This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Reddit: Doctors, what is Your "How the Hell are You even Alive Right Now!" Story? …. One poster: It's a toss up between the guy who shot himself in the neck with a crossbow..... OR this old guy with dementia who fell down the stairs, broke his neck & his hip, and was still walking around A&E screaming "WHY DOES IT HURT WHEN I WALK?!"
I am extremely lucky that she has most of her marbles and I didnt have to go through what a lot of you guys have.
Do you have anyone with you for support? How were you notified?
Silly of me to ask questions now - take time, let it sink in, feel better. Hugs to you.
"My nanny lived in a long term care home for the last bit of her life. Her roommate was always signing &, god bless her soul, she was awful. So, my nanny was sleeping & Rose was singing her tune when all of the sudden my nanny woke up & shouted, "ROSE, BE QUIET. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO DIE?" … She passed 2 days later without saying much more. It made everyone feel better about her death. She was a supremely funny lady."
So very sorry for your loss.
I would take a break and not see her this week and I would NOT take her out of the facility this weekend.
You are a grown woman and you do NOT have to accept abuse from anyone.
Let her think about her behavior until next Tuesday and when you go visit if she gets ugly you can tell her that you are leaving and you hope that she thinks about how to treat you better, because you are not going to be her scratching post and you will not be visiting her if she can't be civil. Better late than never when dealing with parents that think they can scratch us up and we should just smile and take it.
Great big warm hug!
Go girl, you can do it!
I can pray for you for now.
(((Hugs)))
Please go to a shelter. Don’t stay in your car. I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Hugs!
I was so very relieved when I read that your mother is Not living with you. THAT is definitely a Big Plus. I took years to whittle down my super sensitive conscience of 'doing the right thing' while cutting off my nose... Plus, hanging around here at AC helped me to see what is happening in the homefront. I read the different threads, even ones not pertaining to my situation. I learned a lot from reading other people's experiences and the advise given by others. I've been out of touch here. It's so difficult to try to give you advice...
All I can say is - if the casual outings continue to be abusive, then let her know that line on the sand. My dad kept punching me on my head whenever we disagreed on mom's care. I finally had to draw that line. I told him and my 7 siblings that I'm doing the "Strike 3 and I'm out." When he hits me on the 3rd one, I was packing up and moving out immediately. Bro of next door can take over. And I told this to dad, too. I told him that none of my siblings (none of his kids) can take better care of him than me. He would end up with bedsores or put in a nursing home. And he knows that that's what would happen if I walk out... He was on Strike 2 when he had his stroke. He was still abusive bedridden!... What I'm trying to say, with these examples, is that you, too, need to learn to put that 'line on the sand' or as others say 'set boundaries.' ..
On those casual outings, if mom is abusive, return back to the home, and then explain. I wouldn't argue while she's in the car with you. My Alzheimer mom had grabbed the steering wheel while bro was driving. The car was swerving as I (backseat passenger) tried to slowly peel her hands away from the steering wheel... So, no getting your mom so hyper that she might grab the steering wheel. Wait until the car's no longer moving. Little steps to slowly withdraw from her, which your conscience can handle. Yes?
Thank you for sharing your story and for your encouraging words. There have been a few times while I was visiting her at the NH that she tore into me like a vulture on a carcass and I just walked out of the room. When I returned several days later she was crying and apologizing. That is not what I'm looking for. I'm just want her to show me a little respect and appreciation. I do so much for her and I'm the one that gets b*tched out. My brothers hardly ever show up, so when they do it's a happy occasion. Me, I'm like the old shoe; dependable and abused. I have not seen her since Sunday. I haven't decided if I'll show up this weekend or not. Right now I don't want to look at her. All I'm feeling is hatred for her.
I finally decided that it's time to place Mom in a SNF. She's declined physically to the point where I can no longer safely or effectively take care of her. I reached this decision after I strained my back a couple of weeks ago (the sacro joint) and I'm still in a great deal of pain - heaving around a woman who outweighs me by 55 lbs. just isn't good for the healing process, even wearing a brace. This was a very tough decision to make, and I have a lot of emotions about it, but I realized that if I don't delegate Mom's care to others now, we'll probably be roommates in the same facility within a very short period of time.
So... I toured the only local SNF on Monday, ostensibly for respite care, until they advised that they do have openings for long term care residents. Mind you, I've had Mom on the waiting list for this particular facility for three years (moving from #4 to #2 during that time), but the hospital that owned it has now sold it to a for-profit conglomerate. (Apparently the hospital was reserving the available space so that they could transfer patients directly to one of their own facilities for rehab.)
After I toured the facility, the Admissions Director gave me my state's Long Term Care form for Medicaid, which has to be completed and signed by Mom's PCP for either respite care or long term care. I emailed it to her doctor that afternoon. By Wednesday, I hadn't received any kind of response, so I rattled his cage. He responded that the nurse and the other physician at the clinic were both out sick, so orders and such are taking longer than usual. Okay, I can wait, but not forever. No word on the form as of this evening.
In the meantime, I contacted Mom's bank to request some copies of older bank statements (I'm missing the entire year of 2015) for the Medicaid documentation purposes. They said they would contact the local branch to handle the request, and that the branch would contact me within 24 hours to advise me of the cost. Guess what? Here it is, Thursday, and no word yet from the bank. There's no local number listed in the phone book or on the website for me to inquire as to progress, so I'm stuck calling the 800 number, whereupon they tell me that they'll follow up with the branch, and...
And Hubs left this morning for a 5-day business trip. So here I am all alone with Mom ('nuff said), a bad back, 2 geriatric cats that start screaming at me at 3 in the morning because there's a tiny empty spot on the bottom of their otherwise full food dish, and a 5-month old rescue kitten who has yet to learn the meaning of the word NO, while I wait around for people who have heretofore told me that they'd be more than happy to render assistance whenever I needed it, but now that I've taken them up on it, they're dragging their feet and I'm stuck in limbo.
There's nothing worse than finally making a decision that you've been putting off for months, if not years, and then facing nothing but roadblocks... and that's even before starting the Medicaid process. Can't wait for THAT little drama to unfold.
End of rant. Thanks for listening. Feel free to join me for a glass of wine.
I hear ya about the empty spot in an otherwise full food bowl with your cats. Too funny!
Real nice huh?
Your cats are funny! But I am sure at 3am you think they are anything but funny. I love cats but I hate how particular they can be. My late cat Kayla, was particular about her water. She always had to had fresh water. It did not matter if the bowl had been filled an hour earlier, when she wanted water I always had to pour out the bowl and refill it with fresh water. And she required a bowl in the kitchen by the back door and a cup on the edge of the tub and the cup also had to be filled with fresh water when she wanted a drink!
We live with cats. They don’t live with us. I swear it is like they train us instead of us training them. I happen to adore a cat’s independent nature. They know what they like! Yes, sometimes a bit mischievous too. We love them anyway. My cat lived to be 16. She was a cutie!
PeeWee, 🍷🍷🍷
One for you, one for me, one for Cali. Cheers! A toast to all the magnificent cats in this world.
PeeWee, it sounds like you could use a magic wand to speed things up. Slow process. Hey, wine can take the edge off!
Best wishes to you.
The place where your mom was was mean! So sorry!
It is now 7pm EST on February 1. No word from the doctor, no word from the bank. When they hear from me on Monday morning, it ain't gonna be pretty.
And... would you believe my mother actually said to me this afternoon, after I cried out in pain when hauling her out of her bed, "Gee, with your back acting up the way it is, wouldn't it be nice if we both ended up in the same room at the nursing home?"
😳
I am just here for the chips and dip.