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Fred, have the online service deliver the groceries to your house.. put them in the dang store bags and drop them off. Maybe a bit of work for you, but You will be the good son and still save some of your sanity
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Captain I do agree with you about stuff in general. But what I hate is how, now she's old, it's like she's not allowed to have nice stuff, or care what she looks like. Why are all the adjustable tables ugly or badly made or both? Why does my SIL think she suddenly likes marked down polyester blouses? Why does the NH serve plastic Cheddar that tastes of nothing? I can't get rid of the feeling that they're all, to one extent or another, thinking that it doesn't matter any more because she'll be dead soon anyway.

Honourable exception: the local salon takes as much trouble over her hair and nails as they do over their younger, much bigger spenders. And since she can't ride pillion or go on safari any more, these things matter.
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What Looloo said. They made their choice. Right now the choice is, you order online or they find someone else who will do their shopping for them. And then leave. It's the only way to keep your sanity, dear.
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Frequentflyer, if you were to say "This is it, Mom. Groceries are coming to you this way, from now on. End of discussion." And if she says one syllable, you say, "I'm leaving now." And leave. Would that work?
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My whine for today.... I use on-line grocery for my own grocery shopping and I think it is great, what a time saver.... but my Mom doesn't like the fresh produce she gets from the same on-line service. The eggs were cracked [I checked them prior to giving her the eggs, none were cracked]. Bananas tasted funny. Potatoes were too small. The expiration date was too short. Yada, yada, yada.

My Mom is doing that to get me back inside the grocery store to shop for her and Dad.... I don't want to do it.... I hate shopping with a passion.... I love the on-line service, all my groceries had been excellent quality. Weird that the service sends my Mom all this bad stuff... guess they see her name on the order and send her just junk :P

Today I left their house in tears, I was just so overwhelmed with this grocery stuff. I even said "tell me what you want me to do, as I just don't have the time to go inside shopping.... tell me, what to do." They couldn't answer me. Of course, Dad will say he will start driving again which sets me off even more.

I did say, "Dad if you and Mom were living at the retirement village, you could go grocery shopping yourselves every single day."

It would be different if I was retired, but I still have my career which I keep for my sanity, but I am a senior citizen myself.... I am tired, too.
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I'm sorry, Sharynmarie. That's awful.
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My whine is...my employer is denying my vacation request so I cant go to Idaho when my first grandsons are born to help my daughter with twins.....
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3pm witching hour? Try Noon for me! Lol .... The alcohol starts around Noon, and by late afternoon I am being yelled at and berated for being an awful daughter. Yes Mom, I take care of you and Dad daily, but of course it's my fault if the meds I so carefully put in the weekly trays gets messed up, it's never you! I'm just a selfish, stupid ingrate. I feel so warm and fuzzy! NOT!
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Ankles are gone down a bit! went for a walk and seemed to bring them down a bit! Have got to get fit thats my goal now as im only 47 and am getting some strange things lately i know its all to do with stress looking after mum so i will take out my yoga dvd and dust it!
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I get all mums pjs in "penneys" its a very cheap store here! i gave up buying her expensive nightwear along time ago! at xmas i got her 10 pairs for 5 dollars each for nothing as who cares if they are thrown out in a few weeks just buy her more! she changes her pjs 3 times a day?????/ she never gets dressed unless we go into town so how come there is so much washing?????? she always seems to have a huge pile of clothes to wash even though she never gets dressed???? maybe shes out all night dancing while im asleep?
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No,m you're right captain, and it does make me stop and think about how the gowns are a non issue... I know that Mama is not going to be here forever and part of what I miss the most is that Mama and I don't get to have the same back and forth chats we used to have, we talked about everything...she was and is my best friend. the best moments are when all the "helpers" have come in, gotten their stuff done and then it is Mama and me again, in the quiet and just for a moment we can pretend it is like it used to be...but only for a moment. Life is so cruel. Mama was always just a hard working woman, always helping everyone, always so involved in life...so many of the "others" now who are still out there doing and going and dropping in and out were the "glommers on"...those who sit on their butts and let you wait on them hand and foot...wouldn't hardly hit a lick at a stick because they were / are lazy, self absorbed...and of all of those people...of ALL of them, this wretched disease has randomly chosen my Mama to inflict it's cruelty...it's not fair...it just seems so wrong that this disease would latch onto one of the hardest working, most caring women who ever lived while all those selfish, self serving money grubbing folks just yahoo and hoo ha around and pop in to say...oh how pitiful....no my Mama is not pitiful..you hooligans are the pitiful ones because you will never have a clue what any of this is like or ever come close to being the kind of woman my Mama is...IS........Captain, I love your comment..."be careful what you ask an honest person"...LOVE IT..going to keep that one and use it a LOT
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i sure didnt mean to demean anyones caregiving nightmares . if it werent for a half pint of everclear once or twice a week my head would have exploded at times -- trying to reason with insanity . its near impossible but its still a season of our lives that we can be proud of and teach good lessons to siblings and our own kids at the same time .. if your parents chose you as poa 30 yrs ago , there was a reason .. they created you , they know your capabilities .
i still know that cubic zerconium would awkwardly be there for me and bluntman would carry me across a thousand miles of burning sand . i keep a foot in their asses cause i love them ..
favorite question of a phsyc doc -- " hows your relationship with your sons " . my , did one get lit up one day over that annoying question . " im a hardass , d*ckhead, what do you think my relationship is " ?
we talk about the weather and stuff now . we dont go " there " anymore .
careful whatcha ask an honest person , doc bill ..
good luck to everyone . its a hard road ..
the fellow i mentioned the other night -- lennie -- was previously caring for two long divorced parents in his home . they all had a common reality , the past had to be put in its rightful receptacle ..
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rambling out loud, but I think part of what is troubling to me in all of this is the way it feels like an assembly line almost...a never ending stream of folks in and out...and while I love our new Hospice provider...very much....the bath issue of all things caused a huge amount of mess and drama that didn't have to happen. The caring for Mama's medical needs and comfort is what matters, the keeping her comfortable and happy is what matters, so if that means I have to do a little more then I will do it.
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Sorry you don't feel well tex...It's hard enough when you feel ok...I can't say well, because if you do this for long I don't know if anyone feels well or great. I think sometimes the emotional part of this makes the physical issues feel even worse. Maybe just not being able to get out more makes one concentrate more on every little ache and pain....honestly I can't imagine recovering from neck surgery and doing this....that makes ME hurt to think of it...hope you feel better soon...I hate to toss something like that out there as it almost sounds like I am being trivial...truly I don't mean to...do please take care of yourself...hugs to you....
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Captain, while I do totally agree with you re the non need for focus on material things..absolutely I agree, that isn't the main issue here for me....I, of all people, do NOT put the import on material things like a lot of folks do, but this particular person arrived late, was plenty perky til she saw the magnatude of what she was taking on and then began complaining a great deal about how heavy Mama was, what dead weight she was, etc etc in FRONT OF HER. I have taken care of Mama over two years before we got any assistance from anyone. Mama is not a big woman, she is just a very frail and helpless woman. It was aggravating to me to hear the lady start talking about needed a lot of other helpers to come in to turn her...the other one we did have was a much smaller, young girl and she had no problem turning Mom, ONCE and doing everything she needed to do, this one turned her so many times it was painful to Mama...and during all the turning that part had nothing to do with her gowns, just the way this particular one did her thing...she had been doing this for over thirty years she said, and I'm sure she is fine , just don't think going to be a good fit for us. The only thing that matters to me is Mama's safety and comfort..and happiness. It takes me longer to bathe her, but when I do I sing to her, laugh with her, talk to her and it is almost an enjoyable experience for her...so I am thinking I may just take a break just for a bit on the bathing and see if I can do that part myself...It's not about the gowns...it's about respect for my Mama.
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Just read Cap;s post,now I really feel like a whiner. Just venting. Postop day #17 after my neck surgery, doing PT but it is rough, I have to get better, my mother is moving around better than me, just feeling sorry for myself this am and I hate feeling that way.Just start to get overwhelmed because so much depends on me being up and around here.I hate having to deal with my mother's business, the constant doctor appointments, she will find something that she thinks she needs to see the MD now, I just start saying you want to go to the the ER, she turns me down because she knows they won't admit her just for pain, she is on180mg morphine a day. Just got turned down by my insurance for a PET scan because I haven't had an abnormal stress test, I guess the reasoning is if I drop dead on the treadmill they won't had to do the test.
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just read the last couple pages of posts . i think i see people struggling with the constant and terminal decline of aging / dying elders . resisting damage to pretty gowns or nice socks just aint the way its going to go down . i think all material things become a non issue in relation to the comfort and well being of the patient . we all have an afinity for comforting material things but my aunt just entered NH , never to leave there and a stuffed animal , a pic of her late husband , and a couple pair of pants is the extent of her earthly possessions .
your elders are going to be gone forever soon . just try to be kind to them , its all they have left .
gosh , it was at this time a year ago that i brought home the morphine and ativan liquids for mom . terminal agitation had set in . i remember the skeptical but trusting look she gave me as i gave her the first doses under her tongue . good night , mom . you cant live like this and shouldnt have to anymore ..
life has promise , gain , satisfaction , then it has loss , heartache , pain , death .
im looking back this morning . its all been seasons .
im going to see my aunt -- while i still can ..
there are no do overs , let mom dump tea down her leg . its her leg and her tea . the rest is just stuff . its all going into a dumpster ..
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I'm with you on the pretty night gowns, Hope - I had a similar experience with an OT telling me to cut the seams on mother's cashmere bed socks. Didn't argue with her, just thought "I. Don't. Think. So." Would it be worth getting her some easier to handle pyjamas for bathing days?

My whine moment today is about battles. You're not supposed to treat them like children. You're not supposed to think they are morons. So what are you supposed to do when they behave like moronic children? Yes, it's the classic petty nonsense: mother persists in holding her tea cup on her knee, instead of keeping it on her overchair table. Then she nods off, then the cup tips, then… so far no scalds (more by luck than judgement) but at this rate her very expensive riser recliner chair won't be with us for long. Plus I am getting extremely tired of washing cushions and scrubbing upholstery. So what are you supposed to do? Stand over them? Not allow them to have unsupervised drinks? Superglue the cup to the table and give her a straw?

So I go in and she's faffing about in sodden clothes dabbing tissues at the chair and then there's a heap of b.s. about how she 'missed' the edge of the table (no she didn't - the table was on the opposite side from the spill) - and, seriously, what are you supposed to say? Trill a light laugh and say oh dearie me not to worry? No good crying over spilt tea? Bollocks. I'm so sick of it.
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Well, our new Hospice provider is excellent BUT....the bathing aid is going to have trouble moving Mama. My Mama is not a large woman but she is totally bedfast and cannot lift her arms, legs, anything, so pretty much "dead weight" as far as moving her goes. The lady who came today was very sweet, but it took her forever and I had to help her, also, she started insisting I cut all of Mamas pretty gowns...which I am NOT going to do as no one else has had any trouble putting them on her, including me.....honestly, it takes me one third the time, and I am thinking I would rather just do the bathing alone than have to do this.... "sigh".......at least the rest of the services provided are excellent....
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toomuch...what if your sister thought you were out of there??? why can't she pay someone different?
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Gosh Emjo and i have lots of flight socks here but i only used them for long haul it was only a 2 and a half hour flight but i think it was the incredible heat there aswell! if they dont go down tomorrow ill see the doc!

Sister said mum was "fine"???????????? but then sis dosnt spend much time here she goes into town and meets friends she always has an agenda?

anyway shes coming home again in Sep so ill make sure i get away then also! mum seems to be ok no drama but shes sleeping alot? making a mess everywhere she thought it would be nice for her to clean my room when i was away? what could i say but i cant find anything now!!
Oh heres to going away again!!!!!!!!!!!!! really pigged out in spain and feel bloated and crappy now so will have to get my head around this diet and stick to it though its not easy! everytime i got up to go in the pool i had to suck my tummy in!!! but nobody knew me there so i didnt really care well i did but the food was too tempting! couldnt fit into my dresses so its not worth it may just stay off the wheat and dairy and be done with it!
Off now to snuggle up to my cat hes been very cautious of me now im home and is checking in on me all day to make sure i havnt gone off again! so cute he also left me a dead bird at the door this morning!! what a pet! i can tell he missed me!
How is your mum doing at NH?
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I have had that happen. Things that helped were putting support/compression stockings and keeping my feet up. Putting them on before you travel for the duration of the flight is even better. One trip overseas, my ankles swelled so I sat with my feet up for a day, then decided I had come over to do things and went for a long walk through an outdoor museum. By the time I got back to where I was staying my ankles were back to normal. Walking helps the circulation. I used tension bandages for the trip home that time. They don't show if you wear slacks.
Understand the depression. ((((((hugs))))) How did your mum behave for a week?
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Big whine! woke up this morning with HUGE ankles?? water retention i think? dont know how to get rid of it but am drinking lots of water but they seem to be getting bigger? must have been the flight but have never had this before?
anyone know how to get my ankles back?
Bit depressed since i came back as dont want to be here! bored stupid already!
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FreqFlyer, I think its a requirement for aging parents to call between 5:00-6:00am with whatever they have on their minds at the time. On the first day my children were away, my father knocks on my door at 6am to "discuss" one of his bills. Needless to say that conversation did not go well.
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I hear you there, freqflyer. I *hate* late night, middle of the night, or early a.m. phone calls - that's when the "bad" phone calls come - someone has been injured or passed away, etc. There's usually nothing good in those phone calls.
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Nope, hope cannot dump her because Im not paying her. On more than one occasion this weekend my family made it clear that the HHA Aide and I are on the same level. (In other words put up or shutup). She's the paid help, Im the "help" in exchange for room and board.
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My whine of the day is a simple one.... my Mom had a doctor appt at 9:00 a.m. and we were going to drive her there using either my Dad's car or our own.

So at 6:45 this morning [we were still asleep] Dad calls saying their car won't start. SERIOUSLY, he could have called us two hours later as we live just around the corner, and our vehicles do start.

An early morning jolt out of sleep telephone ringing isn't a good way to begin the morning :P
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I'm trying to be so patient....but it's so hard today.

Mom has gone back to not changing her pads again. (Incontinence pads.) So I remind her when she goes into the bathroom....and again while she's in there, because she goes in there and "just sits" for like 30 minutes....and when she comes out, I ask, "Did you get a clean pad on, Mom?" - Nope. Then she says, "I took the other one off" - right, but did you put a clean one on? No. How about if you do that - because we've already gone through 2 chair pads today. She says "In a little bit." (sigh - from me). 20 mins later, I ask if she's going to go put a pad on. Ok - so into the bathroom she goes. Another 30 minute "sit" in the bathroom, with me reminding her gently to put a pad on while she's in there. She emerges, and I ask if she put a pad on - NO, AGAIN!! (Seriously frustrated by this time.) I ask her why now - she says she took the old one off and was going to get in the shower soon. Uh...that's not the point!! The point is that while she is sitting on her chair, she is leaking constantly, and when she gets up, she WILL have an accident, because she's not wearing a pad! Which means I will have to wash ANOTHER chair pad, wipe up the floor AGAIN and wash even more laundry than I'm already doing.

She is resisting showering more and more lately, too. All day long, we've played the shower game. She actually told me at one point to start the shower and adjust the water for her (something new she's added to my list of daily to-do's, but she can do herself. I started to go into the bathroom to do it, and she said, "Why don't you sit down for a while?" WTH???? Told her I was going to start the shower, and she said just to wait a while. So then I asked if she was going to shower a while later, and she said, yes, she was waiting for me to start the water! (Are you KIDDING me??) I told her I would, but she had just told me to sit down! She said, "Well, I thought you needed to rest for a while!"

I think I'm seriously losing my mind.
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I hired a nice young man to do all of the outside work. My whine is I should have did this long ago!! Too much to take care of mom, dogs, house, yard, food, clothes...oh yeah, and me!!

Her right foot has been hurting her and is a bit swollen. Been soaking it in epsom salt and elevating it. I find it hard to deal with other people's feet.... sigh.

Her perception is so off the charts these days... that is a big frustration as the smallest task becomes biggies. This whole thing just sucks... try to do good, be good and helpful, learn patience and the whole shibang that goes with AD and caretaking only to get shot down with "this tastes like sh*t". Sigh. ON a positive side.... mom doesn't fart a lot (least that I know of) she does however, belt out the worlds longest burps ... sigh sigh sigh
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My mother has always claimed to be a dog lover, and in some ways that is true. But as a dog parent, she doesn't do anything for it that doesn't interest her. My father would be the one to let them in and out, take them for walks, and he prepared their meals and washed their dishes. He gave them baths. My mother would give them all treats at the table, pet them, and decide which ones were 'smart' and which were 'stupid'. When my father died 4+ years ago, their dog stopped getting any exercise, never met other dogs, never did anything except eat. He's a dachsund mix, and is the fattest thing you've ever seen. My mother just says "Do you think maybe he's a little spoiled?" As if it's cute. And no, I don't think he's spoiled, I think he's mistreated in many ways. But he's a rescue, is now probably around 15 years old, and probably has had a comparitively good life after being adopted by my parents. I had agreed early on to take him if he outlives both my parents, but am praying that doesn't happen. I love my household now with the dog my husband and I have, and do not want to figure out how to incorporate an elderly, obese, and very neurotic dog into our lives. And yes, I am a total dog lover -- but with this one dog, I have never really bonded. That's never happened to me with ANY dog before.
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