calibrate where you focus your energy - placing more on your well-being. Choose logically, not emotionally (or with guilt), the things you can do to be of help to your parents. Set priorities and boundaries on what you think is most important to help them with.
Your mother seems to have no grasp of what is happening and how it affects you. Her comment may have been well-intended (their generation endured a lot, often with little choice). But, it sounds as though she is cannot see the toll things are taking on you.
I learned, after years of hurt and resentment, that my mom could no longer see her situation or anyone else’s. The demands she made of me were entirely unreasonable and have cost a great price in my health, my finances and my family’s well-being.
Show yourself some kindness and find ways to step back. To be brutally honest, dementia and the aging process only lead in one direction - a downhill progression for the loved one and an uphill battle for the caregiver. Your parents’ needs will escalate, and you will want the physical and emotional reserves to help them.
Pkease take care of yourself. With best wishes to you.