This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
ASG....I'm sowwy Auntie's good humor didn't last longer. Don't you love it when they are happy and in a good mood? It just makes everything so much better to deal with. Then that old dark cloud has to descend at some point I guess.
Hi to Starri and burned.........hope you have had a good day and haven't had to deal with too much stress.
Hi Rossella!!!!!!! How's mom?
ladee......how was your day with Sonny? Playing more pick up sticks?
seeme.....say night night to the bunnies......
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Starri, Hope you make every day a fun one for your family.
Ladee, At this point you sound so happy, we couldn't beat you down witha 2 x 4.
Jam, He is so cute...big ole meanie Target........
Now I am going to read my Kindle till 3 am and complain to mom about how tired I am tomorrow.......It is now 10:15......will see if I last till 10:30...
Everyone have a good night's zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Last year we had trouble with the tomatoes riprning on the vine, so hubby took them off and set them on the patio furniture loveseat to ripen that way. The cushions were off so they sat in between the horizontal slats of the seat. Late one afternoon , aftr the heat of the day when the trees shade the patio, I watched a momma and baby rabbit for about 20-30 min. Momma finally stood on her back legs, under the seat now, and pushed a tomato to the end of the seat and baby got it and started eating. I was astounded. Then she goes to the front of the seat and reaches up with her 2 front paws (or Feet?..rabbit's foot) and grabs one for herself. I am watching them eat on the patio for the longest time. I quietly tell hubby about it and he hits the ceiling !! He yelled so loud, they heard him with the door shut, momma takes off, baby goes the wrong way and gets caught behind the grill, scaired (southern) to death and I have to herd him the right way. But it's ok if they eat my pea pods............so the saga has continued from last year.........
Starri, I am sorry for your mother, but it's up to her to decide. It seems the morphine puts you in a state of dizziness and some people don't want it. We don't really know what we would choose in the same situation, so... (my father when he was very sick he didn't want pain killers)
Good night to everybody.
hugs to you
When I got home yesterday thought I might find Target standing at the edge of the pond with a wistful look on his face......but no he was actually awake...:O....and on the computer. Said he didn't have any problems with the col and I didn't either last night, but the inner beast was lurking. I walked outside about an hour ago and he had taken breakfast to her and I could hear raised voices. She was desperately trying to feed parts of her bacon to the dog and he kept telling her to eat it and she said she wasn't hungry anymore, so he took it from her. She did eat most everything, cinnamon roll, bacon and fresh strawberries. But she was mad because "he begs so cute". Oh for heaven's sake, here we go again.
ASG......that's wonderful about your Aunt and the kids....I imagine your son was wondering what was going to befall him now when she put her hand on his face. Does she play the piano? That would be wonderful if she could interact with the kids with lessons. And the little sleepover guest.....awwww just one of the kids....:)
Starri........my heart goes out to you, it's so hard to watch them be in pain. The weekend before my mom passed, last Dec, and she was still in the hospital she appeared to be in so much pain and she was being given Haldol and no morphine. She was in that hospital only because my husband was on shift in the ER the night she got sick and it would be unethical for him to treat her, so I had to take her to another hospital and under the care of doctors that I didn't know and once there they have to do everything possible because it's illegal to just move her. On Monday, I called her own physician, told him I knew she was dying and there was nothing more to be done so we had her transferred back to the NH and hospice came in. That's the only time I have dealt with them and they were wonderful. Anyway, the first thing I asked for was ms and "not a problem" let's get it on board. And it was obvious she was in pain. She had aspiration pneumonia and was working so hard to breathe. The ms made it so much easier on her. And she passed peacefully about 14 hours after discharge back to the NH. I'm glad she didn't linger. But I still haven't had a chance to really grieve for her....my younger siblings, as well as 2 estranged daughters of mine started acting like complete lunatics and with having to still care for mil......well my grief got put on the back burner. It sounds like it's coming up front for your husband. I'm sure his mind is full and you are all hurting together....at least you do have each other to lean on. My heart aches for you all......and you're the "angel glue" that holds it all together. You will probably have to just give Mom the ms.....later she will figure out how much better she feels so maybe she will be more receptive.
Time to get col's laundry done........................
Love and Hugz,
Jam
She's starting to settle down again, hopefully she gets some more sleep and then we will try eating something.
Hope everyone has a peaceful day
Starri, I hate to hear she is not in agreement to the morphine, can only imagine how hard that is for you to watch and hear her pain and know there is something you can do. but I also understand the position you are in, wanting to honor her wishes...Is there anyone that could talk to her about the positive side to the morphine? Sometimes they will listen to someone else and not us.... I am sorry to hear how hard this is on your husband.. all of you are hurting, and you can not take care of everyone all the time, you have to take care of you too. prayers and hugs to you today..
ASG, Aunt Weird, gotta love it...I am happy to hear she is treating the kids better. Maybe she will really try to enjoy the kiddos and it will be better for everyone. What did your son say about her touching her on his face??? Maybe she is doing a little grieving herself.. and accepting the situation and understanding what you have done by taking her in. No telling, maybe she was being ugly sometimes to keep from loving all of you and protecting herself... who knows, just happy to hear she is trying to enjoy the kids more... they will keep her entertained if she lets them...
Seeme, I am reading along this morning and BOOM, my morning laugh, about green beans and poison ivy,,, Thanks for getting my day started with a seeme-fix... you never answered about the bunnies , and I do have to say that concerns me a little, is there something you are not telling us...??? Poor bunnies.
Jam, so happy to hear you got some "me" time with your sisters. And was Target wore out when you got home? Or was he out in the yard pulling weeds???
The outside cat, Mr. Man is tearing up the screen door for his breakfast so need to get going. Another fun day with Sonny the lineman, and Ms. M is smiling a lot more... so this is going to be a good thing... love you all, newcomers keep posting and letting it out... hugs across the miles to all of you.
I think you might have hit the nail on the head with my husband, I had not thought about that, it's a sad thought though that he had to wait all these years to get it out, he's 63 now and she died when he was 4. His dad was left with 2 small kids and no clue as to what to do. He basically shipped them off after their mom died.
hopefully he is feeling better today, it's going to be a quiet day around here, not sure if we are expecting anyone from hospice today, had the nurse yesterday, the CNA the other day, haven't seen the Chaplin yet this week, so maybe he'll be out.
Well so much for her feeling good, up at 630 am doing well, and now she's started moaning again. Lasted about 45 minutes, that isn't too bad, got her pain pills in her and we'll see where we go from here. one thing after another it seems.
ASG...I hope your better days will last a long time. Maybe she has been there long enough to get smitten with the kids and the dog. Whatever it is, let's hope it lasts a lloooooonng time. Now that summer is here, she may as well get used to them, right? God, I loved summer as a kid, never enough time to explore, but it was a different time, too.
I must get a shower and get ready to do errands. I needed a little more time to get ready, so I have until 11 am. Hubby is home today with sinus headahe. We need rain to clear the air.....and get the poison ivy off my green beans..........
Linda, Poison Ivy I was so allergic when I was a kid but havent had it in years. I would also get it from the air. Didnt know where I was getting it until the dr asked if we had it near a window in our home, and we did, on a fence outside the window of the apartment I lived in. My son got it a month ago from burning brush. Showed up on his nose first, then spread to the rest of his face. His whole nose was covered looked so odd. He woke up yesterday morning and his face was red and eyes swollen, looked some more and yep, there it was popping up all over him. So I gave him one of the steriod pills the doc gave him from a month ago. I think it was better.
Jam, ha ha cow patty!!! Love it. Glad you had a good day with your sisters. Hopfully col will be good for you tommarow, lets cross our fingers cause I know how that goes.
Starr, you are in a tough situation. Hopfully she will let you give her som morphine so she can get some relief. I know aunt dosnt like to take her pain meds, then stays up at night cause she is hurting. She had knee replacement surgery years ago. She also told me she had open heart surgery in 1979, wow i didnt know they did that surgery so much then. My dad had it like 5 years ago and ever since says his doc told him it only last 8 yrs. So he is only 58 and gave himself 8 years that many years ago. I told him one time he is wayyy to young to live, like he is dying. I think it helped, or at least he stopped telling me about it.
So bout aunt wierd moods, one morning my son sets down at the piano(aunt gave it to my daughter a few years ago when they started moving around cause she wanted my daughter to learn to play) ok so son is setting on the bench one mporning last week before school and aunt opens her door and peeks out, son freaks out and takes off running out the door, 15 min later son is putting his shoes on at the couch and aunt comes up behind him,WERE YOU ON THAT PIANO! you shoulda seen his face when she takes her and reaches down at him, mine to! the room feel silent all eyes were focused on her hand, i was taking in a gasp of air, not knowing what she was about to do, when she reaches down...and puts her hand on his cheek(this is the son she told him he was dumber than a block and should have never been born)and says, would you like to learn piano, maybe some day mommy and daddy will get you lessons to!!! She just kept stroking his cheek and talking like she was talking to a baby to him. We were all shocked and relieved. His eyes were this big around (0)~(0).
We have had a few days like that. She just shocks the heck outta us. I over heard her telling somone on the phone cant a grandma spoil her grand children( she had ordered in breakfast for everyone). She has never been anyones grandma so I know she wasnt confused. I thought it was sweet. At the same time she has been cussing like a salior(ok not really just the damn word several times.) But so unlike her. I'm afraid it may not last ling though, for the past two days she has been getting teary eyed at the drop of a hat. Oh yeah, my hubbys english bulldog who we have gone crazy trying to keep him outta her way, had him outside part of the time, she would peek her head out to make sure he was put up in his bed before she would come out, is now her best buddy. Yep, havent had to close him up in like 3 weeks. feeds him her scrapes from the table and everything. She gets tery eyed and says he is pretty on the inside, Lol and crys about his inner beauty. Yep, its nuts. I know. she was a little nutty yesterday but in a different kind of way. So not sure if its my attitude reflecting hers or hers reflecting mine. But thats the story behind the better days with her. Knock on wood!!!
Got home after lunch with my sisters....was a nice break. Walked through a small flea market and found a couple of really nice crocheted table doilies. My oldest sister says why don't you just make them yourself.....uh, lazy? Sounded good to me..:) Checked on the col, she was doing fine, and was going to let her skip bath until tomorrow morning, but she just plain smelled, so tossed her in the bath tub real quick and just got er done.......glad now that I did. She felt better and my nose said thank you. Fed her supper and she's been a good little girl all night. Can't ask for much more than that. Of course it could be that the inner beast is lurking there to come alive tomorrow with a vengeance.......
Good night to all.....hope it's peaceful for everyone
Love and Hugz,
Jam
My leg is killing me when I get off tho. Need to take Aleve earlier in the day... get home and NAP TIME...
How are the bunnies??? Or should I ask,,, love ya.. and hugs to everyone. I will get caught up in the morning,,, ni-night, hugs to you all
Dealing with people, family or not during a time like this is hard, and even worse going through what they are putting you through. Stand up for yourself and for your kids, you don't have to put up with their "Stuff"
My "Eldest" brother sat on his butt in California and tried to tell me here in South Carolina how to take care of mom and how to treat her, etc... that lasted until I told him that if he thought he knew better how to care for her, I would book her a plane and she'd been on it the next day, he backed down.
Tonights not a good night again, but at least I am working on a full 6 hours of sleep, She's in bad pain, I've given her all the medications that I can at the moment, it rips my heart open to hear her crying and not be able to do anything.
We're trying musical medications again. Upped her pain patch, working on upping the amatriptlyine and then finding out whatelse we can do. Mom is resistant to taking morphine, she's worried about getting hooked, the last damn thing she should be worried about, told her though this afternoon, that we are going to have to consider it, pills take to long to get into the system.
Hubby is having a really hard time dealing with her death, it's making him face his own mortality, his mom died when he was very young, never had a chance to grieve or to understand what happened, and since then I don't believe in his 63 years, he has been this close to someone who's dying. This makes my third time of being caregiver/help to someone, it doesn't get any easier. Hubby was crying last night, I felt so bad that I could not stay there to hold him and help him through it,
I was ready to give it up myself this evening, had her laying in the bed behind me, I was trying to set up pill boxes and have him upset on the phone, how many directions can one person go at a time?
Thanks for letting me babble.
and I stop and look at the mess and get fire red from embarrassment ...hehehehe and hubby turns back to look at me, laughting ........and does the same thing!! HAHAHAHAHA Served him right !!! And the pattie took the color right out of that t-shirt !!!HAHAHAHAHA Lordy, lordy, that was funny.......
Love and Hugz,
Jam