I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
'Sounds to me like you are doing a great job! Hugs..
So now...I decide to walk home and fix lunch for her and bring it back because I can do it quicker. I know that if I don't, she will either keep hounding or walk home anyway. Now I am trying not to be annoyed but I am. I am trying to get over the fact that she is behaving self-centeredly and childish and just do it.
Sometimes I just think I shouldn't bother taking her anywhere because it becomes such a hassle.
He cannot manage the stairs anymore and I have agreed to drive him around on the lawn to go in from the lower ground level. He refuses that since it is 'drastic'. He, one day, wanted to call our son to come over and move his 'file' upstairs so he could examine his old records. I resisted this, even though he had gone into the attached garage to find a good space for the file cabinet, etc. This dispute often got so loud that our black lab ran and hid!
Yesterday (for the second time in 6 months) I went down and pulled all the files and spread them out on the dining room table. Oh, he was so happy... Now, once and for all he could prove that I am not the girl he married 70 years ago!
He pulled out his glasses and went through the top several files and came up to me, saying that he forgot what he was looking for and I could return the files to 'his' file cabinet now.
Without the advice of many here, I most likely would have continued to resist in this matter, since I had already presented out marriage license and Living Trust papers. It is sooo much easier to just give in and do the ridiculous than insist on the assumption that you can change his mind!
I am now going to put together a special cardboard box and place these important, to him, files where he can find them at any time - here upstairs - mostly to save me the effort and energy and time to retrieve them again soon, since he will have forgotten this latest examination.
Argument is totally worthless - but it is difficult to understand how he can mistake his actual wife as some stranger who is the only one who "does anything around here.. My wife should not let you do all this work!" If only...
I still could have it so much worse. Our children and grandchildren are so understanding, though busy; he is not violent - yet - just confused and depressed cause he cannot do 'anything' and wishes to die, stating this often.
Looking back, I have had a great life, mostly loving husband, and wonderful, normal children - four - who will appear whenever I give up and ask for help. My wish is that all of you without this good luck will prosper and gain insight and strength as time goes on and continue to whine when necessary to keep your sanity!
Blessings to all!
And why, exactly, would you want to 'reach out'?
Because your brother will help sugar the pill for your mother? - nope.
Because your brother will offer support and sympathy for you? - nope.
Because your brother is entitled to know what is going on with his mother? - well arguably, but hey he can always express an interest if he wants to know, can't he? - why would you want to make the running?
Because… er I can't think of any other reasons.
So oddly, no, I don't suppose you did especially want to hear that, did you? On account of it's complete bollocks. Dear darling husband. In the words of my mother's most damning faint praise: "he ***means*** well, darling."
My family was very dysfunctional growing up. My brother and I were probably close until the age of about 4, and then the difficulties started, and got progressively worse. He had alcohol, drug problems, spent time in jail, and we saw each other maybe 6 times at most throughout our 20's, 30's, and 40's. He has been sober for decades now, which is great, but he is still not good at coping with his own life, let alone the problems of others. My parents continued to give him money over the years, and although he's not the worst person imaginable, I suspect he remains minimally 'in the picture' because he's always relied on them for money for each crisis in his life.
W/in the past several weeks, he called me this time, hitting me up for money that he assumed was rightfully his (he asked me if our father had left him anything in his will). I explained that our dad's will left everything to our mother, so, no, there is no money of his that hasn't been given to him. He then asked me, since I'm POA, if I would give him money. I explained that I couldn't, but then suggested he talk to our mother (who isn't 100% addled yet). He didn't do that (probably because he's not a sociopath, which is lovely -- and also because he probably doesn't want her to know about his latest financial troubles).
I was furious, because we don't have a relationship. Plain and simple. There's no "How are YOU doing?" And absolutely no offers of real assistance, because he has no coping skills. He just falls off the radar, unless HE needs something. So, after dealing with my own sense of disappointment, lonliness (this is my family!!???), etc., I decided to stop contacting him. I don't want to try to involve him, I don't want to try to keep him informed, and I certainly don't want the obligation of sending him birthday and holiday emails w/stupid gift cards.
SO -- what really chapped my hide last week? When dealing w/the latest issue of my mother's (her driving privileges being revoked), my husband says to me, "You're not going to want to hear this, but I really think you should reach out to your brother, and let him know what's going on." AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
No, I will not.
Don't know why I just wrote all that but it got me wondering if those uncaring siblings don't contact the aging parent as they actually don't want the parent to know what is really going on in their lives. I know that was the case with me, I just could not share anything with her and closely guarded any emotions. It's just a thought maybe because it is breakfast time and i am reluctant to start the day.
Also tell her that since she lives 1000 miles, the least SHE can do is call him daily (just like she expects you to call him daily.) And not just a quick 'hello. how are you doing?" If she calls, to make it worth it, then try to stay on the phone for atleast 10-15 minutes. Do her daughterly duty of alleviating his lonesomeness. I wonder how long that would last????
I told her I don't know as he is going to have an adjustment period and I do not want to confuse him by coming back to my house where he has been living since June. She said you aren't just going to dump him there! again she sees hardly ever. I told her I will be stopping in 2-3 times a week but the visits will be brief. Getting frustrated with her comments.
Mm? i think thats about the 5th time this week she has lost them i wonder if you can get something to tie them around her neck like a necklace with her teeth on it??
Its 1.30am here and i have to listen to this moving stuff around now for hours until she gets tired i suppose? What a life? meanwhile the couple nextdoor have gone to Italy!!!!
Seems like aggressive argumentative foul mouth dementia loved ones is in the air this lovely (ha) Sunday.
Mom slept in which was lovely.... but oh my did she turn into a raging accusatory bitch shortly thereafter. Just so happens both my older brothers stopped by to finally witness what I go through... she cussed them out, told them if they liked me then she hated them. She was ridiculous.... on and on about people trying to kill her, kill the dogs.... she told them they could just go and F themselves... needless to say they didn't stay long. They did try and appease her but there is NO appeasing a raging demented person. I just sat there wide eyed, teary and tired.... no matter how much I do, how I try and initiate activities with her, keep her involved.. none of it ever matters ....sigh
She is agressive and argumentative and this will only get worse. if she has dementia she is only going to get worse. She is not the same person and her personality will slowly continue to slip away.
The time to consider placing in her a the nicest facility you can find is now. Let yourself grow up and in the future you may be in a position to bring her home if her personality becomes more mellow.
Don't expect her to like this decision or even easily agree to it but stay firm and finally it will happen.
Do not feel guilty about making a decision like this, you will be doing the best for her and you. No loving mother would expect her daughter to give up her whole life and freedom and any hope of having her own family. You certainly have my blessing for whatever that is worth. I have been married 50 years and at 21 was a recently graduated RN and just about to meet my husband. Many Hugs. Keep talking to us many people are here to help.
At 21 I was married and awaiting my husband's return from England after WW2 ended. We began a family immediately and enjoyed 70+ years of marriage - so I cannot complain too much about having to care for my husband now that he needs me.
It is difficult to understand where he is coming from when we converse - never know what is coming out this time, but it is a challenge and sometimes quite annoying. Understanding dementia is the challenge and this site has been a great help.
I hope there are others in your family who can step in and take their turn in caring for your mother... I do not envy your challenge! Hugs..
Caretaker promised mom she would take her to church today... another promise fell through and cancelled plans :/ I feel like it's honestly impossible to find someone who is at least the majority of time reliable! I wish I could afford to go through hiring someone individually, unfortunately the rates that some people expect for care for my mom.. :(
It makes me really sad to say that I feel like NH isn't far at all from now. It is coming to be so much to take care of my mom. I have always felt weak at moments, but was able to bring strength from myself and still be able to help mom... but it's getting bad. I am drained and I don't have time to take care of my physical or emotional help. My mother is 61 and I am 40 years younger. I want to fit helping her into my life with school, work, a SOCIAL LIFE! for goodness sake.. but it is very challenging. at the same time, she is very argumentative, and at some times aggressive. I find myself having a hard time controlling what I say to her, too. I have never felt this way towards anyone. At some points, I just feel like it's not my mother I'm taking care of anymore...