My mom just passed away, I was her primary caregiver and I feel so horrible now. I used to get so mad at her all the time and told her things she didn't deserve. She had sundown and it was hard in the nights I also struggle to keep my job so many called off work. I finally had to take FMLA for 3 months. Our relationship was hard since my mom was detached and had favorites. I don't know why at the end I was so upset, I used to throw in her face the stuff she did to me when I was younger and her lack of caring. I always felt I had to be the one to always call her and be there for her. I had lots of resentment. My mom couldn't walk but she refused to use the diaper and I had to use all my strength to take her to the toilet and give her showers. I think I failed as a daughter, as a human being and a professional since I'm a caregiver and work in a hospital. I should had been more understanding of her needs and her pain. She didn't want me to lay her down for good so she had to use the diaper and I didn't get her up anymore and I think she died cause she lost all hope. Sometimes I think I helped and killed her. I was there till the end and kept her clean and fed but now all those moments when I shout at her and the things I told her feel like knives on my heart. I'm so sad everyday and I am not enjoying anything anymore. Guilt is with me 24 hours a day. I feel so down for being mean to her. I think I need help with this. I been grieving since she died March 2020.
Thank you
You are a human being with limitations who did the best you can. Giving up on guilt means you have to pass into the grieving and loss.
You had a life long relationship with your Mom. You cared for your Mom. I bet there were a FEW times the two of you frustrated one another. She knew you and you knew her.
As to her giving up, they get tired. You work in health care, so I know you have seen that more than once. They don't so much give up as they just get so exhausted by it, and just want peace at some point.
I hope this is a phase you can move through, so you an celebrate what was good, mourn what was bad, understand your Mom and you BOTH were only human beings doing the best you could. Parent and child relationships are some of the very most fraught, even in the BEST of circumstances.
There is no one of us who didn't, in care-giving have frustrations, and instead of expressing our OWN fear, exhaustion, limitations, confusions did instead lash out. Hopefully we later said "I am sorry". It goes a long way. We will remember it. We will have to live with it. I still remember just about the single "mean thing" I ever said to my bro when I said "You and I are SUCH control freaks; we would have been just FINE if life hadn't got messy, but (expletive, expletive, expletive) THIS is MESSY!" I was out of line. Afraid. Frustrated. Exhausted. I was a human. I know wherever he is, if he is sentient at all he not only forgave me long ago, but is giggling about it a bit.
Consider trying to get some help so someone can help you comb out your feelings. If you were a bad person you would not be thinking about any of this at all. You just proved you are not bad. Psychotics don't sweat meanness.
My sincere sympathy to you and your family as you grieve the loss of your mom back in March. I'm glad you have "good times" to remember even though it's hard at this time.
I'm so sorry you are suffering such immense pain and guilt as you grieve the loss of your mom. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as well as twelve steps in the grief process - one of them being "grievers suffer guilt feelings." You undoubtedly are in that step as well as the "depression" stage. Everyone grieves differently and there is no timetable for any one of the stages or steps. You seem surprised that you have been grieving since she died in March - you've barely hit the six-month mark from a full year of "firsts." Don't try to rush through the grief - it won't work. Allow yourself all the time you need to begin healing. Don't look at it as something to "get over" because you don't. It's a part of you and your life now.
Someone would have to be "perfect" or "nearly perfect" to never get mad, never say wrong things in the heat of the moment, never get frustrated or never have resentment. There's an old saying "hurt people - hurt people." You said your relationship with her was hard because she was detached and had her favorites. It's very difficult to be a caregiver under those circumstances but, you did it anyway - you were there till the end, kept her clean and fed her. Try to focus on that. Ask yourself who would have been there for her if you hadn't. Would there have been anyone?
You said you don't know why at the end you were so upset. Maybe because you realized that the kind of mother/daughter relationship you wished you could have had would not come to fruition. You have been carrying all that "stuff" from when you were younger - things you weren't able to discuss with her in a beneficial way in order to try and resolve those issues. If your mom was detached, she herself must have been carrying her own pain and that spilled over into her life as a mother - you taking the brunt of it. Those issues were there long before you were born. I know you would have liked to have had a more "give and take" in the relationship but, it didn't happen.
Just like "gladimhere" expressed, going from caregiving in the hospital where you worked and then going home and doing more is what most of us have never done. You never got a break from situation to situation. I'm glad you took a three-month FMLA - you need that!
If you truly did fail as a daughter, you wouldn't have been with her until the end. If you failed as a human being and a professional working in a hospital as a caregiver, you wouldn't have been able to help anybody. But, that's not the case. You have given of yourself tirelessly.
Let me assure you the fact that you feel so down for being mean tells me you have the ability to look deep within and admit the imperfections we all have.
When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 89 and we had to move her to an ALF, I had a lot of frustration, resentment and I was angry at the diagnosis. I was not very nice or patient. Do I feel guilt? Of course I do and always will but, I have to change my mindset and look at the positive things I've done since that time. What you are experiencing is normal. You are expecting way too much from yourself right now. Yes, you are sad everyday and yes, you're not enjoying anything anymore - your grieving. When my dad passed away in 2004, I didn't even like the sun to shine or the birds to sing. Was it because I don't like the sunshine or birds singing? No, I was just in such deep grief that those things "didn't feel right to me."
Lastly, you did not help in killing her. When it's our time to leave this earth, we - will - leave - this - earth. Nothing or no one can stop it from happening.
I hope you will seek out some grief counseling even if you only read a book. I had bought a couple of books and each night I would climb into bed and read. I did support groups briefly and then I had counseling with hospice who provided it for a year. I will pray for you to have peace in your heart - take care!
You’re being hard on yourself for being human, for succumbing to the expectation that you have of yourself to being able to fix all of your mom’s problems. I beat myself up a lot trying to fix my Mom’s problems, but she had chf and vascular dementia and it just wasn’t going to get better.
Forgive yourself. You did the best that you could.
My mom passed in March, I am trying to remember the good times and not the last 2 years of decline. So very 😔
You didn't do anything wrong, we all get frustrated and just want to scream sometimes. It isn't fair that our folks have to live so long. Not like it used to be.
Take it easy on yourself. Mom hasn't been gone that long. Have you found grief support? Churches and hospice are two possibilities. If you think anonymous support would work better for you, there are online groups. Have you sought therapy, I recommend it for you.