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Everyone says to pick your battles, but it's hard to figure out which ones sometimes. Ha! It's a battle to figure out which battles!
Like my mother's gardeners. They don't call me back, they don't do what needs to be done. When I was whining to my husband about it, he was so angry, he advised me not to do the work that they should be doing. But the problem won't be solved that way, and I don't have time to let them go, then find replacements, and so on. So I just make the 6 hour r/t drive, take time off work, make several trips to get hundreds of pounds of gravel because I don't have a truck, and do it myself. Sheesh!!!
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Glad when my mother could not manage alone any longer I quit my career, sold m,y home and moved to take care of her. She's had parkinsons for 15 years, dementia for about 6 or 7, had many strokes and broke a hip a number of years ago.

With so many health issues and continued deterioration, after four years it was clear I couldn't care for her 24/7/365 any more and after a really bad fall (again - 2 a.m.. blood everywhere, called an ambulance) which put her in hospital she went into the NH 18 months ago. Since then she's had another stroke and broken the other hip. She's 88, bed ridden, eats little, can barely speak and the dementia is severe. She's just a shell now, slowly fading away but she's in no pain and mostly sleeps.

She's had the very best of everything her whole life, though she wouldn't lift a finger to help her parents or anyone else for that matter, so she's had a good kick at the can. I don't know how much longer she can continue. Could be days, weeks or even a few months. Just go day by day.
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looloo thanks...I do feel like I end up aiming crap at myself that ought to hit someone else between the eyes. I am STILL dealing with our tooth issue...and I already called the manager today to discuss what I NEED..otherwise, it is more trouble than worth re the bathing....and turns out I didn't have to be ugly to get it done, just did it...

Captain..haha.....now I am a fan of the hair clipping shears myself. I cut Mama's hair all the time...I think you absolutely have the right approach, let em hoot and holler and then when they go do what you want to do to help your loved one and yourself...I also cancelled today's bath appointment..by the time she got here it was going to be right in the middle of mama's nap and so that is zero help..and if it's no help then what's the point...the nursing is great, the provider is great...I can live without the bathing aid unless it's someone who is an actual help...now I feel better....
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What makes me resentful is that my mom didn't care for any of their parents and she didn't ever work outside the home. So she has no clue how little time you have when you're doing both things. I cringe when I hear the words "I need..." or "swing by.....". I've told her if I can't get it at Target or online, it's not happening.
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lol , hope .
control freak .. i visited edna today . nurse kindly told me they were going to get ednas bangs clipped out of her eyes next week . mr control freak with the scissors in his back pocket said " thats just great " and smiled in agreement .
we got caught right after lunch . edna sitting perfectly still with her eyes closed and me trimming hair .
" dorreen " gave me free lunch again , nobody was surprised by the hair trim and they all learned what ive been sayin . just work around poa . shes thick between the ears ..
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frequentflyer -- yeah, I get that they are simply unwilling to adjust, and their reasons/excuses are the same thing, every day, and nothing you say will change their attidude. My mother has been saying for a month now, since she lost her license (but still drives -- YES, we're taking the are away Saturday, it's the soonest we can get down there -- and she could well decide never to speak to me again, which wouldn't be the worst thing), "I'll be a PRISONER in my own HOME!!!!" I tell her over and over and OVER, "I don't think so. You have regular transportation twice a week (it'll be 3 times starting next week), and you have a community service that you can all any other time. And you have your neighbor, who takes you out at least once a week. Everything is fine."
She doesn't hear me, because she refuses to listen. She wants what she wants. Well, guess what? I get to be the evil daughter from h*ll in a few days, and will take her car away before she gets arrested, in an accident, someone gets hurt, she gets sued, etc....
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Hope, you sound a lot like me, with the people-pleasing, the fear of imposing on people who are PAID to be there, doing those things. And in your other post, you say you're a control freak, but I don't think that's it at all. You use up every ounce of patience rolling with everyone else's needs and whims.
It took me a full day to get up the nerve to call the home care agency and ask the person in charge to please talk to my mother's care giver, and let her know how important it was that she be more 'take charge' and not be intimidated by my mother. If this person is going to be cowed by my mother, then what good will it do to have her there? I'm doing this pretty much long distance, and I am not able to babysit the caregiver (ARGH!).
Don't belittle yourself, Hope, and wrongly label yourself by saying you're a control freak. You've got to have some REAL, RELIABLE assistance from the people you pay. And you need some real downtime for yourself as well. Don't apologize for that.
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I need to join an AAA for control freaks....I don't know of any...so I will just say...my name is Hope and I am a control freak...and the fact that I no longer have control over anything in life is about to send me hurling myself over the back deck railing.....the sad thing is, I got the caregiving issue down...it gets tiring, but I can do that...no problem....what I hate is all the people..the damn people...the non calling, non appointment keeping people...hate it hate it hate it I guess nothing can be set in stone in this situation...my biggest thing is now that I have got to find a way to roll with the flow or perish...I know folks can't always be on time, but over two hours late and I finally call and discover they decided they would come on Friday instead of today... OK, thanks for letting me know.....
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I have, for the most part, been in touch with my feelings and what makes me tick all of my life. I think I have pushed that back for so long since Mama had her accident, and of recent, I find myself losing my mind every so often, so I feel the need to rant and whine and gripe...so please forgive me and if you don't want to hear it please scroll on past...BUT.....what I hate about caregiving is NOT the caring for my Mama, the laundry, the actual caregiving part of the deal...it is the never ending and constant stream of people popping in on me...I HATE IT....I am such a private person, maybe to the point of being a freak about it, but i literally despise all the d*mn do gooders who THINK I want to see them and even thought hey have been told repeatedly they continue to pop in....Dear Lord in Heaven , I have prayed for wisdom in how to deal with these folks, but doing it the nice way does not work and so I find it necessary to post something on my social media page about it. What is it about people who think you enjoy them just popping in on you???? They don't have a d*mn clue what is involved in caring for someone or they would not do it...there is no telling what I am going to be in the middle of at any time of day, I am normally going to look like hell, most always am gong to feel like hell and most of the time they have the most uncanny knack of catching me right when I finally actually got to eat my breakfast ...sometimes as late as 11;00...or lunch....as late as 3:00 or else they wake me up when I have dared to catch a quick cat nap....sometimes I just want to pain a big d*mn skull and crossbones on the front of the house and a sign that says unless I know you are coming, go the hell away.....
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Veronica, you are right, the respect thing is huge for me...it matters to me, but it matters more that Mama be respected. The aid in question is a nice lady, but anyone who has had someone who is completely unable to lift or turn or anything knows how hard it is to move them. Maybe I'm stronger than I think I am as I learned within two months how to do it without hurting Mama or myself. I surely don't want this sweet lady to get injured on the job, and I don't want to be a complainer, so I have been trying to think and i think what I may do is when she comes and reaches the point where Mama needs to be rolled, I can do that and let the aid bathe her backside. I can change her gown. I would rather have someone who can actually DO it but I am finding that may prove difficult...Our last aid (with the other company) was great, she was tiny but she had no problem handling Mama...it could be the new lady is just not in great health and if so really doesn't need to be moving patients like Mama...it is just so bizarre as Mama is a little lady, but again, being totally incapacitated makes it a whole "nother" story...thinking out loud now, but after typing all this it dawns on me I am actually saying I will hang around to make the aids job easier, which is no help to me at all, and would be less aggravation to just do it myself...I am more and more seeing I am too much of a people pleaser..I guess I just don't want any more drama...I thought I'd give her one more chance today and see how she does. Could have been first time jitters or nerves, we've all been there for sure...but if it is as hard on her, and me, and especially Mama, as it was the other day, then I will either need to change aids or just do it myself...normally I can do it by rolling Mama ONE time, this poor woman had to roll her and roll her and roll her...I honestly don't think she's used to handling patients as helpless as Mama. All I know is she came in all happy and bubbly but it wasn't long before she was winded and huffing and puffing and complaining and it is just wrong for an aid to come in here and complain about taking care of Mama...mercy mercy, I wish I could do things without fearing I am putting folks in a pickle...
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Or maybe it seems the decline is rapid since you are not with her as much?
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Ash,
When did you place your mom? Does her decline seem more rapid in nursing home then when she was home? I think some probably thrive, but like the disease it is different for everyone.
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Someone tried to clean our bathroom mirror. I walked in, looked in the mirror, and it was all white hazed. Don't know who tried to clean it and with what. A simple baby wipes, soaked with water, cleans that mirror. I guess I should be grateful that atleast they tried to do some cleaning.
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I've been through the care giving wringer. My mother is now in a lovely NH nearby, well cared for, clean and safe. She's deteriorating rapidly and sleeps most of the time but thankfully she's in no pain, just fading away. Sometimes I feel I have no business being here at all, considering my thoughts this morning are on my to do list and shall I put laundry out as it looks like rain. As I start to rebuild my life I don't have any whines. All I can offer is comfort and encouragement. I read here every day and my heart goes out to all of you.
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My Dr will not lie to put me on a sick leave or stress leave. I hope that helps to claicy. My The store I work at will not ask other stores in our chain to send another employee to help for vacation coverage.
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Her Her LOL! Yes I can call in sick in Calif...But how would it help me get to Idaho for 3 weeks.
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Well my daughter stays with my doctor because he gave her leave then she went to Idaho but her company didn't pay, only half and that's only because I live in California and didn't push it either. Hehehe. Makes sense don't it?
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Sharyn, do they not allow people to call in sick in California?! I know, daughter is in Idaho, I better get back to sleep a bit goofy yet. 4:20 am here.
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PAMZ-FMLA would cover it if my daughter were a minor. I wish I could calling sick but I live in Calif. I also wish my Dr could put me out on some type of leave but he wouldn't even if I asked. The company is being very thrifty...they could get someone from another store..my store just don't want to push for it.
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Debralee, I like your avatar. I saw it and the first thought that popped into my head: "Stairway to Heaven."

Sharyn, any possibility of finding several someones to cover for you? Anyone who is making part-time hours and would just love to work full time hours - but No Overtime. See first if your work will approve this, though. I can't think of any other options. If you took leave without pay, you might come back without a job. So, that's out.
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Kaz...about your swelling - if you can, wherever you are (u home yet?) get a diuretic - 'scrip I hv is Lasix. Also, lemon juice in like a half cup of water or straight (if you can do it) is a natural diuretic. Keep your feet elevated. Hope this helps (my ankles swell a lot).
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CM can you put some kind of cover or blanket over Mum's chair and one of the waterproof bed pads underneath
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Hope it is all about respect. Respect for Mama and for you. The idea of haveing hospice is that it puts the patient in charge. if there is something the patient does or does not want to do .eat, smoke, take medications, get up stay in bed they make the decision. Well Mama can no longer say what she wants so you are there to do it for her. because that aide has been doing this job for thirty years does not mean she has been doing it well or finding new and better ways to do things. So get in touch with Mama's RN or SW and tell them you think that Mama is too much for this particular aide to manage as she seems to have a lot of difficulty lifting so could they send someone else who is stronger. You would hate this aide to get hurt on the job after so many years of service. sending an aide in is to help you and that means you can run out to the store etc while she is there, that is expected. At the very end yes you may need to cut down the back of clothing or use a gown to avoid as much discomfort as possible but if you can get AMasm'as pretty gowns on alone so can they and it makes you much more comfortable to see her looking pretty.It is so good for you emotionally. Your love for Mama comes through so strongly in everything you post, she must be a wonderful person.
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JeanetteB so sorry about your son and loss of your dad. Reading what you have gone through for 3 years, makes my whine moment so trivial. Thanks for giving me a wake up call that people are going through a lot worse than I am. Now only if I could tape my sisters mouth! LOL
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I agree Debralee, never again shall I tackle such a task. This is my 3rd round and I just cannot ever think of doing it again. First was my son. He had a horrific motorcycle accident, induced coma for weeks, shattered femur's , knee, crushed fingers, head trauma, decapitated thumb and on and on.... it took me an entire year of convalescing him to a point I could come here and help my poor father who was dying of cancer (he was my AD mother's first care taker) he passed 6 months after I arrived, now... it's mom. All this madness in a span of 3 years has left me weary of everything.... that and the garage door fell yesterday, barely missed my SUV but is un-repairable so I need a new one. If my mother didn't blame me for everything she's going through it wouldn't be so bad (HAHA)....
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Dealing with my deceased mother's estate, a probate court system that makes administering an estate a nightmare even with a will and a lawyer to help me and a sister who knows everything about nothing questioning every decision I make as I tackle this thankless job. Never again!!!
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^^^^^ Oh my gosh, I must be really tired, I thought I have proofread my post above a couple of times....

"She and Dad would get in the car 2 or 3 times a day and hit a couple of different grocery stores and buy a couple of items at each one.
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pamzimmrrt, interesting idea but it wouldn't work as the receipt would be from the on-line service, and my parents go over it with a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass.

Looloo and ba8alou, I think my Mom is spoiled when it comes to grocery shopping. She and Dad would get in the 2 or 3 times a day and hit a couple of different grocery stores and pay a couple of items at each one. Dad assumes that since I am female that I must love to shop.... NOT !!!!

One time my parents said they wouldn't know what to do if I couldn't drive them.... I said "well, you'll have to hire a taxi, that is what I will have to do since I no son or daughter to drive me" [I never had any children]. Oh well, that went in one ear and out the other.... [sigh]
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There are some days I am just too tired to even complain. Some days I don't think I can do this any more. Just hope and pray that she stays asleep for a few hours at a time.
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Sharynmarie, do you have FMLA for you or your parents? This is just awful. I work for a place that once refused to grant leave for a guy to go to his son's wedding! Needless to say.. he got quite ill that day.. LOL
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