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Shoot, I hit send too soon.

Today, she forgot how to turn the ceiling fan off and said it must be broken. I stood up and pulled the chain - fan off! She said, "Oh...I guess I was pulling the wrong chain" - so it never dawned on her to try the other chain - just stood there and kept pulling the wrong one.

I hate this for her. It's these little things that the rest of the family (one sibling in particular) doesn't see and brushes under the rug, because they don't want to believe Mom is aging and the decline is progressing more rapidly these days. The one sibling asks if Mom reads, or keeps her mind active. Yes, of course she does - I make sure she has books, magazines, and her senior newspaper - I pay for the subscriptions myself - and she reads them, but says often that she can't seem to focus for very long and would rather watch tv.
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Veronica - no offense, but a sponge bath is *not* just as good. Mom is just over 300lbs - she has skin folds and areas that are *very* difficult to reach with a sponge bath. I refuse to cave in to that until she is no longer able to get into a tub or shower. She refuses to let me help her wash, and she cannot reach all of her necessary areas anymore due to her weight. I am doing all I can to help, but if she won't let me help her wash, then a shower at least gets water into those areas and rinses them down. Daughter52 - you understand exactly what I'm saying - if Mom doesn't wash at least every other day and put a protective cream in certain areas of her body, she ends up developing a yeast infection on her skin in those folds and the odor is enough to make you gag - not kidding. If you've never experienced that, you have no idea - it's BAD. If it's let go long enough, the skin will break open, and there's a huge risk for infection - and then she'll end up in the hospital. So by insisting that she shower and take care of these things, I really do have her best interest at heart.

Mom *did* shower yesterday, after we really had it out over the shower issue. This is *not* a case of being afraid of water, small spaces or anything else - it's part of the encroaching dementia - the loss of interest in doing things she normally would do as part of her daily routine. She simply doesn't care to shower, and it's difficult (too much work) to lift her legs and get into the shower (I do help with that) - so she doesn't want to do it. After a very long talk, during which both of us broke down in tears - me in frustration because all I want is for her to be healthy (part of which is being CLEAN), and she because she felt I was being too hard on her about the shower thing, which she sees as a non-issue - she finally understood that all I was trying to do is what is best for her.

I felt like a wrung out dishrag at the end of that one.

Today, though - my nephew said at breakfast (Mom wasn't there) that before I moved in w/Mom, the house "smelled really bad", and that no one wanted to visit. Now, he said, it smells nice in there! The smell before I moved in was from the open sores on Dad's legs that weren't being cared for, and lack of showering by both Mom and Dad. I count that as a major victory.
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Got the full bath and prettiest gown on today and used good old soap..the foaming rinseless kind is ok but when I bathe her I like to use the soap...takes a little extra time and have to make sure I get all the soap residue off, but Mama really enjoys that good feeling I think...she's ready for the day...I look like crapola..but that's ok....when I am here alone I can just pull the curtains and if brother is here, he can entertain....think I'll have another cup of coffee and then get me a nice hot bath....easing up on myself is helping a LOT......
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well , my tobacco is getting a little dry , thats always a small irritant .
otherwise i dont have a fuss this am . gonna have more coffee and go see edna . poa is giving me a little hassle but im staying focused ; ednas QOL near her end of life . family always gets emotional and lashes out during these times . aint gonna let it bother me .
themmmmn ,
themmmmn,
f themmmnn..

lol
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You are right on that one SusanA43. The dislike of showers and love of TV are common. Today is "Shower Day" again and I am expecting "the look" when I tell her. Unfortunately, mom sweats and develops a not so nice smell if I don't. I am currently getting an evaluation for in home care services. It would be nice if they would get someone to come in and take over that one for me and then I would be free of the shower fight.
Also I do try to get her away from the tv too but it's her go to.
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Just a little whine. I am sitting here trying to concentrate and hubby comes in turns on the TV and my train of thought is trashed.
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Susan why bother a good spong bath works just as well.
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SusanA43, I wonder if some people start having a fear of being in a small place, like a shower stall.... I now I have developed that phobia and I found if I left the sliding glass doors open at both ends, it does help a bit. Never had that problem when using a shower curtain. Very strange.
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Kaz have a pint or 6 for me!!
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I"m a little late replying, but Kazaa, trust me - Mom's not afraid of water. She's told me more than once when we had the shower discussion that she just doesn't feel like getting in there. I know it's hard to get in and out of the tub, but I am right there to help her every time, to be sure she doesn't fall, and I lift her leg in and out of the tub so she doesn't have to step over. I think it's just part of the dementia process - she's lost interest in a lot of things she used to do, and prefers to just sit here and watch tv, and if I never made her shower again, she'd be happy as a clam.
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Well ive gathered up a few pennies and am off out for a few drinks with a friend hope its a good night as i could do with a laugh right now! i havnt been out in a pub since xmas?? mums fed watered and cleaned!! Yep im going to get a bit drunk and forget about my troubles tonight!!
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Kaz...yep, sick of hearing other folks bitch about how rough they have it....because none of it seems to stop em from visiting, going on trips, buying whatever they want whenever they want it, getting to get up and get dressed and go somewhere without having to worry about who is going to watch someone back home...boo damn hoo......this MIL makes it especially bad as she and her daughter aka ex SIL are the two people who totally disrespected my family the entire time my brother and she were married. I have told my brother and told him why in hell does this woman think we want her here...sad truth is she is now getting senile, I can tell it and I honestly think she may have forgotten what a bitch she was to us..and especially to my Mama...I have blown her out of the water more than once but she keeps coming back....so now will do what I did the other day, just go to my room and take a nap....It has taken my brother almost three years to see the toll this is taking on me, but isn't worrying him enough to take any of the toll off me either....Normally I would be out int he yard today, mowing, pruing weeding, etc...I have decided it is too stinking hot and I am not going to do any of it...whatever doesn't get done in the house is OK too....one of my friends just sent me a note that says "God loves the caregiver".....I started to send back several responses, and finally just didn't do anything...in my heart I know that is true...but we also know God loves us all, including the do nothing back stabbers who abandoned our butts a long time ago...so right now all that is somewhat mystifying to me....other than trying to take care of Mama, I don't see a lot of accomplishment in this day for me...whine, whine, whine..sorry folks...some days are just worse than others I guess.
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Yep, Daphne ( my dog) is very in tune with ma. I let mom do what she will with Daphne. I lost that battle long ago. Daph is 12 and very much a girly dog. However, my rescue girl I got 5 months ago is MY dog and I do not allow mom to coddle her. She's 80 lbs of love and enthusiasm and can knock you flat!! Besides, I need to keep something that is mine, just mine!! Mine mine mine! DO NOT TOUCH or FEED!! MINE! hehehe
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jeannette B that poor dog!! so funny but i reckon my cat knows mums nuts hes always following her in the garden like "whats she up to now?" so funny im sure the dog knows shes not with it!! animals are so in tune with people its funny!
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Hope we all feel the "darkness" at times in this game! BUT there is no light without darkness! so just know that one day your life will be full of light again! I think we have to go through crap in life just to appreciate how good life can be and make the most of it! Ive done things like you if there are visitors which is rare? i just leave the house i dont want small talk im not in the mood AND ill tell you now if anyone came here hoping to dump thier "im not happy crap" on me id boot them out the door! as Jack nicholas says in "as good as it gets" "were all stacked up here!!!" love that line! You must have great patience i would not entertain ex MIL telling you her problems? if my friends moan i change the subject or avoid them thier pissy little moans are nothing compared to what im going through so im not a good listener these days!
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Very true Veronica!! It's these little things I'm so grateful for!! LOL!
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So true...ignore the stupid and find the sunshine...I love it! I think that is why I've retreated into my own little world again...the people out there are mostly idiots...I'd rather just not deal with them...I told Hospice if they could not come at a time that actually helped me, there is no point in the bath aid coming at all. They didn't come this week after that...said they were going to start on Monday coming early. we will see. I am keeping my blinds fixed today so I can see approaching and also ignore any of the ones I don't want. I have gotten the household settled down for a spell, so I think I am headed for a nice hot bath with my Daffodil Apple bubbles...that is the bright spot in my day these days....
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At least she gives you clues rather than potty in the garbage can!!!!!!!!
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Totally agree hope22!!! It does usually fall on ONE person (normally a female) and people DO tend to assume if you have a large family that you've got all the help in the world. NOT!! Funny how people tend to disappear when you most need them. I'm thinking there is a lot of stupid idiots out there.... clueless people fer shur. Personally, I find it so much easier without my siblings around. Life is quieter ... I can make my own decisions and go about doing what needs done. Not to mention it keeps my crazy level down.

Why is it, our mother's at times, find our ailments funny? My mom did the same laughing bit yesterday at the Dr's office. Her blood pressure is awesome. Mine is about to explode at any moment. Seriously. Anywho, she laughed and said ha ha mine is better than yours. *smirk* well that *smirk* quickly faded when I told her if I had a heart attack or stroke her next stop was a nursing home cuz her precious sonnnnsssss where damn sure not going to do what I do. HA!

Get your happy back hope22....life seems easier when you ignore the stupid and find sunshine. Speaking of sunshine and summer.... it can be 98 degrees outside and someone I won't mention will wear a sweatshirt and jacket. I finally had to hide her knit hat cuz I swear she'd wear that too!! Last night she must have been cold (I'm sweating buckets) so what does she do? She piles blankets, shirts, socks... on top of the DOG!! LOL!! She likes to project her feelings/wants onto the dogs . hehe... this is how I know what SHE wants. If she says the dogs are probably hungry, it means she is.... if the dogs have to go potty, she means she does.... never a dull moment trying to put the puzzle together :D
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One semi comical incident this past Sunday .....my brother had dropped by for his weekly visit and I have just learned to try and enjoy those. He does bring my lunch and the conversation is pleasant enough...We were sitting there enjoying Mama and all of a sudden, I'll be danged if here his ex mother in law was standing there at the door...as usual, dropping in....so in she came....all dressed to the nines..as always...and started up with her usual whining about how hard her life is....THEN, I'll be danged if here didn't roll up one of my brother's friends, in his fancy ass convertible sports car...dressed to the nines, wearing shades...looking like Richard Gere in American Gigolo, and here I sat, in my loungewear, no makeup, hair not even combed, thank God I had bathed, but you know what? I didn't want to deal with it so I just got up, told my brother "deal with em" and I went to bed. Didn't come out til everyone was gone and let my brother take care of Mama til I got back up...that may just start happening a lot more....looking back it was almost like a Seinfeld episode......
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helpontheway...yes, thank you! on a very positive note, the dentist came out yesterday afternoon, looked at Mama's teeth, told me the one that was broken appeared OK, no inflammation and apparently no issue...the one that is loose, he said, is not compared to so many he sees in the elderly and he did not think it would ever be a problem for her, especially as she is on a totally liquid diet and does not chew...he told me that if it was his mom he would just let it be..which seems to be the consensus of what I am hearing, but he also said if we decided to have it removed, he would COME TO OUR HOME and do so....thank you God! yes, it made me feel hopeful just knowing there are actually some good caring folks still in the health care industry... so that was a very positive moment...and so I will live on that one for a while...
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I think I have finally figured out it doesn't necessarily mean you come from a bad family, a family of weirdos, mean folks, do gooders or whether it is a huge family or just a few, it ALWAYS seems to fall on ONE person to do it all...and I too HATE it when folks assume with their stupid "can't you get so and so to do it? " wth .....why heck no I can't ....if I could do you think I'd really be this po'd and crazy by now? My ultimate conclusion is that unless and until you have physically taken care of someone 24/7 who is totally bedfast you will NEVER understand the absolute and total insanity that frequents my soul. I am often ashamed at myself for feeling like such a worn out and utter failure and then at the same time, I KNOW without a doubt not one single one of the blasted bible thumping holier than thous that permeate my family would still be able to do this with as much grace or composure as I am...And I also know they would not have done it in the first place, but they sure would have stopped a long time ago.....I am also learning to not take it personally when Mama laughs at me at the most innapropriate times...yesterday, while changing her, I literally felt..and heard something pop in my shoulder...it hurt like hell. I screamed out and she just started laughing up a storm...I know that is normal with dementia..it used to make me angry, but I try to suck it up and go on..but if I am being honest I think it still makes me mad...why is that when i know she can't even help it........the other day, when I finally gave in to the dark side and just had to accept that for now I am not going to be that great to be around all the time, I kind of went off on social media and changed my normally happy go lucky personal picture to a picture of total darkness, except for a few stars...because that is where I am at right now...I feel totally alone...I know that God is around....it sure feels like sometimes He's kind of busy doing other stuff though....but one of my idiot high school friends who KNOWS my situation and who, by the way, bragged about how they were taking in her Dad, turned a den into a bedroom for him, on and on it went...and he is still of complete sound mind, able to go dancing at the local church social....took her all of one and a half months to put his ass in AL.....and they didn't have to stay home and be with him, just moved him in with them and in a month a half his butt was gone...and she would msg me about how fed up she was within two weeks of his being there....but her comment on my new profile picture was... "beautiful".....REALLY???? I was saying, without saying it...my soul at present is in a place of utter and complete darkness...and the bitch is saying "beautiful" stupid idiot....
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ASSA im off now for a walk and a coffee somewhere? its my escape! costing me a fortune in coffees but keeping me saine! its nice to meet normal people and have a normal conversation with strangers whove no idea what youre going through? i just put on my happy face and none knows the crap in your life!!
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mums in the middle of a dispute with her sister she wants to visit but mum dosnt want her to? im been dragged into it but dont want to know anymore. My aunt is nuttier than my mum and selfish the last time she visited last year she expected me to wait on her? i just want to stay under the duvet until its all over!
I can see my mums point so i snap and tell her "whats the problem if you dont want her to come then say so?" but mum just goes on and on and on about all the things my aunt has done to her in the past 70yrs? enough already!
I want to run naked out of here and just keep going until i find some peace! im now just wondering just how long more can i hang in here? my fortune teller said alot will be sorted by september? thats not far away BUT it feels like ten years away! my court case is in October so please god it goes my way and then i can finally start to make plans i am now just trying hard to concentrate on ME and getting fit again ive started cycling again and my legs are like bricks!! but i can feel a bit better fitness wise i just have to keep it up when im not out of breath after my ride ill now im getting there! its a hard job to look after a dementia patient its HARDER to look after yourself because you can get so depressed and lose motivation! i had a holiday to look forward to which helped so i got to keep going keep planning ahead more wkends away take up a hobby i may do spanish lessons anything to stop me cracking up? i went to the free courses board last week and the only thing available course wise was a forklift truck driver course PUT ME DOWN i said anything to get out of here and do something? HA! who knows maybe my future will be driving a forklift?? the woman looked at me funny? i said your not sexist are you i mean its ok for a woman to drive a forklift? yeh im losing it!!! cant wait to pick up boxes with my forklift! may come in handy here for picking up mums depends!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god help us all!
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Assa! hang in there! ive just done my angel cards and it keeps coming up "show more compassion" i try i do really try but waking up everyday like "groundhog day" to constant moaning and negativity sucks your energy! i want my life back and to be around happy shiny people!!!!!
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So tired of everything... Tired of the whining, tired of effing waiting for Mom to get out of bathroom, get dressed, finish eating, forget making a decision!!! If I hear it's cold one more time! It's friggin July in Massachusetts!!! It's summer for God's sake...Moan, moan,moan, moan....

Dementia sux!!!!
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assholes on the roads are busy looking out for me . i WILL stick em in the fence if the forget about the buffer zone ..
this aint mine and ikes first rodeo ..
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Woohoo!! ive just won 4 euros on the lotto!! see not such a bad day! ah lifes not so bad!
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We know you were kidding! youve had your fair share of whining on here! id much rather be cramming stumps through a splitter all day than clean up things here! ah youre getting old and crabby you need LOVE and a good meal!!! have a great time in chicaggy as mum calls it! told her you were going and shes jealous she loved it there! and stay safe watch out for assholes on the roads! i always think "bike" when im driving but then im a good driver!!
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i was only kidding earlier . i guess youd have to cram stumps thru a log splitter all day , come home feeling youve been run thru a log splitter then sit down and crack open the whine thread to get the joke .
crappy joke i reckon .
you guys elbow deep in caring for crazy elders need to whine .
i wish everyone good luck and a better evening / weekend ..
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