The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.

I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.

Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.

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J Jam Jun 2011 · Answer 1 · 2011-06-04T14:21:22.000-0400

Hey I need to know what the average hourly rate is for home care givers. We are moving forward. Are making arrangements to fence in the back yard, can't do the whole thing...too big for that and it would be defeating the purpose. But that should be enough to keep the col confined. I just got back from taking her some clothes, drove a total of 16 miles only to take less than 5 min to run in and drop them at the front desk.

ASG....Aunt sounds so much like the col. Last night in the ER she couldn't have been more sweet and kind speaking. Made me grind my teeth a little harder....but they all know me and they knew I was not exaggerating. Several of them looked at me and said "you look so tired".....ya think sunshine? She will be gone for at least a week, I didn't know it until last night that they can keep her up to a month. Don't need that long, but at least a week will help. We will talk with her doc on Monday and see what we need to do to straighten out her horrible mood swings. Anyway, when we started this whole process we told her that we wanted to do a POA because if something should happen to her, then we would be able to access her information so we could help. We explained that if she was unable to give permissions, etc for treatment then this would only benefit her. She didn't argue about it at all. The only times we have had to use it is for hospitalizations and banking. Finances are completely beyond her now. She kept screaming for her purse last night and Target finally told her there was nothing in it, we have her credit cards and checkbook. Right after that is when she decided to rip my face off. We noticed with her ranting last night that she is very financially fixated. She had a look in her eyes that I've not seen before....she was just a wild woman.....kinda like seeme when she's chasin' them bunnies......:) love ya.....

ASG you should try and get Aunt to sign a POA before she gets to the point where she can't and then you would have to have a judge make you her guardian. What she is doing is EXACTLY what the col has been doing....and it's only going to get worse. Wonderful outlook isn't it?

And on top of everything else, I don't know if y'all heard on the news about the police officer that was volunteering in Joplin after the tornado and was struck by lightening. He passed away yesterday and my heart is broken. He was the son of my former EMS director and I watched this boy grow up....he and my son are the same age. He worked in North KC.....they are bringing him through the town where we live right now with local police and fire standing at attention on all the overpasses. And it sounds like the medical helicopters are doing flyovers. Been there, done that and it always broke my heart every damn time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm going to be a blubbering mess here shortly, so I am going to go start cleaning the col's hovel. It stinks.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

J Jam Jun 2011 · Answer 2 · 2011-06-04T14:33:58.000-0400

Thank you deefer......no I don't think it was a UTI...she just finished a 10-day course of cipro because I was pretty sure she had one. This has been brewing for several days and it seemed like the basis was that she was bound and determined to go out, anywhere, didn't matter, just go go go go and we told her no. Where she is wanting to go is Hawaii first, then she refuses to pick a flower anywhere except the edge of the pond.....20 foot drop onto brush and trees and snakes, out to the mailbox at the edge of a busy two-lane highway and she walks like a drunk, one swipe of a semi and she becomes a grease spot. No matter what she tried, yelling, screaming, whining, she wasn't getting her way and she finally melted down. She needs the rest and so do we. Dog is doing great.....following me around like a little shadow.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

D deefer12 Jun 2011 · Answer 3 · 2011-06-04T14:36:37.000-0400

A "repeat" urine is always a good idea. Sometimes Mom needs a double course to get rid of it! Maybe the dog will lose some weight now!

S seemeride Jun 2011 · Answer 4 · 2011-06-04T15:53:05.000-0400

Jam, I pay $10 an hr., but she is my neighbor, cert. CNA, when she comes over during the day. The times she comes overnight, I pay her $100/night for 8 hrs., usually 10 pm to 6 am. Now she is a widow and doesn't really need the money and does nothing else except clean some older relatives homes every so often. And I don't care if she gets some sleep, just as linbg as she attends to mom when she hollers. I get a briefing every morning as we smoke on the front porch and she goes home. Remember she walks over, so no gas, and we talk every day anyway. And then there is the difference in the cost of living between NC and MO. Let me know how this compares. (This is under the table....don't tell anyone)

I had a little surprise when I went out to the garden this morning...as a matter of fact I never made it to the garden. I walked out into the garage and had 2 birds squawking and flying and hitting themselves against the walls !! Had to have been there all night. I opened the doors right away and came back inside. One flew out immediately. I went outside from the patio out the back and snuck over to the garden and heard the second one still crying about it. He's gone now. We had one in he garage once that just could not fly low enough to get out. Poor thing beat himself on the walls, the ceilings, shit purple on the door into the house and I don't know if it was gonna live. I had blood on the ceiling by the light fixtures and dripped on the floor. The ceiling is so high I can't reach the top with a broom. And every other neighbor has kids who drive and they leave the garage doors open all the time and I never hear anything about birds. You'd think I lived in the boonies. Well, mom has decided to go outside.........hhuummmm...see how long that lasts......later

A allshesgot Jun 2011 · Answer 5 · 2011-06-04T16:14:04.000-0400

We love ya linda!!!! Jam whatcha gonna do since you have a few to yourself?

A allshesgot Jun 2011 · Answer 6 · 2011-06-04T16:56:44.000-0400

Jam thanks, its always helpful to know if her behavior coincides with someone else who has been diagnosed. Its strange I think its cause I was never around her at this level before. They lived in the city until about 6 or 7 years ago, they lived next door but always kept to themselves. You didn't visit unless you called first. She went to my house only during b day parties for the kids. After 2 or 3 years they moved up to john knox. It went from there. Hubby just said this morning she would have never called a little boy a fat kid. Maybe thought it but would never had said it. She did sign a medical poa. She got scared she was gonna have a stroke so hubby said if she had a stroke and couldn't speak for herself the realitives up north could come get her and take her to the nh up there that they wanted to put her in after the stroke. So the next day she was on the phone to the dr. To get medical poa. She had put another realitive on her checks when she was in the nursing home after the stroke she couldn't sign her name. She dosnt want to take her off now since she already has it set up that way at the bank. So that is her fix for her financial. She thinks this realitive will sign her name to 10 or 20 checks at a time for us to use for her needs. I'm not sure if the lady will. She calls her everyday and acts real nice to hubby and I but is in close contact with the realitives that wanted aunt in the nursing home. I guess the poa dosnt go into effect until 2 dr. Declare her incompetant. Her primary dr. So far hasn't seen a problem. She goes in on her own tells him what she wants.

L ladee1 Jun 2011 · Answer 7 · 2011-06-04T18:46:28.000-0400

Jam, I charge $10 an hour , am charging more this time because there are two of them. And like seeme said, people usually pay more for the night shift.
Getting a daily report is important, I never could get either of my previous families to do that. It is a preventative measure, so that everyone is on the same page. Especially if certain things need to be done with Alz. behaviors...I would practically beg BG not to argue with Ruth.. If Ruth said it had rained, then I agreed. BG would come in and argue, drag her to the window, ect. And routine is absolutely necessary with Alz. or dementia. If Ruth knew what to expect everyday, then things went much smoother. If the house was full of people, everyone trying to talk to her like she was "regular" granny, then I had a stressed and anxious lady on my hands when everyone left. She was not able to process all that noise... I know the col is not in last stages Alz. like Ruth was, but the sooner she gets into a routine when she gets home the better.
I am praying that they find appropriate meds for her. I always say finding the right meds or the right combo is a crap shoot. What works for some, won't work for others.. I would let them keep her until THEY saw the results they were looking for.
Sorry it has come to this, but now you will have your own little "army" of people who know her, her behaviors, ect. The more trained people involved the better quality of life she will have and therefore the people around her.will know what to expect...
Prayers for you finding a person that can do this job. Hope you are getting some rest now.. hugs to you

J Jam Jun 2011 · Answer 8 · 2011-06-04T20:38:39.000-0400

thank you seeme and ladee....that's kind of what we were thinking. We don't need them here all day, we were thinking maybe from 11 to 5, and even maybe just Monday, Wed, and Friday. Gives us a break, gives her someone else to talk to. Would that also include some very light housekeeping, like washing a coffee cup or two and maybe bathing her if the day fell on Wed? Since she has no hobbies this person could even bring their laptop if they wanted. A person can't go outside and sit all day, and she won't do anything else, so this person would be bored out of their gourd. These are just some thoughts I had today while......get this ASG......I STARTED CLEANING HER HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I nuts or what? But let me tell you this, within 30 min that damn urine smell was GONE....POOF! Isn't it amazing. I had my washer and hers going at the same time. I saw that she had peed the bed and that's where the odor came from....now I know why she didn't have her jammie bottoms on yesterday morning. Would you believe the only part I got cleaned today was her bedroom? But the bed is airing out, the floors vacuumed, the closet cleaned out......there are no more size 1x clothes hanging there, I found an old wallet that she used to carry before I bought her a new one.....I almost threw it away without looking through it....found a $100 bill folded up, all surfaces are dusted, pictures set up and dusted, and found tons and tons of costume jewelry and knowing her there may be the real deal mixed in, so someday we have to go through it all piece by piece. That was all I got done today, it was too hot to do anything else. We turned her AC off to preserve energy. No sense in cooling it for nothing. Will do a little more tomorrow, but hubby finally got to see the mound of whatever it is that lives under her couch cushions.....he just stood there and said my gawd!!!!!!!!

deefer they did a UDS last night in the ER, but I didn't hear the results. We are waiting until the "real" doctors see her on Monday to start putting a plan together.

The doggie is doing fine. He is still running to her back door first when he goes out, and we really have to coax him back up the stairs, but he knows he's loved and being taken care of.....he's one of the kids....:)

Hi to everyone else......my mind is too scrambled to name names right now, but I'm thinking of you all......................

Love and Hugz,
Jam

S seemeride Jun 2011 · Answer 9 · 2011-06-04T21:29:00.000-0400

Jam....You might want to negotiate the bath, or just tell her what you expect or ask what she will do. My neighbor knows all about the fistula and what that entails, she always fixes mom lunch (this is Tues only) , eats with her and cleans up.

When she gets really bored, she has been known to dust my plantation blinds, sweep the kitchen floor and even do some laundry. She gets paid out of mom's money unless she does too much housecleaning, because I feel that is really for me, but she is also a friend. When I was still working, I paid her to clean my house while keeping an eye on mom, but mom was in much better shape then. Bless her heart, last Thurs. when she was here, hubby complained to me that the blind in our bathroom needed dusting....well, with the steam it needed more than dusting, so she cleand it. I just said yea, yea, I know, thinking your arm isn't broken. I don't let him get away with too much of that cause I KNOW he was in the AF and he had to clean the latrine with a toothbrush, he knows how to make a bed, etc. Hope that helps you. Start with a list of what you'd like done.

I gave mom a booboo that just puckered my a$$hole every time I looked at it. I pinched her finger between the chair armrest and the kitchen table. It peeled the skin back and came up a blood blister immediately. She hollered ouch and then forgot about it. It was dripping blood and I had to but some bacitracin and a bandaid on it. Bandaid will probably peel the rest of her skin when I try to take it off. This has been one of those days when everything I touch goes to h3ll.

Hubby got the patio furniture spray painted today. Later he took a ride on the bike...good night for that. Nothing else happening here. I got the garage doors shut before I got bats in the belfrey.....er...birds in the garage.

Starri, guess it is about time for your evening shift. I'll try to stay up later for you.

Burned.....How are things going?

ASG? what's shaking? How was Auntie today? It was Auntie day today, right? Yeah, rrriiiiight !! Like every day isn't Auntie day. Did you let the cat out?

Ladee, how much cleaning do you do? Lunch? I always tell Kathy what is available for lunch....any leftovers, cold cuts, chips, soups, egg or tuna salads. Gonna make some ham salad tomorrow. Just rambling on ....lil doggie...bye

D deefer12 Jun 2011 · Answer 10 · 2011-06-04T22:35:23.000-0400

Jam, I pay Merry $15/hour, but Mom is incontinent both ways, cannot walk alone, and needs to be washed, dressed, and most times hand fed because she gets so easily distracted and forgets there is food in front of her. She is definitely a lot of work! Sometimes it takes 2 of us to clean her up after she does #2 in her pullups.
Double locking deadbolts keep her in and restraints on her wheelchair keep her safe! She also obsessed about finances all the time. Comes from a life of having to watch every penny. Funny the things they never forget.
I like having Merry here for dinner and bedtime. Lets me spend some time with my husband. Getting her up and ready in the morning is a major chore too, but I find having help later in the day when I'm more tired, works better for me.
I hope they can get her straightened out for you and that you can get the rest you need.
Ladee, Sounds like you got a good one this time!

L ladee1 Jun 2011 · Answer 11 · 2011-06-04T23:00:26.000-0400

Deefer, Yes, I am very happy to say I really like my little couple and could not have asked for a better position. So very different than with Ruth, but you know the story behind me staying here.. Had it been someone I did not know before I started working for her, I never would have put up with the crap BG dished out... live and learn tho...
I have no regrets about staying with Ruth until the end... But I do not want another live in position, just too damned hard and stressful and no one wants to pay well because they feel they are putting a roof over my head... one of the ladies that answered my add, was so determined to talk me into live in, I marked her off my list immediately... don't need to work for another family member that will not LISTEN to me... nope.

Almost time to leave..... told rip I wouldn't bug ya'll with emails , but sure hope you post pics I know you both are going to have a great time and make some good memories.... hugs to you..

S starri33 Jun 2011 · Answer 12 · 2011-06-05T01:48:59.000-0400

Hey ya'll, Seeme thanks for waiting up, don't know if your still up..lol.. it's been a quiet night so far, she's a little wobbly, slept a lot today, and sleeping off and on this evening. I finally got some good solid sleep, not a lot but feeling much much better, brother is going to take the evening shift tomorrow, hopefully she rests most of the night, would hate for him to have a rough one to deal with.

Hope you are all resting.

D deefer12 Jun 2011 · Answer 13 · 2011-06-05T02:42:43.000-0400

Hey Ladee! Just got up and getting ready to leave for airport! Will e-mail you pictures.Can't wait to be gone from here!
Off on my great adventure!!!

S seemeride Jun 2011 · Answer 14 · 2011-06-05T05:05:53.000-0400

Starri....I'm up, but I don't wanna be !!! I already have a headache nad it is on;y 5 am. Not enough sleep. Mom is on a 1/2 to 1 hr kick getting up to pee. Nothing hurts, but she stanks. May have to check for another UTI. May have something to do with the fixation on outhouses......yeah, had one of those again today....shit , yesterday. Gonna try to sleep again. Have a good night, Starri.......

Deef is on da plane....da plane!!!!!!!

S starri33 Jun 2011 · Answer 15 · 2011-06-05T07:08:45.000-0400

Enjoy your vacation Deef, Seeme hope you are getting some rest, Brother just came over to relieve me so I get some rest, will be cutting mine short so that he can go rest before his night shift.. Mom is awake, semi ok...lot of pain towards midnight and after..feels like I pulled my shoulder trying to get her out of bed for the pot, heating pad here I come..lol...

J Jam Jun 2011 · Answer 16 · 2011-06-05T09:41:36.000-0400

Good Morning!

Happy Vacation Deef!!!!

It's such a weird feeling having the dogs out and not hearing that "swish.....is it time to party" noise coming at me. And before coffee no less. The col's dog is coming right back up the stairs now without having to coax him. But I have to look him over every single time he comes in, for some reason the ticks like him.

Maybe I will work in the col's house again for a while today. I left all the windows open last night to air out and I could smell that "smell" drifting up to me. I know a lot of it is coming from the carpet and I wish I could just rip it up but that would be like next to useless and a total waste. So I will try to shampoo the worst parts again. I need to take the vertical blinds down and put up some type of short curtain, that would keep the hot morning sun from pouring in during the summer and keep the dog from hiking his leg on each and every blind. I'm going to try and get as much crap off the floor as I can while she is gone. Just telling her things are giving the dog a place to pee only results in "he wouldn't do that" in that little girl voice that is really getting on my nerves. Ooh, do I sound a little bitter still? I found a few more sore spots from holding her off the other night.

How is everyone else? Got your hug sandy, thank you. I'm okay just a hectic night Friday. How are you? Come and tell us how things are going. I've been trying to keep up on posts, but I may have missed something.

starri......I"m glad you have your brother to help with mom. Soon I will have some and I can't wait.

I have been giving some thought to taking out the col's washer and dryer and having like a day bed built there instead. That way if someone should need to stay overnight there would be a place for them to sleep instead of on her couch. Haven't run it by hubby yet, still thinking on it. Col really can't do laundry anymore, I have noticed that in the last couple of weeks she would say she was going to wash clothes, but never did and she hangs everything from every door frame in her house to dry instead of using the dryer. I usually do her laundry so she doesn't need a washer and dryer anymore. Am I rambling again? I think more coffee is in order.

Will check back in a little while,

Love and Hugz,
Jam

L ladee1 Jun 2011 · Answer 17 · 2011-06-05T10:34:14.000-0400

Jam, have been thinking back on my days with Ruth in regard to what you have just experienced with the col. There were times when her mood would change on a dime!. She could be setting in her chair, we may or may not be talking, as much as having a real conversation was not possible, but BOOM she would be out of control. I started paying attention and sometimes she would wake up with that "look" in her eyes. Possibly something she dreamed about, or something she remembered from her past... who knows, but it was not provoked in any kind of way.. And of course she would get angry when I would not let her outside to fall down, break her hip, or get a concussion. And no she was not allowed to walk around the yard, it is uneven and her footing was not that good. And especially without me there with her.. But if we did try to walk in the yard, she would get even angrier if I would not let her go toward the highway, or into BG flowers, or across the cattle guard...or any number of other places that she could get hurt...
Guess the "blame and judgement" game can be played until the end of time, and that has nothing to do with caring for someone with Alz./dementia.I didn't "blame" Ruth for breaking my leg!!!! It was just an unfortunate accident . Remember she had hit me in the head so hard she rang my bell. And all of that because I would not let her get a butcher knife to "cut my throat" as she had threatened . But in her little mind, that was what was going on. Even the Dr's that specialize in the field of Alz, can not give us an explanation as to why they do the things they do...
We have an epidemic of Alz. and no concrete answers, no consistent meds that work for different episodes....no text book answers, so we do the best we can. We try to keep them safe, even if it makes them angry. They slip in and out of being cognizant and we do not know where that invisible line is....Sometimes I likened it to being the one that was supposed to know where all the puzzle pieces were, have it put together, only for her to wake up in a state of mind that didn't even closely resemble the "puzzle" the day before, or sometimes even with in an hour.... I have said many times and will continue to say I HATE THIS DISEASE !!!!!!! hugs to everyone.

J Jam Jun 2011 · Answer 18 · 2011-06-05T11:09:21.000-0400

Now that I've had time to think back on Friday and everything that evolved through the evening, I see that this whole thing had been brewing for about 3 days. It's been horribly hot with humidity around 90, no one should be out in that kind of weather. Especially an elderly person who is taking dehydrating medication. She was told to stay inside and given the reasons, but she would sneak out the front door usually. We could see on the camera when she would disappear. And the front yard workers tattled on her once....thank you very much guys. I have figured out that a simple "no" is not acceptable to her. Then after her first tantrum hubby said "Mom, we're going to have to go to the hospital and get a tune-up"....she switched into the whiny, begging, what did I do wrong, after all I've done for you, if you hate me so much......trying to put us on a guilt trip won't work. We took her back down to her house 4 times and after the last one it was apparent she wasn't settling down and I had already given her an extra Ativan. Wasn't giving any more. She was told the ambulance was coming and no she didn't need her purse, I saw the look in her eyes change and she was after me. Hubby had gone upstairs because it was so hard for him to see her like that. When the amb got there she made some sarcastic little remark, but went with them quietly. Sometimes she is like an animal and I hate seeing how her mind has deteriorated. I see a distinct change in her from when she is pushing and we step back to when she has pushed too far and we take action. She becomes whiny, pitiful, begging, it's like she KNOWS when she has pushed too far. And it seems like everything she does is aimed at harming herself in some way. I have to wonder if the old lobotomies didn't have some validation......:) I don't care what anyone says, they cannot be watched every single second of every single day....and for that minute when you look away, they're gone. Just that fast. Physically and mentally! So I guess tomorrow after her doc looks at her we will know a little more on how to proceed with whatever they decide.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

S starri33 Jun 2011 · Answer 19 · 2011-06-05T12:27:52.000-0400

You ladies have it so much rougher than what I do..I don't know how you do it, seeing your loved ones change like that, Mom's dying but she still has most of her mental abilities left. She has her days where she is confused about what is happening, or what day it is, then others she is sharp as a tack, so far there have been no bodily attacks.

How in the world do you cope?

L ladee1 Jun 2011 · Answer 20 · 2011-06-05T13:27:26.000-0400

Starri, by coming on here, talking about things, venting, being sad, confused, frustrated, laughing at some of the stuff to keep from crying from exhaustion.Finding and sharing experiences, information, and stories that make us grateful. I would have lost my mind without the people on this whole sight. Getting hugs from those I had not communicated with. hugs from those I did know. Sending hugs when I had one to spare... There is just such a variety of people and experiences, sadness, laughter, tears, shared broken hearts when someone passes away..

That is why you are welcomed when you start posting. We always hope people come back and get to experience not feeling alone, that others are going thru the same things, feeling the same way, even if situations vary a little, we are here for each other..
But what you are going thru is very very tough. Regardless of the illness, when we know the end is in sight, we really need to know others HEAR us.. are there in spirit and are holding our hands.
You get to meet some awesome folks on here, some who will remain friends for a lifetime... it's just like life, some are forever, some are temporary , but we do have the honor of being loving, caring, not shaming and judgmental. I always try to keep in mind that sometimes things can not be translated into cyberspace . So, for me, I try to still be supportive tho I may not wholly understand the situation.. we can always ask questions to help us understand and be there for each other.
So, that is the tip of the iceberg on how we cope.. guess silliness and laughter keeps us going sometimes.. we may not get a real respite from our daily stuff, but it costs nothing to laugh...
We are so happy you are here. You bring a gentleness in your posts that are much appreciated. You bring compassion, and that is priceless. that is not saying you don't have your own moments or even days.. but you do contribute to our sense of belonging and we hope you stay with us... hugs to you, you are appreciated.

S seemeride Jun 2011 · Answer 21 · 2011-06-05T14:20:17.000-0400

Can I pass the Cow pattie to Ladee now?.....what is left of it...... and NO I didn't throw any of it at the rabbits !!!! 200 !! (Bet she was waiting all morning for that one. LOL) But if anyone needs it for their garden, I'll give it to them. My garden is almost all prime shit...He works at the wastewater treatment plant for the City AND they compost, so I get CLEAN prime shit...and I'm not joking.....

Mom got her bath today, almost refused to get out of her chair until I started to pick her up (which I could not have done, but don't tell her that). The little heater we use to get the bathroom warm finally died. Something burned, you could smell it. Hubby found out it was the thermostat. We sang a requiem and threw it out. Gotta get another one. Probably won't find it in June, mom.

Guess I will finally get a shower myself and get all heated up cleaning bathrooms so help won't have to hold it all night.

Starri, sorry I fell asleep last night but I did post early this am. At least I think I did. Hope you had a short RESTFUL sleep. I remember you saying it would be short.

And yes, I don't know how Jam and Ladee do it either. I am blessed that way. Mom gets fixated on certain things , lately bathrooms, but she doesn't get violent. She gets clingy and weepy. Her brain damage comes from a brain aneurysm almost 10 yrs ago now, and a stroke during the repair of it. Still a very lucky person to be alive, but I don't know if she would say that. She did get to see the 12th great-grandchild a month ago, so now when we get pics on the computer or talk via Skype, she is anxious to get to the computer.

Well, I am rambling, so I will sign off .....till later......

J Jam Jun 2011 · Answer 22 · 2011-06-05T14:24:18.000-0400

Good Afternoon Posse!!!!!

Amen ladee......couldn't have said it any other way. That's how we cope.

On any given day the col will talk "off the wall" and she has developed the habit that if you ask her something and she doesn't know the answer, she will squint her eyes and say "what?"........like I'm an idiot or an imbecile, so if I rephrase my question it is like I never said anything to begin with.

We just talked with the behavioral unit and she is doing fine. Even interacting a little with some of the others. A guy that used to work with me in EMS, then became an LPN, is on-duty there today, so he will watch over her. She does not know why she is there, has no memory at all of being in the ER and doesn't have a clue how she got there. Makes me want to make sure I have a nice full bottle of morphine if I get that way...........but then I would probably forget where I stashed it.

Target is on-board with me 99%. He thinks we should leave the col's washer and dryer in case her care giver should want to throw something in. Other than that it's onward and upwards. Going to send out a request to my friend and see if she would like the job.....Mon Wed Fri.....10 to 4 .......or whatever works for her, but I would prefer it be through the middle of the day....the col usually sleeps till after 9 am. Her main meal of the day usually hits at around 2 or 3 pm....because she is always saying she is not hungry when suppertime rolls around, and then we can do something light for supper.
That's where we are right now.....and soon I'm back to cleaning a little more. I found a black blob of something, that resembles nothing, at the bottom of an old ice cream gallon that she used to keep empty plastic bags in. Must have forgotten the full ones go in the trash.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

R rossellamex Jun 2011 · Answer 23 · 2011-06-05T21:28:31.000-0400

Hi ladies, I just came back from a weekend out, I went to the town where I lived from 3 to 19 years of age and met some very very old friends! (Last time I saw them, we were teenagers!) It was very pleasant. I have to work so I had to read very quick the posts of the last two days.
JAM ALLELUIAH! You are having some days of rest, you are going to have a help when Col comes home. It was about time to share part of this hard, hard work with someone else.
Ladee, I am so happy that your new gentleman is so sweet and he is already fond of you. It will make things much easier for you! It seems he likes to be taken care of; so it seems it is a person you can make happy. (which doesn't happen all the time, as we all know) (many of our aged relatives are taken care of, and they are never happy)
My mother is more and more an more confused, about the normal facts of life (does she have to urinate or not? Does she have to eat or not?) And she has more and more problems in choosing her words and say what she wants. So the whole thing is excruciating and it's difficult to keep a good mood and not lose one's head. I guess we are not perfect and we just do our best in unsustainable situations...
ASG, put locks everywhere and find an excuse for your aunt (you have to lock your bedroom door because there are mice, or rabbits, inside) (you have to lock the fridge because the door of the fridge is broken and it could fall...), I think it is time you start to tell her some lies for your sake and her sake. I like very much the idea of Ladeeda's voice coming from the ceiling, I would seriously think of doing it.
I don't remember who has the problem of rabbits. Why don't you take a small dog? He would scare the rabbits and make them flee away, without actually killing them... At least, he would keep 90 per cent of them away.
I have to work... Night everybody

S seemeride Jun 2011 · Answer 24 · 2011-06-05T22:52:02.000-0400

Rosella....Good to hear from you. I have the problem with the rabbits, but they aren't really that much of a problem until they get into the hubby's tomatoes ! lol I don't mind sharing cause they don't eat much. My help comes in 30 min and I don't have mom ready for bed. She has been fixated on outhouses or bathrooms. She said when she first came here, she went into a little room and it had a seat with 2 holes, a big one and a little one. No, mom, not in this house. I remember when we traveled around Europe with my in-laws. We camped in tents and a Volkswagon camper. We went to a campground in Italy or France and when I went to the bathroom we had a pit with a brick on each side. I made hubby go in with me to hold me so I didn't fall in. He called it a "bomb dump". I remember not wanting to be the bomb. And it was for women and men at the same time. Wasn't ready for that.

I'm glad you were able to get away and meet some school buddies. That sound like a good time to me. Just to have adult conversation.......

I would love to have a dog as I am a dog lover. I will in the future again....2 nice big OES (Old English Sheepdogs) the ones with no tails and real hairy, but not until mom is gone. They would tear her up if one jumped on her , even if it was a puppy. Her skin is just too thin.

Well, mom got up and is eating a Danish and help comes in ten min.

Everyone have a wonderful night.

J Jam Jun 2011 · Answer 25 · 2011-06-06T00:15:50.000-0400

Hi Rosella, good to see from you.....sorry you have to work. I worked most of the afternoon cleaning the col's house. It is so dirty. When she is sitting around watching me I can't deep clean like it should be. Now I can scrub and move things out of the way. She has 2 small oval tables she uses for coffee tables and it's just one too many and she only uses one, so I am going to move the other one probably to our house for a while. I'm trying to get the clutter out so she won't have a bunch of tables to trip over and fall. I also took her makeup away when she was throwing her tantrum Friday. The third trip up the stairs I saw that she had put lipstick on from her nose down to her chin. That was it. I looked through her little "bag of tricks" and it was nasty. Her mascara was dried up so in the trash it went. That will be the end of makeup. She will also get her hair cut and styled so she can take care of it and not this wild cloud she thinks looks good. Also in the works will be to get her eyes checked, the 40 y/o driving glasses she has just won't work anymore, and she WILL go to the dentist. Her front teeth are God awful, black, chipped and the enamel is broken off in pieces. Her days of dictating how things go are over. Tough love I guess.

Hope everyone has a good night....time for some sleep. Going to go check a fence company tomorrow about fencing in the yard.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

S seemeride Jun 2011 · Answer 26 · 2011-06-06T06:32:29.000-0400

Looks like I am in for a rough time for a couple of days and nights. Help saiid mom was up every 15 min all night long going to pee. Guess there is a UTI going on. Will call the dr. as soon as I can. She was calling for all the dead relatives.
And the stench...... !!!!!!

Help had to empty the pottie 3 times during the night just to get rid of the paper, I know it is time to have the septic tank cleaned out, but hubby says nah. No way can one put as much stuff down the pot as I have and expect the septic tank to keep up. Just no way. I've had it cleaned twice already since mom has been here, and both times it was necessary.

Well, it's been 30 min since I've been awake and nothing from mom , so I guess she will want to sleep all day and be up all night. Please say a prayer for us. I need her to make it to Duke on the 16th. Will try to post later..........

L ladee1 Jun 2011 · Answer 27 · 2011-06-06T07:12:29.000-0400

Good morning everyone, Hope the night was good to you and you got some well deserved rest... Starri, how is your mom today? did you get the med thing straightened out so you won't worry when you are not there?
Sandra, my heart breaks for the stress you are under. Wish you would post here more so we could get to know you better and be here for you... you are in my prayers..
Will check back in this afternoon, love ya'll and hugs across the miles...

A allshesgot Jun 2011 · Answer 28 · 2011-06-06T07:58:26.000-0400

Morning! Possse I like that! Jam, I think your right that you need to take control. Some might say oh just let her have the mak up it won't hurt. But if division of aging or a well meaning stranger comes into your house and sees an old lady with make up from nose to chin, unkempt hair and the strong smell of urine they may not understand or care that she has dementia. I've seen many resident come in the nursing home that looked like they hadn't been taken care of for a long long time, only to find out they had dementia and the family had done all they said they could. The nursing home dealt exactly as you have. If they were not able to put on make up anymore and it was an issue, it got locked up and would be put on by aids in the morning or activites when they had time. Depending on the case. In the alz unit, all beauty stuff was put up by the nursing and used on them at speacial times. This was called dignity. Not allowing a lady who had always been proper and beautiful, to look like a clown. There were certain things they would allow, like one lady who carried

A allshesgot Jun 2011 · Answer 29 · 2011-06-06T08:16:32.000-0400

Morning! Possse I like that! Jam, I think your right that you need to take control. Some might say oh just let her have the mak up it won't hurt. But if division of aging or a well meaning stranger comes into your house and sees an old lady with make up from nose to chin, unkempt hair and the strong smell of urine they may not understand or care that she has dementia. I've seen many resident come in the nursing home that looked like they hadn't been taken care of for a long long time, only to find out they had dementia and the family had done all they said they could. The nursing home dealt exactly as you have. If they were not able to put on make up anymore and it was an issue, it got locked up and would be put on by aids in the morning or activites when they had time. Depending on the case. In the alz unit, all beauty stuff was put up by the nursing and used on them at speacial times. This was called dignity. Not allowing a lady who had always been proper and beautiful, to look like a clown. There were certain things they would allow, like one lady who carried like 6 to 10 bags around filled with things she had taken from other people. She didn't have dentia it was some other mental disorder, but they couldn't take the bags from her completly, and couldn't go through them in front of her so they waited till she was at meals and went through them and put things back where they belonged. She was no longer allowed to carry these bags around because they were a fall risk to the others. My point is, you do have to set guidlines with them. You can't let them wander around and do as they please. They may not always understand but its gotta be done. You are doing a good job. Maybe you could give her makup bag back to her with somthing else in it. Like small lotions, and clear lip glosses. Ladeeda, hey!!!! Gonna e mail soon. Haven't been on comp. In a few days, doing this from my phone. Rosella, glad you had a fun time, sounds like some good relaxing time. Seemer what is in duke on the sixteenth? If you've already said I'm sorry. Is it a wedding? Starri,is it you with the bunnies? How funny. I can picture them now. Well had to get up real early this morning, hubby was leaving out. Fil went with him. He is her ride to the dr. And such. She somtimes gets upset if he is gone. She changed a dr. Appt. One time in an attempt to make him stay home when he was going on a vacation one time. Luckily, fil accidently on purpose told her the wrong month so when she made her appt. Reschedule it was for the month after his trip. Sneeky sneeky, he had evidently had that happen before. She's already been up milling around while we were getting ready, she said she thought she needed to see the foot dr. This week, she has a toe bothering her. To late they already left. I guess its up to me. What happens is about 2 to 3 weeks before her dr. Appt to clip her tonails, they start growing out and need clipped, get kinda red on the corners and uncomfortable. Still haven't figure out why that foot dr. Dosnt see her every 2 months instead of 3. Oh well!

S seemeride Jun 2011 · Answer 30 · 2011-06-06T10:37:53.000-0400

ASG, it's me with the bunnies. Scared one of into the green beans this morning, a young one, but as long as I know where they are, I'm not apt to get caught unaware and look like a fool screaming in the yard.

I have to take mom to Duke hospital on the 16th to see a vaginal urgeon. She has a fistula that Mr. Jam diagnosed for me and finally a GYN has agreed. She has been given a barium enema that didn't find it, but something is going on for sure. The GYN saw fecal up to the top of the vagina. This is smoe nasty shit. Now I think she has a UTI, talking crazy, going potty every 15 min all night long. Gotta try to get a sample from her today.

You have a sneaky fil all right.

I know I appreciate your experience and I know Jam will, too. Thanks for those examples. I always love your stories, but they are very good examples to be learned from. And Jam is doing a wonderful job, I agree, and Target better see that too. And she has enough compassion to take her back !! She is a giving, strong person. Wouldn't we women straighten out this world if given the chance?

At the momemt I would give anything to have someone straighten out my mom's closet !!!!LOLOLOL

Hubby is waiting on me....talk later........

The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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