This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Pamz, enjoy your casino vacay. Casinos - with the restaurants and spas and all of that - can be very fun vacations. I'm heading to Vegas Feb 2-6 for first time since driving back through with some of my stuff that I was hauling back across the country in Oct 2012. I'm looking forward to it but plan to keep the fun levels pretty tame, not overdo it. I had a room comp, too! I have no idea WHY, since I haven't gambled there in years and don't use players rewards programs or anything. But The Cosmopolitan sent me an offer for free room for several nights, and I just decided to go, too good an offer to pass up. I'm meeting my music buddy from Seattle out there.
Glad, I remember you mentioned that you were missing some sterling flatware set when you first moved, and you were concerned, but then you came across it. I moved at the end of last Sept and all this time this 8oz .970 silver necklace has been missing. I found it tonight, I had stashed it in a lined box and buried it in a box of books. I couldn't think WHERE I would have put it. Feels very good to have found it finally.
But, now, here comes the wind.
Today I ran away. We are usually on our own for weekends, but I got someone for this afternoon because a young friend invited me to her baby shower. It was a one-hour drive on a bitter cold day, but it was wonderful! Small group, some I knew, and 4 little kids playing on the floor in the middle. What wonderful energy the young have! And 2 grandmothers-to-be my age to share with. I even enjoyed the 2 hours driving today, as it was way out in the country, little traffic, and lots of alone time to enjoy. It was good to see the lakes were finally iced enough to see ice fishing shacks out, and people enjoying the snow. I even tried a car wash, to get that pile of ice off my car roof. Nope, it doesn't work. Thanks, it feels good to share my good day with you.
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From the June 2018 Reader's Digest under All in a Day's Work:
It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. When he grew sleepy, I wheeled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, using the techniques I'd learned in school, grasped him in a bear hug to lift him onto the bed. But I couldn't clear the top of the mattress. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, & hoisted him onto the bed.
When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened.
"Funny," she said, looking puzzled. "Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does."
We all need to vent sometimes.
Her : I am mad at you.
Me.: Why?
Her: You are not eating such and such.
After half day without having a say even in what comes in my mouth, she asks for her tablet. Instead of Netflix I pay for she asks for alien videos on YouTube.
Her: but stay here with me.
Finally my father arrives (There's no sunday or day off near hollidays) , I think about some alone time, another 15 minutes my SIL arrives with her 2 daughters to use the pool.
MY MOTHER: son, go stay with them, I am not feeling well And someone needs to be host.
So... I am outside, sweating, flies around , fighting the phone autocorrect and playing lifesaver
Sheesh!
No more texts from BIL about rising interest rates and why weren’t things moving faster. Now it’s just getting the paperwork ready for the accountant, file returns, and such. It’s kind of good to be able to finally deal with just grief, without having the practical to dos mucking things up. Tomorrow, I’ll start wrapping presents and begin recharging.
I am taking care of my mother who when I was a child was kind of indifferent.
I have a older sister who was her favorite. What a terrible way to a little girl to live after dad and mom got divorced she took everything out on me. I look like my dad. I had no one to take my side
So fast forward 52 years and I am the one caring for her. Now don't get me wrong I've grown to love my mom in away but not like a daughter would love her mother.
Yes! sometimes I feel like walking away but she lives in my home so that's out of the question. The older sister is free to do what she and her husband please. Comes by sometimes but her favorite mother she seems to have forgotten.
I just put mom on hospice today. My sister's own children told her Auntie needs help but there is a excuse of her business she runs from her home saying no time what do they want her to do.
While mom was mobile they spent a lot of time together now that mom can't do for herself it's a problem.
So I understand your feelings. It's called being human. I pray to god for this feeling to leave me. Maybe God gave us this task for us to grow. Whatever the case here we all are doing the most difficult task he's given us.
I do the same thing everyday get up look in her room to see if she's awake. if so I clean her up and try to make her eat a little. Oh I forgot to mention I'm married to a second husband who lives in his house because mom was to terrible when she first moved here. Can't get along with a Diva.
So I have to take care of him, my mom and a little dog. He is understanding to a point but you know men. They want all your attention. So here I am being pulled from all directions.
I say to you. God is going to bless you for your for sacrifice. I think he gave it to us because the others are not as strong.
I am 65 now mom's been with me for 7 this august. My only hope is I get to spent at least 12 healthy years with my husband doing what we like to do....
Hang in there Jam don't give up.....
Funny, how one would hear a song and it just brings back all these memories. And I find myself missing him. At least we talked. Now, I have no one to talk to when I'm home. Oldest sis is just not into talking. She's a hermit living in her bedroom 24/7. Only comes out to smoke and eat, then back to her room.
My dad's brother was taken to the hospital today. I don't know what's wrong with him and I wish him well. His wife, my aunty, passed away a few months ago..... I'm tired of people just dying left and right. People I know. People whom I'm closely related to. They've been dying one after another this past 18months, I can't even remember the chronological order of their deaths.
My dad died in July of last year. My aunty (dad's brother's wife), my female first cousin (mom's brother's oldest daughter) died of cancer, then my male first cousin (dad's sister's son) died of health issues, my aunty (my mom's sister) died of cancer, and then my first cousin's husband (dad's brother's daughter's husband) died of health issues (he had cancer). It's like when will it stop?
I was planning to bring my thin black scarf. I don't know what kind of material it is but I discovered that it works very well in cold weather like 60 degrees. I also have a thicker knitted scarf (freebie from an online order, but color is so...pale.) Based on your comment, I think I will also bring the freebie. Thanks.
Pamzim, I had googled NCL and reviews. In their website, they have pre-purchased discounts on bottled water. That's when I realized that I would have to buy bottled water onboard. I always have a bottle of water by my bed when I sleep. I tend to wake up coughing and choking (acid reflux). Sendhelp once mentioned that she drinks water when this happens to her at night. So, I've been doing that, too. It really does help. Anyway, it costs $23.00 for a six-pack bottled water. We're going on a 7-day cruise.
Trying Dad's hospital bed is a good place to start, but I persoanlly can never get really comfortable. What works for me is to sleep in a recliner with a small soft pillow or rolled towel behind my neck. Lots of meds can be tried both OTC and prescription. A heating pad also provides a lot of relief. Have you considered one of those foam neck collars?
If you use a recliner you can recline it down to about 45 degrees, raise the legs and put a big soft pillow under your knees. That way your acid reflux is also taken care of.
If you are going cruising during the vacation make sure you have a nice soft scarf to wear round your neck when on deck so the neck does not get chilled by sea breezes.
I had no idea they charged for water on cruises. Your own water bottle won't be exactly sterile after you have used it a few times either Make sure it is really drinkable. It might just be with the extra money to buy the bottled water, there are so many infections on cruise liners.
What do you need the magnets for?
I might also add a few disinfecting wipes as well to clean off bathroom surfaces door knobs etc and some hand sanitizer.
You are such a delicate flower Book so take any precaution you can to stay safe and don't forget to have fun
I have arthritis in my neck and spasm. I figured it was arthritis or pinched nerve. But spasm??? I quickly responded, "I have spasm?" He showed it to me in the x-ray (which just looks like gray coloring...) He also showed the arthritis in my neck bones - every single neck bone has signs of arthritis. He said that a normal neck curves. My neck is straight up/down. He took his pen and aligned it to my neck x-ray - see, no curve but straight up/down.
Recommendation: anti-inflammatory painkillers, use heating pad for back of my neck, find the right mattress/pillow and …. I need to do away with the wedge pillow (for my acid reflux) because it's putting strain on my neck -being elevated too high...
I have decided that it's time for me to use my dad's hospital bed. It's the only solution if I'm to do away with the wedge pillow. I can crank up the bed to a slightly elevated position and - I no longer need to use 2 pillow below my legs to prevent me from sliding down the wedge pillow. I can always elevate the bottom part of the hospital bed...
For the next few nights, I will be googling everything I can read about neck arthritis - what to expect years down the road, what to eat to avoid inflaming it, exercises, etc... and most of all, to read other people's experiences of their neck arthritis.
Oh! I also need to research on how to prepare for cruises. I did some tentative searches. I need to bring magnets, night light (room can get really dark at night) and my own refillable water bottle (to help cut cost of buying water - just refill my bottle when I go eat breakfast, lunch, dinner...)
It takes time. I was caregiving for my grandmother for only about a year before she passed; you were married for 45 years?! It's going to be an adjustment for you to be without him, but you'll slowly work your way through it.
Come here to talk about how you're feeling, if you want to. I think it'd be helpful for you.
It bothered me that I couldn't cry over her death. I figured maybe I was mourning her death even before she finally died. Every time mom lost her old self (stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped swallowing, etc...), I was mourning her loss. So, when she finally died, I was all mourned out..
The other thing that kept circling in my mind - that there was something wrong with me. Why couldn't I cry for her being dead? Maybe I was damaged goods from my dysfunctional childhood.
Anyway, the good news is about 18 months later, out of the blue, one night, I started crying so hard. It was the deep inside crying. I recalled being sooooo confused on Why was I crying? I kept crying and crying. And then, towards the end, a deep sadness hit me. And a thought popped in my head - Mom. I finally cried over mom's death 18 months after she died.
My dad passed away July of last year. I was closer to my dad than I was to my mom. I'm still waiting to cry over his death...
So don't be overly concerned that you haven't cried for your husband. There's nothing wrong with you. Each person has a way of dealing with death. Mine took 18 months later. Yours? It Will hit you - sooner or later. It will come when you least expect it. My sincere condolences! {{HUGS}}